Weekend Warrior

[The Boston Crab]

My wife is away for the weekend. My bros are away. My mates have kid stuff to do or are kidsitting because their wife is away with my wife or I can't be bothered seeing them. I'm tempted to just play computer games and eat dogshit for 48 hours but it seems like a lack of imagination, which is accurate because my imagination and parameters of reality and existence are narrower than ever before because I'm battered by institutionalisation and exhausted by professional duty.


What can I do this weekend that I couldn't reasonably do if my wife were around, that doesn't break the law? I'm tempted to just go to Arcade Club all day and play Dodonpachi and Ketsui  Actually might do that.


Any better ideas?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

- Go to a firing range and ask for "numero uno"
- Fuck a tenner in a fruity see what happens
- Buy and eat chocolate truffles
- After completing a simple face to face transaction do a little smirk and a "Heh" to mess them right up
- Go bouldering and personify the boulder to turn the matter into a duel. Watch others as you bellow "I'll get you, boulder!"
- Get a truly shit picture of your partner framed in a ludicrous edifice strewn with baroque filigree or whatever, dont then
- Definitely get bag of chips
- Do that "DX" suck it thing to a cat, see how it likes that. Not very much I would wager
- Mind over matter mate mind over matter - snap a skateboard across your leg, painless - mind wins again
- Go to an auction house and 'bumrush the show', as they say on Bargain Hunt
- Present a documentary without any TV cameras or filming of any kind. Just you walking around to house, stopping and, Jonathan Meades style, resting your hands across your stomach, declare your opinion about the architecture. Reel off adjectives into no-one. Garish, paradoxically prosaic, teal. Feel the words slipping away into nothing. Also take a brolly in case
- Bop a dog in the gob
- Find a foamy nut brown fit bird from Sex Africa, then criticise her shawls.
- Conduct a comprehensive audit of your pillows
- Struggle with a confusing latch
- Become startled by a moth
- Engage in Wolverhampton
- Find some fog to view
- Empty your garbage onto a petrol station forecourt and summon an orderly to "sort this shit out"
- Make a henge, but not of stone. Hohohohhhh no.
- checkout the song The Trip by Sash!

[The Boston Crab]

These are all excellent suggestions. Definitely going to get on the case with the pillows. We have about thirty pillows in the house. Sounds like a joke. How do you throw away a pillow? Ours bins are always full and I can't be arsed going the tip. I mean it, they're stuffed in every cranny of storage space. I use about eight old pillows to smother the vibration of the washing machine. I know this sounds like a joke but it's actually not. You really got me thinking about the pillows.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

- Engage in Wolverhampton

We're on lockdown due to sewage issues until further notice. Third time this year.

[seepage]

Definitely going to get on the case with the pillows. We have about thirty pillows in the house. Sounds like a joke. How do you throw away a pillow? Ours bins are always full and I can't be arsed going the tip. I mean it, they're stuffed in every cranny of storage space. I use about eight old pillows to smother the vibration of the washing machine. I know this sounds like a joke but it's actually not. You really got me thinking about the pillows.

Apart from the 8 smothering the washing machine, you could make some little ones out of the big ones and use them to do the same for your HDDs.

[pancreas]

Crystal Meth.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Day trip to Kuala Lumpur

[Sebastian Cobb]

Get really stoned and watch telly and nap or something.

[The Boston Crab]

Gotta be honest, I played computer games from 7am to 5pm, cooking a jambalaya in the background. Started on the tinnies at 5pm and watched the National. Called my wife, all good, checking in. The most amazing thing about the day is that I haven't even had a wank yet which is quite impressive. Now having a bottle of champagne and watching the FA Cup. Sun streaming in through the blinds. Cats curled up in front of the roaring fire. I'm in my boxers and slippers and AnCo T-shirt. Ordered Dodonpachi Daifukkatsu for delivery tomorrow. Gonna watch some porno on the big telly. Am I really all the things that are outside of me? No, but they are undoubtedly very enjoyable.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I had a 12+ hour kip today. There were people in one of my whatsapp groups out drinking until 2am and chatting again at 9am and I slept through both sides of the conversation.

[JesusAndYourBush]

Bread and butter hunter...

[thenoise]

Take a really big smelly shit, with the door open wide so that the whole house is really smelly.  When you are done, neither flush nor wipe.

[Cerys]

Invent something no-one else has thought of yet.

[seepage]

Replace the champagne before your wife finds out you drank it by yourself (unless she doesn't like champagne).

[studpuppet]

Wank.

[Mrs Wogans lemon drizzle]

also remember to clean any semen off the telly/kitchen worktops.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

We're on lockdown due to sewage issues until further notice. Third time this year.

The town's reopened now. Most of the main roads have been cleared of solid waste/slurry but I'd avoid side streets. I'll probably be in the Barley Mow for another couple of hours.

[Neville Chamberlain]

Have your house exorcised.

[gib]

Get your washing machine fixed, the bearings are fucked.

[Cerys]

Clean up the cat shit.  Seriously - it reeks.  Have you no self-respect?!