Aquarium experiences

[pancreas]

Basically just wanted to eat everything. What about you?

[Sebastian Cobb]

I've always been a fan of them Neon Tetra fish.



Although I think I have my reservations about keeping fish in tanks. It's like a less-bad version of keeping birds in cages.

[pancreas]

They mostly seemed to be having a reasonable time of it, tbf. It's a bit difficult to tell because a) they don't generally go in for facial expression; b) you're more concerned about how you're going to break into the tanks in order to eat them.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Just remembered I know a lady whose ex-husband used to keep goldfish in his bidet. He used to just put them in there when he cleaned the tank but after they split up he got lazy and left them in there. That's a bit of a desolate experience even for a fish innit? Your only interaction with other creatures is watching them defecate.

[Buelligan]

I used to clean this guy's house.  Upstairs he had matching grey furniture, pretty scatter cushions, pictures of the Buddha and two or three large tanks, vibrant with plants and filled with clouds of butterfly-like brightly coloured tiny fish.

The cellar was as big as the rest of the house.  Hot and dark with a terrible tropical-rot smell.  It was filled with van-sized tanks, about six or eight of them, each one housed enormous, really fucking enormous, eelish things with massive teeth and tiny eyes.  He fed them live goldfish.

This knowledge changed my thoughts about this man and I was glad to end my employment there.

[Glebe]

[Twed]

I have an emotional breakdown every time I go to one, which is approximately once every ten years. I've been to all the big ones. Never planned to, it just happened. First breakdown was when I was 15, and the aquarium visit was in lieu of doing GCSE coursework. My mother was there and also had a breakdown. The good kind, where you realise everything is shit and that it doesn't really matter because there is a kind of fish that looks exactly like some sticks, and somehow it lives with a shark and can move.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I've only been to the Sealife centre once. It must've been nearly 20 years ago. The most standout thing is they showed you a 3d video with 3d goggles. But being 20 years ago they were these gopping great things with two CRT screens buried in them, like the helmet Max puts on in Videodrome.

Didn't get head cancer or a slot to put videotapes into my belly though.

[king_tubby]

C'mon pancreas, what sort of aquarium are you on about here? The awesome kind, like THE DEEP at Hull, or a goldfish in a bowl like yer nan had, or some hi-tech bollocks with glow in the dark fish like a paedo would have to lure in kids?

[Prison Biscuits]

I love taking my kids to the aquarium. It's better than a zoo, because you can just let them run off into the dark and not worry about them finding the exits. It's wonderful how the children respond to different aquatic creatures: Thierry likes sting rays - any ray, really - but especially sting rays, although he gets bored quickly when he realises that he won't get to see anyone get stung, and is usually the first child to find a way out into the daylight; Sienna and Pasha, the twins, have always shown a bias for mammals and will get very animated if there are otters or seals on offer; Nostrum is a shark enthusiast - he'll talk for hours about sharks - they don't have skeletons, for example, and they can't get cancer. Our youngest, Eartha, can't talk yet, but I'm sure when she begins to vocalise she'll join her siblings in their screaming adventures, and she didn't seem to mind being in the starfish pool. Personally, I like an octopus, because they look like extremely calm dads, but really they are very intelligent and can kill a man with one zap of their electric feelers.

[Buelligan]

Nostrum's a shit name, no offence.

[Prison Biscuits]

Well I take offence. Nostrum is a strong name, a name to inspire marching and clashing of cymbals.

[Buelligan]

Clashing of pillocks more like.

[pancreas]

there is a kind of fish that looks exactly like some sticks, and somehow it lives with a shark and can move.

There was one that looks exactly like some seaweed. I wanted to grab it and chuck it straight in the deep fryer.

[Twed]

Oh fuck! I just realised! Don't go to the New England Aquarium! It's shit!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

. I've been to all the big ones.

Check out Big Man On Campus here with his enormous aquarium coverage

[easytarget]

any ray, really

all the rays


plain



all the rays.

[biggytitbo]

I saw a fish in an aquarium once.

[Cuellar]

Some of the worst things in existence, aquariums.

"Want to go that aquarium?"
"No, of course I don't."

[madhair60]

I have an emotional breakdown every time I go to one, which is approximately once every ten years. I've been to all the big ones. Never planned to, it just happened. First breakdown was when I was 15, and the aquarium visit was in lieu of doing GCSE coursework. My mother was there and also had a breakdown. The good kind, where you realise everything is shit and that it doesn't really matter because there is a kind of fish that looks exactly like some sticks, and somehow it lives with a shark and can move.

Sorry, but this is the most pathetic thing I've ever read. Its some fish.

[Prison Biscuits]

I've just remembered the best one: it advertised mermaids. I had to take the twins obviously. The mermaids were Russian girls (we know because the guide said) who could hold their breath a lot and swim with their legs bound into tails whilst some really shit boring classical music played in the viewing hall. It was pretty good, but what made it even better was the sudden appearance of hammerhead sharks, goblin sharks and other fish, all swimming around in captive harmony. We sat on the floor and ate crisps and marvelled at it all until someone's kid shit themselves and we had to evacuate the room.

[madhair60]

I found a mermaid once and took it home and stuck it in the bath. It got sick and tons of festering sores and boils sprung up all over its body so I used the pus to do a shit painting then killed and dismembered her.

Not really police. It's a film. It's Guinea Pig Mermaid in the Manhole.

[Prison Biscuits]

I saw that baby and its parents later. I don't think you should be able to stay in an aquarium if you've shat in it, even if you are a baby. I never let my kids shit in an aquarium. It really ruins the magic.

[Icehaven]

I've been to the Birmingham Sealife Centre 3 or 4 times and despite there being a huge otter enclosure there's never any visible otters. Never clapped eyes on one. Are they nocturnal? If so what's the fucking point in giving over a big chunk of a fish museum to something that's going to be in bed during opening hours? And isn't even a fish?

[flotemysost]

L'Oceanogràfic in Valencia is good, and the building it's in is pretty cool, but I think my favourite bit was watching a teacher attempting to keep the attention of about 30 ten-year-old kids as two massive walruses started shagging in aquatic slow motion behind her. One of them kept dramatically flinging its head back like it was in a porno (the walrus, not a child), it was hilarious.

[touchingcloth]

I can't think about eating when I'm in an aquarium as the fish make me far too horny. Imagine bumming a pike, or getting gilled off by a ray.

[Twed]

Sorry, but this is the most pathetic thing I've ever read. Its some fish.

Be sad at some fish or mistakenly believe that "being really blunt online" is a shtick with any merit for at least a whole decade

I'm fine with my fish, thanks

[alan nagsworth]

Don't bother going to aquariums, just go in the sea instead. It's surprisingly realistic, almost like a real fish house, like the ones in Spongebob. Not like aquariums. Ever noticed how there's barely any microplastics or drug trafficking or singing Rastafarian crabs in aquariums? Yeah, you're welcome.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Yeah but there's also giant isopods. Fuck that noise.

[MidnightShambler]

There's an absolutely massive one in Dubai Mall, takes up most of the ground floor. Holds about 10 million litres I think. Me and my missus were having a meal in the Rainforest Cafe while watching Tiger Sharks swim past, people scuba diving and all that, it's quite weird but soothing at the same time.

It's a thumbs up from me.