Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 02:31:24 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Write Your Own Nathan Barley Episode!

Started by TJ, March 12, 2005, 08:57:26 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

TJ

[Morning in Claire's flat. Dan gets up, looks toward the window with bleary eyes for a couple of seconds, then goes and checks the answering machine]

Answering Machine Message: [playing over a 'mash-up' of Ministry's 'Jesus Built My Hotrod', Thin Lizzy's 'Sarah', Atlantic Starr's 'Always' and a looped sample of Michael Alexander St.John getting annoyed about that yoghurt advert in that outtake] Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Assssssssssssshcrooooooooooooooooooooooft! Dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Ashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhcroft! Preachermaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

[DAN REACTS]

Godzilla Bankrolls

DAN: Claire, can I borrow some money please?

[CLAIRE REACTS]

Village Branson

[Cut to Nathan in High Street on whatever the trendiest lightweight plastic gimmicky mode of transport is at date of filming. Nathan is talking very loudly on his handsfree set]

NATHAN: Awright flippa? Attendage at Klorine's tonight? Yeah? Thwack!

[sound of baby crying interspersed with wet chopping noise]

NATHAN: Hang on I got a call on the back line, Yeah?

[presses button on his phone]
[sound of nazi rally shouting zeig heil followed by a long orgasmic porno moan]

NATHAN: Speak.
DAN: It's me.
NATHAN: Preach! Whats up n**ger?

[a young black man with a WHITE girlfriend is walking past, he looks over to signify how inapropirate this comment is... and his girlfriends WHITE.]

DAN: Just wondered if you fancied coming round tonight to watch some videos and have a drink?
NATHAN: ...er...isn't that a bit out of character, yeah?
DAN: It really doesn't matter anymore

[mark heap runs into shot stark naked with his nob up a fake pony]

skibz

(Cut to NATHAN dressed up as Mr. T, drinking milk from a bottle shaped like a cow's udder. CLAIRE ASHCROFT walks into the room)

CLAIRE: Hi, Nathan, I really like Mr. T!

NATHAN: (pointing at her) I pity the fool!

CLAIRE: Oh fuck off, you cunt.

(CHRIS MORRIS jumps onto the set, lops NATHAN's head off with an axe and kicks CLAIRE in the tits)

MORRIS: If this were really happening, what would you think?

(MORRIS then apologises for making such an awful show, hands back his fee, and promises to try harder next time)

Jon_Norton

[Start of episode - this bit very obviously added at the last minute to get the "topical" Prince Harry references in]

CHRIS MORRIS V/O: Nazi chic - the new celebrity craze... [montage of images, part old 1930s footage, part newspaper front pages from January, pictures of Siouxsie Sioux and old punks with Nazi armbands, and pictures of Spike Milligan]

[5 minutes into "story"....]

[DAN enters JONATTON YEAH?'s office]

JY: Preacher man... I've got a new assignment that's a bit....miaow... [clicks on video, which shows a very obvious pastiche of the Aaron Barschak business from 2or3 years ago, but with the twist that's he's a COMEDY NAZI, not a "comedy terrorist". Hence the Morris bit was added at the start of the show, to get the topicality in]

JY: This guy, Angstrom Baaker, the "comedy Nazi", he was a bit...neighhh....

DAN [defeated expression]: His Edinburgh show filed for bankruptcy after 2 days, and he was sued by the venue because he didn't turn up himself [NB. this doesn't actually make any sense, but it sounds funny, a bit. Oh, fuck you - CM]

JY: Yeah.... but he was at the crest of the whole wave of stuff that's going on now, and that makes it a bit.... too-woo, too-woo [makes seagull impression with hands]....

DAN: So what - do you want me to dress up as a Nazi, for another outrageously stupiud feature article?

JY: Yeah.... I thought you could imitate that Keith Moon, who went into a one-legged tailoring shop dressed as a Nazi tarzan. He was the fackin' maaan.... he was.... woof woof

[DAN does that twitchy face thing he does when someone says something silly]

TJ

Quote from: "skibz"(MORRIS then apologises for making such an awful show, hands back his fee, and promises to try harder next time)

Audience: When's "Morons From Outer Space" on?

skibz

Ah, that's where it's from! I wasn't sure if it was something I'd made up, or just a memory of something I'd seen years ago...

Regular John

AYOADE: (sounding as forced as rape) Yeah, what he said!

gazzyk1ns

Dan walks into the SugaRAPE offices to see the two "idiots" sniggering at their PCs. He walks over to see what they're doing.

IDIOT 1: Yo, Dan, check this shit out - it's well jugular!

DAN: Wha... (long reaction)

We now see their PC screens. They show pictures of various pairs of breasts.

IDIOT 2: See all of these? It's a game, right, only one of these tits has a cancer in it and you have to guess which. It's totally pavement!

The idiot ponders for a moment and then clicks on one of the pictures. We see an elaborate animation with some kind of mash-up playing in the background - the idiot has clearly got it wrong.

DAN: ("disgusted" expression)

Regular John

AYOADE: (sounding as forced as rape) Yeah, decidedly Pimlico!

Jon_Norton

[DAN is walking down Hosegate high street dressed in full Waffen SS outfit.]

[Cut to some greasy spoon]

SKINHEAD#1: Eh, that's well jackson! That's totally Irving!

SKINHEAD#2: Wow, he's the maaaan! He's our man!

SKINHEAD#3: He should be our teacher.... preacher... PREACHERMAN!!!

[The 3 skinheads start following DAN down the road, chanting "Preacherman!" behind him].

[Inevitably, DAN reacts]

hansen mork

Claire: Wheres me money
Dan: I'll get it for you

Nathan: you want to fuck me, yeah?
Claire: No
Nathan: Yeah you do
(Claire shakes head in disgust)

Dan: I need money
JY?: Do this article on stuff you don't like
Dan: ok.

Dan: I couldnt do me job
Jy?: oh dear.

Nathan: I thold Claire she wanted to fuck me
Idiots: Yeah? thats well really good.

End credits intersliced with...

Claire sees Nathan laughing with idiots about her and shakes head.

how did you get a preview copy of episode 6 hansen?

hansen mork

I found the script at a car boot sale. It was written in coloured crayons.

shykitten

opening shot scrolling through messages on the Trashbat website guestbook. 'convincing' computer graphics and layout etc.

"hi trahsbat kewl site, im glittermonkey have my own site here [link], same sort of artfuck stuff as yours have a look tell me wot u fink. keep on. out."

"hey Nathan got any pix of Dajve's snatch? msn me."

and so on...

cut to NATHAN looking at screen reading messages, smiling. "lethal."

next to him CLAIRE looks wooden. tries to convey disapproval.

NATHAN: "what Clairechunks?"

CLAIRE: [cartoon misery face] "how sad are those people?"

NATHAN: [casually] "well what about you, you dumb parasite?"

CLAIRE: "whaaa?! you can't say that!"

NATHAN: "why not?"

CLAIRE: "its not in the script."

NATHAN: "erm... yeah... script. like, totally. sorry." [looks away, concerned, at someone offscreen. awkward pause.]

next scene: DAN at office desk, pouring lighter fluid over his genitals.

The Duck Man

Pingu: I was called the best Hamlet in a generation! What am I doing in this shit?

Jon_Norton

[DAN arrives at the SugaRape clubnight in his SS uniform, having clearly been pelted with eggs and shit on the way. An entire crowd of skinheads are now following him]

RICHARD AYAOADE: Totally Goering! That's a wise move, Preacherman!

THE OTHER ONE: Yeah! What he said!

JONATTON YEAH?: So you didn't want to do the assignment after all?

DAN [twitchy face]: Wha- what was the assignment? I thought this was the assignment...

JY: Well if you hadn't stormed out of my office so abruptly...

[DAN mouths a protest, because he didn't storm out of the office]

JY:... you'd have heard me say I wanted you to review this [holds up a programme for a new West End production of the 'Allo 'Allo stage show]


DAN: Doh!

EVERYONE ELSE: You stupid fucker!!!



[END CREDITS: "Laughing at spastics Charlie Brooker & Chris Morris Dan Julian Barratt His tedious sister Clare Chegwin Nathan Barley Simon Hopeful Jonatton Yeah? Charlie Talented Hateface Montego Richard Ayoade Prickvoice Trilby Fuck knows The One That Was In Teachers The One That Was In Teachers Script consultants Bob & Barbara Boulton Producer Kate Thornton"]

Interspersed with Nathan doing the David Brent dance.

Godzilla Bankrolls

QuoteDan: I need money
JY?: Do this article on stuff you don't like
Dan: ok.

Thanks hansen and Munday's, you have actually made me laugh more than I did at the series.

Labian Quest

It really shouldn't be this easy to take the piss out of a Chris Morris show, keep doing it though, it's well irreverent!

Jon_Norton

TRAILER FOR THE NEXT EPISODE. VIDEO FOOTAGE.

DAN: So Jonatton told me to write this feature about a production company who film pensioners having enemas and then play them during DJ sets by Fatboy Slim. But I've decided for once to just make it all up and not bother going through any tedious humiliation.

NATHAN: Brilliant! Well Jackson!

DAN: Yes, but very shortly there will be some sort of development that will make you comicly change your opinion completely.

NATHAN: Oh no! What a fucker!

DAN: And then you'll change it back for some other reason, I dunno, Clare walks in.

[CLARE walks in]

NATHAN: That's totally 9/11! Mega!


CHANNEL 4 V/O: Nathan Barley 10pm Fridays, the pubs are still open...[/i]

Sexton Brackets Drugbust

Dan enters Jonatton Yeah?s office

DA: Look, I really need a cash.
JY: (screws face up) ...and...?
DA: (REACTS then shakes head) Anything. I will write anything!
JY: ...Even when (puts on baby voice) you don't like it?

Dan nods, Yeah? Hands him a folder

DA: Wha... ah... but.. I..

Yeah? emits a slow gurgle as Dan turns and storms out of office

Cut to Nathan on bus
His phone goes off with the sound of his mates congratulating his recent paedophilia

NB: Alright you pale greasy arsefuck.... Yeah... what, no Claire just looks aghast and shakes her head these days.

Nathan sees Dan out the window down an alley

NB: Hang on cockspray, I just seen Preach.  Keep it Chesney!

Nathan forces the bus driver to stop and gets off the bus

Bus Driver: I don't know, that Nathan Barley. (To camera) Him and his accursed breed need a satirical show to shame them for the idiots they are.

Nathan runs up to Dan down the alley

NB: Dan Dan the preacher man! How the fuck are you?
DA: (sounds agitated) Go away
NB: Yeah, no probs.  Just gotta ask, can you...
DA: GO AWAY
NB: What's up preach?

Nathan looks and sees Dan is fucking a pigeon.

NB: Nice one preach! Dove of peace... on your piece! Featherlite!  Once more you show us the way!
DA: REACTS No...

Nathan takes a picture

NB: Wait till those pull blinds cop a load of this!

Nathan runs off.  Dan looks at camera

DA: Little does Nathan realise, I'm not actually enjoying this at all.  I've simply slipped so far into my depression that I have no respect for myself at all, and will do anything that Jonatton Yeah? says.

Credits roll

Dan enters Sugarape offices, everyone has dead pigeons on their crotches.  Dan rolls his eyes and enters JY? sanctum.

DA: What was the article I had to write anyway?  Why did I have to shag that pigeon up the arse?
JY: Last week we did Paedos and puffs, this week... Bestiality. Fuck it, we're edgy.
DA: What kind of editor are you?
JY: Oh I don't work here.

Jonatton leaps out of window.
Nathan smacks Pingu over the head with a spade and pisses himself laughing.

Quote from: "Chris Morris"
Bus Driver: I don't know, that Nathan Barley. (To camera) Him and his accursed breed need a satirical show to shame them for the idiots they are.
.

MEMO - Paul Merton would be good for this role. Phone * friends at BBC to see if can arrange meeting.

* Note to self: Don't do silly voice.

jutl

Quote from: "Sexton Brackets Drugbust"his stuff

That was fucking great...

Sexton Brackets Drugbust

I've gone all shy and bashful now...

DuncanC

What jutl said. I don't hate Nathan Barley, I quite enjoy it and hope it gets another series, but that was hilarious. Nice one.

Ambient Sheep

I think ALL the script contributions to this thread have been excellent, and a useful antidote to those who say "Well if you're so clever, why don't you write it yourselves!!"

Clinton Morgan

CHANNEL FOUR ANNOUNCER:
And now on Channel 4 as a change to our published programme we present an 'Evening With Frank Zappa'. First up is the movie 'Baby Snakes' followed by a television premiere of 'The Roxy Shows' followed by 'Run Home Slow', 'The World's Greatest Sinner' and rounding up with 'Barcelona 1988'. Fuck you if you wanted Nathan Barley.

Jon_Norton

Quote from: "jutl"
Quote from: "Sexton Brackets Drugbust"his stuff

That was fucking great...

Bah.

Detective John Kimble

Ayoade:  So, Nathan, you killed a Rwandan!

NB:  Yeah, mate!  It was well Eichmann!

Ayoade:  And you raped 3 kids at once!

NB:  Yeah, mate!  It was technically a Glitter!

Ayoade:  No, mate!  More of a Cooke!

NB:  Peter Cooke?

Ayoade:  Nah, mate, Sidney Cooke!  You know, that child rapist!  He was really cool, just like you!

NB: Michael fucking Jackson, mate.  

Ayoade: Myra fucking Hindley more like.

NB:  Yeah!

*Dan Ashcroft enters, and adapts a David Brent impression*

DA:  You're all idiots!  All of you.

*Dan Ashcroft storms out*

NB:  Yeah, mate!  Keep it smashie and nicey!

*Some character comes in for no apparent reason at all*

SCCIFNARAA:  Cunt!  Wanky shit bollocks cunt!

*Some character comes in for no apparent reason at all leaves*

NB:  Ah...that was Well Mellor!

*IF-YOU-JUST-LAUGHED-YOU-ARE-A-FRIGGIN'-IMBECILE flashes across the screen in GTA style writing.*