The Return of Generous Seagull.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Stop getting Generous Seagull wrong!

I'm trying to show you what this animal is really like! You look yet you do not see.

[Glebe]

"It's a chemotherapy wig as well you know you total bastard !" cries Beryl as she runs sobbing from the bar.

"I don't understand it," sighs GS, "It's like two opposing forces are controlling my fate!"

Glebe - any truth in the rumour that GenSeag only took time off being kind to all and sundry "to give everyone else a chance to karmically catch up"?

"Indeed there is, Ferris, and well spotted! Have the Star Prize of ten bob, an exclusive Generous Seagull T-shirt and a Generous Seagull pencil! Generous Seagull pencils go to ten lucky runners up! Caw!"

I'm trying to show you what this animal is really like! You look yet you do not see.

"Not to worry, I'll gift him special 'all-seeing' eyes! Caw! Caw!"

[Glebe]

"I'd love a chocolate digestive right no-"

"There y'go mate, whole packet! Well, there's a couple gone, gave some to a hungry cormorant in Dover!"

[Clatty McCutcheon]

"I'd love a chocolate digestive right no-"

"There y'go mate, whole packet! Well, there's a couple gone, gave some to a hungry cormorant in Dover!"

What's more, I understand the hungry seabird in question was none other than Cormac Cormorant, author of the unflinching No Country for Old Gulls.  Hardly a favourite of the gull community, but GS isn't one to bear a grudge.

[Glebe]

"I'd love a Mercedes-Benz!"

"Here's the keys, thank me later! And no, Spoon of Ploff, I haven't meddled with the braking system!"

[Spoon of Ploff]

"I'd love a Mercedes-Benz!"

"Here's the keys, thank me later! And no, Spoon of Ploff, I haven't meddled with the braking system!"

Previous owner dead in boot?

[Glebe]

Previous owner dead in boot?

*clunk*

"Take a look mate, no body."

[Glebe]

"I'm bloody bored, I am."

*KA-THUNK!*

"There you go, mate, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Buckaroo!, Hungry Hungry Hippos and more... strictly old-school, no computer games or that, not good for yah."

[Spoon of Ploff]

"I'm bloody bored, I am."

*KA-THUNK!*

"There you go, mate, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Buckaroo!, Hungry Hungry Hippos and more... strictly old-school, no computer games or that, not good for yah."

But it's written on every single game that it's for two or more players. Thank you so much for highlighting just how so very alone I am in this world you heartless sea bird. I'm away to end it all!

[Glebe]

But it's written on every single game that it's for two or more players. Thank you so much for highlighting just how so very alone I am in this world you heartless sea bird. I'm away to end it all!

"Mate, I'll be your game partner!"

[Spoon of Ploff]

"Mate, I'll be your game partner!"

Let's kick off with:

[Glebe]

Let's kick off with:

"I couldn't resist. Forgive me!"

[Phoenix Lazarus]

'Hi.  You John?  Your wife said you're a fan, so got the band to sign your vinyl copy of Transfer Affection.  Here's free tickets for our local tour date.' 

Flies off with John watching him with a disbelieving smile of wonderment.

[Glebe]

Jeff is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a kindly wing touches his shoulder.

"Alright, mate?"

"Fuck me! Where's the puppeteer?! Is this a David Blaine stunt?"

"Haha, nah mate, I'm a real talking seagull! What seems to be the matter, friend?"

"Me girlfriend's left me for a mate. And I'm behind on this month's rent."

"Aw, don't worry, pal! You'll find a better lady out there, trust me. And as for the rent, don't worry about it, I'll sort that out!"

"Wow, cheers mate! How can I ever thank you?"

"No don't worry about it just seeing you smile again is thanks enough!"

"Thanks. Er, listen, I haven't had a holiday in awhile-"

"-Don't push it."

[Spoon of Ploff]

Jeff is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a kindly wing touches his shoulder.

"Alright, mate?"

"Fuck me! Where's the puppeteer?! Is this a David Blaine stunt?"

"Haha, nah mate, I'm a real talking seagull! What seems to be the matter, friend?"

"Me girlfriend's left me for a mate. And I'm behind on this month's rent."

"Aw, don't worry, pal! You'll find a better lady out there, trust me. And as for the rent, don't worry about it, I'll sort that out!"

"Wow, cheers mate! How can I ever thank you?"

"No don't worry about it just seeing you smile again is thanks enough!"

"Thanks. Er, listen, I haven't had a holiday in awhile-"

"-Don't push it."

Jeff returns to his flat later that day to find the locks changed and all his stuff strewn across the driveway. In amongst the
detritus that is his life he spots two items he doesn't recognize. A child size tent and a blow up sex doll that's full of holes.
Could have been worse... thinks Jeff. Could've been the other way round.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

'Hi Sammy.'

'Oh, hi Generous.'

'What you up to, lately?'

'Oh, the usual.  Lot of swooping for grub; busy doing lots of singing.'

'Aw, yeah.  I do as much of that whole seagull-crying as possible.  I love giving the holidaying humans that whole traditional beach atmosphere. 

'Well, I do it as I love the fact the people don't speak the avian lingo, so don't know you're shouting 'cunt-features, your wife's a dog,' and stuff.  Trust you to be the altruistic one.  Ah yeah, there's something else.  Silly Seagull's refusing to speak to me for some reason.'

'Okayyyy.  Confession time, here.  I let him on something I thought he should know.'

'Aw, fuck, mate.  Don't tell me you told him that my story that I had Swiss cousins was just a load of bull?'

'I did indeed, and that you were laughing with the rest of the flock, behind his back, over him lapping it up.  He may be silly, but there's no need to take advantage.'

'Yeah, I guess you're right.  Someone as generous as you was never going to let me get away with that, were you?  Thing is, I couldn't resist the temptation.  Silly Seagull swallowed any story you gave him.  He was just so humanible.'

[Glebe]

You're staring at a fantastic hi-fi system in the window of a shop. Suddenly, a shop assistant removes it from its place. Few minutes later, the bird is beside you, offering it up.

[Glebe]

"Heads up, love."

"WOW! A beauty product gift basket has landed in my lap!"

[Spoon of Ploff]

You're staring at a fantastic hi-fi system in the window of a shop. Suddenly, a shop assistant removes it from its place. Few minutes later, the bird is beside you, offering it up.

"I told her if she didn't give it me I'd murder her kids" he laughs as he flutters away.

"Heads up, love."

"WOW! A beauty product gift basket has landed in my lap!"

"Wait.. Are you trying to tell me I'm ugly!?? And don't call me love you sexist fuck."

[Glebe]

Jeff returns to his flat later that day to find the locks changed and all his stuff strewn across the driveway. In amongst the
detritus that is his life he spots two items he doesn't recognize. A child size tent and a blow up sex doll that's full of holes.
Could have been worse... thinks Jeff. Could've been the other way round.

"I told her if she didn't give it me I'd murder her kids" he laughs as he flutters away.

"Wait.. Are you trying to tell me I'm ugly!?? And don't call me love you sexist fuck."

"It's really odd... I try to do good, but some strange impulse leads me to cause mayhem. Again, it's almost as if some outside influence is perverting my actions! If this keeps up, pretty soon they'll be calling me Deceitful Seagull!"

[Glebe]

"Hello homeless fellow, have a giant 4K TV and a VR system!"

"Great, I can sell these and-"

"-No no no! You can only have them on the condition that you make use of 'em!"

"But... they're no good to me... can't you just give me the money instea-"

"-No. I'll be checking up on you periodically to make sure you haven't sold them."

"Fuck's sake. Well, at least I could use the packaging from the telly to make a shelter."

"No. That's cheating."

[Glebe]

It's the flap of the wing and a gift is delivered, straight to your door!

[Glebe]

"Here Generous, you promised me a nice bit o' fish for me suppa!"

"Yeah alright mate I've only got two wings givvus a chance."

[Glebe]

You notice a lovely mallow tea cake on y'plate.

"Go on," nods The Bird.

[Ferris]

"Here Generous, you promised me a nice bit o' fish for me suppa!"

"Yeah alright mate I've only got two wings givvus a chance."

This is terrific. Big laugh from Mrs Ferris n all.

[Glebe]

This is terrific. Big laugh from Mrs Ferris n all.

Discovered serendipitously, thought "That's going in 'ere."

[Glebe]

"Here Generous, these chocolate digestives are stale!"

"Oh no! Here, I'll return them-"

"NO NO NO! I like them like that!"

"Er ah, oh yeah! I, er... knew that."

[Glebe]

"Unopened box of Dairylea Dunkers, mate? Be a shame to waste them. They're in date."

*flutter*

[Spoon of Ploff]

"Unopened box of Dairylea Dunkers, mate? Be a shame to waste them. They're in date."

*flutter*

-- has he gone?
-- yeah
-- why's the fucker keep dumping his unwanted shopping on us?
-- fuck knows
-- there ought to be a law
-- i know, i know
-- can't you do something? tell him to stop?
-- i have dropped countless hints, but he just keeps doing it. it's like an illness
-- etc etc

[Ferris]

"...I mean he knows I'm lactose intolerant. Doesn't he?"