Countdown - Introduction Scripts_2019.docx

[the]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - and did you know that today is International Salmon Fishing Week? Last year 3.32 million tons of salmon was sold worldwide. Rachel, do you eat much salmon?

RACHEL:  Not that much, no, Nick. It's not my favourite fish by any stretch.

NICK:  Oh, I love the stuff. And onto today's contestants-

[the]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - today is National Garage Week. It's estimated that 40% of homes in the UK have access to a garage. Rachel, have you got a garage?

RACHEL:  No I haven't Nick. Even if I did it would probably just end up full of junk.

NICK:  Superb. Well, onto today's contestants-

[pancreas]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - in America today it's Labor day ...

RACHEL: Don't you even fucking mention that horde of Nazis masquerading as a political party. Jeremy Corbyn regularly uses a time-machine to go back to the 1940s to gas my ancestors.

NICK:  Excellent. Well, onto today's contestants-

[Gregory Torso]

NICK: Welcome to the Countdown studio. Today is the first year of the Lunar Calendar, so for many Chinese across the globe they will celebrating the start of a new year, even though it is February for us. That must get quite confusing for some. What do you think, Rachel?

RACHEL shrugs.

NICK: Indeed. Now let's meet our contestants.

[the]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - today is National Sandcastle Week. Ever gone to the beach and made a sandcastle Rachel?

RACHEL:  Yes, I remember once we made a really big one. It fell down when the tide came in though.

NICK:  Marvellous stuff. Which brings us to our contestants for today-

[pancreas]

NICK: Welcome to the Countdown Studio. You know, I couldn't get my Yorkshire puddings to rise for Sunday Lunch. Have you ever been really useless at anything Rachel?

RACHEL: Yes, I am something of an idiot savant.

NICK: Which brings us neatly on to our dyslexic contestants.

[Bazooka]

NICK: Welcome to countdown, Rachel, scientists say they have cracked the genetic code for eczema, do you suffer from it?

RACHEL: I suffered from it actuality during my teens, absolutely red raw.

NICK: Cracking stuff, now let's meet the contestants.

[rasta-spouse]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - did you know Ayers' Rock is now called Uluru? Rachel, can you think of any potential re-namings?

RACHEL: Yes, the Stereophonics' Local Cunt in Photograph.

NICK: Well, that brings us to our contestants, and I certainly hope none of them are cunts.

[Hey, Punk!]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - it's the anniversary of the death of William Shakespeare, he wrote some cracking plays didn't he Rachel?

RACHEL:  We did Macbeth in school, I don't really remember it that well.

NICK:  Splendid. Let's meet today's contestants-

[Spoon of Ploff]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown - did you know Countdown was the very first programme shown on Channel Four? I bet some people got confused and thought it was an actual countdown to the start of real shows. You weren't one of those people were you Rachel?

RACHEL: I - no Nick.

NICK: It's good to know you weren't fooled as I expect neither of our todays contestants were...

[Neville Chamberlain]

NICK: Welcome to the Countdown studio! Today is National Haemorrhoid Awareness Day. Rachel, do you suffer from haemorrhoids?

RACHEL: Well, yes, actually, I do. <Rachel lifts up her skirt and pulls down her pants, then bends over towards the camera to reveal her anus.> As you can see, it's a bit of a mess down there, not least because my terrible piles make it hard for me to wipe my bottom properly after a poo, as you can see by the faecal residue on and around my anus.

NICK: That's terrific, Rachel! Now let's meet our contestants...oh, hang on - Susie Dent, do you suffer from haemorrhoids?

SUSIE: No.

NICK: Nope, neither do I. OK, let's meet our contestants...

[pancreas]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown and cards on the table, Rachel ... who would you rather fuck: me or Richard Whiteley?

RACHEL: I'm sorry, Nick, but I don't want to fuck a corpse ... or Richard Whiteley.

NICK: Glad to hear it. Now, what about our contestants?

[Huxleys Babkins]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown and it's national divorce day, of all things. Rachel, you divorced your husband for that dancer off Strictly who looks like a Polish joiner didn't you?

RACHEL: That I did, Nick. That I did. He's not a Polish joiner, by the way.

NICK: That doesn't stop him from doing your back doors though, does it? And speaking of ruined arseholes, here's today's contestants.

[Gregory Torso]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown, and it might interest you to know that today is Albert Einstein's 140th birthday. I'd imagine that old Albert would be rather good at Countdown, wouldn't you say, Rachel?

RACHEL: I don't know about that, but I do know that "eureka" piss, Nick.

NICK: Superb. Now let's go over to our contestants.

[Glebe]

RACHEL RILEY: Afternoon Nick, how's Lord Sugar?

JIMMY CARR: Nah it's the Cats version, *annoying laugh, empty, soulless*

[pancreas]

NICK: It's Countdown and I hear that you kidnapped a toddler from outside a supermarket, Rachel?

RACHEL: Yes, and not for the first time you could say I was left ... [chuckles] ... HOLDING THE BABY.

NICK: Thanks for the confession, Rachel. Fortunately our two contestants today are undercover police officers.

[the]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - and today marks National SatNav Awareness Week. And now, thanks to smartphones, they're everywhere it seems. Nobody uses maps anymore, do they Rachel?

RACHEL:  Well, why use a map when you've got SatNav, Nick? And the SatNav has a map on it anyway.

NICK:  Yah, true enough.

RACHEL:  A friend of mine's got a SatNav that has the voice of Brain Blessed.

NICK:  Ha ha ha! Brian Blessed, marvellous! Wonderful. Well, turning for a moment to our contestants-

[Glebe]

HEWER: Afternoon Rachel, how's life-

CONTESTANT: I'll have a pee, please, Bob!

HEWER: Mate, if you do that agaín you're off the show. Right, Take #34...

[Huxleys Babkins]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown. Today is former host and friend of the show, Des O'Connor's 88th birthday. Rachel, you spent two years on the show with him, do you have any funny stories?

RACHEL: No.

NICK: Wonderful! And now onto the contestants.

[Chollis]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown! Some of our more observant viewers will have realised I'm not wearing any undies. Rachel, are you wearing any unders?

RACHEL: Fuck off cunt.

NICK: Fantastic. Now, our contestants for today-

[Glebe]

HEWER: Hi Rach please put up letters spelling 'WANKERS' so we can become a YouTube sensation.

[the]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - today marks 45 years since the invention of the bin. I take it you've put stuff in the bin before, Rachel?

RACHEL:  ... Have I ever put anything in the bin?

NICK:  Yes.

RACHEL:  ... Yes Nick, I have put things in the bin.

NICK:  Quite right too. Well, it seems we could have an octochamp in our midst-

[pancreas]

NICK: Hello and welcome to Countdown. Rachel, what is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter?

RACHEL: Er ... pi?

NICK: Coming up! [He runs up and hits her with a pie.]

RACHEL: Oh my god! It stings! What the fuck is in this?!

NICK: Shaving cream and hydrochloric acid. And now let's meet our contestants.

[Glebe]

NICK: Good afternoon Rachel, and how are y-

RILEY: FUCK OFF I'M HAVING A BLOBSTROP!

[rasta-spouse]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown. Today I've got pussy scents on my mind. Rachel, do you think you could recreate yours from this table of ingredients?

RACHEL: Yes, the demi-glace, five cloves and a handful of cardamom pods, yuzu, a sprinkle of cumin and brewers yeast... anchovy paste, and a durian fruit.

NICK: Great, well I know what my wife will be dabbing my pocket squares in for the next fortnight! Now let's meet the contestants...

[Gregory Torso]

NICK: Hello and welcome to another edition of Countdown, and please do remember that today is National Testicular Cancer Awareness Day, and it is very important that you check yourself for any lumps. Right, Rachel?

RACHEL: Oh absolutely, and especially if you -

NICK: Fantastic. Now, speaking of a pair of lumpen bollocks that ought to be removed...

[Cuellar]

NICK: Hello....Countdown...I

RACHEL:...

NICK:...I COUNTDOWN YES

RACHEL: ...

NICK: YES HELLO

RACHEL:...

NICKE: IS

RACEL: ...hello?

NIKE: IS CAN

INCEL: ...END

[pancreas]

NICK: How lovely to see you all again watching Countdown. Rachel, do you know what I can't stand?

RACHEL: All the single use plastic clogging up our rivers and oceans?

NICK: No, I don't give a shit about that. I can't stand any of you lot, that's what. Not you, Rachel, with your prim little Victorian governess routine; not the fucking cunts in dictionary corner with their eye-rollingly soporific anecdotes about when literally-fucking-nothing happened to them, or 'let's be bored to cancer about some delightfully oddball words' with Suzie Fucking Cunt over there; and CERTAINLY not these two witless shits we have to tolerate today whom I'd rather spit on than look at while they stink out the joint choosing nine fucking letters. Over and over and over and over.

[Hey, Punk!]

JIMMY CARR: SEX!

SUSIE DENT: *blushes*

[Glebe]

RILEY: I'm good at the maths and that. How are you?

HEWER: #capitalismisgreat