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March 28, 2024, 06:34:28 PM

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Write Your Own Nathan Barley Episode!

Started by TJ, March 12, 2005, 08:57:26 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Hemorrhoid Shark

DAN: Did you know that there are loads of people on the Internet who hate us?

NATHAN: No way! That's well keyboard!

DAN: Yes. They say we have no purpose, are undefined, and lack any sympathetic qualities.

NATHAN Totally mahogany! What's the deal?

DAN: You don't agree?

NATHAN: Er... Bum!

DAN: You see, they think we're idiots. I... I think they're right.

NATHAN: Breaking the fourth wall eh, preach? You are totally denim!

[DAN REACTS]

DAN: God, why hath thou forsaken me?

[CLAIRE enters]

CLAIRE: What's going on guys?

NATHAN: Dan's clucking over some webhead whinges. So, you fancy a drink?

CLAIRE: We've been over this. I don't want to sleep with you.

NATHAN: Even though I'm giving you your editing equipment? That's well Casio!

CLAIRE: Oh, alright then.

DAN: I want to die.

[CUE CREDITS]

CHRIS MORRIS (VO): And now an announcement on behalf of Channel Four. If you were watching this program, you are a cunt. Thank you.

Goldentony

NB: Cripes, I am in a situation in where I will lose the respect of my peers

Clare: I think you are a horrible person/bastard

Dan: I too think this

Foreign Character and/or Ayoade: hey, this controversial situation is well fucking Jackson/dusty/telly addicts

NB: Hurrah I am saved, ergo, another plot that suddenly emerged in the last 5 minutes is disintergrated.

Dan:  Noooo, curse youuuu god, for making meee this waaaaay

Clare: I am owed money

JY? Pulls a silly face

Goldentony

nb: check this out i am totally referencing the 80's and swearing loudly on the bus, again

ayoade: so i fucking bummed a nun the other day yeah
onslatt: so he fucking bummed a nun the other day yeah
clare: i am thuroghly disgusted, look at my grimaceing face
barley: chill the piss out clare you smiking fucking sexyfuck
clare: guuuuuhh *turns and walks away slightly*

Sexton Brackets Drugbust

NB: Check this fuck out, it is totally pixelfish
Clare: Although I clearly no longer like you, I will sit through your strange speeches and scowl.
Pingu: Could I maybe have some lines?
NB: Quiet you.

Neil

Dan, Nathan and Claire meet in the cafe

Dan: Hi Nathan, I've got Aids (sad face)
Nathan: Woah, that's totally well fucking Liberace, Preach.
Dan: Yes it is.
Nathan: Well, goodbye then Dan, keep it Taliban!
Claire: (Looks pissed off)

Nathan finds some skinny junkies and shares their works and then gets them all to fuck him up the arse without comdoms just to make sure(Libertines parody here)

Nathan bumps into Dan and Claire in the Nailgun Arms

Claire: (Looks pissed off)
Nathan: Hi Preach, you'll never guess, now I've got the HIV too,. and all that anal sex gave me an... unwell bum. (Smug Brent face)
Dan: I don't really have Aids Nathan, I was just referencing that Victor Lewis-Smith sketch about Presidential Aides.
Nathan: That's well South Park.
Dan: Yeah.  Still, it's not like your Aids will ever be referred to again or form any part of future episodes.
Nathan: Yeah, that's well under-written!
Claire: (Looks pissed off)

Godzilla Bankrolls

PINGU: I'm playing Keith Richards in some sort of Stones biopic soon. Let's hope I get some lines this time!

[TIM REACTS]

Godzilla Bankrolls

NINA SOSANYA: I too am a character in Nathan Barley.

CHARLIE BROOKER: Hey, the ratings are in! And...oh...erm...

[CHANNEL 4 REACTS]

jimmy jazz

DAN: Claire, can i borrow some money?

CLAIRE: [In a green top] For god sake Dan!

DAN: But you have no job and got about 12 quid from the bloke from the euryth - i mean Veryphonics, so that means you must get your money from our parents too

CLAIRE: [In a red top] For god sake Dan, don't show the gaping plot holes!

[NB walks in]

DAN: Oh god

Nathan: Preach! Claire Babes!

Claire: [Wearing a long dress and a trilby] Hello Nathan

Nathan: Woah bum! Sheila fucking Jackson

Dan: I'm off to make money doing something demeaning, [to camera] Stay tuned for the two good actors haveing a thirty second conversation, that's right, i'm off to see Jonatton [mighty boosh theme plays as Dan walks out]

Claire: [Wearing kaftan] So Nathan how are you?

Nathan: Bum! Jetski! A message to you Rudi!

Claire: [wearing a ku klux klan outfit] Don't you think that's a bit inapporpriate *tut* [Claire shakes head]

END OF PART ONE

Morris v/o: Stay tuned for a plot development

The Duck Man

Jones: I'm an annoying wanker who's only in this because my mate got a part in it, and I follow him around like the vile, vomit-inducing muppet that i am.

Purple Tentacle

Quote from: "Beloved Aunt"

CHARLIE BROOKER: Hey, the ratings are in! And...oh...erm...

[CHANNEL 4 REACTS]

Hehehe.

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

These are all hilarious, which the real NB isn't. What does that tell us eh?

slim

To read the forum at 10pm on Fridays from now on?

Slackboy

I can now confirm that you lot are definitely not getting the show at ALL. I was holding off being so sure about that until I'd read a bit more of your stuff and this thread just completely confirms that.

You haven't got a clue what the programme is doing and you'll never ever like it or find it funny. You're even too stupid to see that you are too stupid for it, and you probably don't even understand why Chris Morris is funny in the first place; you just think that you do.

Please try to pull your heads out of your arses and sort your lives out, otherwise you'll never have anyone post on this forum who has something worthwhile, intelligent and interesting to say. But like I've said before though, that'll just be your loss.

Edit: Typo. Purple Tentacle Reacts etc.

mayer

Quote from: "Slackboy"I can now confirm that you lot are definitely not getting the show at ALL. I was holding off being so sure about that until I'd read a bit more of your stuff and this thread just completely confirms that.

You haven't got a clue what the programme is doing and you'll never ever like it or find it funny. You're even to stupid to see that you are too stupid for it, and you probably don't even understand why Chris Morris is funny in the first place; you just think that you do.

Please try to pull your heads out of your arses and sort your lives out, otherwise you'll never have anyone post on this forum who has something worthwhile, intelligent and interesting to say. But like I've said before though, that'll just be your loss.

I'm quoting that in case you go back and read it in a few years when you grow up and want to delete it to save your blushes

Purple Tentacle

Quote from: "Slackboy"You're even to stupid

hehe.

mayer

Quote from: "Slackboy"Please try to pull your heads out of your arses and sort your lives out, otherwise you'll never have anyone post on this forum who has something worthwhile, intelligent and interesting to
say.

Oh, you'll never know who may stick around though in this intellectual vacuum.

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

Slackboy is right. Everyone is going on like Nathan Barley was supposed to be some kind of comedy. Shame on you all for not knowing better.

Neil

Quote from: "Slackboy"I can now confirm that you lot are definitely not getting the show at ALL...

You haven't got a clue what the programme is doing and you'll never ever like it or find it funny. You're even to stupid to see that you are too stupid for it, and you probably don't even understand why Chris Morris is funny in the first place; you just think that you do.

Please try to pull your heads out of your arses and sort your lives out...

Well done Slack "Preacherman" boy, that's the best Nathan Barley parody yet!!

Regular John

I like Nathan Barley

I like this thread

I am caught in a paradox it seems!

slim

Quote from: "Slackboy"I can now confirm that you lot are definitely not getting the show at ALL.
Come on then, Mr. Arrogant. Do let us in on the big secret. I understand that every time someone mentions that we don't get it they can provide no firm explanation of why they get it, what "it" is, or how we're missing it.

Village Branson

I'm not sure if anyone else has seen NB after reading this thread, but I did, and curse you all for being spot on.

TJ

Quote from: "Slackboy"I can now confirm that you lot are definitely not getting the show at ALL. I was holding off being so sure about that until I'd read a bit more of your stuff and this thread just completely confirms that.

You haven't got a clue what the programme is doing and you'll never ever like it or find it funny. You're even to stupid to see that you are too stupid for it, and you probably don't even understand why Chris Morris is funny in the first place; you just think that you do.

Please try to pull your heads out of your arses and sort your lives out, otherwise you'll never have anyone post on this forum who has something worthwhile, intelligent and interesting to say. But like I've said before though, that'll just be your loss.

Oh shut up.

Jon_Norton

Quote from: "Slackboy"I can now confirm that you lot are definitely not getting the show at ALL. I was holding off being so sure about that until I'd read a bit more of your stuff and this thread just completely confirms that.

You haven't got a clue what the programme is doing and you'll never ever like it or find it funny. You're even to stupid to see that you are too stupid for it, and you probably don't even understand why Chris Morris is funny in the first place; you just think that you do.

Please try to pull your heads out of your arses and sort your lives out, otherwise you'll never have anyone post on this forum who has something worthwhile, intelligent and interesting to say. But like I've said before though, that'll just be your loss.

Didn't you "leave this forum" about a week ago?

gazzyk1ns

I realise what I'm about to say won't exactly endear me to the new people posting here who like the show, but...

I would be really interested to see the age of everyone who think's it's really good, what previous Morris work they've seen, and what they've liked the most. I'd bet quite a lot of money that most are 17/18 and might have seen Blue Jam, and they love it because it's really dark and explicit.

That's getting into the territory of just throwing abuse around but it's my honest opinion, I can't see how any other type of person could find NB anything better than "mildly entertaining as some kind of sitcom". Nathan Barley is just people chucking stupid swearwords at each other whilst they play/listen to music, if that entertains you then come with me to my mate's on Wednesday, you'll have the time of your life.

Dr David V

COMISSIONING EDITOR OF CHANNEL 4: We'd like to give you a second series of Nathan Barley.

CHRIS MORRIS REACTS.

COOKD AND BOMBD REACTS.

NO-ONE ELSE REACTS.

mayer

Quote from: "gazzyk1ns"I realise what I'm about to say won't exactly endear me to the new people posting here who like the show, but...

See, I'm only twenty-two, and, as I've mentioned here loads of times before, the first Morris thing I ever watched was Jam, and, unlike lots of people here, I really thought it was fantastic.

I also think that large bits of the BES are not without its merits.


Er... but Nathan Barley bores me senseless.

Oy you lot! Take it to the designated discussion threads - this threads for dreadfully unfunny point-missing barley parodying.

mayer

Quote from: "Munday's Chylde"Oy you lot! Take it to the designated discussion threads - this threads for dreadfully unfunny point-missing barley parodying.

That's really really offended and upset me... saying something of that magnitude will obviously have drastic consequences for any future dealings we have with each other.



Er... untill next week where we've both totally forgotten about it and carry on as before.

gazzyk1ns

Whoops, I actually thought I was in the other thread actually, sorry.

weapon

Nathan is on the bus, playing a mash of Patsy Cline, DJ Krush, Air, Max Romeo and Slayer on his mp3 decks, when he gets a call from Claire:

NB: Alright you big inbred duck noncer!

CA: Nathan, I need to borrow a laptop.

NB: No problem, Claireychunks. Regime in twenty?

CA: Thanks Nathan. See you there.

NB: Rape ya later!

CUT TO REGIME:

Claire walks in. Nathan is on 'Suck'd n Nobb'd' web forum, typing about how ace Banksy is.

NB: Alright Claire, check out this cyber-cum. Well sinister. They're talking about us! Not too popular, Claire. How's about I totally bonk your trap off with my joy-stick of spunk?

CA: Nathan, thanks for letting me borrow your laptop.

NB: That's well affirmative.

CA: Can I get you a drink?

NB: Yeeeaahh Bwoy-eee! Fight the Power, yeah? Frappuccinnzano yeah? Well button.

DAN ASHCROFT WALKS IN WITH A GUN

NB: Preeeeaaachh! How's it popping? Well Blackburn!

DA: Fuck off you batty crease. DAN STABS NATHAN, DESPITE CARRYING A GUN. CLAIRE TURNS AROUND, DROPS BOTH COFFEE'S, AND:

CA: Dan! Where's my money? You got blood all over Nathan's laptop!

NATHAN IS DEAD

DA: Sorry Claire.

CLAIRE RAPES HERSELF, AND FILMS IT FOR HER DOCUMENTARY. CHRIS MORRIS RUNS ONTO THE SET

CM: Preach! Good job.

CHRIS LOOKS AT THE LAPTOP, WHICH IS FULL OF POINTLESS DISCUSSION ABOUT NATHAN BARLEY.
CHRIS LOOK BREIFLY HURT, THEN LOOKS OVER TO CHARLIE BROOKER, WHO IS WRITING A 'SCREEN BURN' ABOUT '24' AND 'EASTENDERS'.

CM: Second series? I think so! Well bum!

CB: Yeeeeaaaahhhhh Bwoy-eeee!

THE END