Write Your Own Nathan Barley Episode!

[jimmy jazz]

I'm 15 and the first thing i saw was an episode of TDT when i was 4, of course i didnt understand a word at all and remember just liking Morris' voice, he's one of my earliest memories. About a year ago i bought BE and TDT, since then i've bought Jam, Why Bother? and Blue Jam. I've downloaded most of the music shows and some On The Hour. So I'm not a passing fan or anything.

I don't mind Nathan Barley but what makes me hate it is that fact,, I shouldn't mind a morris project, i should love it. It's not as good as BES or Jam and is by far the worst thing he's done, that i've seen anyhow.

[alan strang]

PETER BAZALGETTE AND ZEPPOTRON WALK BY, IN DEEP CONVERSATION

ZEPPOTRON
Right, so you're saying that if we put it about that there's already a new series commissioned then - according to the current media rules - people will automatically stop criticising it because it'll either register as "a success" or "an inevitability which there's no point trying to argue against anyway"?

PETER BAZALGETTE
Yup. It's a surefire way of ensuring ongoing interest in a dying TV series. Treat the audience as credulous scum and they'll behave accordingly and fall for it. It worked with Nighty Night. It worked with Green Wing.

ZEPPOTRON
But people are still annoyed about that shite getting a second series aren't they?

BAZALGETTE
Don't worry - by the time the next series comes along all the moaning minnies will be too dispondant to raise anything other than the idlest of critiques... And the internet fora will be awash with the phrase "Actually I've enjoyed this a lot more this time around...", whatever the quality of the shows

ZEPPOTRON
...which means we won't actually have to try any harder and can deliver the same under-written shite all over again!!

BAZALGETTE
You're learning, kiddoes! You're learning!

THEY WALK OFF INTO THE SUNSET WITH ALL OUR MONEY

[Emergency Lalla Ward Ten]

I can now confirm that you lot are definitely not getting the show at ALL. I was holding off being so sure about that until I'd read a bit more of your stuff and this thread just completely confirms that.

You haven't got a clue what the programme is doing and you'll never ever like it or find it funny. You're even to stupid to see that you are too stupid for it, and you probably don't even understand why Chris Morris is funny in the first place; you just think that you do.

Please try to pull your heads out of your arses and sort your lives out, otherwise you'll never have anyone post on this forum who has something worthwhile, intelligent and interesting to say. But like I've said before though, that'll just be your loss.

See that's what depresses me about the NB likers - not that they enjoy the show, but that they become enraged when the show gets a bit of a ribbing. That's not in the spirit of Morris is it? A man who was good-humoured enough to include Adam and Joe's 'Goitre' on the Jam DVD. In any case, if Morris and Brooker can do a piss-take of the Shoreditch scene, why can't we do a piss-take of their sitcom?

Honestly - people post stuff like Slackboy's rant above and it's people like *me* who are called 'humourless'!

I'd like to see some NB parodies from the NB likers, to be honest. There's no reason why they can't join in, after all.

(By the way, why does having your 'head up your arse' mean? I've never understood that phrase, except that it's one of those default insults. I've always assumed it meant self-obsessed and out of touch, but I don't really understand why thsi thread is eveidence of that.)

[weapon]

I'd like to see some NB parodies from the NB likers, to be honest. There's no reason why they can't join in, after all.

Er...I love Nathan Barley! And yeah, I agree about people who like Nathan Barley getting irate over people not liking is a bit daft. Can't we all just get along?!!

Hehe. By the way, Chris Morris, if your reading this, can I be in the second series? I don't have to have a big role, maybe Pingu's brother or something. Keep it foolish...

[mayer]

I really like a lot of these. Not picking favourites, but this bit got a well-deserved smile from me;

DAN ASHCROFT WALKS IN WITH A GUN

NB: Preeeeaaachh! How's it popping? Well Blackburn!

DA: Fuck off you batty crease. DAN STABS NATHAN, DESPITE CARRYING A GUN. CLAIRE TURNS AROUND, DROPS BOTH COFFEE'S, AND:

[weapon]

Aw, cheers Mayer.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

DAN ASHCROFT WALKS IN WITH A GUN

NB: Preeeeaaachh! How's it popping? Well Blackburn!

DA: Fuck off you batty crease. DAN STABS NATHAN, DESPITE CARRYING A GUN.

I'd like to think he stabs him with the gun.

all the moaning minnies

That phrase made me chuckle, its an expression I've not heard for ages.

[Jon_Norton]

NATHAN BARLEY - SECOND SERIES PARODIES

As you all know by now, Channel 4 have asked for thirteen episodes next time round, so we'll have to do a lot of brainstorming for storylines. I'll get the ball rolling:

"NATHAN-WIDE"
Nathan and his crew are busy mocking the "posh accents" of newsreaders. Suddenly, he gets the chance to become one himself. Hilariously, he suddenly turns out to have a very posh accent himself. But then it all falls through. Dan reacts.

"YOUR ARSENAL"
Jonatton Yeah? tells Dan to investigate the hot new scene of "head in arse" clubs, springing up around Hosegate. Meanwhile Nathan is hoaxed by Ned Smanks and The Other One about the new craze for "Tamarzikan Parties", involving anal drug lozenges. By a hilarious coincidence, the fake address he is sent to is the HIA party that Dan has gone to. The end up sexually assaulting each other.

"COMEDY NATHAN"
Nathan sees a flyer from a production company asking for cheap, home-made comedy routines as auditions for a new sketch show. The rest of this just writes itself - we see him mugging appallingly with Pingu, having endless mishaps with his camcorder, doing dreadful spoof interviews in the street. Lots of knowing in-jokes about the "David Brent" delivery. When the tape finally gets sent in, it turns out the show is really a "Beadle's About" type thing, and Nathan wins a prize.

[Emergency Lalla Ward Ten]

But then it all falls through.

The bar?

[Godzilla Bankrolls]

Any future eps of Nathan Barley should have Morris and Brooker driving around Britain in a camper van, shouting out "There's one! Look!" every time they see a 'Barley'.

[Munday's Chylde]

"ITS ALL ABOUT POO, ITS ALL ABOUT POO BABY"
After a heavy night of curry and chips Dan spends the morning on the shitter singing away to himself whilst he groans and strains - in the next room Claire is leaving an answerphone message for a hip music producer to do an interview with him about his new bi-band. When the music producer gets back in touch he's more interested in cutting a single with Dan who has a great new sound but having failed to replicate it in the studio they are eventually forced to bring in a camode so he can shit whilst he sings - this leads to an eventual performance on top of the pops where instead of declining to do it or at the very least insisting on miming to the track dan instead agrees to sit on stage with his trousers round his ankles poo-ing into a gold toilet whilst he performs.

Meanwhile Nathan goes shopping or something and accidently buys one of the shops display cabinets because he thinks its a new square, hard suit for no particular reason whatsoever and nobody bothers to stop him and nobody cares and some people say "yeah" a lot.

At the last moment these two plots fail to intertwine in any way whatsoever and after the credits have rolled we see something briefly mentioned in the first minute about a fucking plant or something and I dont know, pingu eats it or whatever.

[Jon_Norton]

But then it all falls through.

The bar?

And a chandelier lands on him.

[The Mumbler]

BARLEY ON THE BITCH
The writers try and torturously explain the reference to that Film On Four written by Meera Syal while trying to please the ever-shrinking Loaded market.  Also, in an ill-fitting subplot, Nathan tricks Dan into getting his foreskin tattooed with the phrase "I Like Nu Shooz"  Features "I Can't Wait", which represents irony, probably.

THE GREAT SUGARAPE APE
A rival magazine starts up next door.  Guest starring Simon Pegg as its shouting editor, "Ferdinand Piss".  Features "I Want Your Lovin'" by Curtis Hairston, which represents irony, probably.

FUCK OFF YOU COUPLE OF TALENTLESS CUNTS
The microscopic number still watching decides that even Grumpy Old Women is a better use of half an hour.  Features "Everybody's Laughing" by Phil Fearon & Galaxy, which really does represent irony.

[Jon_Norton]

"SALVADOR BARLEY"
Nathan has some teenagers round to his flat for an "all-night rave". In the morning he finds they have defaced his walls with lurid graffiti. But then one of the party guests who slept over wakes up and tells him she is runs an art gallery and tells him to show her more of  "your work". So  Nathan frantically tries to find the kid responsible whilst struggling to keep up the pretence it was his own work. He can't find the kid, but his wall is entered for the Turner Prize. We then get a load of jokes about "modern art" that were used on Terry And June 20 years ago. But disaster strikes when the teenager who really did the graffiti sees a copy of the Evening Standard and rings up Nathan threatening to blow his story unless he gets him a job in television. Nathan promises to do this. Meanwhile, Jonatton Yeah? has been haranguing the SugarApe staff about them all being "middle-aged". The denouement occurs at the Turner Prizegiving where (1) Nathan doesn't win, and (2) he fears that the kid has told the story, but actually (3) he's got a job at SA after meeting JY? Happy ending.

[EFB]

Nathan (to camera) : I have of late become weary of the technological splendor surrounding us. Instant access to any entertainment we desire has only encouraged us to have ever decreasing attention spans. We laugh at everything and proclaim it cool with the single condition that it is, in reality, uncool and mind numbing. We are the throwaway generation, discarding both possessions and thought.

[Dan enters wearing a tutu]

Dan : Pissarse cockbum!

[EFB]

[double post]

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Fruit and Barley:
During a drunken night out on the tiles, Nathan inadvertently becomes a gay icon, for no other reason than the pun in the title.  After displaying some hi-hi-hilarious ho-ho-homophobia, Nathan embraces his new status when he finds that women are now immediately drawn to him.  Dan paces around, grumbling about how Nathan is a little tinker and eats a sandwich he finds on a tramps corpse to show just how low he's sunk.  The show ends on some kind of "He's come out, on top" gag.  

Preacher Man 2:
Essentially the same as the first series, only every time he hears it, Dan says "Oh no, not again"

Nathan Bali:
Nathan returns from his holiday with a great tan and a camera full of compromising photos that would ruin his image, should they fall into the wrong hands.  Clare grabs the camera when she decides to photograph some lost cause, I dunno, a sick prostitute or something, and then leaves it in the shitty café that she and Dan always visit.  However, Dan has his own problems, because Jonatton Yeah? has insisted that he write an article on something wacky that he doesn't like.  Dan mumbles, twitches and does something embarrassing and then the show ends.  The camera is returned by Ned Smanks and nothing is made of that particular storyline.  At  all.

Clare's Big Episode:
Clare turns to Dan for advice on her personality.  She explains to him that she can't quite work out what kind of person she is supposed to be, and with his help they try a variety of styles before finally settling on grumpy hypocrite.  She visits Nathan, he makes some allusion to bumming her in front of his mates, and she doesn't deny it.

Ban This Sick Filth:
Scrunchfaced editor Jonatton Yeah? whips up a stir when he antagonises the Daily Gail newspaper.  Dan's saucy article on bottoms has offended the middle classed journal for squares, and Dan becomes the obvious target.  He becomes frustrated with Yeah?, but there's nothing he can do.  Meanwhile, Pingu asks Nathan why he got his own ident when channel 4 started showing trailers for the hilarious to clever people, award winning first season.  Nathan does a dance then runs off.

[Munday's Chylde]

" But disaster strikes when the teenager who really did the graffiti sees a copy of the Evening Standard and rings up Nathan threatening to blow his story unless he gets him a job in television. Nathan promises to do this.

After the end credits we get the caption "Fifteen Years Later..." and cut to the inside of the director of Talkbacks office where the teenager (now fully grown but still dressed identicaly) spins round in his leather chair, looks at the camera and gives a thumbs up, "Nice!"

The intercom goes off and a voice says "New script just arrived, apparently its a sitcom/sketch show about a couple of gay serial killers - no jokes to speak of but its very dark."

"Give him twenty million and get it on air by Febuary."
"Dont you want to read it first?"
"Naaaaah."

He spins back round in his chair and starts wanking.

[The Mumbler]

NAT(HAN) WEST(MINSTER)
Nathan decides to go into politics, running for some joke party.  Only trouble is!  He doesn't even realise that the BNP is a racist party!!! [Production note: Pun in title a bit poor so place near end of series.]

[The Duck Man]

Claire
Just Claire. For half an hour.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Claire
Just Claire. For half an hour.

That'll be the breakaway success episode!

[Labian Quest]

Nathan Barmy Dan stops taking his meds and ends up having a full on nervous breakdown running around Hosegate in the nude, inadvertently launching a new fashion craze when NB sees him being bundled into a van in a strait jacket "Nice one preach! that's totally bipolar!" etc.

Yes, I know, I'm not very good at this.

[Jon_Norton]

Hmmm.... 14 storylines... we'll do the extra one as a Comic Relief Special.

[Munday's Chylde]

Fun all that wasn't it? Bit like therapy - I dont even feel dissapointed or annoyed about the show anymore now. In fact when I watch it next week I'll probably be laughing at it for the full half hour now!

[Jon_Norton]

"PITCH DARK"
The token "film tribute" episode of the season - in this case, a pastiche of the SF film Pitch Black, starring Vin Diesel. It is Halloween night in Hosegate and yet again Nathan is trying to pull Claire, as in all the previous 47 episodes to date. He hits on the romantic idea of a night in watching scary films, but little does he know that tonight events will happen that are a bit like in the film I mentioned, although not exactly the same obviously, but still a bit similar in a Spaced kind-of-way. Check if Vin Diesel is available for cameo. Also Julia Davis.

[Jon_Norton]

"THE ITALIC JOB"
Dan becomes furious that every time he posts an entry on a webforum, he has to edit it straight aferwards to remove the surplus "[/i]" added at the end. And I bet I'll have to do it again. Oh, fuck it.[/i]

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Hmmm.... 14 storylines... we'll do the extra one as a Comic Relief Special.

Hehe, provided theres some line about giving to charity and someone mistakenly makes a 'pudsey bear' reference, I think yer on to a winner!

[48k]

WELL FUTILE

Barley ejaculates into Pingu's eyes as a prank for his trashbat website. Meanwhile, Dan is vaguely annoyed. Everyone goes to a gig for a band called Camp Fag Velodrome; this is actually a set-up for cutting satire directed at once-trendy band Campag Velocet. Claire's character progression is put to one side for a sketch involving her ability to fanny-fart at will.

[jimmy jazz]

Christmas with Chris

To celebrate Christmas Nathan's uncle comes round, his uncle Chris (played by Chris Morris) is a manager of a band called bobol - locks (a cutting satire on practically unknown band test-icicles.) Chris meets Dan and they get along, then Jonatton Yeah? asks Dan to write an article calling the bobol - locks shit. Dan does so but feels humiliated when Yeah? puts it on the FRONT PAGE. Chris doesn't really care as he has managed a few bands before so he's used to criticism. Dan still feels guilty and pulls him off, though he almost refused to write a critical article the day before. Ends with everyone singing a song:

Christmas time
Well jackson and totally bum
Practically a polanski, smelly monkey cum
Boys are shagging grandfathers
Claire should be hung form the rafters

[Bogey]

Fun all that wasn't it? Bit like therapy - I dont even feel dissapointed or annoyed about the show anymore now. In fact when I watch it next week I'll probably be laughing at it for the full half hour now!

Exactly! Über-Satirist Morris didn't write the programme as a parody, he wrote it as the intended object of parody, so a clutch of people could write some quite amusing piss-takes on a website on the internet! It works on a millennium of levels.
You stupid people just don't get it because you're all so stupid.