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NEVER SEEN QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY

Started by Huxleys Babkins, March 22, 2019, 12:20:20 PM

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GAY 1: Welcome to this programme then. Today we're meeting Darren, a brickie from Chorley who, according to girlfriend Tania, dresses like a fucking dickhead.

DARREN: How do!

GAY 2: Thanks for coming on the show, Darren. We see you're wearing a white t-shirt, jeans and some trainers.

DARREN: Aye, that's correct.

GAY 1: We can't wait to get our big, gay hands on you!

DARREN: Haha, steady on lads! *He's grabbed by two burly bouncers wearing bright pink riot gear* 'Ere, what the fuck's going on???

GAY 1: Hold him still boys.

*The gays set to work on Darren's eye amid the sound of screaming. The process takes 20 excruciating minutes.*

GAY 1: Right, that's all done. As you can see, we've changed the colour of your iris to a fashionable burgundy, adding a contemporary matte coating to the eye. And here's Tania to see your newly queer eye!

TANIA: Oh, wow, he looks fantastic!

DARREN: Arrrrgghhh! Jesus Christ, it's fucking agony! What've you had me on 'ere for, you fucking bitch!? I thought I were getting some new shirts out of it! Shit, fuck me!

GAY 2: Bloody hell, can't even take a little bit of pain. And I thought we were supposed to be the big girls' blouses! Watch out for this one, Tania, he'll be dumping you for a fella soon enough!

TANIA: Yeah, if any bloke'll 'ave 'im, the ugly sack of shite!

GAY 1: Well, never mind, remember you both get a Queer Eye For The Straight Guy scatter cushion to take home! See you all next week when we'll be forcing sequins into the cornea of a train driver from Wigan. Ta-ra!

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Gayman of the Town Itself: I am gay, here me gayroar
Bad dressed man: That it is. homosexual man, that it is.


ToneLa

Gay Bar Man: (titters) I do surely deduce you need up a spruce! Let's not dilly-dally you're a scruffy wee laddie!

CONTEST: HI YOU CUNT SEE THAIR AM LASHIN OOT CAUSE AH AM HOPELESSLY REPRESSED.

Gay Bar Man: (bends hand coquetteishly and blinks audibly) let's get get you out of those wet clothes and into something more fabulous! Step through into the dressing room, ducky!

CONTESTANT: HI YOU CUNT THOUGHT YOU WERE A BARMAN. NEWKY BROON THEN CUNT

Glebe

ONE CHARACTER: Ooh, let's go clubbin'!

ANOTHER CHARACTER: Bitch!