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THE WORST SONGS EVER (REVISITED)

Started by dr_christian_troy, May 17, 2019, 03:39:55 PM

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dr_christian_troy

Hello all,

Back in February 2013, we compiled the WORST SONGS EVER list for CaB Radio, with songs nominated by posters at the time. Following a long and strenuous voting process, the list came out as follows:


15. = Arret d'Autobus - Plastic Bertrand
         Decimilisation - Max Bygraves
         Don't It Make You Feel Good - Stefan Dennis
         Fluffy - Gloria Balsam
         Inside Your Head - Bob Geldof
         Lucky Stars - Dean Friedman
         No Way - Rae2TheMotherFuckEnd
         Nookie's Song - Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bear
         Wash Those Baby Sins Away - 'Donald Duck'
         We're Going To Spain - The Krankies

14. = Black Stockings - Jess Conrad
         I Wish I Could Fly - Keith Harris and Orville
         I'll Be Back - Arnee and The Terminaters
         I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek - The Go-Gos
         Miracles - Insane Clown Posse
         Oops! There Comes A Smile - Tammy Faye Baker
         Sesame's Treet - Smart E's
         Seven Tears - Goombay Dance Band
         The Best Dreams - Burnley Building Society
         The Problem - The Young Cons
         Theme from Bread - The Cast of Bread
         Whip My Hair - Willow Smith

13. = Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
         Every Loser Wins - Nick Berry
         Famous - Scouting For Girls
         Guardians Of The Land - George Bowyer
         Hot Problems - Double Take
         I Cannot Answer You - Uri Geller
         I've Never Been To Me - Charlene
         Let It Be - Ferry Aid
         Mad Passionate Love - Bernard Bresslaw
         Merry Merry Christmas - New Kids On The Block
         One Four Seven - Alex 'Hurricane' Higgins

12. = Bush Was Right - The Right Brothers
         Come On Fuck A Guy - Chuggo
         Jesus Loves Me - Baby Lu-Lu
         Life's In The Pocket - Alex 'Hurricane' Higgins
         Living Next Door To Alice - Roy Chubby Brown
         Midi Machine Music Part 2 - Lou Reed
         Pump Up The Bitter - Stars On 45 Pints
         Smell Yo Dick - Riskay
         Theme from Red Dwarf - Danny John-Jules
         Time Of My Life (Dirty Bit) - Black Eyes Peas
         Up With The Cock! - Judge Dread
         We Wanna Be Famous - Buster Gobsmack Eats Filth
     
11. = I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker - Sandi Thom
         Jobs I'd Like To Have - Eddie Furman
         Naughty Naughty Naughty - Joy Sarney
         Scatman's World - Scatman John
         Ubermensch - Angerfist

10. = And That's Before Me Tea - Mr Food
         Every Breath You Take - Ian McShane
         Fish 'N' Chips In Spain - Grahame Lister
         You've Lost That Loving Feeling - Paul Shane

9. = Doctor In Distress - Who Cares
       Hippie And The Skinhead - Peter Wyngarde
       No Way No Way - Vanilla
       Yellow Submarine - Mrs Miller

8. = Down Came The Rain - Mr Murray
       There's No One Quite Like Grandma - St Winifred's School Choir
       The Stonk - Hale and Pace
       Today's The Day - Sean Maguire

7. Teddy Bear - Red Sovine

6. = Flat Screen TV - Harry Hill
       The Millenium Prayer - Cliff Richard

5. Dance With Me - Reginald Bosanquet

4. Rape - Peter Wyngarde

3. Soccer Superstar - Jess Conrad and Tanya Tenola

2. Christmas Shoes - Newsong

1. Diary Of An Unborn Child - Lil' Markie


In retrospect, I would say that not only some of the nominations were put forward out of a personal distaste for a particular song (fair enough), but others were certainly comedy songs intended or at least self-aware enough to not necessarily be on the list. On the other hand, certain songs are justifiably awful, albeit due to factors relating to politics, religion, offensiveness, inappropriateness, creepiness, bad singing and general overall poor quality. Sometimes a combinations of all of these (see the number one entry for reference).

And so six years later, I thought it may be of interest to revisit the list and see what your thoughts are. Which songs (currently not featured) would you include? What would you exclude? What shouldn't be on the list? If there's interest, I could even be tempted to resurrect the concept to do a whole new show...


"Convoy G.B." by Laurie Lingo and the Dipsticks. A particularly egregious example of the novelty record committed by lovable broadcasting maverick Dave Lee Travis.

Also "Hello, This is Joannie (The Telephone Answering Machine Song)" by Paul Evans. Fucking maudlin shit.

remedial_gash


Crabwalk

Holy shit, that was six years ago?! I remember those shows very fondly.

For some reason the chorus to 'Come on, Fuck a Guy' still pops into my head every now and then.

Blue Jam

It was me who nominated Come On Fuck A Guy... and then I realised I clean forgot to nominate this:

Stan - Suntan

I think Stan may actually be Vanilla's dad.

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: dr_christian_troy on May 17, 2019, 03:39:55 PM13. = Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus

Shome mishtake shurely?  Only  joint 13th?!

You can tell I missed this otherwise it might have hit the dizzy heights of joint 12th.


"Agadoo" by Black Lace seems the most obvious omission to me.  Also perhaps "Pass the Dutchie" by Musical Youth which, although it has a certain nostalgic charm these days, was at the time held in similar contempt to "There's no-one quite like Grandma" by us teenagers.

I'd also like to nominate that fuck-awful song where a woman sings "sometimes the sun goes round the moon" over some of the most clichéd trite chords ever committed to a fake Fender Rhodes.  Makes me want to kill every single time, despite someone in Oscillations once kindly explaining to me that it was simply a clumsy way of describing an eclipse.

dr beat

#7
Ahoy-hoy sir, and good to you see here again. If you haven't already, check out the Chart Music Podcast. It's not only great in its own right, but possibly excellent source material. For example:

The Dooleys - Chosen Few

I'll think of some more later

dr beat

Ah yes, that's right: anything by Toyah

Blue Jam

Quote from: Ambient Sheep on May 17, 2019, 04:51:32 PM
I'd also like to nominate that fuck-awful song where a woman sings "sometimes the sun goes round the moon" over some of the most clichéd trite chords ever committed to a fake Fender Rhodes.  Makes me want to kill every single time, despite someone in Oscillations once kindly explaining to me that it was simply a clumsy way of describing an eclipse.

Isn't the world a crazy place... FUCK OFF... and thank fuck it's not just me...

The latest Chart Music Podcast has also reminded me just how loathesome I Wanna Be Free by Toyah is. "Andrew Lloyd Webber does a punk musical" indeed.

dr beat

Danny Mirror - I Remember Elvis Presley.

The Dutch have a word for it.

dr beat

Romford Rap - Various snooker players and Chas and Dave


Blue Jam

Oasis - Little James

https://youtu.be/WFNAZGgt1VQ

I was an Oasis fan when the album this is on came out. I still absolutely pissed myself laughing when I got to this track. This is why Noel was never keen on letting Liam write songs...

dr beat

Of course how could I forget:

UKIP Calypso

Sign of the times, but obviously not Sign O'The Times

Absorb the anus burn

The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.
The Living Years by Mike And The Mechanics.

etc.

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: Blue Jam on May 17, 2019, 04:58:26 PM
Isn't the world a crazy place... FUCK OFF... and thank fuck it's not just me...

In which case you might enjoy my previous post on the subject, which to my amusement (the benefits of a fading memory, there!) turns out to be a collection of all my previous rants about it too.


Actually, that thread in general could be valuable research for DCT's project.  Some fine suggestions there (as well as some downright puzzling ones).

dr beat

It's a shame the World Cup was only just last year as I do enjoy a YouTube session of crap WC cash-in knock off songs when the time is right. Someone did a 2010 version of 'I am the Music Man' (complete with Fabio Capello lookalike - that dates it) which I'll try and link in due course.

dr beat

Also the 2006 Tony Christie World Cup song

imitationleather

Quote from: dr beat on May 17, 2019, 05:23:39 PM
It's a shame the World Cup was only just last year as I do enjoy a YouTube session of crap WC cash-in knock off songs when the time is right. Someone did a 2010 version of 'I am the Music Man' (complete with Fabio Capello lookalike - that dates it) which I'll try and link in due course.

Kids would still be bopping to Sven Sven Sven if it weren't for the repeated mentions of Jimmy Savile in the lyrics. :'(

BlodwynPig


dr beat

Another football one

Dana and the 1982 Northern Ireland World Cup squad - Yer Man

Worth going on YouTube to see the record cover featuring Martin O'Neill's utterly confused face.


dr beat

#21
Right now I can't disclose my position. Some of you may recall I infiltrated a Mexican prison a few weeks ago but that was only because I thought the gig might be up. Been intercepting movements.  Can confirm Taylor Parkes assessments re: the 'Bradford City Official Song'.  They claim they've mastered KPM music but only in the same way the North Koreans have 'mastered' nuclear missiles -  they'll throw it up there and hope it lands roughly where it should be.

I hope I've indicated GPS sufficiently. Don't say I didn't warn you.

See you on the other side.

Jockice

It's still Shiny Happy People you know.

dr beat


Captain Z

#24
Surely this CaB Classic warrants a place in the list, or has it crossed over into so bad it's good territory?

Edit: Ah, it was in the list after all.

sevendaughters

Has Lance Percival's 'The Maharajah of Brum' had the once-over?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljx7q3c3aiE

Blue Jam

Can a cover version be counted if the original is a classic but the cover makes you want to commit genocide?

https://youtu.be/bnbL0js_spo

bigfatheart

Quote from: Crabwalk on May 17, 2019, 04:25:35 PM
For some reason the chorus to 'Come on, Fuck a Guy' still pops into my head every now and then.

Similarly, I've been known to mutter 'ah, come on, fuck a guy' when getting frustrated with slow computers, cashpoints, traffic, etc. thanks to the original list.

I don't have anything cool or obscure to contribute off the top of my head, but a friend and I did recently come to the conclusion that Crazy Bitch by American cock rock also-rans Buckcherry is a truly, irredeemably loathsome song, and would be my current nomination for the worst song of all time.

a duncandisorderly

Quote from: Ambient Sheep on May 17, 2019, 04:51:32 PM
I'd also like to nominate that fuck-awful song where a woman sings "sometimes the sun goes round the moon" over some of the most clichéd trite chords ever committed to a fake Fender Rhodes.

LMGTFY since I'm bored. vanessa williams, she of 'ugly betty' fame, iirc. "save the best for last". probably is a DX7 on there. it usually is when someone wanted a rhodes in the 80s & the real one was too heavy for them to be arsed with, or too hard to play because it's a real piano & not some plasticky piece of shit.

(on FB, I'm in a group called 'the anti DX7 league'; here is a GIF I made)

https://media.giphy.com/media/26DOQ1kkT9hV874cw/giphy.gif


Might be Fitzpleasure by Alt J

Definitely Alt J though no doubt about that.

Also, sexshuality by Billy Bragg.