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Milonga dildo commotion

Started by machotrouts, June 02, 2019, 04:30:28 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

kittens

i wonder if i would like a dildo up the arse.

also what is milonga

ZoyzaSorris

Im guessing it is the equivalent of the surprise and joy of lots of different cocks up your arse rather than the dull monogamous monotony of a homogenous rodding from a single morphology of member?

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: kittens on June 03, 2019, 09:42:17 AM
i wonder if i would like a dildo up the arse.



Dion and the Belmonts admit lyrics "need work".

Buelligan

I absolutely loved this story, thank you machotrouts for giving this to us.

But it has driven my anal order disorder into fucking OVERDRIVE

Please, please, please, go out and borrow, steal or purchase something like this -



It will enable you to store, display and maintain, your wonderful collection of dildii in a beautiful, and clean, manner, as they deserve.  I think it may also be a small step on the road to opening up your proclivities in a sensitive and tasteful way, to the dear parents.

Do this for me.  No more dusty tango bags, thank you.

Flouncer

This thread has reminded me of one of the funniest things I've ever seen on here. There was a graffiti thread, and a poster had taken a photo of a lamppost on which someone had written "Tom Reed's mum is a MILF" in black marker, then further down the road on another lamppost they'd written "Tom Reed's mum has a briefcase full of dildos". I think what made it so amusing was that whoever wrote it had chosen a briefcase as a storage repository for the sex toys.

Bazooka

Same thing happened to me when a security guard wanted to look in my sack of fleshlights.

Johnny Yesno


Neville Chamberlain

Best dildos-in-a-bag story I've read all day!

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: pancreas on June 03, 2019, 09:09:01 AM
Also, why do you need so many different dildos?

'I'm feeling delicate. I think this is a purple thin one day.'

'After a week of work like that, I think I must crack open the veiny green one.'

'Fucking hell, I just won the lottery. It's the enormous black ring-buster for the next half an hour.'

'An ex-boyfriend is coming round for tea. I think the barbed white one would be just perfect right now.'

'fire up the two-stroke'

Ferris

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on June 03, 2019, 03:27:52 PM
'fire up the two-stroke'

The opportunity to use a Wankel engine must not be wasted.

Captain Z

Everybody's doing a brand new dance now,
come on Milonga dildo commotion

JesusAndYourBush

Gorillaz
♫I got dildos in a bag  ♫

machotrouts

Quote from: paruses on June 02, 2019, 09:24:50 PM
Why are you even going to this milonga thing when you have a whole bag of dildos at home?

I don't even really like dildos. I'm not sure I've used them since the move. They're a nuisance now. A bane. Dildos follow me around everywhere and there's nothing to be done about it.

Quote from: kittens on June 03, 2019, 09:42:17 AM
i wonder if i would like a dildo up the arse.

kittens, you are the only person in this thread proposing a viable solution for where to put these fucking dildos. Thank you

Quote from: Clownbaby on June 03, 2019, 12:55:43 AM
With dildos I'm always put off by the inevitability that I'll have to give it a lil wash afterwards and there's something about washing myself off an inanimate object that I don't like.

You're supposed to wash them? Oh no

Quote from: pancreas on June 03, 2019, 09:09:01 AM
Also, why do you need so many different dildos?

While "sex paraphernalia" deteriorated to "dildo medley" for simplicity over the course of that post, the bag also includes a Tenga Flip Hole – the precise opposite of a dildo – and three bottles of lube. Between those and my poor haunted tango shoes, you don't need a great deal of dildo mass to fill the remaining space.

But the specific answer to your question is, mechanical differences. Some dildos are made with functions other than "get in an arsehole".

Quote from: alan nagsworth on June 02, 2019, 09:22:09 PM
"Milonga The Dildo You Know".
Quote from: Captain Z on June 03, 2019, 03:35:12 PM
Everybody's doing a brand new dance now,
come on Milonga dildo commotion


That's two separate Kylie Minogue lyrics in this thread. What are you lot fucking gay or something

flotemysost

This story is excellent, thank you.

What do you do with a sex toy that's been put out to pasture? You can't very well just pop it in a bin bag with some old tea towels and take it down the Salvation Army shop. Well, especially not them.

St_Eddie

#44
Quote from: flotemysost on June 03, 2019, 10:23:40 PM
This story is excellent, thank you.

What do you do with a sex toy that's been put out to pasture? You can't very well just pop it in a bin bag with some old tea towels and take it down the Salvation Army shop. Well, especially not them.

Landfill, mate.  85% of landfills are mountains comprised solely of dildos and fleshlights.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: kittens on June 03, 2019, 09:42:17 AM
i wonder if i would like a dildo up the arse.


It's always yes

idunnosomename

Quote from: St_Eddie on June 03, 2019, 10:37:12 PM
Landfill, mate.  85% of landfills are mountains comprised solely of dildos and fleshlights.
oh my gODDD

Captain Z

Quote from: St_Eddie on June 03, 2019, 10:37:12 PM
Landfill, mate.  85% of landfills are mountains comprised solely of dildos and fleshlights.

It's someone's job to insert the former inside the latter to save space.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Captain Z on June 03, 2019, 11:28:53 PM
It's someone's job to insert the former inside the latter to save space.

Have you ever seen that video where someone tips out a whole canned chicken? I bet the noise shoving a discarded dildo into a discarded fleshlight sounds like that in reverse.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

They tip a whole canned chicken out of their arse? Bet it was warm enough to eat.

machotrouts

Quote from: machotrouts on June 03, 2019, 09:19:54 PMWhile "sex paraphernalia" deteriorated to "dildo medley" for simplicity over the course of that post, the bag also includes a Tenga Flip Hole – the precise opposite of a dildo – and three bottles of lube.

Oh and an anal douche.

Quote from: flotemysost on June 03, 2019, 10:23:40 PMWhat do you do with a sex toy that's been put out to pasture? You can't very well just pop it in a bin bag with some old tea towels and take it down the Salvation Army shop. Well, especially not them.

The packaging was hard enough. My mum popped out for half an hour one day and I chose that moment to feed a dildo box through her shredder. I overestimated how much a shredder can shred. I was there for the entire half hour, trying to stuff it into the grinding, wheezing maw. After 25 minutes, with only half the dildo box shredded, it overheated and turned off, and I spent the remaining 5 minutes desperately trying to tug the jammed dildo box back out from the mechanism.

The next time I got a half-hour slot, I opted to manually cut up the surviving half of the dildo box with a pair of kitchen scissors, into parts small enough that the word "dildo", any related terms, and the actual big picture of a dildo, were not identifiable if anyone fancied having a root through our recycling bin. Unfortunately, I did a very poor job of keeping the bits I'd cut up all in one place to dispose of easily, and for a few days afterwards, my mum kept finding tiny unidentifiable box shards in the kitchen and asking where they came from. "It's for a project", I said, which was apparently satisfactory.

I don't really want to get rid of the dildos themselves. I'm not actively using them, but I want to keep my options/arsehole open. Might fancy it of a rainy day. I just don't want to be relentlessly carrying them to tango classes like a maniac.

flotemysost

Quote from: St_Eddie on June 03, 2019, 10:37:12 PM
Landfill, mate.  85% of landfills are mountains comprised solely of dildos and fleshlights.

Extinction Rebell-endion

Friends of the Girth

seepage

Quote from: machotrouts on June 04, 2019, 08:36:05 PM
The packaging was hard enough. My mum popped out for half an hour one day and I chose that moment to feed a dildo box through her shredder. I overestimated how much a shredder can shred. I was there for the entire half hour, trying to stuff it into the grinding, wheezing maw. After 25 minutes, with only half the dildo box shredded, it overheated and turned off, and I spent the remaining 5 minutes desperately trying to tug the jammed dildo box back out from the mechanism.

The next time I got a half-hour slot, I opted to manually cut up the surviving half of the dildo box with a pair of kitchen scissors, into parts small enough that the word "dildo", any related terms, and the actual big picture of a dildo, were not identifiable if anyone fancied having a root through our recycling bin. Unfortunately, I did a very poor job of keeping the bits I'd cut up all in one place to dispose of easily, and for a few days afterwards, my mum kept finding tiny unidentifiable box shards in the kitchen and asking where they came from. "It's for a project", I said, which was apparently satisfactory.

Is her shredder pre-war or something? mine's a cheap model from the nineties yet can take a stack of 10 MPEG-1 porn Video CDs easy, which is rather more than the odd bit of dildo cardboard.

Captain Z

Surely you pass a public bin on the way to Tango.

Harpo Speaks

Quote from: Neville Chamberlain on June 03, 2019, 01:12:40 PM
Best dildos-in-a-bag story I've read all day!

Dildo Baggings?

Now you're tolkien.

poo


Cold Meat Platter

Can we get a vicar involved in this situation please? Maybe he could have unknowing custody of the dildos when the bishop calls round with the same bag?

Johnny Yesno

I want to know more about the blender-in-a-bag woman.

Jittlebags

Quote from: Cold Meat Platter on June 04, 2019, 11:20:20 PM
Can we get a vicar involved in this situation please? Maybe he could have unknowing custody of the dildos when the bishop calls round with the same bag?

I think I could persuade Brian Rix to join in. Oh, bugger.

Jittlebags

Speaking of which, there was a time where I confused Brian Rix and Cardew the Cad. What their stance was on dildoes and Pocket Fannies remains ambivalent. I imagine that Cardew would be enthusiastic, but Brian could probably take them or leave them.