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Countdown - Introduction Scripts_2019.docx

Started by the, April 23, 2019, 11:53:41 AM

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Hey, Punk!

Quote from: DangledTeeth on May 02, 2019, 09:50:48 PM

HEWER: We have with us today, the Elvis of Critical Theory (camera cuts to Zizek shaking his head), Slavoj Seesseck

ZIZEK: Thank you very much I am proud to be here.

HEWER: W-

ZIZEK: This reminds me of a vulgar joke, forgive me. A stupid fairy or something goes to a farmer, howshouldiputit, and asks what the farmer wants. He says he will give to farmer's neighbour twice as much, farmer says take one of my eyes. So I am hoping that as I suffer here, that you are suffering more. But I will be the good Stalinist and at least show some suffering in turn, and so on.

HEWER: Okay, to meet our contestants.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

#91
Quote from: Hey, Punk! on May 03, 2019, 11:01:59 AM
HEWER: We have with us today, the Elvis of Critical Theory (camera cuts to Zizek shaking his head), Slavoj Seesseck

ZIZEK: Thank you very much I am proud to be here.

HEWER: W-

ZIZEK: This reminds me of a vulgar joke, forgive me. A stupid fairy or something goes to a farmer, howshouldiputit, and asks what the farmer wants. He says he will give to farmer's neighbour twice as much, farmer says take one of my eyes. So I am hoping that as I suffer here, that you are suffering more. But I will be the good Stalinist and at least show some suffering in turn, and so on.

HEWER: Okay, to meet our contestants.

RACHEL: Fucking Hell, are you sure we didn't book Freddie " Parrot Face " Davies instead?

YER MAN HEWER ( looking stern and reproachful ) Rachel...

RACHEL : Well, fuck me, have you heard the cunt speak ? Alright, Zizekster, still after eating Tweety Pie, are yer ? Go on, say " Suffering Stalinism " !

SUSIE DENT: Excuse me, Rachel, Mr. Zizek is a guest on this programme, and we'll thank you to accord him the appropriate amount of respect.
SIOUXSIE SIOUX: # Christine! She is a strawberry girl! Christine! She is a banana split lady! #
SUSIE PSEUD: Hello readers! My name's Susan, and I'm quite the faux intellectual, pretending to like dead clever books that I don't fully understand, and that!
SUSIE SUED: Hello there, CABbers! My name's Susan, and I've been taken to court by people whose character I've defamed, and I've had to pay them a right load of money, I can tell you !
* THE FLOOR MANAGER is saying nothing, but is drinking from a hip flask , with a despairing look on his face.he is wearing a short sleeved shirt, and we can discern a small but intricately etched tattoo of a flaming skull on his upper arm, a reminder of his youthful abandon before his " Floor Manager on Countdown" days. There is no iguana on his shoulder *
SLAVOJ ZIZEK ( Now dressed as Spiderman ): Daft, I call it.
RACHEL RILEY ( Still in piss- taking mode, and now wearing a makeshift pig's snout attached to her cute little button nose ): Th- Th- That's All Folks!
* we fade out, just as we can hear SLAVOJ ZIZEK say , in his distinctive tones " That's the wrong cartoon character, you cheeky fucking cow."*

DangledTeeth

#92
Hewer: Good afternoon... welcome to episode seven thousand-something, I dunno. Today isn't National National Lampoon Day, that was yesterday.
Rachel, did you watch a National Lampoon film yesterday evening, after I spoke about it yesterday?

Rachel: Yes I did. The one I sa-

Hewer: Great. We welcome the author of 12 Rules for Life Professor Doctor Jordan B. Peterson in the dictionary seat corner seat area
again - he was here yesterday. Jordan, has anyone said you sometimes sound a lot like Kermit the Frog?

Jordan: Well, I don't want to be conveniently boxed into an ideological group, so that depends on what you mean by Kermit.

Hewer: A caricature of a frog, i.e. amphibian. It's a puppeeeet.

Jordan: Right. Well, the devil is in the detail. What scenario would instigate this? Why have I sometimes sounded like Kermit?

Hewer: Well erm, perhaps the pitch of your voice alters as a result of an emotional response.

Jordan: Oh, towards what?

Hewer: I don't know.

Jordan: That's a philosophically abstract response. Do you mean to say that you don't realise the potential of your own shadow?

Hewer: It's a statement. Nothing more.

Jordan: Okay, go and a clean your room, mate.

Hewer: Will do, son. Before we start, can you say 'father'? Go-on-say-father. Pleeeease.

Jordan: Fawvther.

Hewer: Hee-hee-hee-hah. And one last request before we continue, do your wavy gesture thing with your fingers.

Jordan waves his fingers in a square formation

Hewer: I'm easily entertained.

Rachel whacks out an assortment of tiles

Rachel: 178 large and 76 small, with a target of 50.

Hewer: Too soon, Rachel. And that does seem piss-easy to do, but aren't the contestants meant to use all the numbered tiles you've flipped over in
order to arrive at the sum of fifty?

Rachel: I... don't know the specifics, Nick. I'm a physical presenter and genius calculator.

Jordan: It depends on what you mean by 'physical' and 'calculator'.

Hewer: Jordan, mate, it's not anecdote time. You can speak right before the adverts start.

Glebe

RACH: Alright Hewer, have a nice weekend?

HEWER: No time to talk, Riley, I'm stuffing Susie Dent into a woodchipper YOU'RE NEXT.