Author Topic: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)  (Read 7844 times)

St_Eddie

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #120 on: May 18, 2019, 01:29:10 AM »
...interfering with his door handle is very tempting.

You could cut open an extra hot chili pepper and rub it all over his door handle.  That way, he'll be as baffled as he is in pain when he next rubs his eyes.

Urinal Cake

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #121 on: May 18, 2019, 01:33:38 AM »
If you're working from home, there's probably a tax deduction somewhere for your 'workspace' so that could make it worthwhile moving out.

Pingers

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #122 on: June 28, 2019, 06:04:46 PM »
Update requested. Is he dead yet?

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #123 on: June 28, 2019, 09:01:11 PM »
Update requested. Is he dead yet?

He isn't, sadly, though he's still being a massive cunt, mostly to Mrs SMBH though as he knows he can't get a reaction out of me now as whenever he's started to throw a tantrum I've just laughed at him and walked off. Funnily enough I was going to bump this thread today though as he's just gone on holiday, but rather stupidly left his door unlocked, I'm currently looking to see if I can buy a small lion or tiger online but if anyone else has any other ideas that'd be appreciated.

mothman

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #124 on: June 28, 2019, 09:13:40 PM »
Plant drugs in there, phone police, report suspicions.

Lordofthefiles

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #125 on: June 28, 2019, 09:15:14 PM »
Plant drugs in there, phone police, report suspicions.

...Dress as a lady first though, as he's most definitely set up a camera to entrap you in similar fashion.

Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #126 on: June 28, 2019, 09:22:49 PM »
Plant drugs in there, phone police, report suspicions.

Drugs, child porn, guns, poo, dead body, everything. Get him fucked.

Danger Man

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #127 on: June 28, 2019, 09:30:36 PM »
The best revenge is living well. So have a slap-up meal while he's away.

mothman

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #128 on: June 28, 2019, 09:54:57 PM »
Child porn would seal the deal, but procuring any would be a minefield, never mind the heinous moral issues. All you can do is hope he’s a nonce for real.

Oh, idea! Create two online personae. One is an attractive adult female who you use to inveigle him into meeting; the other, an accurate facsimile of him, who you use to chat up one of the fake minors that paedo hunters use to entrap people, who you then arrange to meet at the same location. Hilarity ensues.

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #129 on: June 28, 2019, 10:00:09 PM »
There's some top ideas here so far and thank you all for them, though for the record I'm not willing to kill the popular CaB poster poo, even though it might mean the housemate being sent down for a decade plus, sorry. Will reply in full tomorrow, anyway, as I desperately need sleep right now.

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #130 on: June 28, 2019, 10:01:20 PM »
get one of those antimatter prisms and turn his entire room inside out

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #131 on: June 28, 2019, 10:03:14 PM »
fire a beam of w-bosons directly into his gmail account and make him miss his interview

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #132 on: June 28, 2019, 10:03:47 PM »
hide a quark in his bed

touchingcloth

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #133 on: June 28, 2019, 10:12:15 PM »
He isn't, sadly, though he's still being a massive cunt, mostly to Mrs SMBH though as he knows he can't get a reaction out of me now as whenever he's started to throw a tantrum I've just laughed at him and walked off. Funnily enough I was going to bump this thread today though as he's just gone on holiday, but rather stupidly left his door unlocked, I'm currently looking to see if I can buy a small lion or tiger online but if anyone else has any other ideas that'd be appreciated.

Fodder for classic and likely apocryphal halls of residence stories.

Take all of his stuff outside and recreate the exact layout of his room.

Disassemble an entire car and reassemble it in his room.

Spunk in his drawers.

Badgers.

imitationleather

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #134 on: June 28, 2019, 10:32:20 PM »
Shout about cabbage morning, noon and night.

mothman

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Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #136 on: June 29, 2019, 12:52:54 PM »
Plant drugs in there, phone police, report suspicions.

I've got a feeling I wouldn't have to plant anything given how he acts after a night out, but there might not be enough to get him a long sentence, and I deleted all my dealer's numbers when I gave up smoking weed so would struggle to get some now.

...Dress as a lady first though, as he's most definitely set up a camera to entrap you in similar fashion.

You just want me to dress as a lady and then take photos of myself naked and then send them to you. Which I naturally will do, as I'm nice like that.

get one of those antimatter prisms and turn his entire room inside out

Just nipped down to the antimatter prism shop and they've sold out. I can only guess that he thought I might do such a thing and so bought them all before going away. :(

Fodder for classic and likely apocryphal halls of residence stories.

Take all of his stuff outside and recreate the exact layout of his room.

Disassemble an entire car and reassemble it in his room.

Spunk in his drawers.

Badgers.

I can't be arsed to waste my weekly orgasm on his drawers, but a badger is tempting. Or maybe a dead rat. Does anyone know if you can buy either online?

Shout about cabbage morning, noon and night.

During the last week before we move out I'm definitely going to be doing that. Or maybe hide a tape machine in his ceiling with a recording of my screaming the word over and over again.

St_Eddie

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #137 on: June 29, 2019, 03:46:57 PM »
If the carpets in his room are dark, then you could always quickly nip in and take a piss on the floor.  It'll be dry by the time he returns and he won't be able to see the stain.  Perfect time for it too; what with Summer finally kicking in, the heat will cause a right old 'mysterious whiff', that will be sure to perplex his nostrils.  For extra effect, purchase and pour in a scented oil (the type used for use with candles).  Mix it in with the piss and it'll create a truly unholy stench (a smell akin to when someone tries to cover the smell of a honking great turd with deodorant).  I did this a few times to my ex-neighbour from Hell's (indoor) doormat.

Another thing that I did to my ex-neighbour, that you could try (if you know their name), is to sign them up to every possible bit of physical junk mail that you can find online (Reader's Digest, clothing catalogues, sex toy brochures; that sort of thing).  If their address is separate to your own (with their own personal letterbox - like my ex-neighbour's was), then you can even do what I did and use a fake name.  I went with 'Philomena Lebb' myself, knowing full well that approximately 50% of the junk mail would be addressed to 'P. Lebb'.  Be creative, have some fun.  God knows, you've earned it.

I know that I probably sound like the arsehole neighbour in this situation, but seriously, you don't know my ex-neighbour!  Motherfucker literally gave me PTSD - something which I'm still, desperately, trying to recover from 7 months on, having escaped to a new flat, after 6 years of being terrorised, both emotionally and physically.  She and her Son (her Son being my age; mid-thirties) were easily the most evil, twisted, hateful and aggressive cunts that I've ever had the misfortune of encountering within this life; proper and true bullies; people whom prey upon those that they perceive to be weaker than themselves, just for the 'thrill' of seeing somebody suffer.  These are people whom went out of their way, for no other reason than to make an innocent person even more miserable than they themselves already are.  There is no logic, there is only blind hatred with people like that.

Prior to encountering my ex-neighbour, I never believed in 'true, pure evil'.  I thought that everyone had some amount of good within them, that they're misguided or conflicted; internally suffering themselves and lashing out in confusion.  I don't think that anymore.  I now know that true evil exists and that true evil used to live above me.  To those who may judge my actions of retaliation against my tormentors, judge me not, for I only occasionally relented - with the above examples, after around 4 years of unprovoked abuse.  I would certainly not judge you, Small Man Big Horse, were you to serve your own karmic justice to your neighbour.  Seriously, with people like that, fuck 'em!  They deserve everything that's coming to them.  Just be careful and make sure that you can't be legally implicated because the law cares not for moral superiority.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2019, 04:56:31 PM by St_Eddie »

St_Eddie

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #138 on: June 29, 2019, 04:50:13 PM »
Edit glitch removal

Also, I'm sorry for ranting about my own personal bullshit.  Sometimes I just feel the need to vent, for cathartic and therapeutic reasons but this is your thread, Small Man Big Horse and this is your means of venting.  Apologies for the derailment.  I sincerely hope that things improve for you and Mrs SMBH sooner, rather than later.

Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #139 on: June 29, 2019, 06:37:50 PM »
My flatmate dumped a bunch of everyones shit from the freezer in a tantrum a few nights ago. Never buys any utilities or pitches in on anything and has been caught using other peoples stuff a few times. He moved his girlfriend in about 3 months ago and she's never ever out of the house now (think she's on summer break). Get the impression he's spreading himself seriously thin trying to appease this one (he's a bit of a loser in his mid 30s, she's an exchange student)... like, he seems way more like a total oaf than a deliberate cunt but I tend to find stupidity mixed with arrogance a lot more difficult to deal with.

I'm moving out next month so I'd rather just not do anything but I'm kind of expecting him to move in a pal and make the place the totally unliveable for the other (pretty quiet) guys.



Living alone from August though, woohoo, gonna cost me a fuckton but I am excited.

billyandthecloneasaurus

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #140 on: March 04, 2020, 07:40:12 PM »
I've not touched the thermostat in my house for about 3 months since the girls had an eppy and one posted passive aggressively into the group chat "the heating bill is getting REALLY expensive so can we not just keep putting the temperature up ".

This was for the fact that the first properly cold month of the year led to us having to pay FOUR QUID MORE EACH!!! Ye gads. But when I replaced the coffee with the fairtrade one from the co-op i was chastised for not getting the fairtrade AND organic one. Cus that IS a necessity. Daft twat. "oooh I'm a bit of a snob!! " , no you're a bit of a fucking idiot.

Anyway, this morning I felt uncharacteristically cold, so pumped up the thermostat from 17 to TWENTY DEGREES! Like I said, first time I've even touched the stupid thing for 3 months or so. Just fancied getting out of the shower into a warm room for once. 30 minutes later she knocks on the door, "Ummmm, Billy, couldn't help but notice the thermostat was on 20, we have to be reaaally careful with the boiler, cus it is getting really expensive"...

I was too bleary to just say to fuck off, so I just sighed audibly, and said "look if it's that much of an issue I'll pay a bit extra...", and she had the gall to be like "yeah okay i'll hit you up with the details to pay".

For once I actually hope she does communicate this sort code and account number passive aggressively in the group chat so I can inform her that I've paid 17p for the half hour I turned up the heat. with a  :) xx at the end, of course.



edit - yeah not a big fan of that word really

Phoenix Lazarus

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #141 on: March 04, 2020, 07:56:28 PM »
I remember after I got my degree, I moved out from my dad's house into a shared house in town.  I thought it wouldn't be much different to sharing a hall or house with other students.  How naive I was.  The experience opened my eyes to the sheer cuntiness of much of Joe Public.

DolphinFace

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #142 on: March 04, 2020, 08:27:02 PM »
Yeh. It's the thought of one day having to house share that keeps me awake at night.

Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #143 on: March 04, 2020, 08:38:15 PM »
I live alone so know how to crank up the radiator in one room* and still convince the thermostat it's less than the ~15 degrees but basic nhs advice suggests it should be over 18 degrees.

Are your radiators thermostated? Because if they are then central thermostats probably make not much difference.

Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #144 on: March 04, 2020, 09:04:18 PM »
Can't you just wear more clothes?

imitationleather

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #145 on: March 04, 2020, 09:06:39 PM »
Can't you just wear more clothes?

That's not very sexy.

rue the polywhirl

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #146 on: March 04, 2020, 09:16:38 PM »
I got so fed up of my housemate that I dropped his towels into the toilet but felt guilty and didn’t want him to find out so I dried them in the oven soon afterwards. It was a houseshare with four other people. Miserable times.

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #147 on: March 04, 2020, 10:19:11 PM »
My housemate won't let me eat in peace. He sits there eyeballing me and my food and looking mournful. And he expects me to pick up his crap.

Then again he is saving me a fortune by being a German Shepherd and eliminating the need for an expensive burglar alarm.

madhair60

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #148 on: March 04, 2020, 10:48:34 PM »
Anyway, this morning I felt uncharacteristically cold, so pumped up the thermostat from 17 to TWENTY DEGREES! Like I said, first time I've even touched the stupid thing for 3 months or so. Just fancied getting out of the shower into a warm room for once. 30 minutes later she knocks on the door, "Ummmm, Billy, couldn't help but notice the thermostat was on 20, we have to be reaaally careful with the boiler, cus it is getting really expensive"...

"just fuck off"

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Re: Shit Housemate (Thread no. 217)
« Reply #149 on: March 04, 2020, 10:50:46 PM »
i can't even imagine what would happen if someone said that to me. crank it up to the absolute maximum and then just guard it all day long. sweat em out. kick the fuck out of the telly or something. gloves off, it's time for a type 2 dia-beatdown, and you're losing the foot

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