Author Topic: Milonga dildo commotion  (Read 3667 times)

machotrouts

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Milonga dildo commotion
« on: June 02, 2019, 04:30:28 AM »
I hadn't attended a milonga alone before. Usually, I go after tango classes, with a group of people from the class. The milonga regulars outside our group, like all strangers, are terrifying to me. What if they don't want to dance with me, what if they do want to dance with me and are subsequently disgusted by my moves, what if they just want me to drop the fuck dead? I don't know them, I can't depend on them. But tonight, my friend was DJing, and she specifically invited me. So I went on my own, nervous knowing that the one person I'm comfortable dancing with would probably be too busy to dance with me.

There'd never been security before. At the entrance, a security guard asked to see inside my bag. "...why?", I replied, wrongfooted. I could probably work that out for myself, but it was an honest question. "BECAUSE I WANT TO", he spat back. Alright mate. Not even busy.

Here's the problem: the bag is full of dildos.

I live with my parents, and a few months ago, we moved house. The main source of stress to me during the move was what to do with my bedside cabinet full of sex paraphernalia. I can't drive, so my parents and removal men were doing all the actual moving – there was nowhere to hide anything from them. Except, I realised, the bag I take to tango classes. I keep my dance shoes in there, but nothing much else – there was just about enough space left to accommodate my dildo medley. I can carry that bag around with me. Hide in plain sight. My mum was a bit bemused that I didn't seem to have any toiletries or other basic essentials the first few nights, since she saw me carrying a visibly crammed bag, but it didn't seem to arouse suspicion.

However, since the move, I haven't carved out an implicit don't-go-there-it's-probably-for-wanking zone. The former bedside cabinet has been repurposed as somewhere to pop your keys in the hall. There isn't really any place in my room that I wholly trust my parents not to go. So, in lieu of any better options, my sex toys stayed in my bag, and have come with me to every tango class, for months. For a while, this felt inappropriate, but gradually, it just became the norm. Going to tango – better not forget my bulging dildo bag. It had long stopped occurring to me that this might ever present an issue.

Now, I don't know that dildos aren't allowed into a milonga, but this wasn't how I wanted to find out. I refused to let the man inspect my dildo tango bag, and he refused me entry. My stepdad had not long dropped me off in the car, so I called him back, dumped my bag in the back seat – "can't take it in! It's too fucking full of dildos!", I didn't say – and returned to the milonga entrance.

What I didn't expect was to be refused entry again. "Because you wouldn't let me look inside your bag." But I don't have my bag. "But you wouldn't let me look inside when you did have your bag." But I don't have the bag now. The bag was the reason you didn't let me in, and it is no longer a factor. I have taken it out of the equation specifically to address this grievance. "I've already not let you in. I'm not changing my mind."

Baffled and furious, I spent several minutes having this circular argument. Devoid of any remotely viable ideas but unwilling to admit defeat, I genuinely started wondering if I was prepared to fight him. My fight instinct doesn't usually get a look in over flight, but I was standing eye to eye with him despite being 2 steps lower, and I am quite short. I reminded myself that you can't just get unlimited access to premises by defeating the security guards – that isn't how premises work – and flounced off, hissing "you are arbitrarily being a cunt!" (with 100% of the venom in the word "arbitrarily", not "cunt", which I think was a nice touch). The evening wasted, I stomped homeward with somehow even less dignity than if I'd just let him have a rummage in my dildo tango bag to start with.

And then, a group of milonga regulars recognised and intercepted me. The people I'd been scared of depending on in the first place. I told them what had happened (I left out the cunt and the dildos) and these people I'd been terrified of, who only peripherally knew me, offered to smuggle me in. Most of the group distracted the security guard (just by, like, going in at roughly the same time, not throwing rocks or getting their tits out or anything, but still) while one guy slipped me in a momentarily unwatched second entrance a few feet away.

It worked. I got in. I met back up with the distraction group in the milonga room, and one of them told me the guard didn't even ask to check her bag. "And I'm carrying a blender! Look!" She showed me her bag, and she was indeed carrying a blender. "It's because I'm a woman, I think. I just don't register to him as someone who might be carrying a blender." Everyone else there politely pretended not to notice that I was the guy they'd not long seen causing a commotion arguing with the security at the door, and the night proceeded as planned. My DJ friend even made time to dance with me.

After I got home, I could swear there was a quiet tension when my stepdad gave me back my dildo tango bag.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2019, 04:42:49 AM »
Good CaB username that.

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2019, 05:39:05 AM »
There were lots of words. Well done!

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2019, 07:52:29 AM »
Enjoyed the story about your bag of dildos.

Noonling

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2019, 08:34:39 AM »
Why hide your dildos? Your parents must know you are a sexual being. If you're that worried just put them on your windowsill with a label "for ornamental use only" and explain that bulbous dildos are a new art trend.

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2019, 08:49:37 AM »
You give no precise number of dildos? Can I assume it's more than three? Are they ethnically diverse?

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2019, 09:40:46 AM »
How big is the biggest dildo in your big bag of dildos?

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2019, 09:58:31 AM »
I don't understand why anyone would have a bag of dildos or why any man would have any dildos. Just bend your own dick up there if that's what you want.

Ronalado

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2019, 10:05:52 AM »
RONALADO move to cloud first. on premises bare metal dildo is not for today. advance teledildonics mean  OPEX model for all. DaaS is possible in all region with miror site in colon WEST GEMAnY

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2019, 10:07:29 AM »
How do you get over the, uh, you know... the fear? The dildo fear. They have an aura, a horrific power. The idea of one even touching my clothed backside terrifies me.

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2019, 10:19:37 AM »
Get it up your hoop probably. Like anything. Beer, mushrooms, height. Aversion therapy method.

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2019, 10:27:30 AM »
I found brother had a dildo stashed in a drawer in our childhood bedroom, a bright purple one, presumably for bumming himself with, and he wouldn't take it back to his flat no matter how many times I insisted. Kept it amongst the stuffed animals, sullying, they are all traumatised now,a childhood ruined. Golly got the worst of it, Golly the stuffed monkey, he was draped around it, and the end pressed into Antsy's face, a motheaten panda who served as the venerable elder statesman of the stuffed animal society. Nasty, heartbreaking stuff.

Milonga too fluid for a full-dildoing,and I expect milongest dildo should be reserved only for more rigid styles. I hear Peter Hain was doing the tango, Or had he been tangoe'd!?

Paul Calf

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2019, 12:00:21 PM »
Were they all dildos, or were some of them vibrators?

Voltan (Man of Steel)

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2019, 03:39:13 PM »
I remember they did one Peel session then disappeared without trace.

pancreas

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2019, 05:06:06 PM »
Was one a chocolate dildo, and did you find tooth marks in it when you got the bag back?

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #15 on: June 02, 2019, 05:21:44 PM »
“Hiya dad, mate, forgot I had my mysterious bag of secrets with me - I couldn’t let them look inside. Now you just look after this bag that I’m going to leave you alone with, and remember, no peeking!”

He deffo looked. I’d count them and make sure they’re all still present and correct.

Twit 2

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #16 on: June 02, 2019, 05:26:35 PM »
Be careful about replying to any of this guy’s posts. Every post he’s made has been about bags of dildos. This is a probably a scam.

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #17 on: June 02, 2019, 05:27:55 PM »
I once gave a still pissed mate a lift from Aberdeen to the Midlands. When I stopped for petrol he bought a jazz mag. He left it amongst the masses of detritus in my passenger footwell. So mucky was my motor, that I gave my dad a lift shortly afterwards and when we got home he proclaimed it disgusting and started shovelling the crap into the bin.

'do you want to keep the porn?'.

Another time a mate left a calipo wrapper on me dashboard in summer and ants came in through the air vents. Good times.

Johnny Yesno

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #18 on: June 02, 2019, 06:09:42 PM »
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alan nagsworth

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #19 on: June 02, 2019, 09:22:09 PM »
This reminds me of that Steps song, "Milonga The Dildo You Know".

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #20 on: June 02, 2019, 09:24:50 PM »
Why are you even going to this milonga thing when you have a whole bag of dildos at home?

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #21 on: June 02, 2019, 09:33:17 PM »
I want to be a machotrouts

hamfist

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #22 on: June 02, 2019, 10:20:33 PM »
I love everything about this.

I raise a glass to Machotrouts. God bless him and all who buzz in him.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #23 on: June 02, 2019, 10:35:15 PM »
Why are you even going to this milonga thing when you have a whole bag of dildos at home?

Good question.

MT - your response please?

Johnny Yesno

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #24 on: June 03, 2019, 12:44:15 AM »
And another question: Granted, it's entirely logical how you came to take a bag of dildos to a milonga. I get that. No further explanation needed. But, what on earth was that maniac doing taking a blender to a milonga?

Clownbaby

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #25 on: June 03, 2019, 12:55:43 AM »
With dildos I'm always put off by the inevitability that I'll have to give it a lil wash afterwards and there's something about washing myself off an inanimate object that I don't like.

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #26 on: June 03, 2019, 01:10:52 AM »
That's why I never use a toilet

pancreas

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #27 on: June 03, 2019, 09:09:01 AM »
Also, why do you need so many different dildos?

'I'm feeling delicate. I think this is a purple thin one day.'

'After a week of work like that, I think I must crack open the veiny green one.'

'Fucking hell, I just won the lottery. It's the enormous black ring-buster for the next half an hour.'

'An ex-boyfriend is coming round for tea. I think the barbed white one would be just perfect right now.'

ZoyzaSorris

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Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #28 on: June 03, 2019, 09:22:29 AM »
As a naive ingenue when it comes to the broad mucus-spattered dildo frontier I have to say I was wondering the same thing.

Re: Milonga dildo commotion
« Reply #29 on: June 03, 2019, 09:28:30 AM »
the broad mucus-spattered dildo frontier

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