Author Topic: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!  (Read 296 times)

Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« on: May 15, 2019, 09:02:35 AM »
Help a guy out, my Mum has swallowed a bomb by mistake, I'm on the phone to her now. I know there are many qualified surgeons on this site, I know nothing of the trade, I need you to give me simple step by step instructions that I can relay to her, so she can perform surgery on herself and extract the bomb from her gut.

1. Told her to bite down hard on a spoon so she doesn't scream and wake my Dad.

What next? Thanx.

pancreas

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Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2019, 09:06:03 AM »
2. Swallow concrete to encase bomb. We'll worry about how to get it out later.

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2019, 09:12:00 AM »
3. Put Mum near a black hole so time slows down and delays detonation. Side effect is that she might get spaghettified by the very strong non-homogeneous gravitational field.

But I suppose you could knit the strands back together if that happens.

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2019, 09:21:06 AM »
What kind of bomb is it? If it's one of the round, black ones or a stick of dynamite, simply make her drink lots of water to extinguish the fizzing fuse. Surgery would be unnecessary in this care.

Obviously, make sure that her anus is fully clean. You wouldn't want a crusty balloon knot to rub against the fuse, creating a spark to reignite it when she passes it the next day.

seepage

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Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2019, 09:21:38 AM »
your mum don't half like to swallow things, don't she? tsk.

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2019, 09:24:16 AM »
Timer must stop on 007

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2019, 09:34:39 AM »
What kind of bomb is it? If it's one of the round, black ones or a stick of dynamite, simply make her drink lots of water to extinguish the fizzing fuse. Surgery would be unnecessary in this care.

Obviously, make sure that her anus is fully clean. You wouldn't want a crusty balloon knot to rub against the fuse, creating a spark to reignite it when she passes it the next day.

Thanks for all the sound advice so far, she just told me she doesn't know exactly what type of bomb it is because it was dark when she swallowed it, said it felt a bit like a torpedo and tastes of rusted nails. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!

canadagoose

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Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2019, 09:42:47 AM »
Mate have you tried the green wire?

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2019, 09:49:10 AM »
Don't take this the wrong way, 'cos I know she's your mum and all that, but perhaps destroying her in a controlled explosion might be the best option here?

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2019, 10:23:12 AM »
Don't mean to be crude but could you bum it out of her? Worked for me recently when my son swallowed a frisbee.

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2019, 12:24:23 PM »
Shoot her in the back of the head.

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2019, 12:29:59 PM »
Shoot her in the back of the head.

According to blood tests, her heart beat is the only thing preventing the device from blowing up! Terrible situation, but solid advice, I'll run it by her.

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2019, 12:32:48 PM »
My mum had the bomb inside her but then I was born. Because I'm THE BOMB! Get it?

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2019, 12:35:02 PM »
Okay you'll need:

Turmeric
Cumin
Masala
Salt
Ginger


Mix all that together in a big cup of water and quickly but carefully introduce it into her anus.

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2019, 12:44:07 PM »
My mum had the bomb inside her but then I was born. Because I'm THE BOMB! Get it?

I get this

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2019, 12:55:50 PM »

Pingers

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Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2019, 07:48:36 PM »
If she shits it out, it will be a Dirty Bomb. There, I think that should be sufficient, but if you need further information then do not hesitate to contact me. No hesitation, got that? Can't afford to fanny about.

Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2019, 11:56:52 PM »
Okay you'll need:

Turmeric
Cumin
Masala
Salt
Ginger


Mix all that together in a big cup of water and quickly but carefully introduce it into her anus.

Sounds fool proof, but I'm not there in person, I'm relaying all this information to her over the phone, are you willing to go there for me?

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!
« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2019, 03:50:14 AM »
Controlled explosion in the bog. Only way mate. Act of kindness.