Main Menu

Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 10:02:32 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Toilet brush

Started by alan nagsworth, May 18, 2019, 11:02:59 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

alan nagsworth

Thread altered. This is now just about toilet brushes and pooing

I had a shit just now and it was quite a violent affair. It didn't damage my bungus per se but it had quite a good tour of the toilet bowl. A decent amount of coverage. Like when you've not got much butter left of a morning but somehow you manage to get most of the toast buttered and you'll mentally remark "aye, that went further than I expected, good job!" Not only did the poo go all the way up the bowl but a little bit even somehow managed to get on the fucking rim, the overhanging bit where the water flushes out from under. I was astonished. Sometimes I honestly think that my sphincter isn't correctly installed and it points backwards instead of down, but I guess we'll never know.

So I grabbed the trusty toilet brush and I suddenly began to consider the horrors this thing has seen come out of me, the things it has dutifully and compliantly helped me dispose of, the absolute and total shame of my arse which it has gazed upon, unflinching and faithful. I thought about how I'd never once apologised to the toilet brush before or after the fact. The toilet brush knows what its job is but the things I've created, the stack of forms I've waltzed into its office with day after day and dumped into its "in" tray with nary an explanation or excuse, it's probably a bit much. Imagine working in McDonald's and thinking "hey ho, this job sucks but I know what I let myself in for" and then one day the fucking Club For Fattest Cunts In The World turns up, piling through the restaurant doors like a clown car of morbid obesity and announcing they're going to be in most days every week until either they or you expire, and that's that.

I don't know if it's the shape of the toilet or the way I sit or what, but my turds are the jasmine sticky rice of the fecal spectrum and I need to use the brush afterwards almost every time. It sits in its canister as I drop another load, smiling flatly and subserviently, and it waits with the patience of a fucking saint. I like to take about 10-15 minutes on the toilet, enjoying the solitude, playing the excellent puzzle game Threes on my phone, and subconsciously marvelling at the wonders of civilisation where we can go into a private booth and expel our waste into a hole which sucks it all away to the sewers, and we convince ourselves it's okay like when we tell our children about The Farm that their dog went to when, in reality, in the words of Brian Topp, it "exploded onto the front of an articulated lorry". My arse is the dog and the toilet bowl is the lorry. BANG, SPLAT.

It's not the toilet/lorry that absorbs my shame, though. Of course not. The toilet's just a temporary vessel. It will forget, and move on with its life. "Bring it on, I was built for having dogs explode onto me!" it beckons with a beaming grin. No, the sponge of my indignity is the poor bastard that has to clean it up. Flecks of that abject abhorrence will stay on the brush for a long time, replaced in turn with the flecks of the next monstrosity a mere day or two later, like so much trauma seared into the mind. People who scrub and hose dogs off the front of lorries are of course well within their right to fume and curse and vent their frustration, but a toilet brush has no such privilege. Mere seconds after experiencing the joyous light of day, it is confronted with a cavalcade of caked-on crap. Straight into the fucking fray, like being woken up from a deep sleep by being yanked upright out of bed with this song playing on full blast, and as soon as you gain some semblance of what the fuck's going on, your assailant punches you so hard in the face that it immediately knocks you out cold. And that's your entire life. Just that, happening over and over, forever.

My toilet brush is living in a never-ending nightmare of enjoying a cup of tea and a nice sit down and suddenly their dodgy mate bangs on the front door covered in blood and feverishly telling them they need to help dispose of yet another body. The expunger of my smelliest compunctions.

Sebastian Cobb

I too, have just done a shit like a flock of sparrows leaving a bush.


imitationleather

The most assistance a toilet brush has ever given me was when I had a shit in a pub toilet with no loo paper and the holder for the bog brush made a good place to hide my socks that had just received an unexpected job transfer.

Norton Canes

For the love of all that's hygienic, install a bum gun

Sebastian Cobb

Also if I drink too regularly, as is my wont on summer evenings and weekends, it plays havoc on my ringpiece, some times it just gets worn out, sometimes actual Jeremy's.

idunnosomename

disgusting things. simply lick the toilet bowl clean

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Surely you just leave it there and next time you go for a stand up piss see how many points you can score by cleaning off the flecks of turd with a well aimed stream of your hot, steaming urine.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Al Tha Funkee Homosapien on May 18, 2019, 06:37:32 PM
Surely you just leave it there and next time you go for a stand up piss see how many points you can score by cleaning off the flecks of turd with a well aimed stream of your hot, steaming urine.

Aka the 'piss chisel'.

Replies From View


Pijlstaart

I like when there is a bit of liquid at the base of the toilet brush holder. Sometimes it's about brush design, sometimes it's about the habits of the toilet brush owner, but I always take a look. It is tranquil too, a still pond, very zen. Kanpai.

I don't know who had just vacated the bogs at work when I popped in for a wee yesterday morning but I hope he's OK. The place stank like a farmyard and I rushed out sharpish in case I got the blame. I pity the poor cleaner who had to tackle that with just a bog brush: the place probably needed an exorcism.

Cuntbeaks

Not sure if its piles, worms or cancer, but ive had the itchiest of arseholes lately. When wiping I have been known to muller the fuck right out of it, resulting in itch relief but also a bit of blood on the paper.

An itchy arsehole really is a pain in the arse.

peanutbutter

On the basis of what I found on the brush a few weeks ago, one of my flatmates thinks the goal of the toilet brush is to catch and hold as much shit as it possibly can and then put it back into the container. I swear, there was maybe a half kilo of shit stuck to it... How do you ever bring that up?

Shoulders?-Stomach!

None of this would happen if you owned a nails shitter.

Tactile Uncle

I like to grab the handle with both palms and pretend i'm whisking an egg. Sometimes it mostly IS egg.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Quote from: Cuntbeaks on May 18, 2019, 08:42:02 PM
Not sure if its piles, worms or cancer, but ive had the itchiest of arseholes lately. When wiping I have been known to muller the fuck right out of it, resulting in itch relief but also a bit of blood on the paper.

An itchy arsehole really is a pain in the arse.

Sounds like thrush mate. Get your self some Canesten (or generic clotrimazole) a smear it on your ring thick and fast.


Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Only if you apply it with a toilet brush.


Jittlebags

A spot of Mr Muscle never did an itchy ringpiece any harm.

idunnosomename

I thought it loved the jobs I hated though

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Al Tha Funkee Homosapien on May 18, 2019, 10:28:02 PM
Only if you apply it with a toilet brush.

Isn't it basically like a pritt stick? With a pen knife you could easily fashion it into a suppository bullet.

touchingcloth

I just brush the toilet with a normal brush.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

What sort of brush? A hair brush? A toothbrush? A paint brush? A Basil Brush?

What do you use to to do your normal brushing tasks?

alan nagsworth

In the shower this morning I blindly reached out for my toothbrush because I brush my teeth in the shower (I also do all my wanking, pissing, sweating, eating and screaming in the shower - it just saves time!) and accidentally grabbed the toilet brush instead! I'm sure where you can seen where this is going!

So I start scrubbing and immediately notice two things: firstly, my toothpaste tastes oddly of arse water, and secondly, my toothbrush appears to have grown over ten times in size and is fucking demolishing my gums and other internal mouth space. But I'm not the sort of bloke to back down or admit a mistake, so I carried on as usual.

As I was leaving the house I gave my wife a goodbye kiss and she remarked, "fucking hell alan, your breath smells like shit" so I replied "yeah well that must be your cooking then you fucking knob jockey! Maybe next time use less shit when you cook food for me!"

Before she could quip something back at me about our sex life I whipped up my briefcase and hat and dashed back up the stairs and into the shower for a good old scream. I'll go back down in an hour and it'll all have blown over.

Has this ever happened to anyone else??

touchingcloth

Quote from: Al Tha Funkee Homosapien on May 19, 2019, 08:30:59 AM
What sort of brush? A hair brush? A toothbrush? A paint brush? A Basil Brush?

What do you use to to do your normal brushing tasks?

Just a normal one.

Cuellar

arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose arse hose

a duncandisorderly

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on May 18, 2019, 11:05:58 AM
I too, have just done a shit like a flock of sparrows leaving a bush.

I was introduced to that colourful metaphor by ricky tomlinson while we were on a brookside location in rome.
starlings, it was, in his version, & followed by his inimitable & now slightly grating laugh-at-me-own-jokes cackle.
just what you need when you've got a thirty-bottles-of-peroni hangover.

a duncandisorderly

Quote from: Pijlstaart on May 18, 2019, 08:30:40 PM
I like when there is a bit of liquid at the base of the toilet brush holder. Sometimes it's about brush design, sometimes it's about the habits of the toilet brush owner, but I always take a look. It is tranquil too, a still pond, very zen. Kanpai.

skol!