Author Topic: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.  (Read 664 times)

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« on: April 09, 2019, 12:52:28 PM »


Many will know actor John Challis as Boycie from Only Fool and Horse and Green Green Green Grass and his live one-man shows where he talks about being Boycie. He has being making us laugh for nearly have a century now, but the mustachioed car dealer has a darker side, revealed exclusively by his OFFAL co-star Sue Holderness in her new book, Poisoned Chalice. This exclusive extract uncovers a sinister side to Challis that many had suspected, but until now had been unable to prove:

"It was a cold Monday morning, and as I sat in the makeup chair getting made up as Marlene, I had a sneaking suspicion that this was gonna be one of John's bad days. He was late (as usual), and we had to film a scene where one of Boycie's car deals goes tits up. Challis always hated failure, and the prospect of being one-upped by Del Boy yet again - the episode was to end with Derek profiting from Challis' fuck-up - was bound to have him in a bad mood. I could picture him in the pub after the shoot, cigar in one hand and cognac in the other... he would be alright after one, but three glasses and he was nasty. Suddenly, a call came through from Fools! creator John Sullivan himself - the episode was to be scrapped, as he felt the script wasn't up to his usual perfectionist standards. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief... Nicholas Lyndhurst actually cried. We could only hope that the next script through our doors would be one which showed Boycie in a relatively positive light.

"Chipping Norton, later that week. We were to film a scene where Boycie goes on a fox-hunting expedition. It was an early hint at Greengrass, with Boycie seemingly drawn further and further out to the country. We had real, life foxes and everything, but Boycie's gun was to be loaded with blanks. Unfortunately, a cruel Challis arrived on set with a round of real bullets - and he intended to use 'em. Fortunately, John Sullivan drove up in his three-wheeled van and told us the episode was off. He'd had an idea about Del Boy going mad on a hang glider, and so we were to film that instead. More trouble averted!

"A few days later, the whole cast and crew assembled at The Nag's Head to celebrate Patrick Murray's 75th birthday. There were balloons, party hats, and even a giant cake! We were all in fine form, until John started mixing drinks -  Piña coladas, Long Island ice teas, you name it - and the jeering started. John started calling Patrick a "Two-tone throwback" and even threw a punch at producer Ray Butt at one point. We managed to bundle him out and into a taxi before you could say "Jack Robinson!", but the damaged had been done. Buster Merryfield threw his beer glass on the floor in anger. Gwyneth Strong swore under her breath. Paul Barber was furious.

"But there was no end to Challis' evil. On our very first day on the set of Green, Grass, Grass, he started mocking the new cast for being "country fucking bumpkins". The one who plays Elgin Sparrowhawk was enraged by this, and told John to go back to Peckham with his "urban ways". I was very embarrassed, and wished we hadn't moved down from London. But John Sullivan insisted that we film the Only spin-off in the countryside, to best suit the title.

And if you want more sordid titbits, please buy this book, available at better branches of Poundstretcher priced £1.49.

Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2019, 12:46:22 PM »
"Things weren't always difficult with John. He had a kind side that would come to the fore when times were at their toughest. I remember that dreadful day on set when we all found out Lennard Pearce had passed away. It was my first series and I was in bits. Would they cancel the show before I’d had my big break? Without a second's thought John leapt up out of his mahogany throne and ran into Len's dressing room, doused the walls with a small bottle of accelerant that he'd had in his pocket and set it alight. He closed the door behind him. David Jason tried to kick the door down to save him. I still remember Paul Barber screaming his name. "Challis! Challis! Get out of there Challis! For fuck's sake Johnny Challis!"

At this point John Sullivan got involved. He could see how distressed everyone was, Len was gone, John seemingly perishing in the flames. He quickly started a sing along to take everyone’s mind off things; the theme tune to his series Dear John. None of us knew the words, but we tried anyway. Poor Nick Lyndhurst was in a right state, both out of grief and also because he hated Dear John. He never admitted as much up until that point, trying to keep in Sullivan's good books. But once the cat was out of the bag John did everything he could to make poor Nick’s life a misery. I won’t go into the gory details, but let’s just say that Nick had to start bringing in sandwiches from home because catering were instructed to do things.

Once we’d finished singing, the door to Len’s dressing room burst open. John emerged unscathed but he had changed. His hair and moustache were now a brilliant white, Boycie’s famous coat and suit now gleaming gold. “Behold God’s greatest creation!” he bellowed. He gestured inside the burnt out room before passing out on the floor. We all crowded into the dressing room to find a naked old man lying in the ashes. We helped him to his feet, draped David’s sheepskin coat over him and guided him out onto the set. Ken MacDonald asked him if he was OK and the old man looked confused. He scratched his bushy white beard, looked us all up and down and bellowed the word “DURINDAWOAH!”

At this point John was back up on his feet. His hair and clothing back to normal. He had no recollection of ever going into that dressing room. He looked at the old man for the longest time before he returned to his mahogany throne where he snacked on a scotch egg. He never spoke about the incident again. In our hour of need John brought us Buster Merryfield. He’d go on to play Albert Gladstone Trotter, aka Uncle Grandad, for 38 episodes. You’d never know he was different to the rest of us except that he’d shed his skin once a fortnight and lived on a diet of raw fish guts and Mars bars.

You may have noticed that Boycie very rarely interacted with Uncle Grandad during the series. That’s because John and Buster would both start crying blood if they ever made eye contact which really did go against the message John Sullivan was trying to get across with his writing. Buster’s white beard would also stain quite badly so they kept them separated and the few times they did interact their parts were filmed separately and edited together in post.

So that was John’s gentler side. I wish we’d seen more of that, but I suspect the incident in the dressing room took quite the toll on him. That said, he did make a lovely quiche for the series 6 wrap party and he refused to join in that one time we tied Gwyneth Strong to an office chair and shoved her down a flight of stairs. She knows what she did.”

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2019, 12:56:59 PM »
"Did I say 'gentler' side?! Did I fuck. Sure, John could be 'reasonable' on occasion (one time in the BBC Canteen, we thought he was going to squash the guy who plays Jevon into a pulp, but he didn't), but that didn't make up for the cruel harassment he often doled out to new members of the cast. Case in point: Alan Parry.

"I don't know Alan's true name, the actor who plays him, but I can tell you that he was given the third degree by Challis on his first day on set. When we first meet Cassandra's father, we are given to believe he may be one of the Driscoll Brothers who are after Del. He calls Derek a "toerag", and appears to have a plaster coving a scar on his face. Well, that scar is all thanks to John Challis. In the original script, Alan comes in and cheerily tells Del "Hi I'm Alan's father oh yes we've already met how are you, Del?" But John Sullivan had to change the story after Challis took Mr. Parry into The Nag's toilets and began squeezing his facial cheek "in order to make the eye pop out." Well, there were ructions after that, but John Challis claimed he had been on heavy medication for his moustache at the time and he got away with it.

MORE TALES SOON!

DangledTeeth

  • When you're ugly...
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2019, 09:38:46 PM »
Great posts here.

--

Chapter 11 - Nineteen Ninety-dipsix

''John (Sullivan, not Challis) penned the 'final' Christmas trilogy of Only Fools and Horses, and filming began towards the end of summer '96. My agent contacted me - in July of that year - in order to inform me of yet another prestigious acting opportunity for a milestone in British comedy. I was overjoyed to play a recurring (albeit supporting) character yet again. Needless to say, one particular individual wasn't too pleased...

''Challis was somewhat pensive about the future of his acting career due to the proverbial Reliant Robin's rear door shutting for the final time (plot twist: it wasn't). In all honesty, we were concerned about our future endeavours as thespians. As you can imagine, there wasn't an air of worry emanating from David 'Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter' Jason, as he was securely doing The Darling Buds of Frost. Not to mention Nicholas 'Rodney ''You Prannying Plonkercock out of Butterflies'' Trotter' Lyndhurst, who was involved in the splendid Goodnight WHSmith series, where he plays a time-travelling family (who attempt to buy a copy of Angler's Monthly, a Euro Dance compilation CD and twenty pounds' worth of book tokens to slip into a bratty cunt's birthday card) but unexpectedly wander into a good ol' Bri'ish pub that's playing The Andrew Sisters from the radio, greeted by a chirpy cockney copper wearing black inform complete with big silver buttons.

''The impending three-part conclusion to The Greatest Ever Programme Ever of Everything Televisual Ever and Comically Funny was quite concerning for John Challis. He was very melancholic to the point of foreboding ennui. Dear, dear, dear. It was pretty tragic on one evening: John once shied away into his dressing room for approximately some minutes, and I could hear the distinctive snap of a cognac bottle's seal being broken, followed by a sadly poetic emission of alcoholic liquid being dispensed into a smeary whiskey glass.

''Most critics praised John's performance of Aubrey Boyce in the not-really-final episode 'Time on Our Hands', specifically the scene where a derisive Boycie cackles at Rodney for his requesting a Rolls Royce for purchase. Fans of the rarely repeated cult classic, OFAH, will recall Boycie's trademark machine-gun laughter slowly halting to acute bewilderment once the snobby tit realises Rodney can furnish Boycie the dosh for the decadent speeder. To achieve such a convincing yet genuine reaction, Rodney Trotter vengefully presents Boycie a Sothesby confirmation-of-sale letter. What the viewers don't realise - until now - is Nick Lyndhurst shows John Challis a rejection letter for John's application to be the face of the Sun in the avant-garde comedy known as The Teletubbies.

''I also clearly remember the moment we recorded the Nag's Head scene, where the smartly dressed Trotters enter the pub. Denzil is the first to robotically gawp and tediously clap at the suited family thereby commencing an all-round standing ovation. Boycie reluctantly gives a succession of claps at the height of the applause. Thing is, Sullivan never planned for this to occur. Originally, Boycie would be the first to clap in a solidly ironic and envious manner. Due to John Challis' disgruntled state of mind at the creeping lack of employment, he ended up clapping later than scripted. Sullivan and Tony Dow thought this had great timing and dynamic realism, so they decided not to reshoot the scene.''


Chapter 12 - Who Wants to be in Family Affairs?

''Once Only Fools 'officially' ended in 1996, the year 1997 followed - this was when the genius Comic Relief episode was aired. It was also around this time when Buster Merryfield became the one-off mascot for a crisp advert lightly promoting a dinosaur flick, while John did precisely fuck-all with his acting prowess. Actually, John did make a television appearance when he was briefly fooled by high-brow prankster Christopher Morris. I've watched that episode of Brass Eye and remember Challis' reaction regarding Noel Edmonds' fictional murder of Clive Anderson: ''Wha'!? Clive Anderson is dead?! Shot by Noel Edmonds?! You're having a fucking laugh, squire!!''.

''However, it was the same year Channel 5 launched (and was badly tuned to begin with). This very channel had its own soap called Family Affairs. Now, it was around the late 90s when John was bestowed a bit-part role as a kind of gangster/enforcer who makes a right fucking mess of a hairdressing salon in order to intimidate the owner into financing his needless protection racket. Well I remember it was John Challis, even though nothing on his IMDb or Wiki page has Family Affairs listed (perhaps he's too ashamed to mention it). 

''Also, would-you-believe-it, Nick Stringer -- who played Aussie Bloke and Jumbo Mills -- had a prominent role in the hit soap as an adoptive dad called Max. Well... John and Nick (not Lyndhurst) clashed behind the scenes, didn't they. John's repressed annoyance emerged its unwieldy head, causing him to exclaim that Nick was a 'prize wanker' for what he did all those years ago. According to John, Nick claimed to have had a real Shelby imported from the States and was willing to sell it to John for the second-hand mid-80s price of £5,000. The following day, John contacted Nick by telephone about the sale of the motor only for Challis to be met by the sound of a 'crap Boycie laugh'. Nick told a deflated Challis that it was merely an April Fools joke; this added to Challis' ire, for he walked past a newsagents that day and noticed a newspaper with the date '5th October, 1986'. Not only that, John didn't have a driving license at that time. 'What a 135% carat gold cunting plonker!', as Del Boy would say.''
« Last Edit: April 12, 2019, 11:23:49 PM by DangledTeeth »

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2019, 08:55:24 PM »
"To be fair, John had his problems. He would often down a full bottle of cognac ("and quick!") before he was required on set. One morning, the actor who played Sid jokingly asked him if he had "had enough for the day, mate?" John's eyes turned cruel, sinister, and he struck out at Sid, knocking his famous fag-end into a nearby gutter.

"On another occasion, he slapped one of the extras - the guy you often see in The Nag's who has a mullet and a big nose and reminds me of Mike Berry from Are You Being Served? crossed with Worzel Gummidge - round the chops. But there was a more sinister occasion that I will relate now, on the proviso that you don't tell anyone who hasn't bought this tell-all book.

"Wednesday afternoon, 5th August, 1989. John was in Margate filming 'The Jolly Boys' Outing' with all the lads in the crew. At 5PM, my phone rang. It was Challis himself. 'Mar-lene, you've got to help me, lav. All the boys are bullying me and have threatened to throw me into sea here at Margate! Help! Help!'

"'Is this a wind-up, Challis, I mean John? This is Sue Holderness... Marlene is not a real person! The phone went dead. A couple of days later, the boys returned from their outing with some bad news. Nicholas Lyndhurst spoke to me personally here at my maisonette in Charing Cross. 'Sue, I've some bad news. John threw Roy Evans, the actor who played Harry the coach driver, into the sea at Margate. He hasn't been found, and IMBb is listing him as 'deceased'.'

"'That can't be right, surely? Tim Berners-Lee has only just created the World Wide Web this year, and IMDb won't be along for some time after, I imagine.' Lyndhurst looked at me sadly. 'I have come through a time portal, Sue. It's out the back of the antiques shop I own. Then he left, quipping 'Goodnight, Sweetheart!' and tipping me a sly wink!

"'So you see, strange things do happen, and Challis once again proved himself to be the awful dickhead we always suspected him of being.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2019, 10:34:43 AM »
"John could be bitter by turns. I remember the time we were filming 'The Class of '62'. Jim Broadbent was going up in the world of his own accord, and there was always general amazement when he would occasionally turn up on set to play his duplicitous character PC Roy Slater. Everyone would freeze and go, "BROADBENT!" But Challis harboured a particular grudge against Jim, who he saw as stealing his thunder and destined for better things than he.



"One day, on the set of the last series of It's The Green, Grass!, we were filming in a field when a familiar voice called out. "Hi! Hi, there! John! Sue!" Believe it or not, it was James Gladstone Broadbent, as we live and breathe, pleased as y'like! He told us he was in a nearby copse filming a posh drama for Sky Atlantic or summit, which he said was going to be seen all over the world and in America and everything. "We'll be lucky to be glimpsed on PBS in the US, and in Macedonia or summit," mumbled John to himself. By this stage, Jim had become a big star, featuring in the likes of The Indian Jones and Marty DiBergi's New York's Gangs. John knew that in a few years time, he'd be stuck doing one-man show's about being Boycie up and down Britain's shoddy old theatres, while Broadbent would continue to be the toast of Hollywood and receive plaudits and Oscars galore. In a fit of pique, John grabbed Jim by the lapels of the expensive period costume he was wearing, and started screaming in his face. "I've got a lovely holiday home in the Seychelles, with excellent views of the sea, plus a mini bar in the front room stocked with wines, gins and ports galore! Beat that, Broadbean!" Jim looked pale, and merely gasped, "I've got to go... goodbye!" when John eventually released him.

"It was a sad time for John, and there was more awfulness to come, as I will relate in future chapters. Stay tuned. Please stay tuned.


Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2019, 09:25:08 PM »
Excerpt from "Do The Laugh", an interview with John Challis, taken from the July 23rd, 2001 edition of Radio Times.



"I cried a lot in the Nineties. A lot. It was pathetic. I was voiding my eyes at the drop of a lash. Unmanly. I cried when my royality cheques arrived. I cried when I heard someone calling their dog in for supper. I cried in a Netto, because the shoes were such good value. The day they lowered the age of consent for gays, I went to a churchyard and bawled into a clump of moss.

People saw me. They'd say, "do the laugh, John", but I couldn't. I tried it once. It was like gargling ashes.

My wife joined me up to a gym. I went in there. I got on the running machine, I set it to "Despondent Shopper" and started trudging, and sobbing. I angled myself forwards into an imaginary wind and slowly increased the speed up to "Followed By A Man In A Balaclava In Bradford". I cried 300 calories out of my body.

I recall seeing beautiful girls on streets, the spring breezes lifting their underskirts and tugging at their ponytails. I'd get an erection and burst in tears.

I remember, a beautiful day one August. I put on my shades and a light coat and went to sit in the park. I seen this squirrel, and it's got some kind of a broken tail, hopping around in the leaves all wonky, looking for its pals. It looked a bit like Nick Lyndhurst, loping along after his brother... confused... gormless...

I pissed my sunglasses.

There was no work. Fools was over, so we thought. I was sick of getting into fights in pubs when people would ask me to fall through the bar and I'd tell them that wasn't me, it was Roger Lloyd Pack and they'd get so angry, thinking I was trying to brush them off, and then the waterworks would come, and... ah, you'd see their anger turn to pity, disgust.

I had this idea, a new show, "A Boycie-cle Built For Two". It would be me and Marlene (actress Sue Holderness), cycling around Devon, doing laughs, looking out to sea. Beautiful. The BBC didn't want to know.

It all came to a head on the beach at Weston Super-mare when I poured Lipton iced tea all over myself and threatened to dive, crying, into a wasps nest unless John Sullivan wrote a few more specials involving the Peckham lads. Luckily, he saw sense, and here we are... the rest, as they say, is history...

But (and here his face darkens), don't you ever, ever, f*****g ask me to do the laugh."





Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2019, 09:29:03 PM »
I don't think I've heard of John Chall so I probably wont read this, even if the truth about him IS revealed in it, as the thread title promises.

FerriswheelBueller

  • Golden Todger or
  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Less tired. Still sorry if my posts are shit.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2019, 01:08:54 AM »
For 30 quid you could get him to read an “excerpt” from one of these...

https://www.celebvm.com/johnchallis

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.

Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2019, 08:30:32 AM »

FerriswheelBueller

  • Golden Todger or
  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Less tired. Still sorry if my posts are shit.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #11 on: April 29, 2019, 10:59:29 AM »
That site is amazing.

https://www.celebvm.com/gervaislookalike

Somebody else posted it in another thread, I was browsing for some peak deso and saw Challis in there. I immediately thought of Glebe and this thread

DangledTeeth

  • When you're ugly...
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #12 on: April 29, 2019, 11:00:24 PM »
Chapter 36 - Pissed Morning

In the 2010s - this decade - John and I are still doing the chat-show circuit in between attending meet-and-greet autograph conventions, promoting his latest book BOYCIE 'JOHN CHALLIS' BOYCIE: TYPECAST.

We were in an Addison Lee cab on the way to the ITV studios. I noticed a whiff of Costcutter cheese & celery sandwich and Buckfast on John's breath once he climbed onto his seat. He glumly looked out the window then gingerly indicated a high street, when he muttered ''Used to be a Woolworth's there,'' in an attempt to disguise the 'smelly applause' he strained out, i.e. a fart. What can you say to that?! It's just appalling, really.

John perked himself up and asked the cab driver if he'd 'Consider having a go on the one out of Little Mix,' specifically the one with the 'apple-shaped head.' The driver smirked and tilted his head as he pondered the question and answered: ''Erm... I think I know who you mean, mate. Yeah, why not, eh. I don't think the wife would appreciate it, mind.''

We went to the ITV Studios in order to have a chatterfest with Schofield and Holly - last time was approximately two years ago. Well... John was feeling a notch peckish at the snack table, a manoeuvre he later regretted (although it gave the cleaner an extra job).

What happened, right, was Phillip ate this staggeringly spicy crisp - a really powerful delicacy - and he refused to drink any milk after the crunch, I dunno, something about a world record. As you might have guessed, John found a left-over yet unopened triangle of mouth violence on the buffet table. As John bit down on the lone tortilla chip, Phillip came jogging across, waving his hands in protest. ''Whatever you do, John, don't rub your eyes because the dusting will make it all worse; it'll fucking sting like a wasp's prick, mate,'' blurted Schofield ''I'll get you a glass of milk. Wait there.''.

John started to perspire and managed to croak out: ''It's like bonfire night on my pissing tongue, Sue!!''. Luckily, this happened during the advert break after John plugged his new book and willingly did the trademark laugh.

Later in the day, I found John slumped in the dressing room chair, appearing completely ecstatic with a dribble of milk under his moustache, with the title music to Camille 2000 playing from a stereo. Yet again, he had one of his 'coffees', it's a cup of Nescafe with a hint of vodka. He only has a livener or two when he feels despondent due to being away from home for more than a day. Unfortunately, his concoction played havoc with that dodgy crisp he snacked, resulting in an urgent visit to the flush chair.

Being the respectful woman I am, who doesn't like malodorous bum breezes, I kept away from John's private session. I expected he'd be umbering the loo like an enema fountain for at least ten minutes, but when quarter past one turned to quarter to two, I began to feel concerned. Had he passed out? Who knew?

I inquisitively looked around the corridors for John after knocking on the cubicle door. Fortunately, I approached a receptionist at their desk and was told that John was seen tottering off towards the world-renowned Southbank skating area. Surprisingly, a group of American and Chinese tourists were taking snaps of John within the artistic den. It turns out one of the graffiti lads recognised ''That guy off Del Boy as seen every day on GOLD'' and supplied John with some scrap aerosol cans. I don't know much about graff, but the simplistic early 90s steez is 'Cosmic! Cos-fucking-mic!'' as Rodney would say.




John, posing near his handiwork, yesterday
« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 01:59:15 AM by DangledTeeth »

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #13 on: May 01, 2019, 02:17:44 AM »
Excerpt from "Do The Laugh", an interview with John Challis, taken from the July 23rd, 2001 edition of Radio Times.

"That interview was the catalyst for the rest of us to try and get John help. On John Sullivan's suggestion, a number of us kidnapped John and bundled him into the back of an ambulance. But he wasn't going to A&E. No way. Strapped to the gurney, he had no escape from the large pair of pliers that David Jason produced. Roger Lloyd-Pack, who was driving, screamed, "FUCKING HELL!""

John perked himself up and asked the cab driver if he'd 'Consider having a go on the one out of Little Mix,' specifically the one with the 'apple-shaped head.'

"That was typical of John at that time. He once described Duffy as having a head 'the size of a tangerine.'"

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #14 on: May 01, 2019, 06:54:43 AM »
"Challis could be bitter. I remember one time in Make-Up, Nicholas Lyndhurst was talking about filming a new series of The Piglet Files, and John was fucking fuming. 'I'm not jealous,' he said, 'It's just that I can't stand such disloyalty to OFAH!' Nicholas just laughed. 'Er, and I suppose you'd turn down another show if you were offered a part in it, out of loyalty?' Challis got indignant. 'I've been offered loads of shows, but I turned 'em all down, mate.' Nicholas wasn't having it. 'So you have a problem with David doing all them shows, Open All Hours, The Darling Buds of May and that?' Challis nearly choked. 'No, well... David is in with Ronnie 'The Guv'nor' Barker, he can do as he pleases!' Then I (foolishly) chipped in and it all went mental.

"'That's just bullshit, John,' I laughed. John Challis turned to me with rage in his eyes. 'FUCK OFF, SUE!' he thundered, 'I don't value your opinion on anything! Weren't you the one who applauded the council round my way for giving the go-ahead for construction of affordable housing, in my back yard, virtually?! And didn't I see you give a thumbs-up to a new-age protestor in a tree during location filming recently? Well?!

"Nicholas said nowt, and went out quietly. 'That's enough, John,' I said through tears, picking up my blusher. 'That's enough'."

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #15 on: May 02, 2019, 06:38:37 AM »
"Ahhhhh, Challis could be nasty! One time, Buster Merryfield asked him for one of his Scampi Flavour Fries. John just scowled, and held the packet of Scampis away from Merryfield. It wasn't the nicest thing in the world, and I remember a collective bitter taste in the mouth lingering for weeks to come.

"Another time, I do recall David Jason enjoying some fish and chips while the crew prepared the next shot. Challis walked in, he wasn't even invited, just walked into the Nelson Mandela lounge and snatched the lunch snack away from Jason's very fist. Prick.

"This other time, he saw Roger Lloyd-Pack having a sneaky fag break behind the BBC studios. He approached Roger, rubbed the cig in his face and said, "You pissing twat, Lloyd-Pack. Bugger off, or I shall rearrange your fucking face in an instant."

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #16 on: May 03, 2019, 02:31:19 AM »
"Further revelations I have about John prove dark, disturbing. He once set fire to The Nag's Head set, later lamely trying to blame it on the fictional character of Mike Fisher, saying that it was an 'insurance job'. On an entirely separate occasion, he shoved Buster Merryfield's head into a pot of onions. But that's nothing compared to what he told Wanda Ventham. He said, 'Your son will amount to nothing, the waster.' But Ventham's son had the last laugh in the end, because he was Benedict Cumberbatch, who would go on to find fame with Sherlock and big hollywood movies. Ask John about him now, he merely sniffs. 'I never like Ventham,' he'll say, 'and the son just got lucky. He got lucky.'

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #17 on: May 09, 2019, 01:36:39 PM »
"You thought the revelations had ceased, but let me tell you, my latest excerpt will shock and surprize!

"I was rehearsing my lines on the set, getting into 'Marlene' mode as it were, when John came striding in with a face like thunder. The guy who is Jevon was standing nearby, and John gave him a look that would chill your marrow! The next thing you know, Sid, the cafe owner, comes in - not the fictional character, but the guy who portrayed him - and asked if anyone had a light. This was before the cigarette ban. John turned slowly towards Sid (the actor, not 'really' Sid!) and growled, "No, I do not have a fucking light, the actor who played Sid!" What's worse, Nicholas Lyndhurst happened to be standing behind John, and accidentally brushed against him. "Get out of the fucking way!" yelled John, slamming Nicholas into a nearby sideboard.

"It was awful. But that was Challis. Bitter to the last."

Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2019, 02:37:03 PM »
"One of the worst times I ever spent with John was when we were doing a public appearance, opening a branch of Bejam in Tiverton back in 1985. When I arrived at the hotel, John was already in the bar, drunk and belligerent. "Don't you know who I am?" he screamed at the barman. "If Challis wants smoky bacon, Challis'll have smoky bacon, alright?" I rushed in to calm him down. I always keep a packet of crisps in my bag in case of such an occasion.

John grabbed the bag of smoky bacon and his glass of Rémy Martin and threw himself through the window out onto the patio. The barman and I looked on in astonishment as he ran into the street and munched on the potato snacks in the bus shelter opposite the hotel. Later that night when I was in bed I heard a scratching noise. I looked to see crisps being pushed under the door, followed by the empty packet and a note. “Please put these crisps back in the bag. I may need them later. Sincerely, Challis.”

The next day I met him in the hotel restaurant for breakfast. You’d think after a performance like that, he’d be a little bit sheepish. Not John. He was dabbing his cuts with cotton wool soaked with single malt whilst telling the waitress he’d gotten his wounds in a fist fight with Paul Nicholas. “Never met the twat,” he later confided as he downed his Eggs Benedict and the remains of his scotch. “Her name badge said Nicola, so I thought they might have been related.”

As if that weren’t already bad enough, things took a turn for the even worse when we arrived at the supermarket. John burst into the manager’s office shouting “I’m Sue Holderness and this is my assistant Titsy Cunt-Arse”. The manager tried to take it in his stride and laughed, presuming it was all a big joke from the sitcom star. John continued, “It’s not funny mate. You want to see funny, you should meet my co-star John Challis, aka Boycie off of Only Fools and Horses. The funniest man in the country. He couldn’t be here today because his marriage to the actress Debbie Arnold is going so well.”

The penny dropped. John’s marriage was coming to an end and this was his coping mechanism. “It’s alright, John,” I said, touching his hand, “you know you can talk to me whenever you want.” He looked at me, I saw a glimmer of humanity in his eyes for just a second before he stormed off into the store. He grabbed a turkey from a freezer and hurled it across the store. “Bernard Matthews fucked my wife!” he roared. He grabbed a cherry pie; “Sara Lee fucked my wife!” A box of cereal; “Tony the Frosties Tiger fucked my wife!” He systematically went around the store, throwing items and accusing their makers and mascots of having affairs with Debbie.

The manager tried to tidy up as John headed outside. He said he was going to fight Captain Birdseye and the Kia-Ora crows in the carpark for fucking his wife. We feared the worst as members of the public and local press were now gathered outside. But as soon as he saw the massed crowd it was like a switch went on in his head. “Good morning, everyone. Sorry we’re late, I just got off the phone with a friend. If I can call him that. You know what Derek Trotter is like. Where’s that wife of mine? Maaaaarleeeene!?” Everyone was in fits of laughter, we did the iconic laughs and the catchphrases, we cut the ribbon and everyone had a jolly good day. Unbelievable after the night and morning we’d had.

And he’s still like that to this day. I’ve seen him go from pelting a Salvation Army band with dog dirt one minute, to gleefully posing for snaps with Joe Public when touring with his latest autobiographies, Crash Bang Boycie and Please Boycie, Don’t Hurt ‘Em. No wonder Paul Barber calls him “Johnny Challis, the most professional cunt in showbiz”.

I’d like to say that the trip ended on a high note, but none of us had noticed John stash the ribbon-cutting scissors up his sleeve, which he subsequently used on the way back to the hotel, to stab the poor taxi driver for fucking his wife. It took us three days to properly dispose of the body.

But that’s a story for another chapter..."

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2019, 05:25:34 PM »
^A tissue of lies, but a superb chapter, nonetheless.

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #20 on: May 14, 2019, 04:26:24 PM »
"Ohhhhh, Challis could be cruel! Horrible, and vindictive to the last! One time, he pushed Mickey Pearce into a wall. Another, he spat at John Sullivan. At another time he did crush Buster Merryfield's ligaments beneath a giant pulveriser! But he was like that, was John. You'd think butter wouldn't melt, but next thing he was smashing your face in with a golfing iron."

Glebe

  • The Year of the Macaque.
Re: Truth about John Challis revealed in new book.
« Reply #21 on: May 16, 2019, 01:20:13 AM »
"And did I mention John's meanness? Oh, I can tell you, the man was a veritable miser! We all went out for a curry to celebrate Tessa Peake-Jones birthday once, and he flatly refused to chip in! Not only that, but he wouldn't sign the giant birthday card we got her. Then he drank too many bottles of Cobra beer and fucked a chicken biryani into John Sullivan's lap. The cad ."