Author Topic: Shit year.  (Read 5773 times)

Buelligan

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #90 on: June 09, 2019, 09:23:52 AM »
Do your children know their Mum has a girldriend? I'd imagine maintaining a pretence that everything is normal when the opposite is true would be depressing and stressful regardless of how well you get on with you wife?! Maybe when the kids are clear on the picture, it'll allow your relationship to augment more naturally. It's tempting to protect our children from the truth by presenting them with a facade but they sense things; they know when something isn't right. Mum disappearing 3 nights a week while Dad stays home and cries isn't the happy home it ought to be. Maybe not bullshitting them is the key to moving on. And I say this as someone who literally has no clue, so please ignore!

Maybe bullshitting isn't the best choice of phrase?  To my way of thinking (only mine), giving children this kind of stuff to deal with is probably best done after things are sorted (if that can be managed).  IMO, kids feel best when they know things aren't going to suddenly change on them, so if both partners can negotiate a way forward without too much bad noise, now, or in the future - and it seems like the OP is currently managing that - telling the children is probably best done then, together, with as little drama as possible.

This is something I'd definitely counsel getting advice, proper advice, on.  It's obviously important to get it as right as can be managed.

amnesiac

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #91 on: June 09, 2019, 12:13:09 PM »
[just now got the Ross from Friends reference. If you are the same don't feel embarrassed about it]

DolphinFace

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #92 on: June 09, 2019, 01:14:13 PM »
Maybe bullshitting isn't the best choice of phras

Definitely. Sorry, went a bit Jeremy Kyle there

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #93 on: June 09, 2019, 06:27:31 PM »
@perplexicon-

Thanks for your reply.

I'd agree with you that solo therapy or counselling can be very helpful in these situations, assuming that it is something that one is interested in pursuing. In a complex situation like this, it can help you work out what's going on, and what you want to happen for the best.

touchingcloth

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #94 on: June 09, 2019, 07:35:35 PM »
This happened to me once. The whole thing.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #95 on: June 09, 2019, 11:44:06 PM »
It's a bit silly really - she wants her girlfriend but can't really accept the fact it's going to screw up our lives so she's trying to do it really, really slowly.

This is really unfortunate and if you haven't shown any anger towards your wife then you have displayed admirable restraint. You aren't the one with the lover so why should you leave? Unless you want to. It's such a tricky situation that giving advice seems inappropriate.

I'd be furious in this situation I reckon. You'd think in this day and age people would try and avoid hetero marriage and kids if they had an inking they were gay. Then again if she's bi presumably she could just have easily shacked up with another man. So many questions.

touchingcloth

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #96 on: June 09, 2019, 11:52:07 PM »
This is really unfortunate and if you haven't shown any anger towards your wife then you have displayed admirable restraint. You aren't the one with the lover so why should you leave? Unless you want to. It's such a tricky situation that giving advice seems inappropriate.

I'd be furious in this situation I reckon. You'd think in this day and age people would try and avoid hetero marriage and kids if they had an inking they were gay. Then again if she's bi presumably she could just have easily shacked up with another man. So many questions.

List them, please. All of them.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #97 on: June 10, 2019, 12:24:08 AM »
List them, please. All of them.

Is she bi or gay?
Did she fancy women on her wedding day?
What's the ideal scenario for both parties?
When did she decide to leave him and had she met her lesbian at that stage?
Have they told the kids she's lesbos?
What age are the kids?
How much is the house worth and who contributed most towards it?
As mentioned, does she think lesbianism is more acceptable than straight cheating?
Have there been any arguments, anger or resentment?
Has the bit on the side told her kids?
Does Ross feel better or worse or neither that it's a lesbian affair?
Can I go asleep now?

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #98 on: June 10, 2019, 01:25:36 AM »
I will not go into detail here but I had an absolute dogshit of  2015 personally with at least 3 personal issues that would be enough so sink anyone into a deep malaise*. I'm still not entirely sure how much it ruined me but I was very much the victim in the situations. t all came right when, in 2016 everyone started kicking off because some cunt won an election and some famous people snuffed it.

In summary, hang on in there. When the world truely goes to shit in 2020 you can giggle along knowing that the everyone else are snowflake cunts who can't deal with the real shit.

*My ability to always be slightly removed from my own emotions ("You are autistic") proved to be a real and enjoyable defense and coping mechanism. To this day I still don't really give a fuck whilst everyone around me flapped. Life is to short. Just find what you like doing and do it.**

**To me it's trying to learn 9 languages, watching wrestling and drinking booze.

Pingers

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #99 on: June 10, 2019, 07:49:25 AM »


All the best. My only advice is DO NOT move out of the house under any circumstances or you'll effectively concede ownership. She cheated, no matter the complexities, she needs to find somewhere else to live in time.

It's more complicated than that. Depends on if married or not, whether joint tenants or tenants in common and a range of other factors. The OP would need to take legal advice from Shelter or someone similar on this score.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #100 on: June 10, 2019, 05:16:25 PM »
Yeah, it is so thanks for the clarification, that's useful.

But in the first instance, the temptation is often to leave to get a bit of space and concede the house as an amicable gesture. Reality is that it's very hard to ever get back in there, from a couple of mates who've gone through similar.

I never have because I would kill my wife if she cheated on me. Sorry if that's problematic in 2019.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #101 on: June 25, 2019, 01:39:22 AM »
Can't sleep. So I'm trying to stop things cycling in my head by sitting outside in the rain in my pants.

Just contemplating how I'm completely fucked in a practical sense.

Leave - split up family, live in a shitty bedsit.
Stay - slowly die alone.

Ive got used to this before, but I made the mistake of hoping things were different, so I have to do it again.

(just in case anyone is worrying - I'm in no way suicidal. Just can't sleep and hoping a bit of venting in the rain will stop my thoughts from cycling so I can sleep.)

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #102 on: June 25, 2019, 02:13:13 AM »
See if you can get your doc to prescribe melatonin. I’ve started using it to help sleep, and it’s terrific.

It’s not chemically and you don’t feel shit next day, just nice natural restful sleep. I can’t pretend I have a solution for you, but a good nights sleep sounds like it wouldn’t go amiss

icehaven

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #103 on: June 25, 2019, 07:07:35 AM »
Leave - split up family, live in a shitty bedsit.
Stay - slowly die alone.

This isn't being fair on yourself, she's the one that's 'left', and remaining at home but expecting you to tolerate a set-up that very, very few people could is frankly unreasonable, even more so if it's resulting in you thinking things like "leave=split up family" as that makes it sound like it'd be your fault but it really isn't.

I know practically that living arrangements unfortunately don't operate on the basis of fairness so that's another issue, but if it does come to one of you moving out it really should be her. She's already got somewhere else to go (her girlfriend's) and it's her that's split up the family so she really should be the one who has to work around her decision.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #104 on: June 25, 2019, 09:47:19 AM »
See if you can get your doc to prescribe melatonin. I’ve started using it to help sleep, and it’s terrific.

It’s not chemically and you don’t feel shit next day, just nice natural restful sleep. I can’t pretend I have a solution for you, but a good nights sleep sounds like it wouldn’t go amiss

Just buy it online off one of the many international pharmacies. It's not really prescribed much here, nor is it licensed for sale.

Buelligan

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #105 on: June 25, 2019, 11:19:36 AM »
This isn't being fair on yourself, she's the one that's 'left', and remaining at home but expecting you to tolerate a set-up that very, very few people could is frankly unreasonable, even more so if it's resulting in you thinking things like "leave=split up family" as that makes it sound like it'd be your fault but it really isn't.

I know practically that living arrangements unfortunately don't operate on the basis of fairness so that's another issue, but if it does come to one of you moving out it really should be her. She's already got somewhere else to go (her girlfriend's) and it's her that's split up the family so she really should be the one who has to work around her decision.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.  If you can't live together, Ross, in a way that works well for you both and your children, it must be her that moves on.  Please go and get some proper advice about where you stand on all this legally and consider talking to your doctor about the stress this is causing you.  Have a hug too.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #106 on: June 25, 2019, 11:59:34 AM »
Just buy it online off one of the many international pharmacies. It's not really prescribed much here, nor is it licensed for sale.

Fair enough. I get it in the grocery store but drug availability is one of those things that vary wildly from place to place

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #107 on: June 25, 2019, 12:14:00 PM »
Thanks all. I was being a bit melodramatic about it last night. It was a muggy night so sitting out in the gentle rain was a pleasant thing to do, but I played up the sad image of it

Yes, she should be the one to move out. She even agrees with that to some extent. But I can't force her out (she could probably force me out as primary carer) and I doubt she will do it of her own volition - the situation is good for her at. Not living together benefits me, and I need to take responsibility for my own happiness, however distant that might be. It's not fair (and anger over that was partly what was keeping me up last night), but it is what it is.

Not doing anything soon. Cohabiting parents would probably be the best thing, just don't know if it's possible to get to from here.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #108 on: June 25, 2019, 12:59:05 PM »
I'm aware that this will probably come across the wrong way but... do you think she'll grow out of it?

Kelvin

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #109 on: June 25, 2019, 01:10:14 PM »
I'm aware that this will probably come across the wrong way but... do you think she'll grow out of it?

Not really the time to be making moves on his wife, mate.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #110 on: June 25, 2019, 01:14:59 PM »
Yes, she should be the one to move out. She even agrees with that to some extent. But I can't force her out (she could probably force me out as primary carer) and I doubt she will do it of her own volition - the situation is good for her at. Not living together benefits me, and I need to take responsibility for my own happiness, however distant that might be.
Maybe I'm being naive, the situation is because of her so when it comes to talking about plans doesn't it just make sense for you both to openly acknowledge her moving out makes far more sense? Like, I'm sure she's aware of it on some level but it seems like a factor that should be openly and matter of factly noted.

Quote
Not doing anything soon. Cohabiting parents would probably be the best thing, just don't know if it's possible to get to from here.
Would it? Why?
If it's some kind of minimising trauma deal, I'm pretty sure kids with some utterly bizarre cohabiting situation that was not reached at mutually seems like it has plenty of potential to cause issues too.



Very easy to say all this from the outside though, not sure what I'd wind up doing in actuality. Probably just become an alcoholic or something like that.

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #111 on: June 25, 2019, 01:50:53 PM »
Can't sleep. So I'm trying to stop things cycling in my head by sitting outside in the rain in my pants.

Just contemplating how I'm completely fucked in a practical sense.

Leave - split up family, live in a shitty bedsit.
Stay - slowly die alone.

Ive got used to this before, but I made the mistake of hoping things were different, so I have to do it again.

(just in case anyone is worrying - I'm in no way suicidal. Just can't sleep and hoping a bit of venting in the rain will stop my thoughts from cycling so I can sleep.)

Would you not be able to get a small studio or one bedroom flat somewhere? I lived in a bedsit for 14 years and didn't mind it too much, though I know it's not the best for when / if you want to bring someone back to your place... Either way hopefully it wouldn't be permanent, and you could possibly afford somewhere a bit better after a while?

icehaven

  • I will be in the bar, with my head on the bar
Re: Shit year.
« Reply #112 on: June 25, 2019, 01:57:06 PM »
I'm aware that this will probably come across the wrong way but... do you think she'll grow out of it?

That's sort of what I was driving at a few pages back but similarly didn't want to offend. It's one thing to want to explore your sexuality (relatively) later in life, quite another to actually realise (again relatively later in life) that you're gay, and this really does smack more of the former, not least because of the whole keeping-the-husband-around, continuing to live together, not telling significant people (the children) etc. She seems to be treating it more as a potentially temporary thing than RossFF is.

Buelligan

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #113 on: June 25, 2019, 02:26:03 PM »
Would you not be able to get a small studio or one bedroom flat somewhere? I lived in a bedsit for 14 years and didn't mind it too much, though I know it's not the best for when / if you want to bring someone back to your place... Either way hopefully it wouldn't be permanent, and you could possibly afford somewhere a bit better after a while?

To me there are practical problems with this approach. 

It would (I am virtually certain but please get legal advice, Ross) completely undermine his rights to remain in his home/to his home. 

It would make it very difficult to share custody of his children, having "left" them and having nowhere to accommodate them.

I shout get proper advice before any decision.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #114 on: June 26, 2019, 07:46:13 AM »
Yeah, this was touched on above. Don't go anywhere, my son. I'd say she's got til after Christmas so it doesn't ruin Christmas for the kids. After that, she needs to get gone.

Re: Shit year.
« Reply #115 on: July 11, 2019, 02:28:31 PM »
Fucking hell lads I've got a date.

Had a bit of an upswing a couple of Sundays ago. Realised that while my situation is a bit lonely it's not awful. And while we might need to live separately at some point, no need to rush that, and their were lots of other things I could be doing to be happier too.

Deleted my tinder profile the next day, and made a joke one as a 9ft reticulated python. It made the local news. Got 4 times more matches with that in an afternoon than I had with my slightly crap real one. A couple of which responded and one of whom I've been chatting two for most of the last two weeks and now wants to meet tomorrow.

Obviously I'm massively over investing in it and I'm probably going to get my heart broken, even though we're both clear that we're looking for a friend-with-possible-benefits type deal. But fuck it, I'm just enjoying hoping that I can have sex before the kids are out of school.

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #116 on: July 11, 2019, 03:26:44 PM »
That's great news Ross, I'm really pleased for you. I'd advise you to have sex with the kids when they have left school though, if you do it in front of their teachers it might cause a kerfuffle.

Blue Jam

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #117 on: July 11, 2019, 04:22:51 PM »
Fucking hell lads I've got a date.

A friend of mine got into online dating after a long-term partner cheated on her and left  her for another woman. She didn't do it to find a new partner, she did it to "get back in the game", get a bit of dating practice and build her self-confidence back up- and it worked.

I said elsewhere that the whole shop window thing of online dating is a pretty horrible idea in some ways and that when I tried it once I just decided online dating wasn't for me, but when I said "it has its uses", that's what I had been referring to.

Great news anyway, and I hope it goes well. Whatever comes of it, you've taken a big step here and you should be proud of yourself.

Ambient Sheep

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #118 on: July 11, 2019, 09:07:29 PM »
Bloody hell, you weren't joking!  And not just local news, you got a one-line mention in the Metro too!

Good luck with the date. :-)

Glebe

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Re: Shit year.
« Reply #119 on: July 12, 2019, 01:08:08 PM »
Nice one RFF!