Author Topic: Virtual Reality  (Read 402 times)

castro diaz

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Virtual Reality
« on: May 16, 2019, 04:31:12 PM »
Hey Flatheads.  Oi square-eyes.  You there, binary boy.

I wonder if I could take a few minutes of your time to talk to you all about Virtual Reality.  Not that song by behatted cunt and embodiment of the decade we all spent going wahey (which now looks oddly quaint from our current shale precipice), but instead the futurebox you put on your head that contains all three dimensions, the seven colours known to man and giant forty-foot-high Czech girls bending.  To that end I thought I'd degrade myself and write this in an amount of dimensions your Piraha brain could cope with, as I step of out the great VR lake, still dripping with glorious synesthesia, before towelling off and sitting on a plastic sun lounger to ready myself for the reality you choose to 'live' on, down here on the narrow steppe, where everything comes in twos.  It'll be like explaining kiteboarding to Helen Keller, I suppose.

You will have to forgive the house style but it is not often I find something I like and I haven't got anyone to talk to it about apart from the whole world, so I don't.  It is an especially surprising new hobby for me as I instinctively resent The New and effectively decided to live with a garden bucket on my head about seven years ago.  But Virtual Reality is genuinely one of the only things that make me grateful to live in the now and here, however petulant and cosseted that sounds.  Technology! it seems has advanced at an exponential and dizzying rate in the last decade and although I will concede a lazy admiration for humanity's ability to create and refine, I don't actually give a fuck about any of it and if anything it alarms me and makes me sad that we don't seem to be living in the same world that I grew up in.  This feels particularly keen as I had a row with Britain and when I come back, as I am now, everyone is suddenly vaping Monster energy drinks and nan listens to The Archers on a roomba. 

Up until experiencing VR I would have much more aligned myself with the simple forest folk of cult documentary The Moon and The Sledgehammer, which follows a harmless (ignoring the gender imbalance and the furtive cruelty hidden in the thicket) family of deranged rurals who live a self-imposed exile from the modern world, cloaked in grease and clanking about with spanners astride chugging, rusted monoliths to the Iron Age, staring at the sky with the defiant and wistful claim that 'steam will come back in, you'll see'. 

If there is a single conclusion from the film it is that, to quote the mad old cunt at the centre of it all, man will invent things to destroy hisself.  And while that is probably quite an astute observation, especially from a man with metal shoes, who gives a fuck if it means I can work away on the heavy bag whilst the actual (soundalike) Rocky Balboa shouts cliches at me as I throw punishing right hooks in preparation for fight night next week in a Tijuana dive.

By now I am a card carrying convert.  An evangelical sinner.  Fearless in devotion, unquestioning in my fervour.  Hot in the head.  It is fucking brilliant, mates.  The sense of immersion is unparalleled.  It is an inherently self-defeating sensation to try and describe.  Feelings are so much more enjoyable than thoughts.  And as such they are ethereal and blind, fluffy magic soon disappeared like Angel Delight, and for me and me alone.  No matter how hard I try to tart around with words, using theasurus.com to find eight antiquated synonyms for 'good', it will never really transmit how experiences like those I've had in VR make me feel.  You are inside the fucking game.  The game is in your head.  You are in the cockpit of a hoverpod looping round a corner at a million kilometres, firing off cannons that just catch the tail of first place.  You are in an abattoir, slowing crawling forwards in dreadful inches as crazed demi-men with pigs heads run at you and you're holding an actual gun in each of your actual hands but you haven't got enough bullets or limbs to get them all and the last thing you see is little white triangles biting you to death.  Or you are in a firefight on an alien's moon and you take cover behind a red rock as the lasers stream overhead, on your actual knees lest you get got, not daring to peek out, so flail a desperate, contorted arm over your actual head and blindfire wilding with an actual gun hoping you at least let them know you're a threat.  The word I've used here a hundred times yet not enough is 'in'.  You are IN it.  IN it you are.  In In bloody IN.  You've stepped into the television like a schoolgirl in a Japanese horror.  You are no longer telling a pixelated little cunt avatar what to do.  You are doing what you want to do.  You are the little cunt.  You're the avatar and your brain is the player and there is invisible lightning quick division between the two.

I have tried to play a bit of flatscreen gaming since, having spent an amount of money I now regret on Red Dead Redemption 2.  Aside from games being too big for someone who doesn't have much free time and too much like work for someone who believes work is a betrayal of the self, I just can not make myself give the smallest of fucks about it, and I'll just let it sit and die in my memory.  I'm sure it’s great and everything.  Pristine graphics, gritty characterisation, superlative voice acting and cinematic world-building that encapsulates a bygone time we'll never get back, all set to a deft, magnificent score.   I don't care.  Fuck knows how people play those types of games and keep an actual job.  I only work two days a week and I can't be fucked to take off my coat when I get in.  And that's to say nothing of most big, modern games.  With their grinding, play-to-win and microtransactions.  Fuck that son, I'll be doing a tetris on a hundred-foot wall of fire whilst inside a fucking Native American prayer circle as Cheyenne horses gallop around me to a euphoric techno beat and tribal elders chant to their dead gods.

Held against that, Red Dead and even my beloved Rocket League feel like playing the game at a distance.  A remove.  A vast, stretched-out chasm between me and the game.  Like trying to make love through a mosquito net.  Post-VR, normal videogames are like trying to impress someone by taking them to Drayton Manor for the day but the person you're taking is Neil Armstrong and he's been to the actual fucking galaxy mate and you're trying to sell him the Shockwave but he's having none of it, not even when you tell him it’s the UK's only standing rollercoaster and although no longer sponsored by 7up if you look closely you can still see some of the branding and he just looks and you blankly and bellows in a flat baritone the word 'mmmmooooooooon' for a whole minute.

There is nothing, this side of my front door at least, that I want to escape from, but I almost always feel the urge to dive deep.  This shit is depression Kryptonite.  Boredom booze.  Circumstance fluoxetine.  It genuinely feels like you melt through the floor and into another realm.  One where you are on holiday but don't feel like a tourist.  Like when you take hallucinogens and even though years might have passed since your last trip, you're back in that same warm and pink cave.  Home again.  Hello home.  Virtual Reality also has the benefit of not leading to permanent brain damage to which has to be another positive for me, Clive.  I go up to bed an hour or two after my girlfriend on the nights I'm not trying to keep the relationship alive and when I lay there in the dark, four little snores soothing me to sleep and dampening down the surreal adrenaline, it really does feel like I've been somewhere else for a long while and have only just walked through the door.


Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2019, 04:50:17 PM »
Wait til you try shmups mate.

Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2019, 12:36:50 AM »
Which VR rig do you have? I've been tempted by the new cordless Oculus Quest, though I'm actually sort of more interested in VR video than games, and I don't know how far the graphics have gotten at this point.

Jerzy Bondov

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Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2019, 02:31:00 PM »
Which VR rig do you have? I've been tempted by the new cordless Oculus Quest, though I'm actually sort of more interested in VR video than games, and I don't know how far the graphics have gotten at this point.

Porn.

Chollis

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Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2019, 03:17:14 PM »
yes come on what's the porn like

imitationleather

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Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2019, 04:10:32 PM »
If I watched VR porn I'd be really worried about one of my cats jumping on me while I am "locked in to the experience".

St_Eddie

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Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2019, 10:19:57 PM »
If I watched VR porn I'd be really worried about one of my cats jumping on me while I am "locked in to the experience".

At least VR porn would negate the nuisance of my cat looking at me whilst I'm jacking off and putting me off my stroke.

Bloody cats and their judgemental eyes of shame.

castro diaz

  • What's behind the egg?
Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 01:43:10 PM »
I don't look at porn for fear of being cancelled but I saw your step-dad down the tip the other day and he was telling me how technologically impressive it was but that it feels a bit like actual adultery so he stopped after the sixth or seventh go.  He was also perplexed as to why there was always a piping hot cup of tea next to him when he removed the helmet.

Which VR rig do you have? I've been tempted by the new cordless Oculus Quest, though I'm actually sort of more interested in VR video than games, and I don't know how far the graphics have gotten at this point.

I have the PSVR.  It is, as my dad would say, a great bit of kit.  It is a phrase he has subsumed from spending his retirement watching survivalist videos on Youtube.  Because the ones he watches are filmed by British middle-aged men they feature no armoury or underground bunker in the Utah desert like you would find on the American internet, but instead are made by blokes called Bazza or Kev eating sausages in tinfoil two miles away from a layby.

Playstation's take on VR is probably at the cheaper and less powerful end of the market (that market ignores headsets that are essentially a mobile phone taped to your head) but has I think the best library of games, although probably not 'experiences'.   It is also built upon Sony's very fliud and succesful console, so expect flawless multiplayer, solid peripherals, studio support and established game franchises moving over to VR.  Resident Evil 7, Borderlands 2, Dirt Rally and Rez Infinite have all been ported across, or, in the case of Skyrim and the exceptional John Wick simulator Superhot, been entirely rebuilt from the ground up specifically for VR. 

Visually it's not as crisp as the Rift or the Vive, but far cheaper and my eulogising about it is at least partially based on how unfairly ignored it seems to be by mainstream games media and the wider public in general.  Why every Playstation owner hasn't bought one baffles me.  I got mine last year for £170 bundled with the system's best exclusive Astrobot, a platformer I haven't played yet because I fear it'll make previously enjoyable games seem a little lacking by comparison.  And also I like to defer pleasure which is why I still haven't been to a Center Parks. 

For an 80/90s kid brought up solely on mother's milk and the future promise of Virtual Reality playing in actual VR like were told we could has been responsible for most of the best gaming experiences of my life and the only thing I wasn't lied to about.  It is also, I think, ridiculously good value.  The games too are almost always on sale and as they tend to be shorter in length (which is ideal for me as a centrist dad) are far cheaper than most big budget videogames anyway.  The most I've ever paid has been £18 for the recent Red Matter, a first person puzzle adventure where you investigate the vanishing of a crew of cosmonauts in a 1950s space station.  A Soviet Marie Celeste amongst the stars which sounds right up strasse and something I am looking forward to playing in 2024.

Here is a video review of it by the excellent syntactic cripple Polish Paul who I like a great deal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsjDSDOnRfU&list=PLfG-BorohBEXDS6KOptj6thHFH7mZBnKN&index=29&t=0s

When I do get around to playing it I plan to write a short review on the toilet walls of The Boston Crab's gaming pub.  Until then here are some pretty pictures I don't know how to resize to accompany the games I talked about in my previous post that nobody read.

Red Matter

...a first person puzzle adventure where you investigate the vanishing of a crew of cosmonauts in a 1950s space station.  A Soviet Marie Celeste amongst the stars which sounds right up strasse and something I am looking forward to playing in 2024.



Creed

...who gives a fuck if it means I can work away on the heavy bag whilst the actual (soundalike) Rocky Balboa shouts cliches at me as I throw punishing right hooks in preparation for fight night next week in a Tijuana dive.




Farpoint

Or you are in a firefight on an alien's moon and you take cover behind a red rock as the lasers stream overhead, on your actual knees lest you get got, not daring to peek out, so flail a desperate, contorted arm over your actual head and blindfire wildly with an actual gun hoping you at least let them know you're a threat.




Wipeout

You are in the cockpit of a hoverpod looping round a corner at a million kilometres, firing off cannons that just catch the tail of first place.



Until Dawn: Rush of Blood

You are in an abattoir, slowly crawling forwards in dreadful inches as crazed demi-men with pigs heads run at you and you're holding an actual gun in each of your actual hands but you haven't got enough bullets or limbs to get them all and the last thing you see is little white triangles biting you to death.


   

Red Dead Redemption 2

That's what I said when I saw you come in.  I said 'That's a lovely amount of dimensions for a videogame'.  I've got nothing against your two dimensions.  The trouble is, neither have you.



Tetris

I'll be doing a tetris on a hundred-foot wall of fire whilst inside a fucking Native American prayer circle as Cheyenne horses gallop around me to a euphoric techno beat and tribal elders chant to their dead gods.



Astrobot

...the system's best exclusive Astrobot, a platformer I haven't played yet because I fear it'll make previously enjoyable games seem a little lacking by comparison.




Farpoint, by the way, is best played with a light gun called the Aim controller.  Whilst it does admittedly look like the armrest in a disabled toilet it's pinpoint accurate and it feels amazing to hold up to your face when you want to look down the scope or feel the controller vibrate as you pump bullets into the air to whilst screaming about man's inhumanity to man.  A phenomenal shooter that combines a moving story about isolation and hope with giant spiders that try to jump in your mouth.

Is this cool?



Yes.
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 03:48:52 PM by castro diaz »

imitationleather

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Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #8 on: Today at 12:42:35 AM »
At least VR porn would negate the nuisance of my cat looking at me whilst I'm jacking off and putting me off my stroke.

Bloody cats and their judgemental eyes of shame.

Tell me about it. I wasn't sure if it was just mine or if all cats do that but I didn't want to Google "man kitten masturbation voyeurism" or start a thread called "Is it normal for cats to want to watch their owner masturbate?" on a pet forum to find out.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Virtual Reality
« Reply #9 on: Today at 02:02:18 AM »
This all looks great to be fair.

$500 for the whizzbang goggles and another few hundred notes on games though? Couldn’t really justify that on such an esoteric purchase. Such is life.

Will get one eventually, and hide it in the basement.