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Unusual school lunches

Started by ComedyUnitInsider, April 03, 2019, 08:06:28 AM

Previous topic - Next topic
Anyone got any good stories about bizarre school lunches?

I'll kick things off with a few.

One lad at my school called Elmore Few used to have beans on toast every lunchtime. He brought a toaster to school in his school bag, and used a power socket in the corridor. He'd sit down on the floor and toast the bread, gently warming his mini can of beans on top of the toaster. Then he'd sit there and eat his toast and lukewarm beans on the floor with a plastic knife and fork.

Another boy called Barry Fork used to smoke his own salmon behind the back of the school. He'd empty a tin of John West Pink Salmon into his hands. Then, holding it tightly, he'd blow cigarette smoke inside. He'd then sell it for £25 a pound to the toffee nosed kids at the private school up the road. It was absolutely delicious.

One young gent called Sean Delicious only ate non-food items. He used to make a delightful little non-food pizza. He'd make a little dish out of tin foil and melt his mum's lipstick down. It would then harden as it cooled to make a kind of pizza base. He'd use a thin layer of Colgate as a minty pizza sauce, and Haliborange Children's Vitamins as a substitute for pepperoni.

What happened at YOUR school?

Cerys

Melissa Clench used to microwave surplus supply teachers in the sixth form common room, and share her leftovers with the rugby team.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Gilbert Fictional used to prepare steak and lobster with spicy roasted garlic chimichurri butter on a camp stove, or something.

Not unusual per se...there was a grotty little rotter in my school called Aled Hill...although we peers called him Aled Hyll (hyll being Welsh for ugly)...he used to bring the most heinous stenchy egg sandwiches to.school everyday, no idea how the smell of them was so powerful. As a result I couldnt eat egg for about 10 years, conditioned as I had become by that horrible horrible foul smell.

And now I love em.

king_tubby

Hitler Cockcheese used to eat rancid monkey spunk on human AIDS turds whilst wanking.

And then she got off the bus.

28 years old she was.

And the headteacher.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: Misspent Boners on April 03, 2019, 08:54:37 AM
Not unusual per se...there was a grotty little rotter in my school called Aled Hill...although we peers called him Aled Hyll (hyll being Welsh for ugly)...he used to bring the most heinous stenchy egg sandwiches to.school everyday, no idea how the smell of them was so powerful. As a result I couldnt eat egg for about 10 years, conditioned as I had become by that horrible horrible foul smell.

And now I love em.

As does your husband, Mr. Aled Hyll !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Norton Canes

Something something Chad Boner peanut butter something

Cerys

You know full well that Chad Boner had a peanut allergy.  Why would he go anywhere near peanut butter?

Blinder Data

I'm afraid I had ham sandwiches on white bread for lunch every schoolday of my life. Never even occured to me to ask my mum for something a bit more unusual, like ham and lettuce

NoSleep

Gypsy tart. I think this was something only served in Kent schools.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gypsy_tart

I read somewhere (on the internet) that it originated from a recipe concocted during WWII by somebody who was accommodating kids from London who had been evacuated to her mansion. Can't trace the origin of that story anymore.

momatt

I don't buy this. OP has made 5 posts, all about weird lunches. I think he's hoping to get juicy fucked up sandwich stories he can wank over. There are hundreds of more appropriate ways to get support for his lunch obsession, in the unlikely event this is real, than post on a comedy forum he hardly uses.

Please think carefully about replying to this thread.

Sherringford Hovis

Quote from: NoSleep on April 03, 2019, 11:46:15 AM
Gypsy tart. I think this was something only served in Kent schools.

As a Surrey schoolkid of the Seventies I used to enjoy second helpings of this. Wasn't bad - it was as if the Popeye-forearmed dinner ladies got halfway into making a banoffee pie then realised that they were missing the bendiest yellow ingredient.

Alberon

At my school Heather S. Art used to be ignored all the time before dying alone in an unused corridor. It was weeks before she was found and only then because she seeped into the Gym.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Vegan fudge vulvas all round in the Nineties

Days are gone

Gregory Torso

William Duke ate Monster Munch every day, but it was soft and soggy so it didn't "munch" and was very un-monstrous, all out of date and unsold from his mum's garage (she was one Yorkshire's premiere female weight lifters in the 1990s, and she owned a petrol station). He'd have it caked in lumps all around his mouth and chin for the rest of the school day after lunch like a lumpy beard. He reeked of it - pickled onion, beefy beef, spicy party crackers. He also claimed to have "pumpkinesis" which is the power to move pumpkins around with your mind.

Cuellar

We ate piles of dog shit while pitiless lunchwomen jeered.

Gregory Torso

one time in assembly i saw a ghost - the HOLY GHOST and OUR LORD SAVIOUR JESUS THE CHRIST

boki

Mickey Turducken used to eat souls every Thursday without fail.  Of course, this being long before Aphex Twin's 'Come To Daddy' brought all that stuff into pop culture, we all thought it rather queer, but as he wasn't harming anyone who was still alive we just left him to it.  He got quite fat 'cos you can fit loads of those bastards in a Tupperware.

Quote from: momatt on April 03, 2019, 11:46:55 AM
I don't buy this. OP has made 5 posts, all about weird lunches. I think he's hoping to get juicy fucked up sandwich stories he can wank over. There are hundreds of more appropriate ways to get support for his lunch obsession, in the unlikely event this is real, than post on a comedy forum he hardly uses.

Please think carefully about replying to this thread.

Twed


Cuellar

Quote from: Gregory Torso on April 03, 2019, 12:46:12 PM
one time in assembly i saw a ghost - the HOLY GHOST and OUR LORD SAVIOUR JESUS THE CHRIST

Calling BULLSHIT on this one

idunnosomename


Lisa Jesusandmarychain

That's no way to talk about the  head of the deceased porcine creature into which he was alleged to have put his penis !!!!!!
Top satirez, cheers!

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Oh, sorry I've just realised my error. Sorry about that.
I meant to write " That's no way to talk about Samantha Cameron " ( She's his wife, that woman with the mad, scary eyes , and it's highly likely he's had sex with her ) !!!! ( Sorry).

Sebastian Cobb


seepage

Pineapple sponge pudding. Just a whole uncut pineapple, in a sponge pudding.

Chollis

Headmistress made me get up in front of the whole school and eat a gigantic chocolate cake. She thought I couldn't do it, but I did.

Gregory Torso

ate doritos off headmasters cock

pancreas


Jittlebags

On Mondays, without fail, Smedley Baraclough brought in the meat raffle that his father invariably won at the Otterthwaite Working Men's Club. He'd be chewing away at a raw trotter during English, then chargrilled the remainder (stewing steak, tongue and sausages) for lunch on a bunsen burner.

seepage

^ that's made me remember the homemade brawn sandwiches. I'll try & forget them again now.