Shit year.

[Snake Plissken]

Admins. Pancake. He once tried to upskirt Taylor Shift, but he had a burger in his hand and when he went to take the pic the burger fell on his face, its his claim to fame.

[sevendaughters]

Uurrgh this sounds like a dilly of a pickle, and no mistake. If I were in your position, and I'm not so I can just say impossible things like they're no big deal, but I'd issue a 'get out and deal with the consequences of what you want' ultimatum. I mean, it's not your problem if her girlfriends kids know is it?

Same with a modification: chuck her out and let her figure it out.

[amnesiac]

It's an abhorrent practice but if you feel like posting revenge porn on imgur can you send us a link.

[Goldentony]

No helicopter looking for a murder
Two in the morning got the fat burger
Even saw the lights of the shityear blimp
And it read Ice Cube - Your Wife's Off, Mate

[tookish]

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on. I don't have any helpful advice, or indeed anything really helpful to say - just know that I'm thinking of you, extending warmth in your direction. And if you need to vent, PLEASE DO PM.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I don't think one can really describe a year as shit when there's still six months of it to go. Wait until November, then it might have gotten really shit.

[biggytitbo]

Have you considered becoming a lesbian yourself to see if that helps?

[Snake Plissken]

you live with your parents and eat alphabites for breakfast you cum stain

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96NelAjjH4U

[RossFromFriends]

Uurrgh this sounds like a dilly of a pickle, and no mistake. If I were in your position, and I'm not so I can just say impossible things like they're no big deal, but I'd issue a 'get out and deal with the consequences of what you want' ultimatum. I mean, it's not your problem if her girlfriends kids know is it?

Yeah the ultimatum idea sounds good but it doesn't really work in practice. What if she says OK and stays - it doesn't mean she'll suddenly start desiring dick.

And in many ways I don't want to chuck her out. We do get on well, it's just the sex that doesn't work. It would be shit for the kids, and having to raise the kids on my own/mostly on my own would be hard.

Just been to couples therapy, and this was one of the things that came up. Staying in the same house does leave me with lots of uncertainty and fear about my role. But we're trying to work out how we can live together and keep a family home.

[drummersaredeaf]

I'm not sure if I think trying to do the right thing to keep the family unit together is the right thing or not. I don't think I'd be able to do it for all sorts of reasons, but I guess it's for you to thrash out with a counsellor.

I do know for certain that if the genders were reversed and this were Mumsnet, the unequivocal response would be LTB and she can be the one to find somewhere to live.

[QDRPHNC]

I started dating again at 40. People our age understand the messiness of kids, divorces, etc. Just be up-front about your situation.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I'm not sure if I think trying to do the right thing to keep the family unit together is the right thing or not. I don't think I'd be able to do it for all sorts of reasons, but I guess it's for you to thrash out with a counsellor.

I do know for certain that if the genders were reversed and this were Mumsnet, the unequivocal response would be LTB and she can be the one to find somewhere to live.

I know most of my friends who had parents 'staying together' while their marriages were over considered it a sigh of relief when they moved out rather than sleeping in each other's rooms.

As for the mumsnet thing I'd have thought if the genders were reversed it'd be 'pack him off to live with his bumchum and try and keep the house'.

[drummersaredeaf]

I know most of my friends who had parents 'staying together' while their marriages were over considered it a sigh of relief when they moved out rather than sleeping in each other's rooms.

As for the mumsnet thing I'd have thought if the genders were reversed it'd be 'pack him off to live with his bumchum and try and keep the house'.

Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I was saying. LTB is Mumsnet code for leave the bastard.

I appreciate my gender swap section is confusing because our OP could be named he or she in this case. If you don't tell Glinner then I promise I won't either.

But yeah, a story where DH discovers gay urges at Christmas and wrecks the family and it would be very much a case of him being told to fuck off and do it elsewhere. A cake and eat it scenario.

I'm inclined to agree with that as a serious affront to dignity, but maybe there is a case where a couple could carry on. I have very little time for being cunted about and I'd have divorce papers in already tbh.

[GMTV]

Cry wank over Katy Perry's I kissed a girl music video.

Dust yourself down, head out on the town and see how you get on.

[RossFromFriends]

We're very clear that we're not staying in the same house for the kids. Possibly because we're afraid of change and possibly because neither of us wants to move into a bedsit. Stated reason is because we do like each other and work well together. But not for the kids.

I do know for certain that if the genders were reversed and this were Mumsnet, the unequivocal response would be LTB and she can be the one to find somewhere to live.

Oh yeah, definitely. But most of the advice about this on the internet seems to be from people who basically hate each other, or feel trapped by their partner. We don't, MrsFriends answer to "what do you want" is "I want reality to be different". She doesn't desire to have sex with me*, and doesn't think we can be happy being sexless (and is probably right - I have low confidence/ego issues about my attractiveness).

Hopefully I can move on and be happy. Fearfully, I end up wasting my life waiting for her to "change her mind".

Thanks for the comments about dating at my age being OK - I wasn't good at it when I was 20 and have confidence issues.

*but enjoyed it when we did do it, which was/is confusing for everyone

[drummersaredeaf]

Mate, I'm going to get properly off the fence here now, and go full Mumsnet.

Fuck her off. She's ended your marriage by being unfaithful but seems to want the security it brings and is not willing to go the full way. Honestly, having one foot in as she has is a piss take and is her taking advantage.

Your ego issues are perhaps facilitating this in making you reluctant to sever the tie, but for your own sanity you need to do it. I can relate, and have put up with shit from women in the past where I've let them get away with more than I should have because of similar issues. Honestly, it will chew you up, and you deserve better. She wants this woman? Then she needs to take the leap. At the minute she has the financial and emotional support from you while getting her jollies elsewhere, and you are getting very little out of it.

If it were me I'd say there's enough there to say it's done and there's no point lingering over it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, and I'm not meaning to phrase it like this to be brutal, but she's got one foot in and one out, and that isn't fair. If you're not doing it for the kids then why else would you do it?

[chveik]

listen to Shellac's Prayer to God.

[holyzombiejesus]

Wouldn't it be ace if this was Milverton or TFM.

I'm guessing it isn't and i do genuinely feel for you, I can't imagine how painful this must be. Having said that, apart from all the heartache and sadness you're experiencing,  what do you actually want. Do you want your relationship back with your wife? Do you think that's possible? What's the other woman's status - you mentioned her not wanting her kids to know.

[Buelligan]

Mate, I'm going to get properly off the fence here now, and go full Mumsnet.

Fuck her off. She's ended your marriage by being unfaithful but seems to want the security it brings and is not willing to go the full way. Honestly, having one foot in as she has is a piss take and is her taking advantage.

Your ego issues are perhaps facilitating this in making you reluctant to sever the tie, but for your own sanity you need to do it. I can relate, and have put up with shit from women in the past where I've let them get away with more than I should have because of similar issues. Honestly, it will chew you up, and you deserve better. She wants this woman? Then she needs to take the leap. At the minute she has the financial and emotional support from you while getting her jollies elsewhere, and you are getting very little out of it.

If it were me I'd say there's enough there to say it's done and there's no point lingering over it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, and I'm not meaning to phrase it like this to be brutal, but she's got one foot in and one out, and that isn't fair. If you're not doing it for the kids then why else would you do it?

I'm not sure (about fucking her off).  I think you need to think long term, how do you want this to turn out.  Completely disregard the option of everything going back to how it was, THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. 

But maybe, it might be possible to find a living together compromise (at least in the short to medium term, if that suits you both).  I think you need to get some advice from a divorce lawyer (just to make sure you don't do anything or agree to anything that will put you in the shit at a later date).  Just get the advice.  Then talk very honestly together. 

If, at some point her gf moves in, you don't want to be the live-in au pair.  Similarly, if you meet someone, you might find you want to live with them at some point, how will that work?  You need to talk about all of this but do not get angry or spiteful, just decide what you want and hold out firmly for it.

This is a bad thing that's happened in your life, now you need to accept it and work hard to make sure that your future, with your kids and with all your potential for happiness, is the absolute best you can make it.  It will be hard but if you hold fast and keep strong, you will get out the other side of this and be proper happy again.  I'm sure you will.  Make yourself beautiful, make yourself strong. 

[pigamus]

Wouldn't it be ace if this was Milverton or TFM.

No.

[holyzombiejesus]

Yes

[RossFromFriends]

If it were me I'd say there's enough there to say it's done and there's no point lingering over it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, and I'm not meaning to phrase it like this to be brutal, but she's got one foot in and one out, and that isn't fair. If you're not doing it for the kids then why else would you do it?

Because I like her? Because I enjoy the time we spend together? Because financially we'd both be worse off?

I very much appreciate the affront to dignity thing but I think I'm OK with that - this is something where the whole lesbian thing comes in. I have looked at open relationship stuff, and there was one essay about how common open relationship rules like "she can have sex with other women but not men" don't work. The main thrust was it treats female-female sex as somehow not counting as sex.*

That's true, but what does it matter? Why have a no male-female sex rule? The affront to dignity. And I don't think the mrs wanting to have sex with women is an affront to my dignity. I'm not a woman - I'm OK with that.

It's not as if the gf is going to get her pregnant and I'm going to be raising someone else's child.

You might be right, and this is neither of us accepting what is happening. I don't see much benefit in leaving her.

*(actually the main thrust was that "laws" and relationships don't really work, but the context I'm thinking in is f/f sex doesn't count)

[Sebastian Cobb]

We're very clear that we're not staying in the same house for the kids. Possibly because we're afraid of change and po

Staying together for cost savings and fear of the unknown is far worse. You're 38, which isn't the end of anything but ultimately, life is a series of closing doors.

[RossFromFriends]

Some posts which raise good questions I want to answer as best I can but I have to fuck this off now or I'll never go to bed.

(50/50 whether I post on the right account tomorrow)

[Buelligan]

Yeah, go to bed you twat.  Sleep really well and wake feeling strong. 

Staying together for cost savings and fear of the unknown is far worse. You're 38, which isn't the end of anything but ultimately, life is a series of closing doors.

But he's not saying he's going to remain like this forever.

I think, if you've got one good thing, stable home that you like and that's a good home for you and your kids, if there are no fights and shit, why burn all that down for no reason at all?  At some point, it will probably change but if it's the best option for now, if it's suiting everyone right now, what is problem?

[Sebastian Cobb]

If it was all wrapped up that simply they wouldn't be creating the thread would they?

Do you need resetting buellers? Your solution to everything is usually some florid description of solitude.

[chveik]

even St Francis had his little moments of weakness.

[Buelligan]

Do you need resetting buellers? Your solution to everything is usually some florid description of solitude.

That's what suits me, we're talking about someone who has kids and wants to be with them, obviously likes his home comforts, not me.

[madhair60]

Mate it's 2019, men can be lesbians now. What's the problem? Just be a lesbian. And if your wife has a problem with that she's a fucking TERF, launch her into the sun.

[a duncandisorderly]

the kids first. you & the mrs are supposed to be grown-ups.