Author Topic: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?  (Read 3264 times)

Companion thread to the other one, times people have tried to "get one over" and have been utterly transparent

seepage

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2019, 03:30:36 PM »
My school nemesis tried to trip me up from behind but I did a sort of Irish dancing counter and he sprawled into the road, in front of all his mates.

thenoise

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2019, 03:34:03 PM »
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Buelligan

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2019, 03:34:38 PM »
My lovely cat trying to pat a little piece of cheese off the table and onto the floor and then looking at something invisible with great interest when she heard me come into the room.

Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2019, 03:37:25 PM »
My lovely cat trying to pat a little piece of cheese off the table and onto the floor and then looking at something invisible with great interest when she heard me come into the room.

Cat there thinks it's a mouse. Mental

thenoise

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2019, 03:41:09 PM »
Ladys: worreid about your sexy tit pics falling into the wrong hands online?  PM them to me and I will keep them safe.  £1.50 handling charge1 thenoise@gmail.com

1. Extra for vag/bum

Buelligan

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2019, 03:42:20 PM »
Cat there thinks it's a mouse. Mental

That's what she wants you to think.

Twed

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2019, 04:04:11 PM »
A much tougher kid at secondary school tried to kick me, but I was on a slightly-raised platform and grabbed his leg and just held it against the wooden rail thing for aaaaaaaaaaages

Edit: This isn't in the spirit of the thread at all
« Last Edit: April 12, 2019, 07:20:40 PM by Twed »

Sin Agog

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2019, 04:40:08 PM »
Yesterday my sweet but naive young Muslim neighbour started off a conversation all pro-Brexit, but then when it became clear that I wasn't with him he said: "I only said that because I was trying to be...like an undercover journalist."

Bingo Fury

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2019, 05:26:18 PM »
I used to live in a flat with a bloke who would get a big bag of grass every week and flog bits off to his mates. He was also friends with this really dodgy geezer, who would do things like get a job, feign illness until his sick time was used up then move on to another job and do the same thing there. I'm convinced he was the culprit who stole a bunch of LPs, books and virtually my entire comics collection from me while I lived there. I'm not sure why my flatmate tolerated him, because he stole a batch of LPs from him as well.

Anyway, as my flatmate related to me the next morning, dodgy geezer was round one night for a smoke and a DVD, and flatmate left the room to go to the toilet. But he was in the toilet for less time than dodgy geezer anticipated, and he came back in the room to catch him in the middle of stealing a liberal fistful of grass from his baggie. Just, like, in his mitt, about to be crammed into a pocket or some other receptacle he might have brought in case the opportunity arose. Rather than apologise or make some pathetic excuse, dodgy geezer decided to take a leaf out of Basil Fawlty's book and pretended to faint, "coming round" a few seconds later making unconvicing "What happened? What am I doing down here? I don't remember anything ..." noises - quickly drowned out by my flatmate's hoots of laughter at his feeble attempt at drawing attention away from being caught red-handed.

Blue Jam

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2019, 05:34:58 PM »
That time I was targeted by the world's crappest mugger. She looked like a junkie but even without that it would have been obvious what she was up to:

Quote
OBVIOUS MUGGER: Excuse me, can I borrow your phone?
ME: No.
OBVIOUS MUGGER: Oh... Do you know where the nearest police station is?
ME: Yes, it's just round that corner [we are in Deptford, very near said police station]
OBVIOUS MUGGER: Oh... Er, that one's closed...Please can I borrow your phone? It's an emergency...
ME: [pointing right behind OBVIOUS MUGGER] You can use that phonebox there...

Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2019, 05:38:52 PM »
Some kid in high school saw the 'everyone donate 2p to this African child' fund unattended at the school reception and swiped it and ran like fuck. Made about 15 quid and got relentlessly ripped for being the sort of scrote who nicks 15 quids worth of tuppences destined for some poor African.

Blue Jam

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2019, 05:45:31 PM »
My lovely cat trying to pat a little piece of cheese off the table and onto the floor and then looking at something invisible with great interest when she heard me come into the room.

That reminds me, I do love a bit of derisory canine cunning...

My last dog used to demand ear scritches whenever she'd been out in the rain, and then hope I didn't notice that she was really just trying to dry her head by rubbing it on my jumper.

One time me and Mr Jam were having a picnic when a woman walked past, followed by a little dog walking to heel, off the lead. He started lagging behind her, so that his trajectory started giving us a "You ain't seen me, right" look and taking a diagonal path right through our picnic. When he arrived at his chosen destination his owner ran over, apologised profusely and clipped his lead on, and his facial expression changed to "Oh would you just look at that, I've arrived at this food completely by mistake!"

Another time, on another picnic, we were accosted by a pair of spaniels. One of them planted herself down by my side and started demanding a belly rub, edging closer to the food as if I would be too distracted by her cuteness to notice. The other one  was more brazen and just nicked a bit of bread and ran off.

Dogs, it's best to be brazen- admit it to yourselves, you are not cunning, being dumb as a box of rocks is a hallmark of your subspecies.

Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2019, 05:48:27 PM »
My old housemate's collie regularly outsmarted me tbh.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #14 on: April 13, 2019, 07:18:53 AM »
A man trying to clandestinely piss in a small niche of a sandwich stall upstairs in Leeds station.

Took about 6 seconds before someone shouted out "IS HE PISSING?!?"

All the station toilets are clearly marked, accessible within a few minutes wherever you are in the station, and free.

Puce Moment

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #15 on: April 13, 2019, 12:55:57 PM »
Salesman to my wife 20mins ago at a pop-up Persian rug shop.

"Yeah, sorry, we had a mad rush on this morning and all the price tags fell off the rugs. £190 for that Madam."

chinny reckon

Dex Sawash

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #16 on: April 13, 2019, 01:08:52 PM »
Street corner cardboard sign 60 year old homeless man, sign says

      WILL WORK FOR FOOD
(WORK PERMIT APPLIED FOR)

In usa work permits are only for children under 18 (varies by state). Could be the state was just moving really slowly though.

Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #17 on: April 13, 2019, 01:28:07 PM »
Salesman to my wife 20mins ago at a pop-up Persian rug shop.

"Yeah, sorry, we had a mad rush on this morning and all the price tags fell off the rugs. £190 for that Madam."

chinny reckon

I once went to check out a flat being rented out in the shithole that is Balnagask. The bloke, clearly just bought as a BTL job, said 'yeah it's a bit of a dodgy area but I reckon if you keep yourself to yourself it'll be alright'. Then at the end of the viewing sprung a 'well I hadn't planned this, but some guy phoned up and offered to rent it blind over the phone for over the asking price so I'm just jotting down everyone's bids and I'm going to take the highest.'. Yeah, no.

Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #18 on: April 13, 2019, 01:43:44 PM »


Robots is it lads?  Pull the other one.

Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #19 on: April 14, 2019, 09:07:15 PM »
Got audited by Scientologists once in Bournemouth (I'm ridiculously passive and if someone in the street asks me if I've got time to do a quick survey, I'm normally too awkward to say no, and then next thing I'm surrounded by L. Ron Hubbard posters and hooked up to an e-meter).

While I was in their office, another hapless person they'd brought in off the street was getting the same routine, and the guy sitting with him took a phone call (which seemed like it was possibly just him acting with no one else on the line) where he was talking about some (potentially fictional) event, and he kept saying stuff in really hammy way like 'Really? Tom Cruise is going to be there? Great! Oh, and John Travolta too?' etc. etc.

icehaven

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #20 on: April 14, 2019, 09:21:28 PM »
Got a landline call recently (about 2 days after plugging the thing in) claiming to be from my internet provider and that someone was trying to "get into my internet." I hung up but kind of wish I'd stayed on and played with them a bit, so obviously scaremongering was the tone (der der DER, Madam, someone is trying to get into your internet, but we can help....) Makes you want to arm old people with a down-phone gun.

Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #21 on: April 14, 2019, 09:23:28 PM »
Got a landline call recently (about 2 days after plugging the thing in) claiming to be from my internet provider and that someone was trying to "get into my internet." I hung up but kind of wish I'd stayed on and played with them a bit, so obviously scaremongering was the tone.

Now he's trapped in there like the ending of the Lawnmower Man.

Phoenix Lazarus

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #22 on: April 14, 2019, 09:28:51 PM »
An invisible man stalked me.  Bird shat on him.

samadriel

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #23 on: April 15, 2019, 12:38:41 PM »
Now he's trapped in there like the ending of the Lawnmower Man.

Or Gremlins 2!

Paul Calf

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #24 on: April 15, 2019, 01:25:58 PM »
Got a landline call recently (about 2 days after plugging the thing in) claiming to be from my internet provider and that someone was trying to "get into my internet." I hung up but kind of wish I'd stayed on and played with them a bit, so obviously scaremongering was the tone (der der DER, Madam, someone is trying to get into your internet, but we can help....) Makes you want to arm old people with a down-phone gun.

This guy does it like a pro (which he is):

https://www.twitch.tv/kitboga

Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #25 on: April 15, 2019, 01:37:19 PM »
Failed muggings.

Once in Barcelona a kid essentially made me dry hump him as a way of trying to manoeuvre himself into a position to pick pocket me. I straight up asked him if he was trying to mug me and he just said yes and walked away in defeat.

Walking across Central Park in that New York and got chatting to a fairly dishevelled looking afro-american guy who decided to join me for a walk. He told me all about his times in prison and all the bad things he had done and at one point he pointed out that we just walked past the actress who plays Grace in Will and Grace (it was her). When we reached the edge of Strawberry Fields he said "So go and get me my money then." so I asked him "What money" and he said "The money you are going to get me from the ATM." so I said "No I'm not doing that." so he just walked off shaking his head.

touchingcloth

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #26 on: April 15, 2019, 07:04:21 PM »
This driver is bad at being mad with cyclists: https://youtube.com/watch?v=BAHMGgZ9fec

Paul Calf

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #27 on: April 15, 2019, 08:41:26 PM »
That reminds me, I do love a bit of derisory canine cunning...

My last dog used to demand ear scritches whenever she'd been out in the rain, and then hope I didn't notice that she was really just trying to dry her head by rubbing it on my jumper.

One time me and Mr Jam were having a picnic when a woman walked past, followed by a little dog walking to heel, off the lead. He started lagging behind her, so that his trajectory started giving us a "You ain't seen me, right" look and taking a diagonal path right through our picnic. When he arrived at his chosen destination his owner ran over, apologised profusely and clipped his lead on, and his facial expression changed to "Oh would you just look at that, I've arrived at this food completely by mistake!"

Another time, on another picnic, we were accosted by a pair of spaniels. One of them planted herself down by my side and started demanding a belly rub, edging closer to the food as if I would be too distracted by her cuteness to notice. The other one  was more brazen and just nicked a bit of bread and ran off.

Dogs, it's best to be brazen- admit it to yourselves, you are not cunning, being dumb as a box of rocks is a hallmark of your subspecies.

I love these stories.

Blue Jam

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #28 on: April 15, 2019, 11:01:40 PM »
I have just noticed that I messed up copying and pasting the one about the dog that altered its course to a diagonal trajectory that just happened to go through our picnic... yes, that was it.

Have another: One example of innate behaviour in dogs is that thing where they hold one front paw up to indicate that they are scared of something. Well, my dog also used to do that when I was eating- she would march over to me, looking very confident and not remotely scared of anything, and then sit down and dangle one paw in the air, hoping A.That I would be fooled by this "Ooooh, I'm so scared, please comfort me with some of your lovely food" act, and B. That I would be irresponsible enough to feed a dog from the table.

I never did of course, which led to the best bit- eventually the front leg she was leaning on would get tired, so she'd change legs and put the other paw up. Then that one would get tired... Oh I did use to enjoy her pathetic little hopping dance...
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 11:11:51 PM by Blue Jam »

Rich Uncle Skeleton

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Re: What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?
« Reply #29 on: April 15, 2019, 11:06:10 PM »
This driver is bad at being mad with cyclists: https://youtube.com/watch?v=BAHMGgZ9fec

Watch that once every few months and "Put your FUCKING MOUTH.. shut." gets me every time , to say nothing off the ending!