Author Topic: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?  (Read 582 times)

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • ...to stab you with!
How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« on: May 09, 2019, 10:29:59 AM »
I used to have an uncle who looked like Bert ( The actor Richard Milligan) from " Soap".
Apart from that, he was pretty uncool. Anyway, he 's dead now.
Post your tales of uncool uncles here. If you're quick, you might get a story on here before this thread gets shunted off to H S Art.

Cuellar

  • Push off my wire
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2019, 10:39:25 AM »
Called Keith. Hates being told what to do by the EU. Is basically Alan Partridge. And he's a racist. Hates all the 'Asians' in Coventry.

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2019, 10:41:59 AM »
I'm a alien

Cuellar

  • Push off my wire
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2019, 10:42:24 AM »
Actually Alan Partridge wouldn't even say that about 'the Asians'

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2019, 02:10:28 PM »
He had a massive stroke and now can barely move or speak. La-aaaa-me

PlanktonSideburns

  • lunch - small raw potato, peeled.
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2019, 02:16:13 PM »
A great uncool uncle, gave me a load of rush, iron maiden and blacksabbath cds when I was 13, a great thing to have at that age. Also a copy of Steve Vai's Sex and Religion - wich I think must be the most UNCULAR album ever burned to cd

easytarget

  • five gas lighters for a pound
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2019, 06:54:56 AM »
he's well brexit :(

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2019, 08:27:20 AM »
One of my uncles was a Catholic priest. He had the first Walkman I ever saw and it had a Paul McCartney cassette in it (Pipes of Peace, I think). Once he was going to a fancy dress party and told us he was going as The Incredible Hulk. My mum offered him on of my old school shirts to squeeze into but he refused, stating that he was just going to cover himself in black paint. When I protested that hulk was green, he angrily snapped back "well my hulk is black."

Last time I saw him was after a break of about 30 years at my dad's 60th. I was leathered and when he told me I needed to watch my drinking, I smilingly called him a "cheeky cunt". I doubt he'd ever been called a cunt before and I was really pleased when my sister told me the following day that he'd been so offended he left the party.

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2019, 08:29:28 AM »
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« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 08:40:24 AM by holyzombiejesus »

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2019, 12:10:51 AM »
Apart from measuring the speed of light through burning cheese in the microwave, my dad's not all that mad, but I definitely have stakes in the uncool uncle game. My uncool uncle is an ex-teacher turned costumed historical tour guide with massive mutton chops who will talk to you //at length// about his favourite science fiction books. He also married my aunt who is so devoutly Catholic she would put holy water on me when my atheist dad was out of the room and listen to recordings of mass on tape when travelling in the car, but still (after decades of marriage) will make tasteless jokes at the dinner table about Jesus on the cross just "hanging around" for Easter. I actually rather like him, but he's not the most self-aware of fellas.

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2019, 12:43:08 AM »
My uncle Peter is a retired nuclear scientist who was part of a delegation sent to Chernobyl before it blew (he can't tell me why, official secrets act etc, shouldn't even have mentioned that I suppose) which is pretty cool. Was always in Sweden, Moscow etc when I was growing up, which seemed exotic. Still is, I suppose.

That's tempered with the fact they live on the most boringly twee newbuild development  in Warrington, he doesn't own a single piece of music, has a timeshare in Madeira and has only recently stopped dying his hair at the age of 68. Velcro fastened shoes and sleep apnoea too.

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2019, 06:22:53 PM »
My niece is really uncool, according to Jello Biafra.

Attila

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Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2019, 06:30:21 PM »
My uncle was skiving off church on Sunday morning, walking across a field with a buddy, and asked him, 'Who're those assholes up there on unscheduled fliggghhhhhhhh -- aaaaaaaaaaaaafuckit RUN!!!' because it was 7 December 1941 and he was on base at Pearl Harbor, and he suddenly found himself being shot at by Japanese gunners.

My mother said it was 10 days before the family got any word if he were dead or alive.

He told her the story when both were much older, when she was visiting him in El Paso. He remarked that he did not tell their mother that had he not run like a mofo, his last words on Earth would have been the above.

Sadly I didn't really know any of my uncles (all four of whom were in the various forces during the war) because my dad not only didn't get on with his own brother, but hated my mother's brothers as well. Thanks, dad, as from all reports, they were all pretty cool, and you were the black sheep of the family.

The only uncle I knew was one by-marriage, to my dad's sister, who was an all around tosser who could not keep his hands off the women in the family, no matter what their age. I remember staying with that aunty for a week once when I was about 7 or 8, and waking up in the middle of the night with that asshole -- then in his 50s or so -- getting into bed with me. All of the men in the family knew about him, but no one ever said anything until another aunty-by-marriage decked him at a family party after he groped her. So I have a cool aunty, anyway.

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2019, 08:59:07 PM »
Fuck, that's awful Attila.

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2019, 09:05:33 PM »
Taught me how to programme a chess game in Basic. Had a massive beard, made home-made gooseberry wine, and wore arran sweaters in the 70s. Got me into cycling and Belgian beer. Loved camping. Sadly was and is a Liberal Democrat and anti-Corbynite. Is also called Keith.

Jake Thingray

  • Chacun a son gout, that is yer actual French.
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Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2019, 10:23:32 PM »
Mine would appear to have finally moved on from Mr Bean, however he appears to like Jonathan Pie now, arguably not much of an improvement.

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2019, 10:34:48 PM »
He used to be very cool. He really isn't now. Lives in Portugal and bangs on about how awful the Portuguese are. Very racist. Calls women wenches. Bit of a creepy oddball really.

The picture my grandmother had on her wall of him though, from when he was about 25 so about 1976 , - he was the coolest most beautiful man you could ever see.

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2019, 10:36:59 PM »
The one on my mum's side has alf garnett levels of bigotry, some of it is probably ironic, a lot of it isn't; still has 70's hair and glasses (think Nigel Humphrey's character in Scum).

The other one is ok, he turns up with my Aunt and is polite but you can tell he doesn't want to be there. Good host though when we've been round theirs. I think now he's retired he spends the day in the pub drinking leisurely (rather than being pissed all the time).

The coolest one, an outdoorsey type into caving and canoeing and stuff split up with my aunt probably about 15 years ago. I miss him as he was sound.

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2019, 05:12:45 AM »
One of my uncles is the father of a constantly ill child produced by being a bit too Game of Thronsey with his niece.

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #19 on: May 16, 2019, 08:35:00 AM »
He was convinced that my cousin's tropical fish tank set up was so impressive that if I googled "tropical aquarium (ASFTSN cousin's name)" it would be the top result.

I couldn't find fuck all about it mate.

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #20 on: May 16, 2019, 10:04:57 AM »
There's a shop/petrol station I go into occasionally (it's the one next to Sheffield United's ground, Premier League football fans). It has pictures at the entrance of shoplifters/petrol thieves. One of the former looks exactly like my uncle John. I took a photo and even his son and my sister agree that it's either an absolute spitting image or it actually is him.

Now considering he's now in his 80s and lives in a care home in Scotland, the thought of him travelling several hundred miles to nick some bread or whatever makes him very cool indeed.

As for my other uncles they're all dead apart from one who I haven't seen since 2002. So that's that.

Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #21 on: May 16, 2019, 10:13:15 AM »
My uncle wishes cancer on any driver who cuts in front of him in the congested queue of the m4, near Newport.

Not just the driver; their family, acquaintances, pets, everyone they know etc. Poetic justice, he claims.

So, very cool.

SpiderChrist

  • Right in the middle of my daily duties.
Re: How Uncool Is Your Uncle?
« Reply #22 on: May 16, 2019, 11:49:47 AM »
My Uncle John left his first wife in the mid-80s without telling anyone where he was going. My old man had to lie to the polis when they came to ask if Dad knew where John was.

He's a racist, sexist homophobe who recently fell out with his only child after being a drunken obnoxious cunt at his grandaughter's wedding. Following this incident he disappeared again without telling anybody in his family. He now lives in Chesterfield, I believe. He's now a great-grandfather, but has no contact with anyone in his family.

As a kid he was my favourite uncle, but realisation of the depth of his bigotry knocked that out of me pretty fucking sharpish.

He turned up at my Dad's funeral, didn't really talk to anyone (he ignored his own daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters who were also there) and then fucked off back to Chesterfield.

IS THAT COOL?