I will laugh at your jokes in this thread

[popcorn]

I'm sorry but I've had some bad news today and will not be laughing at anything.

[Glebe]

I'm sorry but I've had some bad news today and will not be laughing at anything.

Really? Hugs Popcorn.

[popcorn]

Really? Hugs Popcorn.

Joke's on you! ha ha ha

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

You've got a backlog of jokes you have to laugh at now, you lazy fecker.

[popcorn]

I'll laugh at them tomorrow I promise.

[Spoon of Ploff]

A couple of horses walk into a bar and take several massive horse sized dumps right there on the floor. The barman says "Awright lads, why the long faeces?"





_{(this is a reworking of a great joke i posted in the jokes thread a long time ago.)}

[Noonling]

If my joke isn't laughed at in the next twelve hours you will be hearing from my solicitor.

[popcorn]

If my joke isn't laughed at in the next twelve hours you will be hearing from my solicitor.

Sorry could you tell it again?

[Noonling]

No.

[Replies From View]

What did the bee or Winnie the Pooh say to popcorn who was struggling to laugh at good jokes

You okay hun

[popcorn]

I've got five minutes in my schedule tomorrow dedicated to laughing at these jokes, don't worry about it, I guarantee laughs.

[Noonling]

That simply isn't good enough. All of your earlier clients received laughs on the same day, Mr Lisa Jesusandmarychain received his laugh three minutes and thirty two seconds after posting his joke. Other posters clearly expected you to deliver a similar standard of service, as did I. Since you have since posted in this thread it is clear that you have the time to laugh, but for whatever reason are withholding it from me and others. Not only did you promise a laugh, but also that "You will feel great about it". I have been denied both.

Having taken advice from my solicitor I now expect the following as compensation:
Solicitor costs - £600 - Two hours of discussion at £300/h
Loss of wages - £500 - I myself earn £250/h, I spent one hour crafting the joke and about one hour refreshing this thread in anticipation of my laugh, as well as crafting this response.
Damages - £3600 - £1600 as a punitive measure to ensure you do not deliver such a shoddy service in the future, and £2000 for distress caused. Following my lack of laugh I tearfully phoned my mother who I have a rocky relationship with, and now even more rocky as she wants to come visit me and my wife, who hates her. The lack of laugh also caused an old sports injury to flare up. I have lost sleep due to the lack of laugh, which in turn has affected my productivity at work. I have also developed a phobia of popcorn, which will affect me greatly in all future cinema trips.

This comes to a total of £4700, which I expect within the standard 14 days. Any further delay and this will go through the portal process, raising the solicitor fees dramatically.

[popcorn]

Actually as it happens a gap has just opened up in my schedule (which is tight as I am sure you understand) and I am able to laugh at your joke now Noonling, this is fortuitous for both of us as I'm sure you agree,

How do make an weekend happen

Age a bit

Ha ha ha ha a ha! ha ha ha haa ha!

This really is a great joke, really very very good - I keep reading it again and laughing more!

Person next to me on the train just asked what was so funny - I read this joke out to him and he burst out laughing too! Soon enough the whole carriage was laughing. Just laughing and laughing and laughing!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Noonling]

Dear popcorn,

Re: your post dated 29th March 2019 at 11:19:37 AM on the Cookd and Bombd thread "I will laugh at your jokes in this thread"

As soon as I saw you mention a gap had opened up in your schedule I called my wife and children over to witness your laughter - I even invited my solicitor over (who I am on very good terms with, we frequently play squash together and he only charges £150/h when I win). I was utterly horrified to discover that you had not in fact laughed at my joke, but the joke of a Mr Replies From View.

This is completely unacceptable. I had gathered round my loved ones to witness the end of this debacle, only to discover that you have ensured it drags on. My wife and children naturally look up to me, and I fear this has damaged my relationship with them. My eldest son will no longer look me in the eye, believing that I was responsible for the, in his words, "piss-poor" joke that Mr View posted. My wife fears for my reputation at the office if this ever comes out - this is a sensitive time for me as we are organising a merger with another company. My youngest daughter just took a morning nap, and woke up screaming about weekend popcorn and trains.

In a previous post I had already discussed my lack of sleep due to this matter, and your response has only increased my stress levels. I will now have to take at least the rest of the day off work, thus loosing out on £250*5 = £1250 of earnings.

Not only this, but I have deep concerns about the way you operate. To mix up a joke between two of your clients reflects a very poor (in my son's words, "piss-poor", though I would of course not use such terms myself) management style and organisational skills. It also raises obvious privacy concerns, especially in light of the 2018 GDPR.

Along with all of this, I find your claims to be highly implausible - firstly that your schedule has suddenly been so busy (when you were happy to offer the service yesterday), and secondly that you were on a train at the time of reading my joke. Please send proof of your schedule for today, along with ticket stubs that show you would have been on the train at 11:19:37 AM. Once provided I will also have my solicitor research how busy that train typically is, to see whether your claim of "the whole carriage was laughing" would in fact only be a tattooed young man and a trio of 17 year olds going to a university Open Day. If you have recordings of this laughter that would go a long way to assauge my doubts.

The cost of compensation has now risen to reflect the above information:
Solicitor costs - £1,200 (anticipated)
Loss of wages - £1,750
Damages - £9,000
Total: £11,950

Kind regards,

Noonling

[St_Eddie]

What did the popcorn do when he encountered a slow moving, shuffling zombie?

Spun around seventeen times and shot his own foot off.

[popcorn]

Hi Noonling, I apologise for this clerical error. This was due to events beyond my control as I am sure you understand.

Not to worry as my colleague St_Eddie will be taking over today to laugh at your joke. He has years of experience of laughing at jokes and I am confident he will give your joke the laughing it so richly deserves. I leave it in his capable lungs.

[St_Eddie]

Not to worry as my colleague St_Eddie will be taking over today to laugh at your joke. He has years of experience of laughing at jokes and I am confident he will give your joke the laughing it so richly deserves. I leave it in his capable lungs.

Right you are, Sir.  Me and my lungs shan't let you down.

*stubs out 23rd cigarette of the day*

*sputters and coughs for 10 seconds, collapses to the ground and promptly passes out*

[Spoon of Ploff]

I posted my joke for popcorn to laugh at.

No disrespect to St_Eddie but his laughter is worth nothing. Its worthless!!  Again no offense intended.

[St_Eddie]

No disrespect to St_Eddie but his laughter is worth nothing. Its worthless!!  Again no offense intended.

*briefly regains consciousness and raises head*

Harsh but fair.

*head slams down against the floor and passes out again*

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Blimey, looks like popcorn's in a right old fix! How's he going to get out of *this* one?

[pancreas]

I posted my joke for popcorn to laugh at.

No disrespect to St_Eddie but his laughter is worth nothing. Its worthless!!  Again no offense intended.

Well if you're so great then why don't you laugh at something? There's tons of jokes here no-one has even thought of laughing at.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Well if you're so great then why don't you laugh at something? There's tons of jokes here no-one has even thought of laughing at.

because most of the joke here just make me feel sad...


again. no disrespect intended. i'm sure you've all been trying really hard

[NoSleep]

Mine was more of an anecdote, no probs. (that's what they all say, though)

[Glebe]

A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman says, "A pint of what, mate?"

"Pint of best bitter," says he.

"Oh! I thought it might be a liquid drink of some description!"

"What?! You mad, mate?"

"You don't have to me mad to work in this pub - but yes it certainly helps ha!"

[pancreas]

^ The tragedy of popcorn's incompetence is that no-one is laughing at this, at all. At all.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

A woman walks into a bar, and asks for an innuendo, so the barman says "What the fuck are you talking about, you soppy fucking bint? Go on, fuck off out of it. Fucking coming waltzing in here, asking for a fucking innuendo, what the fuck's that supposed to mean? Go on, fuck off, I'm serious."

[Glebe]

Do you hear about the frog? He lived on a lillypad - a lillypad, for fuck's sake!

[Chollis]

Did you hear about the popcorn that joined the army?

They made him a kernel

[Replies From View]

Two nuns in the bath

One of them says "cramped, this"

The other one says "yeah it's all the water, I reckon"

[Mr Banlon]

How much do cockneys pay for shampoo ?
Nothing, they're all thieves.