Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 09:25:33 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Fancying someone [split topic]

Started by ffs, May 18, 2019, 07:35:41 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

ffs

Hope no one minds me resurrecting this thread for the following absurd post but just need to get it off my chest. Using a throwaway to be safe.

Finished a 6-month contract on a consultancy job last week. I'm married, but over that time I've stupidly allowed myself to develop a massive thing for a girl in the office. Started out just enjoying the odd chats, then built in my head until every day at work became about how many interactions I could have with her without making it too obvious. I even started taking my lunch later to increase my chances of bumping into her. In the first few months she was very friendly with me and we used to tease each other a lot, which is as close I can get to flirting.

After I started working with a different team I started to see her less. She was in a different corner of the office and I didn't have any excuses to go and see her. She would occasionally walk past my desk and would never stop and only occasionally say Hi. I drew two possible conclusions: 1) she is not interested, 2) she also likes me, but given that she has a boyfriend and knows I am married she doesn't want anything to get out of hand.

As the end of my contract grew near I started to get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and desperately wanted 2) to be true so that I could at least leave the position knowing that I had made some kind of connection. I had one litmus test; a couple of months earlier, when she had arranged cakes and cards for some other colleagues' leaving do I told her that I didn't want anything like this when I left, and a single strawberry doughnut would do. I figured that if she remembered this it would be a sign that she at least cared a little. A few days before I left I bumped into her getting off a train and reminded her it was my last week. She seemed sad and remarked that she still needed to buy me that doughnut.

Over the last week I tried to ration my encounters with her to make it easy on myself. I was just looking forward to the moment on my last day when she would present me with my doughnut, tell me in a faltering way that she would miss working with me, and we would hug a little too long and a little too tight, and I would be able to leave knowing that I hadn't betrayed my wife in any way, but had at least formed a memory of a real connection, and would hopefully leave her thinking about me too from time to time.

The team I was working with arranged to go the pub at 5pm (1 hour early) for drinks. By 4.10pm there was no sign of the doughnut. I had one move left; a USB lead I had borrowed from her weeks before. I planned to stroll over, return it, and casually invite her to the pub, on the off-chance that we might have the emotional catharsis I desperately wanted over a glass of whisky. I walked over, nonchalantly swinging the cable, handed it to her and said

"Er, w-we're going to the pub at 5pm so..."

My voice cracked. My throat died up. My face froze in a state of abject desperation. I'd built this moment into my head to an absurd degree and was frighteningly close to an actual meltdown. Her face crumpled in what was a pretty good approximation of genuine disappointment as she said "Oh sorry, I have dinner", but I'll wager there was a very healthy measure of pity in the mix too. She said something about me being back at the company in future, I managed a glib reply and legged it, telling her I'd come back and say bye later.

At 5pm I walked over to say my goodbye. She was sat with another girl I was friendly with. I said goodbye to both of them, hoping that she would get up for a hug. She didn't. It would have left me with a little more dignity to walk away just then, but I needed the hug so badly that I awkwardly initiated one with the other girl to set a precedent, swung round quickly to hug her for a brief moment and then walked away. Nowhere in her manner did I detect the possibility she harboured similar feelings to me. There was no doughnut. I went to the pub, had about six whiskys and then cried on the train home while listening to this.

Anyway, the upshot is that I don't think she fancied me, I made a tit of myself, and now the fact that I even managed to let myself get so ridiculously involved is making me question whether I'm actually happy in my marriage.

Apologies to anyone who has read this utter drivel, but I needed to tell someone.

Danger Man

You didn't actually do anything so I'd say your marriage is perfectly safe.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Thanks for sharing. Not got too much to say... For a change. Just wanted to acknowledge having read it.

It's a shame human interaction is always buried in between layers of repression, nervousness, self-hatred and shame. Otherwise, events like these may not ever need to happen.

Quote from: ffs on May 18, 2019, 07:35:41 PM
Anyway, the upshot is that I don't think she fancied me, I made a tit of myself, and now the fact that I even managed to let myself get so ridiculously involved is making me question whether I'm actually happy in my marriage.

Is there any person alive who hasn't made a tit of themselves over another human being?

Don't forget that nobody else gets to see inside your head.  When you went over with the USB lead, nobody else would have known that in your thoughts the moment was significant emotionally.  They probably just thought you were returning an USB lead.

Do you genuinely believe that anybody, apart from you, will remember any of the events that you've described today, let alone in a month or a year's time?  If not, then the 'making a tit of yourself' aspect really is quite minor, if you even did.

Having said that, I really do sympathise with you - even if nobody else noticed, the situation in your head is horrible, it's not nice to feel that emotions you had for someone else just aren't returned.  Don't beat yourself up about your marriage - finding someone else attractive isn't cheating, just a sign that you're a human being.

Dex Sawash

I remember that "need to borrow a usb thingie" thread. Rumbled.

Sorry for your distress, Poster. Though I must say that I hope "strawberry doughnut" becomes a CaB meme.

Anyway, crank it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mg0jS6F4M10

Sin Agog

Quote from: rectorofstiffkey on May 18, 2019, 09:41:37 PM.
Do you genuinely believe that anybody, apart from you, will remember any of the events that you've described today, let alone in a month or a year's time?  If not, then the 'making a tit of yourself' aspect really is quite minor, if you even did..

I have a photographic memory, so even when the emotions have dulled and you think everyone's moved on, there it'll be in my noggin for as long as I live (or until I come down with early-onset Alzheimer's).

(Don't really, as anyone who's had to stand there twiddling their thumbs while I try to remember the word 'chair' can attest).

Sebastian Cobb

It's pretty poor form too have a wife and ambitions of someone else. Plenty of us in here have to resign ourselves to dying alone.

Quote from: Sin Agog on May 18, 2019, 11:10:19 PM
I have a photographic memory, so even when the emotions have dulled and you think everyone's moved on, there it'll be in my noggin for as long as I live (or until I come down with early-onset Alzheimer's).

(Don't really, as anyone who's had to stand there twiddling their thumbs while I try to remember the word 'chair' can attest).

Okay, I'll rephrase my question.  Do you think that anybody would have recognised your inner emotional turmoil, apart of course from the bunch of people on the Internet with whom you shared the full horror?

ffs

Quote from: rectorofstiffkey on May 18, 2019, 11:24:57 PM
Okay, I'll rephrase my question.  Do you think that anybody would have recognised your inner emotional turmoil, apart of course from the bunch of people on the Internet with whom you shared the full horror?

I think the quavering voice and dry gulp would have given it away - certainly to anyone who's ever been through the same thing. I've had a few wobbles in meetings in the past where I've realised I don't know what I'm talking about and almost dried up, and since then I've become very good at recognising when others are on the brink.

Anyway, the important thing is I'm pretty sure she noticed, and probably cottoned on to my USB scheme too. Which I don't mind too much as I'm just glad she (probably) knows. Even if she does pity me, rather than thinking I'm well cool and fit as I'd planned, it's something isn't it? Shame though, as I was going to casually add her on facebook a few days later so I could look at pictures of her from time to time but now I have to cut off all contact to save face.

Still genuinely gutted about the doughnut though. If the roles were reversed I don't think I'd ever have forgotten it, even if I only fancied her a tiny bit.

Birdie

Quote from: ffs on May 19, 2019, 12:03:03 AM
I think the quavering voice and dry gulp would have given it away - certainly to anyone who's ever been through the same thing. I've had a few wobbles in meetings in the past where I've realised I don't know what I'm talking about and almost dried up, and since then I've become very good at recognising when others are on the brink.

Anyway, the important thing is I'm pretty sure she noticed, and probably cottoned on to my USB scheme too. Which I don't mind too much as I'm just glad she (probably) knows. Even if she does pity me, rather than thinking I'm well cool and fit as I'd planned, it's something isn't it? Shame though, as I was going to casually add her on facebook a few days later so I could look at pictures of her from time to time but now I have to cut off all contact to save face.

Still genuinely gutted about the doughnut though. If the roles were reversed I don't think I'd ever have forgotten it, even if I only fancied her a tiny bit.

You're glad she knows a married man was hitting on her?

Hmm.

pancreas

Sounds like it wasn't so bad. Probably should never have been—and wasn't—and you slightly embarrassed yourself finding that out. I'd chalk that up as a win.

Bennett Brauer

Maybe the shop had only raspberry doughnuts and she felt embarrassed and upset about letting you down, desperately trying not to show it.

Shaky

ffs - This exact thing happened to me at my last job over the course of about 18 months. For me, it was a sign that things were already wobbly with my life and relationship but maybe that's not the case for you, I don't know. It wouldn't hurt to give that a bit of thought but remember - as others have said, you're only human and it's far from a black and white situation to be in. And I say that as someone who previously came down pretty harshly on any form of emotional or physical cheating. Obviously it's shit to harbour feelings for someone else while in a relationship but at the same time work can be such a unique, intense escape from the routines of home-life it's easy for crushes to develop and imaginations to run wild. Fancying the lovely girl at work was a fantasy and you'll soon to see it that way. In a bit you'll be able to look at the facts with a more detached view and you'll see it's best nothing happened. Even it it had, it was unlikely to go anywhere good. More likely, several lives would've been royally fucked up.

Re the Facebook thing - if you want to add her as "friend" merely to have a teary gawp at her profile several times a day, don't do it. It's incredibly hard I know but let it slide.

PS: In my case it was a pie rather than a donut.

Jockice

#14
Quote from: Ray Travez on September 16, 2015, 05:36:28 PM
I'm not saying you're credulous, but this story about an ugly, charmless man who scored 100% of the time with a witless, barked suggestion, that you were told by a cousin in a pub in the 80's, does bear at least some of the hallmarks of an urban myth ;)

I've heard that one too! Only it wasn't my cousin who told me it. It was a bloke who used to drink in my local pub. And I believed him of course.

incidentally, I had a chat on Twitter a couple of weeks ago with my big office crush from the early 90s (a tale of heartbreak and a handjob I've told on here before I'm sure). This is the first contact we've had for a quarter of a century apart from briefly meeting at an ex-colleague's funeral a few years ago. I can safely say that I don't fancy her any more. Quite nice to be back in touch though.  Despite everything.

And also in recent weeks I've bumped into my last office crush (who I didn't tell anyone about. Unlike the other one she worked in a different department. And I'd learnt my lesson anyway) for the first time in years. She gave me a hug. And also my last non-office crush, who admittedly I do see fairly regularly (and who I very nearly - but not quite -  made a total tit of myself over. She must have known I fancied her) tapped me on the shoulder from behind and said: "Hiya. Have a good day.'' I didn't feel the electric shock I'd think have had if either of them had touched me a few years ago (which they didn't) so although I still think both of them are gorgeous I also think the worst bits of fancying them are over. Phew!

Good job too. I have a girlfriend you know. Only just at the moment mind you, but I do have one.

ffs

Quote from: Shaky on May 19, 2019, 05:23:42 AM
ffs - This exact thing happened to me at my last job over the course of about 18 months. For me, it was a sign that things were already wobbly with my life and relationship but maybe that's not the case for you, I don't know. It wouldn't hurt to give that a bit of thought but remember - as others have said, you're only human and it's far from a black and white situation to be in. And I say that as someone who previously came down pretty harshly on any form of emotional or physical cheating. Obviously it's shit to harbour feelings for someone else while in a relationship but at the same time work can be such a unique, intense escape from the routines of home-life it's easy for crushes to develop and imaginations to run wild. Fancying the lovely girl at work was a fantasy and you'll soon to see it that way. In a bit you'll be able to look at the facts with a more detached view and you'll see it's best nothing happened. Even it it had, it was unlikely to go anywhere good. More likely, several lives would've been royally fucked up.

Cheers. It wasn't that I wanted it to go anywhere - I'd just hoped that she might feel something similar so I'd at least have some satisfaction and emotional closure. I spent most of my early 20s in very similar unrequited situations which ended in equally embarrassing ways, so the whole thing's made me feel as I haven't emotionally matured since then.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

QuoteI have a girlfriend you know. Only just at the moment mind you, but I do have one

^ Big man on campus here with the girl friend

Jockice

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 19, 2019, 08:02:40 AM
^ Big man on campus here with the girl friend

Well, some of us just have 'it' you know.

Jockice

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 19, 2019, 08:02:40 AM
^ Big man on campus here with the girl friend

But while we're on the subject, as I have mentioned probably about a thousand times, she was my first teenage crush. In the same class for four years and I never said a single word to her. But by the time I was in the fifth year I'f given up on her and had switched my attentions to someone totally unattainable, someone in the upper sixth whose boyfriend was in a band. I did speak to her, in fact I went through a period of following her round like a little puppy. Then after she'd left and I was in the upper sixth myself she unexpectedly turned up at a school disco and emboldened by having had a pint of lager, I tried to chat her up by telling her exactly what she'd been wearing the last time I'd seen her. Almost a year previously. The sad thing is I can still remember.

She had a younger sister in the year below me who has the same first name as my girlfriend (and now thanks to marriage has a very similar surname too) and a male schoolfriend of mine deals with her sometimes through his job. And it turns out that he's met my former crush too. I asked how she was looking nowadays and he said 'like a 55-year-old woman.' A couple of months ago I saw her totally by chance. And she does. Which is fair enough, as she is one. Still pretty though.

Didn't get the chance to speak to her though. Chances are she doesn't remember me, or if she did it'll be as that strange kid who used to hang around outside the sixth form common room until she came out. So I think I've either seen or been in contact with most of my major crushes this year. There are others of course but I'm sure that by the time it's 1920 (the year, not the time) our paths will have crossed. It's fate.

bgmnts

26, almost 27, and still havent had a reciprocated affection from someone who wasn't very desperate or broken in a fundamental way*.

So yeah every time I fancy someone and get knocked back it is pure CaB level desolation. Although after the first few hundred you ALMOST become fine with it. Not fine, its about as awful a depressive feeling of no self esteem/self worth/reason to live one can think of, BUT less shit.


*okay bit cheeky because I am fundamentally broken myself but still...

Noonling

Quote from: bgmnts on May 19, 2019, 09:35:58 AM
So yeah every time I fancy someone and get knocked back it is pure CaB level desolation. Although after the first few hundred you ALMOST become fine with it. Not fine, its about as awful a depressive feeling of no self esteem/self worth/reason to live one can think of, BUT less shit.

Don't worry, after the first few thousand you are actually 100% fine with it.


peanutbutter

Quote from: bgmnts on May 19, 2019, 09:35:58 AM
and still havent had a reciprocated affection from someone who wasn't very desperate or broken in a fundamental way*.
I think it's easy for us to do this after the fact. Like, write off their affections as "well that person was clearly just mental". Even if they were, I'm not sure it's that healthy to reinforce it like this.

Quote from: ffs on May 19, 2019, 08:01:55 AM
Cheers. It wasn't that I wanted it to go anywhere - I'd just hoped that she might feel something similar so I'd at least have some satisfaction and emotional closure. I spent most of my early 20s in very similar unrequited situations which ended in equally embarrassing ways, so the whole thing's made me feel as I haven't emotionally matured since then.

Had you thought that if she had felt something similar, and you knew she did (and for all you know she might have done anyway) then the problem wouldn't have been over.  You'd just have started on a different set of problems and decisions.

Basically, being married and really liking somebody who isn't your spouse is going to be a problem in some way, whatever happens.  If you think of all the potential aggro that could result from the situation, you feeling like you might have made a mild tit of yourself really is the harmless end of the spectrum.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain


Cuntbeaks

Crying on a train about a self indulgent fantasy, then posting about it on the internet?

Sober up, ffs.

touchingcloth


Butchers Blind

How do you feel about your wife now?


Icehaven

I've posted about my own version of this situation at length before so I'll keep it brief here but about 4 years ago completely out of the blue I met someone and fell for them like ten tons of bricks, despite being in an ostensibly content 10 year relationship, which ended partly (but not entirely) because it made me realise I'd never, and would never, feel that way about my boyfriend. So I can sympathise with how this has made you doubt your happiness in your marriage. Doesn't mean it's actually unhappy of course, and if nothing else it means at least you're paying attention rather than just drifting along.

It took another 18 months or so (which was a good thing in hindsight, given he was going through a divorce and I'd just come out of a long relationship) but eventually it turned out the guy did like me back and we've been together nearly 2 years now. So it can work out, although I wasn't banking on it and it certainly wasn't the only reason my previous relationship ended. If this is the only thing that's making you doubt your marriage then it's unlikely it's in serious trouble.