Author Topic: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.  (Read 1213 times)

Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #30 on: June 06, 2019, 05:26:22 PM »
- Who should i support?

- What does a foot ball fan do?

- How can I find out about the rules and "lingo" of foot ball?

Foot ball fans please take me under your wing.

You've left it late to be a football fan but there's a big push this year to get people watching women's football. You could be right at the start of that. It's also the women's World Cup quite soon so you could start on a high.

shiftwork2

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Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #31 on: June 06, 2019, 05:35:38 PM »
Read Fever Pitch by bald man from the 90s.  He started his foot ball-watching career with Cambridge United which is now your team.  Later on he gets into some scrapes with girlfriends and flats you know the fucking caper, but foot ball saves him as it's always there like the moon.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

  • Two pound ten a tit and a fiver for his arse.
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #32 on: June 06, 2019, 05:41:59 PM »
Our old PE teacher once told us, with a completely straight face, that football is a game of two halves. I don't think he was taking the piss either, I think he was just stupid.

imitationleather

  • "The French... are famous... for their kissing"
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Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #33 on: June 06, 2019, 05:43:15 PM »
Our old PE teacher once told us, with a completely straight face, that football is a game of two halves. I don't think he was taking the piss either, I think he was just stupid.

It's no wonder you laughed.

Everyone knows it's a game of six segments.

This post goes out to all my boys from the World Cup 2018 threads.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

  • Two pound ten a tit and a fiver for his arse.
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #34 on: June 06, 2019, 07:38:59 PM »
Football though, isn't it? Wasn't it? Marvellous.

Zetetic

  • Burying isn't the same as killing.
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #35 on: June 06, 2019, 07:45:53 PM »
How is your collection of chimp photos doing?

Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #36 on: June 06, 2019, 09:00:57 PM »
Shittest thing ever

Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #37 on: June 06, 2019, 11:13:24 PM »

chveik

  • Her Laugh Is Like A Flock Of Tiny Birds
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #38 on: June 06, 2019, 11:18:56 PM »
come on Bergkamp, you've got 22 legs, use them!

ZoyzaSorris

  • if you can smell me it's too late
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2019, 11:25:14 PM »
Whitehawk F.C mate. That's your team.

"A section of Whitehawk's fans call themselves the Whitehawk Ultras. The Ultras aim to have fun, as well as espousing a strong anti-homophobic, anti-sexist, anti-racist and anti-fascist stance. They promote local charitable causes, non-league football and togetherness, as an antidote to what they see as the commercialised world of the Premier League. The Ultras have links with similar other fans groups such as Eastbourne Town's Pier Pressure."

Fucking hell, that’s not the Whitehawk I remember, that one was chock full of all manner of horrific cunts.

Bum Flaps

  • Don't cock it up this time!
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #40 on: June 07, 2019, 01:35:00 AM »
It is important to remember that sometimes there will be several games of Foot Balls, interconnected in a hierarchical sequence.
This is described as an Foots Ball Coup or Torment.

Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #41 on: June 07, 2019, 02:05:33 AM »
It is a truth barely acknowledged by anyone that I had no interest in the foot ball until last year, when a World Cup was broadcast on television. At this point, I discovered that if I placed an amount of money on one team to beat the other, I could become interested in the outcome. A whole world of boot-on-leather entertainment opened up in front of me, and I realised- a road to Damascus moment- this is the way to become a fan of the foot ball!

The best odds for placing a bet on the foot ball are to be found on the betting exchanges, where you can guess if your team will win, lose, or draw in ninety minutes. Go on, have a guess! You can also find boosted prices on various bookmaker websites, such as SportingBet.com, BettingSport.com and SportyBortBetterBets.com. These are a good market if you want to bet on cards (whether the referee spots a player doing a bad thing), middles (betting that a team will score more than one goal, but less than, say, eighty) or penalties (if the referee spots a player doing a bad thing near the goal, and lets an opposing player have a go at kicking the ball into it)

Amounts of money that can be bet on the foot ball include two pounds fifty, eighty-six pence, and seven hundred pounds. If you choose to bet seven hundred pounds on the foot ball, you will become very interested in the outcome of the game, with associated feelings of euphoria, depression, frustration, anger, guilt, bargaining, and finally acceptance and poverty. Congratulations! You are now a true fan of the foot ball, ready to follow it's wily ways all the way to Wembley... and beyond!


Responsible Gambling-  Remember your bet can lose as well as win. Only gamble with money you can afford to lose. Football is NOT coming home. Don't gamble when you're depressed or upset. Balance gambling with other activities, such as moving house to avoid the bailiffs.

Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #42 on: June 07, 2019, 03:14:16 AM »
Top tip: The goal of the game is to score a goal, the net is also referred to as a goal,the goalkeeper or goal boy, keeps the goal maintained, and they own it, hence the term 'own goal'.

Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #43 on: June 07, 2019, 06:23:13 AM »
I just try to think of the most hateful thing I can imagine about a team, player or fans, then pretend to offer a compliment before saying exactly that hateful thing. No sarcasm, no banter, no joshing. Just cold, dead hate.

touchingcloth

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Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #44 on: June 07, 2019, 08:02:30 AM »
To pick a team to support, go with the one whose players have done either the most or the fewest rapes. The rapists are less honourable than the non-rapists, but they are better at the game. "Rapey in bed, back of the net", as they say.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • ...to stab you with!
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #45 on: June 07, 2019, 08:12:03 AM »
I respect your decision, Madders, and I hope you fully commit to it.

You're going to have to go to University for three years to learn the fucking offside rule, for a start.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • ...to stab you with!
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2019, 08:16:30 AM »


The final scene from " Un Chien Andalou " has let itself go.

Voltan (Man of Steel)

  • 8% English, apparently
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2019, 08:17:29 AM »
There are various footy-sounding things you can say to break the ice with other fans when watching a game. When you're standing at the urinals having a half-time widdle, you can turn to the bloke next to you and say something like:

I'm not a fan of long balls. How about you?

They need to pump more hard balls into the box.

I like it when they hold it up at the back.


Anything like that should do the trick.



Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • ...to stab you with!
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #48 on: June 07, 2019, 08:20:37 AM »
There are various footy-sounding things you can say to break the ice with other fans when watching a game. When you're standing at the urinals having a half-time widdle, you can turn to the bloke next to you and say something like:

I'm not a fan of long balls. How about you?

They need to pump more hard balls into the box.

I like it when they hold it up at the back.


Anything like that should do the trick.

You should also mention how much you like sucking a Fisherman's Friend, too.

clever cross- referencing, cheers.

Voltan (Man of Steel)

  • 8% English, apparently
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #49 on: June 07, 2019, 08:29:11 AM »
You'd have to pick your moment. Don't want to give the wrong impression.

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #50 on: June 07, 2019, 08:38:52 AM »
The wanker in the black is the referee (although confusingly they sometimes wear yellow or even pink if they are a gay or Italian). The referee is like a PE teacher and runs around saying things like "I saw that!" and "Not again, Worthington!" and "Let Pingers Minor out of that headlock Ponsonby, remember what happened last time".

Some fans of foot ball have trouble remembering who the wanker in the black is and loudly call for reminders during the game, you would think they would remember by now.

Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #51 on: June 09, 2019, 01:06:26 AM »
the only footballer i respect is vinny jones. he saw the game for what it truly is; an opportunity to brutalise a bunch of proper little fannies with savage kicks and headbutts to the groin.

maybe also cantona for encouraging audience participation.


Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #52 on: June 09, 2019, 03:05:43 AM »
the only footballer i respect is vinny jones. he saw the game for what it truly is; an opportunity to brutalise a bunch of proper little fannies with savage kicks and headbutts to the groin.

maybe also cantona for encouraging audience participation.

Sir, I raise you a Graeme Souness:
https://youtu.be/ygVgxYa3mlo

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Decided to become a Foot Ball fan.
« Reply #53 on: June 09, 2019, 03:49:22 PM »
Sir, I raise you a Graeme Souness:
https://youtu.be/ygVgxYa3mlo

My favourite ever foul, that. I love the way the cunt tries to protest as well, that takes some front.