Sitcoms Where Characters Forget their Lines

[DangledTeeth]

  Fawlty Towers

Mr Hamilton: Satisfied customers, huh?!

Mr Hamilton peanuts Basil's tie

Mr Hamilton: Erm... (With no conviction) potato chips.

Basil: This. Is. Typical. Ab-so-lute-ly typical. The kind of... CUNT I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to handwaited on hand and-and-and...

Basil rolls his wrist as he screws his face up

Guest: Shoe?

Basil: No, erm... foot. Yes. While I'm trying to run a hotel here. Have you any idea of how much there is to do?! Do you every think of that? Of course not! You're too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking about for things to complain about, aren't you?! Well, let me tell you something, this is exactly how... (Basil lowers his pointed finger of fury) sorry, my mind's gone blank.

Guest 2: Totalitarian communism began?

Guest 3: The Epsom Derby?

Basil: No-no. It is was... (Pinches bridge of his nose with head lowered) Ohhh. No, it's gone.

Major: Ahhh! I remember what you did with that money in some other episode, Fawlty. You won it on the horse called Hotdog.

Violins: ZINGY-ZINGY-ZUM-HUM-DUM.

[DangledTeeth]

  OFAH

Int. Trotters' Flat

Rodney enters in his work suit and sits on a chair

Rodney: Fuck me, mate! Tough day at the rat race. What's for dinner?

Del: Oh, I dunno, Rodney. A horseshit sandwich, most likely.

Rodney: That'll do me.

Del: Can I say sammink to you? Give you a bit of advice that'll hold you in good stead in the future...

Rodney: Yeah, emit your noise.

Del: It's just that, well, how can I put it?

Del crouches to Rodney's eye level

Rodney: Well, wha'?

Del momentarily has his mouth open

Del: Oh-I-dunnaoh! The dipstick words have escaped me. Gordon fuckin' Bennett!

End Theme: We've got some half-price thingybobs and David Boeing LPs, pools chains, gold games, and... *Sound of microphone dropping* oh, fuck it! Gonna have to do it again. Can never remember that bit.

[Gregory Torso]

(The cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. are standing around in their living room, which is very brightly lit and garish. Because it is the 1990s, they all look shit and funny, just like everything that happened before now is shit and funny-looking.

They are standing there looking at each other, confused and anxious.)

CHANDLER: So... here we are then... the friends.

JOEY: Yeah... (long pause) I probably... just had sex there, back there, in my room, you know?

CHANDLER: Oh, no doubt, and then... I'd say something here... it wouldn't be...

MONICA: Funny.

CHANDLER: Right. It wouldn't be funny, but I'd say it... in a way that... made it sound funny...

PHEOBE: Yes, you would over emphasise the words... and I'd be... I'd be over here... saying... (very long pause)

MONICA (frantically whispering): Annoying kooky shit!

PHOEBE: Annoying kooky shit!

(Another long pause as the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. stare in horror at each other's floundering expressions)

ROSS: Rachel. Yes.

RACHEL: Yes. Ross.

ROSS: Um... can't...

CHANDLER: Could it be... any more... like... this... be any more awkward... I...

(A midnight black velvet curtain falls over them. Sombre, funereal fiddle music begins to play. There are no credits.)

[Bazooka]

One Foot In The Grave

Victor Meldrew: I completely believe it.

[willpurry]

The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin

CJ :  I didn't obtain my current societal status by doing whatever it was that Reggie just suggested.

[Gregory Torso]

German soldier: "Vot iss your name?!"

Captain Mainwaring: "Don't tell him... um... thingy. Bob, is it?"

[willpurry]

Pike:  I, um, probably accidentally let Captain Colonel Square's men see where we are by, er, somehow setting fire to your bivouac.  So now they'll probably throw water bombs at us.  And we'll be all soaked and it wlll say "This programme has been called".

Mainwaring:  You obtuse bastard.

[Glebe]

DAVID JASON: This time next year, we'll be... we'll be...

NICHOLAS LYNDHURST (under his breath): come on, come on, David, you can do it...

JASON: ...we'll be... we'll be... OH FUCK IT, givvus a look at the script... 'MILLIONAIRES', that's it!

AUDIENCE: OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!

JASON: Don't know why you lot are so surprized, I say it nearly every episode!

LYNDHURST: ...And you always mess it up. They're shocked cos you said the 'F' word.

JOHN SULLIVAN: I think it's going well out there... they're literally crying with emotion!

GARETH GWENLAN: They're crying with shock, John. Crying with shock.

[Delete Delete Delete]

Frank Spencer: Ow Betty The Cat has done er.... A Giant Shit!

[Bazooka]

Last of the Summer Wine...........

[DangledTeeth]

Tony: Dibby-de-dah-dibby-de-dah... Dib-uh-naaagh.

Tony lowers his acoustic guitar and thoughtfully frowns at the ceiling

Tony: No, that's right.

Tony strides across to the phone

Tony (On phone): Hi Debs, what's your first name again?

Deborah: Go away, Tony.

[willpurry]

Last of the Summer Wine...........

Smiler:  I 'ate you, Butler.
Compo:  No,  I'm Compo.
Clegg:  Perhaps you are actually a butler in this one, in some harebrained scheme of Foggy's.  You're dressed for it.
Compo: Nah, this clobber were just to impress Nora,  who I sometimes appear to be in love with and sometimes am only flirting with in an attempt to alleviate boredom.
Hobbo:  I was once Her Majesty's top agent, as I was telling the library woman.
Clegg:  Fuck off.  You're not in it yet.

[Replies From View]

Wallace:  Well, the time has come for me to join the cast of Last of the Summer Wine, for I am old now, and this is what always happens.

Gromit:  .....



Wallace:  Psst!  Your line is to not say anything, Gromit!

Gromit:  I KNOW THAT I WAS PAUSING FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT, FUCK

Nick Park:  CUT!

Steve Box:  Why did we spend three months animating this?

[petril]

EARLY DOORS

JOE sups a pint, looks at DUFFY.

DUFFY looks back at JOE, mouths "what", then shrugs

JOE opens his mouth, then stops. DUFFY sups at his pint

the two look at each other, then look away, confused

JOE takes another drink; DUFFY looks bemused and stares at his own, at the half way mark

JOE: ...is it my go?

DUFFY: dunno...

WISTFUL ACOUSTIC STRUMMING

[Gregory Torso]

COSTANZA (sliding across the floor like a defrosting turkey): Jerry! I did something very Georgelike!

SEINFELD: Oh man, what was it. I can't wait to know.

COSTANZA: I called a pigeon the n word.

SEINFELD: No you didn't.

COSTANZA: I summoned a homonculus in the middle of Sainsburys.

SEINFELD: Nope, that's not it.

COSTANZA: Aw c'mon Jerry, gimme a clue.

SEINFELD (gurning like a twat): I don't think so!

COSTANZA: I just saw Morrisey outside the Serbian Embassy and accidentally threw a chip fork into his eyeball.

SEINFELD (sitting down on his leather couch, kicking up his immaculate white trainers and crossing his hands behind his fuzzy coiffered hair): This is gonna be fun!

[Replies From View]

*KREAMER ENTERS SIDEWAYS LIKE COCK*

*AUDIENCE ROARS WITH CHEERING*

*KREAMER GOES BLANK*

[Shaky]

CAPT PEACOCK: Mr Hurmphries, are you currently available to attend to this customer?

MR HURMPHRIES: Yes, I am currently available to attend to that customer.

(vaults athletically over the counter)

MR HURMPHRIES: Ooh, where has said customer gone?

MISS BRAHMS: Yeah, he was 'ere a minute ago!

(distant, muffled scream)

MRS SLOCOMBE: I think my insatiable pet vagina ate him.

LAZY MALE COCKNEY EMPLOYEE (28) PLAYED BY 47 YEAR OLD SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR: Gordon Bennett, not again!

FERAL LOST CHILD: Oh shit.

(the lift dings and it's doors open to reveal YOUNG MR GRACE'S corpse being slapped by MR RUMBOLD)

YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING...

[Glebe]

EDITH: But Rene, you were in the arms of that girl!

RENE: You stupid... erm... erm...

DIRECTOR: Take #58.

[DangledTeeth]

Barrister: I call to the stand Albert Gladstone Joorinuwaw Trotter.

Wheelchair-bound Albert is conveyed to the stand, where he goes to rise in order to pledge his sincerity

Judge: No need to stand, Mr Trotter. You're supposed to be disabled. Hand on The Chronicles of Jesus, read aloud from the card.

Albert: Ar swear-a tell the troof, the 'hole troof, and naffink baht the troof.

Barrister: Are you Albert 'Jumping awf of things' Trotter of Nelson Mandela House?

Albert: Ar think sao, sahn.

Barrister: Have you suffered from any bouts of amnesia before?

Albert: I can't remembah!

Sullivan: Buster's not meant to say that, but let's keep it in there.

[Glebe]

'GENIAL' HARRY GROUT: You in there, Fletcher? Fletcher?

RONNIE BARKER: ...