Worst gigs thread about your worst gigs in a thread

[alan nagsworth]

In response to chatting about how shite Madlib is as a DJ in the hip hop gigs thread:

About five years back, I got wind of some secret Madlib gig at Dance Tunnel. Me and my pal had nowt else to do so we ventured down, and found the queue about 200-300 people strong. Since we were there anyway, we got in line and waited to see how slowly it moved. About five minutes later, a guy walks past who my mate happens to know, so he calls him over. Turns out he's working the event. We cheekily ask if he can get us in past the shit munchers. He says he'll have a check, and walks off. Aye alright well that's probably the last we'll hear of him and we're not gonna get in because this queue isn't moving and oh hey would you look at that we're in. The blag worked.

So we get in there and someone who I later discovered to be Paul White was playing a set. That's the one good thing about the whole night, that Paul White rocked my mind and I subsequently fell in love with The Strange Dreams of Paul White, and Paul White and The Purple Brain, two of the best psychedelic instrumental hip hop albums I've ever heard. Man, this is gonna be a great night!

And then obviously Madlib gets on and is just complete piddle. So many fucking rewinds, such utterly banal songs from the Beat Konducta himself, what is going on? And who in fuck is MCing over this crap, yelling "LONDON! YES YES Y'ALL! PARIS! YES YES Y'ALL! NEW YORK! YES YES Y'ALL!" over and over? We're way back in the crowd, and can't see him, until another chap with a microphone says "MAKE SOME NOISE FOR MOS DEF!"

Mate that's seriously Yasiin Bey Mos Def up there, talking that complete garbage? You bet it is. And guess who takes the stage next? "YO WE GOTTA EXTRA SPECIAL GUEST TO ANNOUNCE FOR Y'ALL RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTER FUCKIN RAISE THE ROOF FOR MF DOOM!" WHAT????!?!?!!

Was MF DOOM shit, you ask?

Does the Tin Man have a sheet metal cock?

On paper, three names like that in a 220 capacity venue, let alone for free and directly ahead of a queue of people who would overfill the venue if they got in, just sounds like a dream come true for any hip hop fan. And yet it's those three names who performed with nothing but wet, runny shite.

[Dr Sanchez]

I went to a music festival in Ireland around 2005. Pretty much a big rock crowd. Muse, Foo Fighters, The Darkness kind of acts.  The promoter thought it'd be a good idea to book The Cure to headline the main stage one night.

The Kings Of Leon finished their set and pretty much 3/4 of the crowd left. It began raining and then The Cure walked on stage to this muted wet audience and didn't once try to raise their spirits. Then more people left and it just became really eerie and surreal but mostly shit. I don't think they even played a hit. We could hear the roars of the crowd having fun from another stage over the band so we just buggered off. At that stage there couldn't have been more than a thousand people in this huge field meant for 50,000

[Jockice]

Killing Joke have the proud accolade of being one of my top ten gigs of all time. And probably the worst. The first time I saw them was at the Leadmill in Sheffield. It was brilliant. One of the few gigs I've been to where there's been such an atmosphere that moisture was dripping off the ceiling. They had to open the front of the building so people could breathe. So when they played at a different venue (the University's Octagon centre) a couple of years later I made sure I got tickets. They came on and played for about 20 minutes in a halfhearted manner and walked off without saying a word. I'm surprised there wasn't a riot. I did hear later that a couple of them had gone down with food poisoning, but you know, they could have told us...

The Octagon is the venue for one of the worst nights of my life as well, the time I got stood up in the pouring rain at a concert by The Cult that I'd only got tickets for because this particular girl wanted to see them. There wasn't any great romantic intention there either. I'd known her for a couple of years, thought she was a really nice lass and if anything happened between us all well and good and if it didn't it was no skin off my nose either. Instead I spent most of the night sitting on my own in the bar thinking: ''I'm so repulsive that she'd rather miss seeing one of her favourite bands in concert than be seen in public with me.''

I've been stood up/blown out on quite a few occasions since (and indeed before) then but for some reason that's the one that really hurt. So yeah, The Cult. Worst fucking concert of all time.

[Sebastian Cobb]

In response to chatting about how shite Madlib is as a DJ in the hip hop gigs thread:

About five years back, I got wind of some secret Madlib gig at Dance Tunnel. Me and my pal had nowt else to do so we ventured down, and found the queue about 200-300 people strong. Since we were there anyway, we got in line and waited to see how slowly it moved. About five minutes later, a guy walks past who my mate happens to know, so he calls him over. Turns out he's working the event. We cheekily ask if he can get us in past the shit munchers. He says he'll have a check, and walks off. Aye alright well that's probably the last we'll hear of him and we're not gonna get in because this queue isn't moving and oh hey would you look at that we're in. The blag worked.

So we get in there and someone who I later discovered to be Paul White was playing a set. That's the one good thing about the whole night, that Paul White rocked my mind and I subsequently fell in love with The Strange Dreams of Paul White, and Paul White and The Purple Brain, two of the best psychedelic instrumental hip hop albums I've ever heard. Man, this is gonna be a great night!

And then obviously Madlib gets on and is just complete piddle. So many fucking rewinds, such utterly banal songs from the Beat Konducta himself, what is going on? And who in fuck is MCing over this crap, yelling "LONDON! YES YES Y'ALL! PARIS! YES YES Y'ALL! NEW YORK! YES YES Y'ALL!" over and over? We're way back in the crowd, and can't see him, until another chap with a microphone says "MAKE SOME NOISE FOR MOS DEF!"

Mate that's seriously Yasiin Bey Mos Def up there, talking that complete garbage? You bet it is. And guess who takes the stage next? "YO WE GOTTA EXTRA SPECIAL GUEST TO ANNOUNCE FOR Y'ALL RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTER FUCKIN RAISE THE ROOF FOR MF DOOM!" WHAT????!?!?!!

Was MF DOOM shit, you ask?

Does the Tin Man have a sheet metal cock?

On paper, three names like that in a 220 capacity venue, let alone for free and directly ahead of a queue of people who would overfill the venue if they got in, just sounds like a dream come true for any hip hop fan. And yet it's those three names who performed with nothing but wet, runny shite.

Jazzy Jeff is probably one of the best sets I've ever been to ever. Would recommend.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Haha, I saw BDB at a festival in 2005 and he was exactly the same, a constant beige assault on the senses of "I'm dead cool, me". Dickhead.

God knows what's going through his head, I was a vague fan beforehand but haven't listened to anything from him since.

Another shit one for me was when Princess Superstar supported Pulp at Brixton, in about 2001 I think, the sound was shit, the band terrible, and she kept fucking up. At the end she flashed her breasts in the hope that people might cheer, and it's the only time I've seen a woman half naked and shook my head in dismay.

[Dr Syntax Head]

I missed half a Dandy Warhols gig at Brixton academy once (13 tales era when they were good) and the first half was incredible they only played audience requests so we had lots of DW are ok and come down songs but I smoked too much and proper had a whitey and spent the second half in the lobby trying to find the ground. I wasn't the only one another casualty of excess and I bonded over our existential dread. Got home to Portsmouth on a train drinking beer out of cans with a homeless guy trying to get to penzance. I still regret missing that second half of the set because I really loved the Dandy Warhols back then.

[Sin Agog]

Did that once at a Raekwon gig.  Loved the support, bum-rushed the stage to (in my ears) universal applause, good friends all excited, but the second he came onstage this bottle of Turkish spirits infused with skunk donkey-kicked in, and I had to wander slozzered and groggy onto the beach to sleep it off for ten hours.

[Pauline Walnuts]

God knows what's going through his head, I was a vague fan beforehand but haven't listened to anything from him since.

Another shit one for me was when Princess Superstar supported Pulp at Brixton, in about 2001 I think, the sound was shit, the band terrible, and she kept fucking up. At the end she flashed her breasts in the hope that people might cheer, and it's the only time I've seen a woman half naked and shook my head in dismay.

One of the few support acts I've seen booed rather than polite disinterest was Minty supporting Pulp. I thought they were alright, but maybe Pulp fans are just closed minded?

:semi-trolling:

[Dr Sanchez]

I saw Electric Six at the peak of their fame around 2004. The venue held about 800 people and there was about 200 people there.

The lead singer walked on stage and sarcastically said "" woah, it's a sold out show tonight"

The performance was alright but for some reason the crowd were properly moshing and getting physical. Which didn't suit the music at all. The lead singer kept saying things like "it's okay, I hate my parents too" and "I love you guys, you're so cool" he seemed to really resent the audience.

The atmosphere was just so fucking odd.

[MidnightShambler]

Cathedral in Birmingham about ten years ago. The doom metal band who were allegedly regarded as one of the principal names of the genre (though I've never looked into this and I never will). Their opening song was so unbelievably bad - I'm honestly, without hyperbole, telling you it was like the lilting folky bits of Spinal Tap's "Stonehenge" - that me and my friends left before it had even finished.

Outside we took shelter from the hammering rain to roll a joint in a doorway near the venue and people were coming out in droves. Four or five people pelted past with their coats held over their heads screaming "FUCK CATHEDRAL!". It was cute.

Haha, I saw BDB at a festival in 2005 and he was exactly the same, a constant beige assault on the senses of "I'm dead cool, me". Dickhead.

One of the lads from Cathedral used to drink in my local, he was shagging the landlady. Ian his name was, don't know what he did in the band cos I'm not a fan but he's a taxi driver too. Took me on a wait and return to the 24hr garage once, seemed nice enough.

Nice Cathedral story there, happy with that.

[MidnightShambler]

Ray Davies, Liverpool Philarmonic about ten years ago (not gonna check cos I have a feeling it was much longer ago and it'll make me worrry about what I'm doing with my life). He'd recently been shot so it was a bit of a bonus to even see him or so I thought. He had a new album out and played nothing, at all, that anybody in the crowd knew until he closed the first half with a fucking polka/jazz/shite version of Dead End Street. That, coupled with his shit, outdated bonhomie made me and my mate leave. We weren't the only ones, the place was almost half empty after 40 or so minutes. The Philarmonic pub over the road was packed with people lamenting how shite it was, while the gig was still going on.

Now, I know he's got a solo career and wants to still be treated as relevant musically but at a certain stage you've got to accept that people are there predominately to hear your old songs, not the entirety of a new album that has only been out a few weeks. So play a few, you wrote them and they're magnificent. Give the people what they want. Also, his voice had completely gone, to compound it. 30 fucking quid as well.

[Icehaven]

Some godawful Libertines wannabes called Cherubs in about 2005 or thereabouts. Tiny venue, still mostly empty, we were only there because we'd just fancied going to a gig. They looked miserable as sin, think they managed about 4 or 5 songs before the singer (who seemed off his face) stumbled off the stage, one of the others said they'd be right back, they all left and after about 10-20 minutes the lights came up and that was that. Never heard of them again.

[Avril Lavigne]

I saw Electric Six at the peak of their fame around 2004. The venue held about 800 people and there was about 200 people there.

The lead singer walked on stage and sarcastically said "" woah, it's a sold out show tonight"

The performance was alright but for some reason the crowd were properly moshing and getting physical. Which didn't suit the music at all. The lead singer kept saying things like "it's okay, I hate my parents too" and "I love you guys, you're so cool" he seemed to really resent the audience.

The atmosphere was just so fucking odd.

He's a good friend of mine and yeah, that's really not the vibe he or the band want in an audience. Luckily since those days the fanbase has solidified and if you go to see them now the crowd is mostly made up of big fans who own all 18 of their albums rather than folks who just want to get wasted and hear Gay Bar, and the atmosphere is really positive. That said, Dick is constantly sarcastic in shows either way as it's a major part of his stage persona.

[Captain Crunch]

Mentioned before but for one of the New Model Army Christmas shows I managed to fall off my shoes on the way there, get punched in the gig and clawed by a dog on the way home.  Grim. 

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Mentioned before but for one of the New Model Army Christmas shows I managed to fall off my shoes on the way there

Platform shoes in the early 70s?

[jobotic]

I remember seeing Bitch Magnet, buying a t-shirt beforehand and then getting a backwards nut off some bloke in the moshpit causing my nose to bleed profusely all over said t-shirt.

I thought it was pretty cool then but if it happened now at my age I'd be quite miffed.

[Captain Crunch]

Platform shoes in the early 70s?

No, fake Buffalos.  Painful. 

[Petey Pate]

Not sure if this counts, but when I was in Barcelona I was wandering about one night seeing if there was any live music anywhere and so ended up in a jazz club. There was no jazz but a three piece group playing godawful reggae versions of Dire Straits songs.

[holyzombiejesus]

Ooh, just thought of one. I had a friend and had fallen in love with her. Blah blah blah I told her and she cried and intimated she felt the same. We met and got pissed and agreed to go away and have a think. I was pissed and had to go and meet friends at a Tindersticks gig. When I ran across the road to the venue, a car screeched to a halt next to me, I slapped the roof with my hand and dashed off to meet friends. Went in to venue and cigarette machine nicked my money. Started bashing the machine to get money back out and got thrown out by the bouncers, one of whom said something about me hitting his car. Kept trying to get in and kept getting chucked out again. Gave abuse to bouncers, one of whom (same one that had the car) had to be held back from punching me. Didn't see any of  Tindersticks and made a complete utter arsehole of myself. Next day sobered up enough to drag myself to Night & Day where my beloved Dean Wareham was doing a secret low key gig. Queuing up, I thought 'that bouncer looks familiar'...

[Jockice]

Most boring live band ever award winners. Gomez. I saw them twice, the first time before they had released anything and thought they were shit. They had connections with a local record shop and people from there were raving about them afterwards. I nodded politely.

A couple of years later they had got big (I didn't mind their debut album) and played Sheffield City Hall. I was in my early 30s but the place was packed with early 20s student types (including my next door neighbours' at the time, who I'd got freebie tickets for).

I have rarely been so bored in my life. I sort of drifted off into a stupor. At one point their manager, Steve Fellows of The Comsat Angels, came on and did a song with them - and I didn't even notice. Steve hates me anyway but I didn't ignore him on purpose. At that stage they could have brought Elvis Presley on to do a song with them and it would have passed me by.

[kngen]

The Stone Roses' 'legendary' Glasgow Green gig, 1990.

Totally unprepared, none of us had bought any alcohol or drugs for this (the former because there was still a ban on it being sold on Sundays in Scotland at the time, something which extended to the event. No booze to be had at all).  Stood near the front for an age listening to Hacienda DJs play house music hits that I hated, then, when Mani came out of the wings, arms spread out to the crowd, the audience surged towards the front, and I was carried off my feet for about 20 feet and landed on top of as many people as had landed on me (a lot!). Bodies were being passed over the barrier before they even played a note, and the crowd was roiling from left to right like this for the entirety of the first song: security shoving people back into the melee to stop the sides of the tent from being taken out. How no one was seriously injured, I have no idea.

So the choice was: watch from the front and feel like you could die at any second, or watch from a safe distance at the back, and enjoy a sound mix akin to that of a industrial washing machine. And all of that sober. I don't think I've had such high hopes dashed so profoundly as I did that day.

[alan nagsworth]

I remember seeing Bitch Magnet, buying a t-shirt beforehand and then getting a backwards nut off some bloke in the moshpit causing my nose to bleed profusely all over said t-shirt.

I thought it was pretty cool then but if it happened now at my age I'd be quite miffed.

That's what you get for wearing a shirt of the band you're there to see. As Adam & Joe once said: "image suicide".

[Noodle Lizard]

Probably the several I've been to which have been cancelled or cut short:

Dead Cross - waited for around 90 minutes before Dave Lombardo and one of the others came out to announce they wouldn't be playing as Mike Patton had fallen off his skateboard.

Cradle of Filth - headlining Bloodstock, got cut short about halfway through because someone slingshotted a giant gobstopper into the guitarist's lower back, causing him to hobble off stage, followed shortly by the others.

Morrissey - in Liverpool, he opened with This Charming Man and then got a cup of water thrown at his head.  "Goodnight", walked off, never came back.  Got a full refund, mind.  Alleviated by the fact that on the commute home, seemingly everyone in Liverpool had already heard about it and were loudly taking the piss.  This lasted about a week.

[alan nagsworth]

^ Excellent. I remember reading about that Dead Cross incident. That excuse is about as weak and lame as their actual music.

[non capisco]

I bet the crowd were....dead cross!

[Blinder Data]

I bet the crowd were....dead cross!

No the name of the band was dead cross. Keep up mate

[alan nagsworth]

I bet the crowd were....dead cross!

Don't think Americans use the word "dead" as an adverb mate. Try to stay on topic.

[idunnosomename]

I bet the crowd were....dead cross!

came all the way from the guffaw thread to post this. Get everything i deserve, I do