Model railway advice needed

[Huxleys Babkins]

Hi everyone. As most of you know by now, I sometimes suffer from anxiety and depression. My therapist has recommended that I take up a hobby to help me relax to aid my mindfulness and after a lot of thought, I've decided to shove a model locomotive right up my stupid fat arse. The problem is, I just can't decide which locomotive to use.

I'm not sure I can cope with the gape that would be caused by an 0 gauge model and an N gauge loco will barely touch the sides, so I've chosen to stick with the very common 00 gauge in the middle ground.

I've shortlisted five engines (plus a bonus choice) and would appreciate feedback from model railway enthusiasts and anal insertion fans alike. Thank you.

Option 1: Class 43



The classic diesel "High Speed Train" in iconic "InterCity Executive" livery. The aerodynamic front end will aid shoving it right up my stupid fat arse and the sleek sides and roof will prevent any snagging on the way in and back out again. The obvious choice, perhaps, but is it the right choice?

Option 2: Class 55 Deltic



Another iconic diesel, another iconic livery, the class 55 Deltic has spent decades hauling heavy freight up and down the main and branch lines of Britain. Now it has the chance to haul lumps of shit up and down my anal tract. I jest, of course. I'd clean myself thoroughly with a gentle douche before shoving any of these fine locomotives right up my stupid fat arse.

Option 3: Pullman Observation Car



I'll admit I'm cheating a bit here as this is a carriage rather than a powered locomotive unit, but I think you'll agree it's well worth adding to the shortlist. This observation car featured a fully staffed bar and huge windows to give post-war tourists a luxurious and enviable view of the Devon countryside. One can only imagine how they'd react to the luxurious and enviable view of my stupid fat arse as the Devon Belle is forcibly shoved right up it.

Option 4: Class 5700



A great little steam shunter from the glory years of Great Western, the iconic oblong saddle tanks allowed the storage of more water, allowing this versatile little loco to haul loads further than other similar sized engines of that vintage. What it lacks in size, it makes up for in complexity as the front of the model features a wide, square body, a funnel, buffers and a coupler which would likely causing significant painful bleeding if it were shoved right up my stupid fat arse.

Option 5: Class A4



The streamlined class A4 was steam's final hurrah. This example, The Mallard, is the most famous example, still holding the world record for the fastest steam-powered vehicle. A true icon of British engineering, what better tribute than to shove it at an astonishing 126 miles per hour, right up my stupid fat arse, resplendent in iconic LNER blue livery.

Wildcard Option: Hornby Clockwork



The self-powered entry point to railway modelling for so many British children, the timeless Hornby clockwork locomotive features a metal winding key and the switch on the top allows you to regulate speed and direction. The simple, unpainted plastic casing is very easy to wipe clean and the clockwork motor would allow this model to run whilst inside of me, something not possible with an electric-powered model. This loco takes me back to a more innocent time when a six year old me wouldn't have dreamed of shoving a model locomotive right up my stupid fat arse.

[purlieu]

A 395 'Javelin' would be my recommendation.


That said, the 390 'Pendolino' is maybe a good choice - but a bit obvious, as sitting on one of these cramped, overheated trains is already a bit like being shoved up somebody's fat arse.

[rasta-spouse]

If you want your prostate milked a train with a face on it is best, as it gives a sense of intimacy.

[The Culture Bunker]

Given the only trainset I had as a kid was a Brio wooden one (which was still ace, and it does make my heart warm to see my nephews dig the same thing now), I've always been envious of those who had a proper electric set.

As I live in a one bedroom flat, I couldn't even have one now. But they do seem expensive...

[Captain Z]

One thing I will say is that, from personal experience, the copper detailing on that funnel is sharp.

[batwings]

As someone with fond memories of Caledonian Airways I can heartily recommend sitting on a Flying Scotsman.

[Ferris]

Although insertion would be the natural way to solemnly honour the triumph of British engineering that was the Mallard, it's beautiful duck egg blue would probably be irreparably altered (which was not in the vision of the designer).

For this reason, the Pullman Observation Car gets my vote.

[JamesTC]

If you want your prostate milked a train with a face on it is best, as it gives a sense of intimacy.

[Alberon]

[rasta-spouse]

Cheers ears, that's certainly going to take the edge off the upcoming Mother's Day!

[a duncandisorderly]

Option 3: Pullman Observation Car

this one, with a camera inside it. get that colonoscopy done at the same time as whatever else it is you hope to achieve by ramming a chuffer up your chuff.

[buzby]

Option 2: Class 55 Deltic



Another iconic diesel, another iconic livery, the class 55 Deltic has spent decades hauling heavy freight up and down the main and branch lines of Britain. Now it has the chance to haul lumps of shit up and down my anal tract. I jest, of course. I'd clean myself thoroughly with a gentle douche before shoving any of these fine locomotives right up my stupid fat arse.

The Class 55 'Deltic' was not a freight locomotive - it was high-speed Type 5 diesel specifically designed to haul express passenger trains on the East Coast Main Line. You may be mistaking it with the other English Electric diesel locomotives, such as the Class 37 'Tractor '(often operated double-headed on freight duty due to the limited tractive effort of being a light-weight single-engined Type 3 diesel with Co-Co axle configuration) or the Class 44/45/46 'Peak' Sulzer/Brush 1-Co-Co-1 Type 4 locomotives.

If you do end  up selecting the Deltic, I would suggest you join the pre-order list for the release of the forthcoming new Accurascale 4mm scale example, as it is reported to be the most accurate version of the Class 55 to date (the proportions of the nose and angle of the tumblehome where the bonnet meets the windscreen have proved extremely difficult to capture on previous manufacturers' attempts). Avoid the models based on the 1970s Italian Lima tooling as it was particularly inaccurate - they didn't even get the scale length right (they used a hybrid of European HO and British OO scales)

Option 3: Pullman Observation Car



I'll admit I'm cheating a bit here as this is a carriage rather than a powered locomotive unit, but I think you'll agree it's well worth adding to the shortlist. This observation car featured a fully staffed bar and huge windows to give post-war tourists a luxurious and enviable view of the Devon countryside. One can only imagine how they'd react to the luxurious and enviable view of my stupid fat arse as the Devon Belle is forcibly shoved right up it.

The flimsy construction of the observation car model (the thin plastic walls of the carriage sides and inability of being able to mould in any central supporting pillars between the chassis and the body/roof moulding in order to replicate the large glass area of the prototype) would make this particularly hazardous if used for rectal insertion and would most likely result in an embarrassing trip to A&E to remove shattered transparent polystyrene shards.and the resulting difficult internal stitching procedure.

Option 5: Class A4



The streamlined class A4 was steam's final hurrah. This example, The Mallard, is the most famous example, still holding the world record for the fastest steam-powered vehicle. A true icon of British engineering, what better tribute than to shove it at an astonishing 126 miles per hour, right up my stupid fat arse, resplendent in iconic LNER blue livery.

The A4 class was far from steam's last hurrah - steam was around for another 50+ years after the A4's introduction. The last hurrah of steam in the UK was the British Railways Standard Class 9F freight locomotive class, typified by the only named example 92220 'Evening Star', the last steam locomotive built by British Railways.

The class was introduced in 1954 and the last examples were withdrawn in 1968, with most examples only seeing 10 years of use prior to withdrawal.

If you do proceed with selecting an example of the A4 class, I would look to obtain one of the cheaper Hornby RailRoad examples (like the one in the picture you have used) as they lack the fine detailing of the more expensive collectors range such as the wire grab handles on the boiler sides, which again could prove a hazard in rectal insertion:

[the]

(phone rings, man in shop picks up)

MAN:  Townsend's?

BOY IN HALLWAY:  Hello, you know the Hornby 00-model railway?

MAN:  Yeah.

BOY:  Do you have an R186 signal box?

MAN:  Well, let's see... yes, I've got one up my arse

[a duncandisorderly]

(phone rings, man in shop picks up)

MAN:  Townsend's?

BOY IN HALLWAY:  Hello, you know the Hornby 00-model railway?

MAN:  Yeah.

BOY:  Do you have an R186 signal box?

MAN:  Well, let's see... yes, I've got one up my arse

yellow-pages advert gets another rewrite.

I can remember seeing steam locomotives crossing my old road in bradford, & that must've been 1967 because I moved to teesside late in that year. I suppose they looked like that dark green one there, but I was only three or four so I don't really remember too well.