Author Topic: Shit year.  (Read 3019 times)

gib

  • weak and wobbly
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #60 on: June 07, 2019, 12:53:58 AM »
the kids first. you & the mrs are supposed to be grown-ups.

Listen, this might not be best for the kids but his wife thought it was very important to have better sex than the sex she was having which was not right for her at all.

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #61 on: June 07, 2019, 01:03:09 AM »
this is a complicated issue and sadly I don't have an answer

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #62 on: June 07, 2019, 06:59:16 AM »
Sounds like it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

Phoenix Lazarus

  • Why bother writing stuff below your avatar?
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #63 on: June 07, 2019, 07:03:48 AM »
But we'll be there for you-oo-ou - or some of us will be, some of the time, anyway.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #64 on: June 07, 2019, 07:21:00 AM »
I'm going through a half in half out situation with my relationship. I think I posted about it on here last year. I was working through a reconciliation with my ex having moved out last year, but that's fallen apart. I'm finding the disentangling emotions part hard, we have a son, and I have a dream of us being a family, but we are struggling to commit to a relationship. I think I've been too soft and been giving way too much, mostly in the hope we can provide a stable family life for our little boy. From the outside looking in it can seem easy to see a resolution, the truth is it will remain messy and unclear for a while. I hope you take care of yourself during this time Ross, as well as looking out for your family.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #65 on: June 07, 2019, 08:51:00 AM »
I get what you were saying about an open relationship, and remain open minded as to whether that's viable. That's for you and the counsellor to discuss really.

But what I'm saying is this - at the minute it sounds very much like she's having all the benefits of an open relationship and you're not. Yes, you are benefiting financially from cohabiting, but then so is she, and she's having all the fun of having another lover. And from what you've said so far it sounds like this also came about because she cheated too. It wasn't like you had an open thing and she went from being a marginal to a safe seat (that being bi to exclusively women).

Definitely don't agree to this situation because you don't think you can find someone else. Talk to a counsellor about that too.

For context, there is a hint of projection here too. I've never tolerated anyone getting away with taking the piss, other than one time I met someone I really liked who I tolerated doing quite a few things that would normally be red cards (most for second yellow offences in fairness). The mental strain of being cunted about was murder, but I persisted in the hope of working out what was going on.

Certainly counseling helped me. The question 'what advice would you give to your best friend in the same situation?' helped. Because in my case the answer was get rid.

phes

  • Member
  • **
  • operating as a shape
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #66 on: June 07, 2019, 09:57:50 AM »
You can do just exactly whatever you want to do now. And you know why, because you're a young one, a bachelor boy, a crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchist!

start with getting on the apps and doing a load of dirty fucking. Transitioning to an open relationship when both parties really aren't wanting and excited by the idea always sounds like a fucking disaster to me. See how appealing the offer is after six months or a year of rutting with other fun humans
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 10:08:05 AM by phes »

Chollis

  • Master of Codes
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #67 on: June 07, 2019, 10:29:36 AM »
Mate, I'm going to get properly off the fence here now, and go full Mumsnet.

Start dating the girlfriend's kids.

Buelligan

  • STOP being afraid
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #68 on: June 07, 2019, 10:30:52 AM »
I get what you were saying about an open relationship, and remain open minded as to whether that's viable. That's for you and the counsellor to discuss really.

But what I'm saying is this - at the minute it sounds very much like she's having all the benefits of an open relationship and you're not. Yes, you are benefiting financially from cohabiting, but then so is she, and she's having all the fun of having another lover. And from what you've said so far it sounds like this also came about because she cheated too. It wasn't like you had an open thing and she went from being a marginal to a safe seat (that being bi to exclusively women).

Definitely don't agree to this situation because you don't think you can find someone else. Talk to a counsellor about that too.

For context, there is a hint of projection here too. I've never tolerated anyone getting away with taking the piss, other than one time I met someone I really liked who I tolerated doing quite a few things that would normally be red cards (most for second yellow offences in fairness). The mental strain of being cunted about was murder, but I persisted in the hope of working out what was going on.

Certainly counseling helped me. The question 'what advice would you give to your best friend in the same situation?' helped. Because in my case the answer was get rid.

Yes, but did you have kids?  Did you share a home which, if you walked out, you would be losing?  Had you invested sixteen years in getting to that point?

I agree that he should definitely move on.  IMO, the relationship is over (as it was), but a civilised friendship is not a bad thing to replace it with, if the alternative is to have a dire enemy (who is a co-parent of your children and a co-owner of your home).

IMO, when shit gets existential, it's time to plan your moves carefully.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #69 on: June 07, 2019, 10:42:18 AM »
Sounds like it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

Good one!

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #70 on: June 07, 2019, 11:15:41 AM »
Sorry for your woes, man. Hope things work out.

Ham Bap

  • I’m a ham bap.
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #71 on: June 07, 2019, 02:24:48 PM »
I’m the same age with 1 kid.
If my wife did the same she’d be getting booted out not having her cake and eating it.
Actions have consequences. I wouldn’t be making it easy for her to have the best life whilst I’m getting torn up inside and being fucking miserable.

I also wouldn’t be sitting around waiting/hoping that her fling falls apart and for her to come running back as I’d expect her to go running off and do the same thing again.


amnesiac

  • Please consider downvoting me
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #72 on: June 07, 2019, 02:32:57 PM »
Sorry for your woes, man. Hope things work out.

really really doesn't work with your av

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #73 on: June 07, 2019, 02:48:42 PM »
Because I like her? Because I enjoy the time we spend together?

IMO please don't make these the primary reasons for trying to make cohabiting work. Admirable as it is, in five years time you'll both have moved on and be living very separate lives, no matter how much you protest now that that won't be the case. It is better to start getting on with your new life aged 38 than aged 43.

Glebe

  • Cheers, thanks mate, nice one.
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #74 on: June 07, 2019, 02:50:15 PM »
really really doesn't work with your av

Sorry. Ignore Avon on the side there.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #75 on: June 07, 2019, 03:21:42 PM »
You need to be careful with regards to the kids. I let my ex walk all over me because I thought I was doing the right thing by the kids, when she was living what was effectively "the single life" whilst I'm at home looking after the kids.

That's not to say that you won't still want to spend every waking moment with your kids because you will. I'm five years removed and I still get quite depressed at the thought of not being there when they wake up, taking them to school, hearing about their day, sitting down for dinner, putting them to bed, etc. I found it very hard to transition to not being around them every day but it was the healthiest thing I could do. It isn't my job to do all the heavy lifting with the consequences of her decisions.

Trying to get the balance between your responsibilities and your obligations is crucial. The pull is to be with them at all times, but you can't be. It's not fair. It took a long time for me to realise how the power balance was all wrong and was actively scuppering my attempts to move on and live my life for me.

Even now, my ex is having another kid and she's tried to get me to take time off from work to look after our kids when she's in hospital. Those kids are my responsibility, and I'd love to spend a bit of time with them, but her childcare arrangements whilst she's having a kid with another man aren't anything to do with me. She didn't check with me before she got knocked up and it's hardly force majeure. So, no. My holiday is being saved to when we mutually arranged it, so I can have quality time with them, not babysitting time.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #76 on: June 07, 2019, 03:26:37 PM »
Thanks all, I've been trying to give myself a rest by not thinking about this much today hence why I haven't posted on here. Thanks in particular to Buelligan, and I think Captain Z is on the nose their. This is definitely a transition state (although I think one of the things I've learnt i that life is always a transition state and I took being married for granted).

I think the main thing now is too avoid the easy routine stuff that works and is enjoyable. Need to break that routine. So not eating together or watching films together or what have you. Be separate as separate as we can in the same house, at least for awhile.

Buelligan

  • STOP being afraid
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #77 on: June 07, 2019, 03:58:38 PM »
Take good care of yourself Ross and remember, we really are here for you, there's always some awful cunt online here, so, if you need us, just whistle.  And do think about getting some professional advice - don't get talked into anything, just find out the obvious and not so obvious, pitfalls to be avoided.  Hugs.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #78 on: June 07, 2019, 04:22:26 PM »
I think the main thing now is too avoid the easy routine stuff that works and is enjoyable. Need to break that routine. So not eating together or watching films together or what have you. Be separate as separate as we can in the same house, at least for awhile.



Sorted.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #79 on: June 07, 2019, 04:33:07 PM »
I'm not sure (about fucking her off).  I think you need to think long term, how do you want this to turn out.  Completely disregard the option of everything going back to how it was, THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. 

But maybe, it might be possible to find a living together compromise (at least in the short to medium term, if that suits you both).  I think you need to get some advice from a divorce lawyer (just to make sure you don't do anything or agree to anything that will put you in the shit at a later date).  Just get the advice.  Then talk very honestly together. 

If, at some point her gf moves in, you don't want to be the live-in au pair.  Similarly, if you meet someone, you might find you want to live with them at some point, how will that work?  You need to talk about all of this but do not get angry or spiteful, just decide what you want and hold out firmly for it.

This is a bad thing that's happened in your life, now you need to accept it and work hard to make sure that your future, with your kids and with all your potential for happiness, is the absolute best you can make it.  It will be hard but if you hold fast and keep strong, you will get out the other side of this and be proper happy again.  I'm sure you will.  Make yourself beautiful, make yourself strong.

I agree with Buelligan. Ultimately accept that this is a transitional period and don't make any rash decisions. I continued living with my last ex, even after she got a partner, and we didnt have major problems. The only downside is it did take a lot longer for my feelings about her to subside. Of course our circumstances are wildly different, but I just mean to show that its not impossible, in the short to medium term.

I have looked at open relationship stuff

But also don't kid yourself. It sounds like she cheated on you, and that will never be a good foundation for an open relationship. From what I understand she doesn't want to have sex with you either. If you do seek out another relationship or lover soon, remember: she is an ex, a friend, and the mother of your children, but she is no longer a lover and the two of you are not and never should be in an "open relationship".

Perplexicon

  • Service resumes shortly
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #80 on: June 08, 2019, 12:51:27 AM »
Yeah an open relationship only really works if your primary one is completely rock solid, and even then... it's not for everyone. Anyway it's a real shite situation and I hope that it all gets untangled in a way that doesn't cause you too much prolonged emotional flarblegarb. All I know from personal experience is that you'll be fine dating at your age, there's so many people out there that have hit their 30s and their major relationships have fallen through in some way and you will not be alone forever, and you'll be able to find a way to stay friends with your ex if you're both willing to work at that. If you look at this as a way to forge yourself anew, and take steps to do that (I really recommend therapy, it's great! But alone therapy for yourself). Above all, don't end up like Jerry on that Louis Theroux documentary.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #81 on: June 08, 2019, 01:36:09 AM »
(I really recommend therapy, it's great! But alone therapy for yourself).

What do you recommend in terms of alone therapy for yourself? I'm always interested in this sort of thing.

Kryton

  • Keep it neutral. Keep it safe. That's my motto.
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #82 on: June 08, 2019, 01:50:30 AM »
Fuck her off. She's cheated on you and is now living the best of both worlds at your expense and sanity. Let her go live with her lesbian lover and if she starts moaning that it's too 'complicated' then explain to her that she created this mess by cheating on you. She is the one who caused this damage. Stay friends sure, but you need to admit that things have changed.

You can get over this, but don't get manipulated into thinking that this is acceptable behaviour.                                                                           

Perplexicon

  • Service resumes shortly
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #83 on: June 08, 2019, 05:34:34 PM »
What do you recommend in terms of alone therapy for yourself? I'm always interested in this sort of thing.

I probably worded that weirdly as I meant more 'see a therapist alone rather than as a couple', but if you want to take some steps and don't feel quite ready to talk to another human being then there's loads of books on Cognitive Behavior Therapy (good for overcoming anxiety and retraining your brain out of all those weird thought patterns) and Mindfulness (more a meditative practice for living in the present, didn't really do it for me but lots of people swear by it) that you could pick up from Amazon or the library if you're cool. Probably could score some good stuff in charity shops too on the subject.

Kryton

  • Keep it neutral. Keep it safe. That's my motto.
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #84 on: June 08, 2019, 06:42:09 PM »
Sorry my last post was a bit harsh. Do what is best for you and the kids. But don't damage yourself in the process.

icehaven

  • I will be in the bar, with my head on the bar
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #85 on: June 08, 2019, 06:58:24 PM »
The actual Ross from Friends storyline attracted a fair number of comments about it not being seen as being as bad or as serious as it would if his wife had cheated with and then left him for another man. There were even interpretations that it was indirectly homophobic as the gay affair and subsequent relationship was played for laughs in a way straight cheating never would be, as if it wasn't as serious or legitimate. Only you can speak for how you feel about that but do you think you'd be in the situation you're in now if it was another man rather than a woman? Does seem a bit like your wife is expecting you to be considerably more OK with it because she's got a girlfriend rather than a boyfriend, almost like she doesn't really see it as 'really' cheating either. Again obviously I don't know either of you but she wouldn't be the first person to be interested in exploring their sexuality and gay sex, but not necessarily settling down with a same-sex partner long term. Which is where you still being around comes in, so I'd be wary of her expectations of you once the novelty of the girlfriend wears off, as others have said if you don't want that kind of relationship don't let her (literally) come and go and keep you trailing behind at her convenience.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2019, 07:12:12 PM by icehaven »

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #86 on: June 09, 2019, 03:36:43 AM »
Yes, but did you have kids?  Did you share a home which, if you walked out, you would be losing?  Had you invested sixteen years in getting to that point?

I agree that he should definitely move on.  IMO, the relationship is over (as it was), but a civilised friendship is not a bad thing to replace it with, if the alternative is to have a dire enemy (who is a co-parent of your children and a co-owner of your home).

IMO, when shit gets existential, it's time to plan your moves carefully.


With the greatest of respect, you strike me as someone who has set their life up to be as uncompromising as is possible. I'm not telling this guy to abandon his kids at the expense of his ego above all else. I'm saying that it seems like things are being set up in a very one sided fashion and our OP might want to give some thought as to whether they should consider putting themselves first for a change.

That's not to say a cordial relationship with the ex and a productive relationship with the kids isn't possible.

Edit: kids, no kids, 37,000 kids is irrelevant. 'What would you tell your best friend to do in the same situation?' is good advice.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2019, 04:03:05 AM by drummersaredeaf »

Buelligan

  • STOP being afraid
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #87 on: June 09, 2019, 07:37:16 AM »
What an odd question.  My best friend hasn't been married for sixteen years, doesn't have kids, isn't someone that appears fairly strongly attached to their home, I don't even have a hierarchy of friends come to that but if I did, I would voice that opinion again, to any and all, of my best friends.  Hell, I'd give myself that advice if those criteria applied to me.

And, FWIW, I'd say the suggestions and they are just suggestions, I've put forward, are ones that recognise that compromise is often necessary in successful human relations.  I'm not sure why you're so irritated by this.  I apologise for irritating you.  Hope that helps.

As, I'm sure, does this de-glitching.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #88 on: June 09, 2019, 07:41:53 AM »
Burn the witch.


Edit:: Sorry, that was a Friends joke.


All the best. My only advice is DO NOT move out of the house under any circumstances or you'll effectively concede ownership. She cheated, no matter the complexities, she needs to find somewhere else to live in time.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2019, 08:01:16 AM by The Boston Crab »

DolphinFace

  • Put it in me
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #89 on: June 09, 2019, 08:38:29 AM »
Do your children know their Mum has a girldriend? I'd imagine maintaining a pretence that everything is normal when the opposite is true would be depressing and stressful regardless of how well you get on with you wife?! Maybe when the kids are clear on the picture, it'll allow your relationship to augment more naturally. It's tempting to protect our children from the truth by presenting them with a facade but they sense things; they know when something isn't right. Mum disappearing 3 nights a week while Dad stays home and cries isn't the happy home it ought to be. Maybe not bullshitting them is the key to moving on. And I say this as someone who literally has no clue, so please ignore!