Countdown - Introduction Scripts_2019.docx

[PlanktonSideburns]

Solid gold this thread. Cheered me right up. Thanks all

[Glebe]

HEWER: You fucking cow.

RILEY: We've started filming, Nick.

[DrGreggles]

NICK:  Welcome to another Countdown - today on International Fruit Awareness Day. Rachel, do you eat much fruit, you skanky vapid maths whore?

RACHEL:  Not really, Nick. I used to buy a lot of pears, but they'd always go off and end up looking like the skidmarks in your nappy, you old cunt.

NICK:  Lovely stuff. And, while we're on the subject of a pear of rancid shitstains, let's meet today's contestants...

[Glebe]

HEWER: Rachel, how are you today?

RILEY: Look, just fuck off, Hewer, okay? I'm not in the mood.

[the]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - and can you believe that it's been 15 years, 4 months and 18 days since Westlife's wonderful version of the Barry Manilow classic Mandy was voted Record Of The Year by ITV viewers. Rachel, can you remember that?

RACHEL:  I don't quite remember that Nick, although I liked Westlife, but I wasn't that into them.

NICK:  Hearty stuff indeed. As we turn to our challenger today-

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

NICK: Welcome Gammons. It are A Countdown. On A Countdown Today, Rachel Rikey and in dictionary corner with Susie Dent, Ian Wright

Wright: It's Riley mate

NICK: What did I say

Wright: Rikey

NICK: Did I?

Riley: Yes

NICK: Fucking correct me will you, dark black man of the night?! No Rikey...

AUDIENCE: No Wrighty!

*Pulls lever for Gunk Dunk*
*Applause and shrieks*

[Chollis]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown. Rachel! Guess what?

RACHEL: What?

NICK: This is you - *MIMES 'HONKING OF ERRANDS'*

RACHEL: Hm?

NICK: It's this, pal.  You're this: *MIMES 'HONKING OF ERRANDS'*

RACHEL: What?

NICK: And I'm like this :*MIMES 'OVERWHELMED BY HONK OF ERRANDS'*

Rachel walks off set

NICK. Brilliant. Now, our contestants for today-

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

^ i laughed

[Glebe]

HEWER: Good morning, Rachel. Now let's get on with the task in hand in a boring and businesslike fashion.

RACH: It's the afternoon, y'great twat.

HEWER: Sorry. Won't happen again. Can I get you anything before we continue filming? Tea? Coffee?

RACH: Just get on and introduce the cunting contestants, roll camera.

[the]

NICK:  Welcome to the Countdown studio - it was on this day over 390 million years ago that the first tetrapods evolved from fish, eventually leading to their colonisation of the land. Rachel, any fond memories of that?

RACHEL:  Oh it was a bit before my time, Nick.

NICK:  Magnificent. And battling it out today, we have-

[Glebe]

SUSIE DENT: Myself and Richard Stilgoe have come up with a 9-letter word: Orgasmic.

CARR: HOOT HOOT HOOT!

JON RICHARDSON: Eh, calm down, pal!

[DrGreggles]

SUSIE DENT: Myself and Richard Stilgoe have come up with a 9-letter word: Orgasmic.

CARR: HOOT HOOT HOOT!

JON RICHARDSON: Eh, calm down, pal!

LOCK: That's 8 letters, you stupid cow.

KUMAR: I'm a brown person.

MILLICAN: I like chocolate, pet.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

NICK: Welcome to today's edition of "Countdown"; and today marks the 48th anniversary of Peter Wyngarde's recording of the classic song "Rape". Have *you* ever been raped , Rachel?

RACHEL: That's a massively inappropriate question to ask on this sedate, afternoon programme, you fucking tool.

NICK: By the great architect! You are right!

RACHEL: Quick, ask me another question, a much tamer one, take the curse off things a bit.

NICK: Right...erm...So, do you think you'll ever get the Creepers back together, or work with Mark Radcliffe again?

RACHEL: That was *Marc* Riley, you useless cunt.

NICK: Fantastic. So, to today's contestants...

[Bazooka]

NICK: Afternoon viewers welcome to Countdown. Hello  Rachel, have you ever put sultanas in a curry?

RACHEL: I don't cook, just eat Asda cheese and onion slices three times a day.

NICK: Staring at your body, I would be none the wiser, let's meet the contestants.

[Chollis]

NICK: Welcome to the Countdown studio. Rachel, did you know that the dot on top of the letter 'i' and 'j' is known as a tittle?

RACHEL: Cretin.

NICK. Excellent stuff. Now, our first challenger today-

[Pingers]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown! This week is National Camping Week. Ghastly activity. Do you go camping with your fella, Rachel?

RACHEL: Is this going to be about flaps and pegging again?

NICK: I.. ah... no, something entirely different.

RACHEL: What, then?

NICK: Right, let's meet today's contestants.

[Chollis]

NICK: Welcome to the Countdown studio. Today is, of course, National Job Interview Day. In a twist on the traditional interview question, I'll start by asking you Rachel Riley, to describe me Nick Hewer in just three words.

RACHEL: Sex Offender's Register

NICK: Let's meet today's contestants.

[Huxleys Babkins]

NICK: Good afternoon and welcome to another edition of Countdown. Did you know it's been 35 years since... Nah. Fuck this. Not today. Right, I've been in this job for seven fucking years now. That's as long as the last three fuckers put together. Nick deserves a fucking treat for that, doesn't he? I'm putting it on the line here. I fucking need to see this. Rachel and Suzie, will you kiss each other?

RACHEL: No.

SUZIE: No.

NICK: Superb. Now, onto today's contestants.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

NICK: Welcome to the Countdown studio! And today is national coconut day! Rachel, what do you think about coconuts?

RACHEL: What?

NICK: What do you have to say about coconuts?

RACHEL: Nothing. I have no opinion whatsoever about coconuts.

NICK: Are you sure you're not being a little "shy" about answering the question!?

RACHEL: No, you dickwad.

NICK : Well, I won't "milk" this topic anymore!

RACHEL: Because coconuts contain milk, is that what you're doing there? Pathetic.

NICK( SLIGHTLY FLUSHED) : Well, anyway, let's meet today's contes-

RACHEL: I'm just pulling your leg, Nick, I really like you a lot in actuality.

NICK: W-What? Oh, thanks.

RACHEL: Here, have a humbug.

*she proffers a bag of humbugs*

NICK (Taking a humbug ): Well, thank you very much, Rachel. We'd better get on to our two contestants today, though....

* the contestants are introduced , and everything goes smoothly*

HAPPY COUNTDOWN INTRODUCTION ENDING! :)

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

NICK: Welcome to another edition of Countdown! And today marks the 44th aniversary of the release of Pasolini's "Salo, Or 120 Days In Sodom ". What do you think about that film Rachel?

RACHEL: Not keen. Nice one for the antifacist vibe going on, didn't like all that chowing down on faeces , and what have you.

NICK: Well, it's always nice to see your own shit eating grin in any case! So, to today's-

RACHEL: Piss drinking, too. Didn't like that. No need.

NICK: Alright, Missus. I'm in the middle of introducing the contestants now.

RACHEL: Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!

NICK: Why the Steve Martin Impression?

DIRECTOR: Cut! Right, we'll do the introduction again, this time with no references to "Salo", no Steve Martin impressions and no using profanity for what you know full well is a television show going out in the afternoon, if you pair of clowns don't mind.

SUZIE DENT: Yes, pull yourself together, you two. For Goodness sake.

* NICK AND RACHEL HAVE THE GRACE TO LOOK EMBARRASSED. ANOTHER MUCH MORE CONVENTIONAL INTRODUCTION IS FILMED, AND ALL IS WELL.MEANWHILE, INTERRED CORPSES ROT IN CEMETERIES ALL AROUND THE WORLD*

[Huxleys Babkins]

NICK: Welcome to the Countdown. Rachel, I bet you a hundred quid I can fit an entire Countdown teapot in my mouth.

RACHEL: You're on.

NICK: Mmmmmffffffffmfmffffffttthhhhhhmmmmmmffffffffff. Mmmmffffth.

RACHEL: Christ.

[Gregory Torso]

NICK: Welcome to Countdown, and this morning I was on Twitter and was surprised to find out that today is Russ Abbot's birthday! Happy birthday, Russ! Rachel, do you remember Russ Abbot, yesteryear's funnyman?

RACHEL: Maybe. Did he used to dress up like, bit like, you know, a soldier. And have a wig.

NICK: Brilliant. Anyway, on to our contestants, and I hope they enjoy the "atmosphere" in the studio today.

[Alberon]

NICK: Welcome to yet another edition of Countdown. And today is the 50th anniversary of selling my soul to Satan! Now--

RACHEL: That's right, bitch! And now it's time to collect! [RACHEL SPLITS APART AND AN EIGHT FOOT TALL BEAST OF HORN AND HOOF UNFOLDS] Behold! The pit of hell! [THE FLOOR SPLITS ASUNDER AND A STRONG SMELL OF SULPHUR EMANATES FROM THE BOTTOMLESS HOLE].

CAROL: Not so fast, foul demon!

RACHEL: Vorderman!?! No, he is mine!

[CAROL DRAWS A SWORD THAT GLEAMS WITH ETHEREAL LIGHT AND THE TWO CLASH IN A SPECTACULAR BATTLE AROUND THE STUDIO. THE BATTLE QUICKLY LAYS WASTE TO THE REMAINS OF THE SET. NEITHER COMBATANT CAN GET THE UPPER HAND UNTIL FINALLY...]

RACHEL: Wait, where is Hewer?

SUSIE: He legged it ages ago. [DENT RETURNS TO LOOTING THE DEAD IN THE AUDIENCE]

RACHEL: What a wanker!

CAROL: Ungrateful tosser! You can have him.

RACHEL: Tell you what, let's track him down together.

CAROL: Ooh, sounds like fun.

[THE TWO IMMORTAL WARRIORS LEAVE]

[CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE] Consonant, please?

[Huxleys Babkins]

NICK: Good afternoon and welcome to the show. Look at this, Rachel. This yogurt went out of date four days ago, yet here I am eating it. It's perfectly fine. It breaks your heart thinking about all the perfectly safe food people throw out, doesn't it?

RACHEL: Pfft that's nothing. I dunked a five week out of date steak into some Dettol once. Perfectly fine.

NICK: Fucking hell, that's mental. Jesus, fair play. And now onto today's challenger.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

NICK: Good afternoon. "Countdown" is the name of this programme. Rachel, do you like Jandek?

RACHEL: No, I do not. He is a bit too weird for my tastes.

NICK: Fair fucks. And so to today's contestants....

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

NICK: Good Afternoon, Viewers! It's time for " Countdown", where we're going to have some consonants, vowels, some sums and even a couple of conundrums! Entertaining stuff, eh?

* RACHEL leans into shot from the viewer's right hand side, staring directly into the camera, giving a rigid " thumbs up " sign . *

RACHEL: Yeah, this is " Countdown ", blummin great programme , this.

* NICK smiles a sincere smile of pride behind her. We cut to Susie Dent  who is smiling and nodding her head approvingly*

ANOTHER HAPPY COUNTDOWN INTRODUCTION ENDING ! :)  :)  :)

[Glebe]

NICK HEWER: Let's get on with things, get those conundrums sorted before close of business.

JIMMY CARR: I am vapid.

[Hey, Punk!]

JIMMY CARR: W-

SEAN LOCK: I tire of this game! *eviscerates the studio audience*

JON RICHARDSON: Ooh, bit messy.

[petril]

NICK HEWER: Fuck.

silence for ages, CUT TO: STATIC CHANNEL 4 slide for three minutes before going back to the programme

NICK HEWER: For fuck's sake, it's prerecorded. They'll edit this out.

stunned silence. CUT TO BLACK, CHANNEL 4 IDENT JOINED IN PROGRESS, NO SOUND. CUT TO STATIC CHANNEL 4 SLIDE

[Glebe]

HEWER: Welcome back to this special celebrity edition of Countdown. Ralph Ineson, how many letters did you get?

RALPH INESON: Bae 'eck, ah got six, Nick.

HEWER: And you, Dara Ó Briain?

Ó BRIAIN: Oi got twelve, now, so I did, Nick, t'be sure.

INESON: Flippin' 'eck, that's decent.