What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?

[kngen]

'Of course I don't know what a nazis are'

Incredibly, it seems to have worked.

[Flouncer]

Watch that once every few months and "Put your FUCKING MOUTH.. shut." gets me every time , to say nothing off the ending!

"Is that what is says in the highway code?"
"No, it says KNOCK YOU CUNTS OVER!"

[Sebastian Cobb]

I especially like how you can get quite far in before realising there's a passenger in that car silently holding their head in a way that suggests this isn't the first time this has happened. Same with the Ronnie Pickering one.

[sponk]

"Do you know my name?"

[holyzombiejesus]

Not witnessed by myself but my manager at work told me how she was making her 4 year old son stay in his bedroom as some kind of punishment. He kept trying to come out so she sat outside his room. He soon emerged wearing his Bob the Builder helmet and sunglasses and tried to just stroll past her.

[Twed]

INCREDIBLE

[Mr Banlon]

There was a 15 year old scottish kid that lived on the estate I used to knock about on in west London. He and his family had moved down from Glasgow after being told to leave Scotland for their own protection.
The whole family were wrong-uns, and this kid was the worst. He was a drunk, a violent troublemaker (despite having the shit kicked out of him on a regular basis by smaller, younger kids) and a thief of the 'if it's not tied down' variety. He was really really shit at crime and was always being nicked.
Our little group used to hang about outside the offie/cornershop on the estate. The asian bloke that ran the shop was pretty decent. He'd sometimes come out and give us cans of expired beer to keep us sweet and not shoplift from his store.
The scottish lad started coming down to the shop, and every time he went in he bought a can of Fosters and made a point of telling the shopkeeper that he loved Fosters, and that Fosters was the only thing he would drink (despite the fact he would drink absolutely anything) and if 'he' were to ever nick anything from the shop, it would just be Fosters.
After about a week or so of the weegie going in to the shop and doing his Fosters bit, the shop was burgled.
I walked over to the shop in the morning after the robbery and the shutters were busted, the window was broken and the shopkeeper was standing there crying. All the booze had been stolen. Well, every single bottle and can of booze on the shelves, apart from the Fosters.
When the police arrived, the scottish lad turned up and said to the shopkeeper, "Well, you know it definitely wasn't me because there's still Fosters there. "
The police asked the shopkeeper what the (very well known to them) kid was talking about. The shopkeeper told them about the lad's Fosters schtick over the past week. They nicked the scottish fella right there and then for theft and criminal stupidity.
The police recovered all the stolen booze from his house.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I've just remembered a couple of the thick+hard kids from school abandoned their short-lived housebreaking spree after one of them got a leg up into an open window only to get punched in the face by the angry bloke inside.

[Noonling]

When I had come out of an airport (I think it was Belgrade), there was a taxi rank with various guys calling out to offer a ride with the implication that they were the only option. I was tired and confused so I asked the nearest one:

Me: Uh...Isn't there a bus to the city centre?
Him: No, no, no bus. You'll need to take a taxi, I can take you.
Me (pointing at a bus at a bus stop):  What about that? Isn't that the bus?
Him: No... That's a different bus.

[sponk]

Not witnessed by myself but my manager at work told me how she was making her 4 year old son stay in his bedroom as some kind of punishment. He kept trying to come out so she sat outside his room. He soon emerged wearing his Bob the Builder helmet and sunglasses and tried to just stroll past her.

The only thing I don't like about this is the word "tried" because it implies that she stopped him. She should have just said "Hey Bob" and let him go where he wanted.

[Sebastian Cobb]

The time when you could do what you like because you wore the right hat is behind us. Mostly.

[Dr Sanchez]

I landed in cancun last August and when I got outside the airport it was so hot I thought I'd entered a massive grill masquerading as a country.

With my sunglasses steamed up and jet lagged, I stumbled about like a bit of a tit. But I saw salvation, there was a beer cart! I walked up and could see big cans of Corona on ice, not great beer but it was cold and refreshing.

I walked up to the beer assistant and asked for a can. The prices on the cart were in dollars but we only had Pesos. I got my wallet out and gave it to my girlfriend to pay because our taxi guy was calling me.

The cans were $2 and expensive by Mexican standards. It equaled about 40 pesos. My girlfriend came over to me,   gave me the beer and I asked how much he charged because she wasn't too sure on the exchange rates. She said "oh about 200 pesos, he said it was more but decided to give us a break" the motherfucker had taken $10 instead of $2!

I approached the guy,  hoping he wasn't in the cartel and asked why he charged so much. He stuttered and his English suddenly got very bad but I explained very clearly that he knowingly took way too much to which he replied "oh no mister, I thought you bought four cans, I was just keeping the rest cold for you"

[Flatulent Fox]

Guy sitting in his BMW outside the Bank of Scotland in Canterbury trying to push moody watches on a friday afternoon.
"How much would you pay for a watch like this?"
I said I didn't want a watch.
"No go on how much do you think this is worth?"
Five quid
As if deciding not to listen to me he continued quickly brandishing a catalogue..."They're selling this exact watch in this magazine..."
I just walked away.

Probably had a carrier bag full of them,a badly rehearsed script and needing to pay his tick.

[Mr Banlon]

Guy sitting in his BMW outside the Bank of Scotland in Canterbury trying to push moody watches on a friday afternoon.
"How much would you pay for a watch like this?"
I said I didn't want a watch.
"No go on how much do you think this is worth?"
Five quid
As if deciding not to listen to me he continued quickly brandishing a catalogue..."They're selling this exact watch in this magazine..."
I just walked away.

Probably had a carrier bag full of them,a badly rehearsed script and needing to pay his tick.

It's an old scam, at least 20 years old. I'm a bit of a watch buff/bore and know quite a bit about watches (I collect, modify and tinker with watches)
A bloke, usually a flash asian fella or a 'city-wanker' type white fella in a decent (rented) BMW or Benz will approach and give you spiel about having a watch they've got. They pull out a magazine ad or catalogue with the said watch pictured in it at an expensive price.
Sometimes they say they've just bought the car and it came with the watch.
Back in 1999 some dickhead bloke who used to hang about with my mate was showing off his watch watch he got for £200 off some bloke.
I looked at it, and told him it was a piece of shit.
He said, "You're just jealous mate. It's worth thousands."
I said, "Don't tell me, some bloke in a flash motor in a decent part of town stopped you and showed you the watch and a magazine ad with it listed at an expensive price ?"
"Yeah so ?"
Anyway, I opened the back of the watch and showed him the cheap miyota quartz movement and explained in boring technical detail exactly why his watch was shit and worth about a tenner.

[machotrouts]

What's the most derisory attempt at cunning you've ever witnessed?

Once in Barcelona a kid essentially made me dry hump him

[Bronzy]

Once in Barcelona a kid essentially made me dry hump him

What's the most derisory attempt at cumming you've ever witnessed?

[Twed]

It's an old scam, at least 20 years old. I'm a bit of a watch buff/bore and know quite a bit about watches (I collect, modify and tinker with watches)
A bloke, usually a flash asian fella or a 'city-wanker' type white fella in a decent (rented) BMW or Benz will approach and give you spiel about having a watch they've got. They pull out a magazine ad or catalogue with the said watch pictured in it at an expensive price.
Sometimes they say they've just bought the car and it came with the watch.
Back in 1999 some dickhead bloke who used to hang about with my mate was showing off his watch watch he got for £200 off some bloke.
I looked at it, and told him it was a piece of shit.
He said, "You're just jealous mate. It's worth thousands."
I said, "Don't tell me, some bloke in a flash motor in a decent part of town stopped you and showed you the watch and a magazine ad with it listed at an expensive price ?"
"Yeah so ?"
Anyway, I opened the back of the watch and showed him the cheap miyota quartz movement and explained in boring technical detail exactly why his watch was shit and worth about a tenner.

Mr Banlon would you like to see the watch thread?

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,68891.msg3596414.html

[Mr Banlon]

Mr Banlon would you like to see the watch thread?

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,68891.msg3596414.html

Some nice stuff on there.

[mothman]

https://youtu.be/LYgKmOJT_gM

[Bazooka]

Hong Kong airport. You buy all your sun creams, mosquito cream and Lynx Africa for big bucks in the departing airport,after security, fly off to wherever, but wait you have a transfer at Hong Kong airport, where you face another security check which strips you of your wares that you purchased 12 hours prior.

[touchingcloth]

Never buy from airport shops if you've yet to make a connecting flight. Derisory lack of cunning, that, chum. Schoolboy. Zero sympathy. I hope you enjoyed paying Hong Kong prices for Lynx, where they probably call it Axe.

[touchingcloth]

Here's one that I haven't witnessed except with my ears.

My partner used to work in telly. One of the presenters she worked with - The Talent, as they get called, and in this case a piece of talent who appeared on the Beeb list of highly paid people - used to demand, whenever there was a shoot somewhere which required an overnight stay, that the production assistants find a hotel which would allow them to bring their dogs.

On one such shoot, no dog-friendly hotels could be found within a useful radius, so the production assistant pleaded with the presenter. I know you love your dog, but this hotel has a strict no animals policy, do you understand? What I'm saying is, don't just turn up hopefully with your dog, because it won't be allowed in. Please, please say something to confirm that you understand that you cannot bring your dog. Under no circumstances must you bring your dog. All clear? Cool, thanks.

The day before the shoot, the crew were assembled in the hotel lobby with drinks waiting for everyone to arrive, and saw the doors open to admit the presenter, dog in tow and dark sunglasses donned. They pantomimed a precarious, cautious gait to the reception, gave their name and said "...and I also have my dog with me, for I am blind."

The receptionist said "...but I've seen you on the telly, so I know you're not blind."

[Dex Sawash]

Daughter popped out a spawn the other day so we have her dog for a few weeks. As soon as I turn the lamp off he jumps on the bed.

[touchingcloth]

Because your lamp switch is connected to him and it gives him an electrical shock? Why are you like this?

[Malcy]

the doors open to admit the presenter, dog in tow and dark sunglasses donned. They pantomimed a precarious, cautious gait to the reception, gave their name and said "...and I also have my dog with me, for I am blind."

The receptionist said "...but I've seen you on the telly, so I know you're not blind."

I hope they let them in based on that 10/10 effort. I would have.

[touchingcloth]

I hope they let them in based on that 10/10 effort. I would have.

If you knew the person, you'd know they never make a 10/10 effort for anything. I can well imagine how half-arsed and unconvincing the blind act would be, even if they weren't someone from the telly.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Daughter popped out a spawn the other day so we have her dog for a few weeks. As soon as I turn the lamp off he jumps on the bed.

Hey, Gramps!

[Dr Sanchez]

If you knew the person, you'd know they never make a 10/10 effort for anything. I can well imagine how half-arsed and unconvincing the blind act would be, even if they weren't someone from the telly.

Sounds like something Graham Norton would do.

[Twit 2]

At an otter sanctuary the other day, the otter keeper told us that Asian short-clawed otters, who are more sociable and live in larger groups than our own lutra lutra, will catch food for an injured otter in their group. One otter in their care had a 'fucked leg' for a spell and its companions duly obliged, giving it first dibs on the crayfish, chucked from a builder's bucket, which would land in their muddy pen at the hours of 12 and 3. The otter's bone healed in accordance with mother nature's scheme, but to this day the conniving, furry git still feigns a fucked forepaw to get an easy fix. There were titters in the crowd, bemused mutterings, the odd admiring comment along the lines of WHAT ARE THEY LIKE but I left that day with a dim view of otters, who probably voted for Brexit and deny climate change from the relative safety of their holts.

[Bazooka]

A bloke in Greece tried to force a wrist band/friendship bracelet onto my 'Watch arm(guessing to slight of hand take it)', his dupe was "hey its Jamaica night tonight on the strip, do you like reggae?" Foremost I knew his game instantly and didnt let him attach his friendship bracelet, secondly I'm in Greece, and have no time for reggae.