Mate my Mum has swallowed a bomb, HELP!

[Bazooka]

Help a guy out, my Mum has swallowed a bomb by mistake, I'm on the phone to her now. I know there are many qualified surgeons on this site, I know nothing of the trade, I need you to give me simple step by step instructions that I can relay to her, so she can perform surgery on herself and extract the bomb from her gut.

1. Told her to bite down hard on a spoon so she doesn't scream and wake my Dad.

What next? Thanx.

[pancreas]

2. Swallow concrete to encase bomb. We'll worry about how to get it out later.

[rasta-spouse]

3. Put Mum near a black hole so time slows down and delays detonation. Side effect is that she might get spaghettified by the very strong non-homogeneous gravitational field.

But I suppose you could knit the strands back together if that happens.

[Huxleys Babkins]

What kind of bomb is it? If it's one of the round, black ones or a stick of dynamite, simply make her drink lots of water to extinguish the fizzing fuse. Surgery would be unnecessary in this care.

Obviously, make sure that her anus is fully clean. You wouldn't want a crusty balloon knot to rub against the fuse, creating a spark to reignite it when she passes it the next day.

[seepage]

your mum don't half like to swallow things, don't she? tsk.

[Registering to lurk]

Timer must stop on 007

[Bazooka]

What kind of bomb is it? If it's one of the round, black ones or a stick of dynamite, simply make her drink lots of water to extinguish the fizzing fuse. Surgery would be unnecessary in this care.

Obviously, make sure that her anus is fully clean. You wouldn't want a crusty balloon knot to rub against the fuse, creating a spark to reignite it when she passes it the next day.

Thanks for all the sound advice so far, she just told me she doesn't know exactly what type of bomb it is because it was dark when she swallowed it, said it felt a bit like a torpedo and tastes of rusted nails. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!

[canadagoose]

Mate have you tried the green wire?

[Huxleys Babkins]

Don't take this the wrong way, 'cos I know she's your mum and all that, but perhaps destroying her in a controlled explosion might be the best option here?

[poo]

Don't mean to be crude but could you bum it out of her? Worked for me recently when my son swallowed a frisbee.

[Lord Mandrake]

Shoot her in the back of the head.

[Bazooka]

Shoot her in the back of the head.

According to blood tests, her heart beat is the only thing preventing the device from blowing up! Terrible situation, but solid advice, I'll run it by her.

[sponk]

My mum had the bomb inside her but then I was born. Because I'm THE BOMB! Get it?

[bgmnts]

Okay you'll need:

Turmeric
Cumin
Masala
Salt
Ginger


Mix all that together in a big cup of water and quickly but carefully introduce it into her anus.

[rasta-spouse]

My mum had the bomb inside her but then I was born. Because I'm THE BOMB! Get it?

I get this

[sponk]

I get this

He gets it

[Pingers]

If she shits it out, it will be a Dirty Bomb. There, I think that should be sufficient, but if you need further information then do not hesitate to contact me. No hesitation, got that? Can't afford to fanny about.

[Bazooka]

Okay you'll need:

Turmeric
Cumin
Masala
Salt
Ginger


Mix all that together in a big cup of water and quickly but carefully introduce it into her anus.

Sounds fool proof, but I'm not there in person, I'm relaying all this information to her over the phone, are you willing to go there for me?

[Ferris]

Controlled explosion in the bog. Only way mate. Act of kindness.