Author Topic: The Return of Generous Seagull.  (Read 1702 times)

Glebe

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The Return of Generous Seagull.
« on: May 02, 2019, 09:53:55 AM »
Steve is sitting in the garden enjoying the sun, when a lovely, fresh sponge cake drops in his lap!

"Go on, 'ave it!" winks the bird from above!

Spoon of Ploff

  • visitors are welcome to Sheerness
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2019, 10:06:16 AM »
Steve is sitting in the garden enjoying the sun, when a lovely, fresh sponge cake drops in his lap!

"Go on, 'ave it!" winks the bird from above!

a fresh sponge cake full of anthrax chuckles the bird to itself as it floats away. generous seagull has changed

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2019, 10:12:35 AM »
Nark the Nightingale's been putting it about that GS has gotten himself in with Wanker Heron.

Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2019, 10:55:15 AM »
a fresh sponge cake full of anthrax chuckles the bird to itself as it floats away. generous seagull has changed

He knew you were feeling suicidal, here's a way out if you really need it.

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2019, 08:53:40 PM »
Jenny is walking along the main street, when she says to herself, "I'd love to get that new remastered James Taylor collector's edition boxset." Suddenly, she realises there's a £50 record voucher in her pocket.

"Who?-"

She doesn't notice the coastal bird eyeing her nearby.

PlanktonSideburns

  • be outta here in a jiffy
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2019, 10:55:10 PM »
love this guy

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2019, 02:10:10 AM »
You are about to lie down when the 'giving bird' pops up at the side of your bed. "Just put a chocolate under y'pillow, like they do in the hotels! Enjoy!"

Spoon of Ploff

  • visitors are welcome to Sheerness
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2019, 05:25:04 AM »
You are about to lie down when the 'giving bird' pops up at the side of your bed. "Just put a chocolate under y'pillow, like they do in the hotels! Enjoy!"

Thats not a chocolate. Thats a small poo he pecked out of a dead lambs arse earlier in the day.

Spoon of Ploff

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Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2019, 05:27:30 AM »
Jenny is walking along the main street, when she says to herself, "I'd love to get that new remastered James Taylor collector's edition boxset." Suddenly, she realises there's a £50 record voucher in her pocket.

"Who?-"

She doesn't notice the coastal bird eyeing her nearby.

Oh wait. Says the Sales Assistant. Sorry this voucher expired last year.
Its the hope that kills you.

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2019, 05:45:19 AM »
"GO ON, 'AVE IT!" A Wagon Wheel is stuffed in your mouth, and you hear the flutter of wings.

Thats not a chocolate. Thats a small poo he pecked out of a dead lambs arse earlier in the day.

"Oh, sorry mate. Here, have ten thousand quid compo! Enjoy"

Oh wait. Says the Sales Assistant. Sorry this voucher expired last year.
Its the hope that kills you.

"Sorry miss, my mistake! It's well in date... and I guess you can have another £50 voucher to make up for the error, right, Seagull?" Generous gives a thumbs up from behind the counter.

Spoon of Ploff

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Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2019, 06:23:37 AM »
"GO ON, 'AVE IT!" A Wagon Wheel is stuffed in your mouth, and you hear the flutter of wings.

"But I'm allergic to chocolaaaahhhhh..." *dies in agony.

Spoon of Ploff

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Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2019, 07:04:05 AM »
"Here you go Northern Nonce Watch. A list of home addressed for every pediatrician in your region."

"Gee. Thanks Generous Seagull."

"No need to thank me, just go and beat the living shit out of those filthy bastards"

Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2019, 07:31:54 AM »
Sorry fer 'imself Sparrow mopes around his shabby twiggy nest.

GS pays him a visit as he knows how down he can get, "s'it goin Spazza me old mate?"

"ooh y'know just same old same old GS, can't really bring meself to leave the nest atm"

"I've got JUST THE THING!"

GS swoops off, returns 20 minutes later with an xbox 360.

"There ya go mate! have a crack on that like!"

"but..but.. I don't have hands, let alone thumbs and that xbox is actually bigger than my nest and it's not like I have electricity or a telly in my fucking twiggy nest is it mate!"

"ENJOY MATE, EN-FUCKING-JOY!"

And with that GS flies off into the glooming.

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2019, 07:58:36 AM »
Sorry fer 'imself Sparrow mopes around his shabby twiggy nest...

Sparrow can barely contain himself. "OI, COME BACK, Y'PRICK!"

And after a tense few moments Generous does come back. He looks about furtively, grabs Sparrow by his imaginary 'lapels', and whispers menacingly; "Listen, mate. I do a lot good work round here, asking nowt and fuck all in return. Now I risked life and limb to cadge that fucking Xbox One, so if you don't like it, you can shove it, mate!" And with that, he flies off.

"It's only a fucking Xbox 360, y'cheapskate!"

"But I'm allergic to chocolaaaahhhhh..." *dies in agony.

"Oh NO, what have I DONE!"

"HAHA, look at the calendar mate, APRIL FOOL! I actually love chocolate!"

"Phew, don't do that to me, y'prick."

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • ...to stab you with!
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #14 on: May 03, 2019, 08:02:43 AM »
Seagulls don't have thumbs. This thread is a disgrace.

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #15 on: May 04, 2019, 07:34:52 AM »
Seagulls don't have thumbs. This thread is a disgrace.

"There you go mate, have some thumbs!" smiles GS, gifting himself some thumbs.

Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2019, 08:43:31 AM »
Generous Seagull begins his morning rounds:

First, to Alkie Albatross with a thermos of tea, some ibuprofen and a couple of brandy miniatures to calm the shakes (GS doesn't judge).

Next, on to Lonely Loon with a new DVD for her to watch and the usual offer ("my nest is always open, Loony").

Then Generous Gull loads up a hod of new books and takes them over to Voraciously Reading Starling; a hand made card and a sing-a-long with Can't-Let-Go-Of-Christmas Robin; some dead mice for Agoraphobic Owl ("Sorry, mice, but it's feathers before fur around here")...

Finally, Generous Seagull's least favourite stop if he's honest - Peado Peacock. "Mate, look, I've turned the other beak for years, we're mates, but seriously. Get help. Stop trying to groom the hatchlings, flashing your impressive tail plumage at them. It's sick. You're sick. I don't want to do this but Paedo mate, if I hear you've been down among the nests again, touching the eggs, I'm going to have to call the Vigilante Peado-fowl Hunters in. It's for your own good."

Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #17 on: May 04, 2019, 09:01:34 AM »
^^^^

"if I hear you've been down among the nests again, touching the eggs,"

Gave me a good laff.

Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #18 on: May 04, 2019, 09:24:14 AM »
Cheers, foggy!

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #19 on: May 04, 2019, 09:33:59 AM »
a fresh sponge cake full of anthrax chuckles the bird to itself as it floats away. generous seagull has changed

Anthrax CDs, that is - the guy is a big fan!

Next, on to Lonely Loon with a new DVD for her to watch and the usual offer ("my nest is always open, Loony").

She has since got her plates of meat under GS's table and a burgeoning relationship seems to have developed... could we be hearing wedding bells soon? Stay tuned!

Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #20 on: May 04, 2019, 09:54:29 AM »
GS decides to go for a long fly by himself, "got to be generous to yersel' before you can be generous toward others", the mantra runs around his heed.

Off he goes, swoops out over the lurching sea, glinting sunshine sparkles off the peaks of the waves. He can see for miles up there, looks out at the horizon.  It looks strangely flat?
"oh SHIT!" He's only gone n forgot about Flat Earth Flamingo! 

GS twirls, beak gleaming in the glorious morning light and heads straight back to land, gliding among the currents and updrafts.

He finds FEF on a cliffs edge launching a helium balloon with a go pro attached. "Oi, flazza mate, wot's happenin'?"

"just a little SCIENCE! Gonna prove there's fuck all curvature to the earth mate, flat as a fucking flounder so it is!"

"errr, have you read much science bruv? it's like pretty much demonstratabley clear and provable that the earth is a big fucking ovoid, like a proper round egg, a birds egg."

"LOOK RIGHT!, it's a fucking conspircy GS they've been lieing to us for centuries! maybe the G in your name actually stands for GULLIBLE! GULLIBLE SEAGULL! HAHAHA! WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GULLIBLE FUCKING GULL!"

"look calm down flammy mate, we're all friends here no need to shout and insult is there. now lets just think about this logically, why would they lie about this, who could possibly benefit from pretending the earth is round when it's actually flat, I mean honestly it's a bit fucking bonkers innit?"

"THEY'RE LIENG TO US MAN!!! THEY'VE BEEN LYING FOR CENTURIES!!! DONT YOU FUCKING GET IT! OUR WHOLE WORLD IS BUILT UPON LIES! WEVE BEEN FOOLED! HOODWINKED! THE WOOLS BEEN PULLED OVER! THEYVE GOT US TRAPPED MAN! DONT YOU SEE IT! WE'RE NOWT BUT A RESOURCE TO THEM, BIRDS UPON BIRDS MULCHED BY THE RAVENOUS TECHNO-CAPITAL MACHINE, HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THEY DO TO BABY CHICKS?!?! FUCKING HAVE YOU!!??
MEAT IN A FUCKING GRINDER MATE!
MEAT.
IN.
A.
FUCKING.
GRINDER."

"cor, well look mate i think its best if you maybe take a break from youtube yeah? tell you what why not just come round t'mine and we'll have a nice cuppa and a biscuit and you can tell me all about it"

GS makes a quick call to the local mental health services.

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #21 on: May 04, 2019, 01:59:23 PM »
^Karma!

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2019, 08:18:12 AM »
"Oh shit! I left my wallet at home and it's my round! Hang on, what's that at my pocket?"

"There we go... just slip that in there like so..."

There's a hundred squids in you pocket, and a mysterious feather on the bar!

Spoon of Ploff

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Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2019, 11:38:22 AM »
"Oh shit! I left my wallet at home and it's my round! Hang on, what's that at my pocket?"

"There we go... just slip that in there like so..."

There's a hundred squids in you pocket, and a mysterious feather on the bar!

"'Ere!" Says the barman. A bluff fellow with comatose nostrils. "Why's there a picture of the Duchess of Cornwall on this money 'stead of her Majesty the Queen? Beryl! Phone the police while I make a citizens arrest!!"

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #24 on: May 05, 2019, 01:34:31 PM »
"'Ere!" Says the barman. A bluff fellow with comatose nostrils. "Why's there a picture of the Duchess of Cornwall on this money 'stead of her Majesty the Queen? Beryl! Phone the police while I make a citizens arrest!!"

"There'll be no need for that, publican - here, some kosher readies for yah! Like the hair, Beryl!"

Spoon of Ploff

  • visitors are welcome to Sheerness
Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #25 on: May 05, 2019, 02:54:32 PM »
"There'll be no need for that, publican - here, some kosher readies for yah! Like the hair, Beryl!"

"It's a chemotherapy wig as well you know you total bastard !" cries Beryl as she runs sobbing from the bar.

Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #26 on: May 05, 2019, 07:37:53 PM »
It’s that time of year again - the time when Whimsical Whimbrel appears on the foreshore.

“Here, Gully, have you have been down the rockpool recently, the hermit crabs are having an old skool hip hop block party, there’s a razorbill break-dancing, and all the water’s been replaced with orange Sunkist. Tee hee hee.”

GS rolls his eyes but says “is that right,Whimbo, I might check it out later” and even gives him a couple of chips and ketchup from his stash.


Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #27 on: May 05, 2019, 07:48:29 PM »

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #28 on: May 06, 2019, 04:41:24 AM »
Glebe - any truth in the rumour that GenSeag only took time off being kind to all and sundry “to give everyone else a chance to karmically catch up”?

chveik

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Re: The Return of Generous Seagull.
« Reply #29 on: May 06, 2019, 04:43:04 AM »
"It's a chemotherapy wig as well you know you total bastard !" cries Beryl as she runs sobbing from the bar.

Stop getting Generous Seagull wrong!