Author Topic: Honest Father's Day cards  (Read 963 times)

Pingers

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Honest Father's Day cards
« on: June 11, 2019, 09:25:27 AM »
Dear Dad, thanks for keeping us out of poverty and for not hitting me.

imitationleather

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2019, 09:30:01 AM »
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2019, 09:31:22 AM »
Dear Dad,

Thanks for not getting angry that time my younger brother asked me to draw a picture of ALF the puppet alien and I did, but I drew the Alf with an enormous floppy cock coming out of his fur and he was looking at it saying "what the heck is THAT?" as some children cried in the background. Thanks for laughing at that.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • ...to stab you with!
Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2019, 09:31:27 AM »
Dear Dad, you're a cunt, fuck off.

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2019, 09:32:56 AM »
Dear Dad

Thanks for dropping dead and letting me have enough money to go back to university. Thanks, ta

Your son (though some think I should get a DNA test)

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2019, 09:33:04 AM »
Dear Dad

Mental health issues do exist and it's not just something wimpy people moan about. Your best mate killed himself because of it. If you can think of another reason why he jumped off the end of the pier I'd love to hear it.

Have a great day.

x

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2019, 09:34:39 AM »
"Bruce Springsteen's a bit shit."

kittens

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2019, 09:41:51 AM »
hi dad,


love you very much.



Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2019, 09:47:05 AM »
Dad,

Do you know where the charger for the drill is? We should talk more.

x

Cuellar

  • Push off my wire
Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2019, 09:51:01 AM »
Hello.

Well, bye.

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2019, 09:52:27 AM »
Dear "Dad"

I think you are a doppelganger and my real Dad replaced you about 10 years ago. Please just tell me where the body is so I can give it a proper funeral.

Love

#1 son

Lost Oliver

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2019, 09:52:52 AM »
Christ this got a bit bleak. Started writing an open letter to him but stopped because it a bit too earnest.

icehaven

  • I will be in the bar, with my head on the bar
Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2019, 10:03:46 AM »
If some of the real Father's Day cards I've seen in actual shops are anything to go by, some people have really odd relationships with their fathers. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY YOU BIG with a picture of a cockerel underneath was a particular highlight, I mean wtf?!

Butchers Blind

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #13 on: June 11, 2019, 10:07:30 AM »
Dear Dad,
Here's a card with a picture of someone playing golf on the front.
You've never played golf.

Happy Father's Day.

Beagle 2

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2019, 10:08:12 AM »
Dear Dad, when I told you I had been offered a job you replied with a text signposting me to a special offer on petrol lawnmowers at Toolstation and asked me if the place I would be working had a lawn. This isn't normal.

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #15 on: June 11, 2019, 10:10:16 AM »
"I started writing this card but you can finish it since you know best fucks sake "

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #16 on: June 11, 2019, 10:14:44 AM »
Dear Dead

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #17 on: June 11, 2019, 10:43:15 AM »
Dear Dad

Thanks for hiding all your 1970s porn mags in the false ceiling of the wardrobe you built for me in my childhood bedroom. Finding them was a weird day but one that helped me in the future I’m sure, if I ever meet a Mary Millington lookalike i’ll Know exactly how to treat her.

Also, I’m sorry about telling mum about them after you pissed me off a few weeks later. I know that caused a bit of trouble but you went up in my estimation as a result, your quick thinking excuse of ‘keeping them for Arthur, he found them when he was out jogging’ was more than creditable, given the door stepping nature of the furious question.

Anyway, I know you’re A bit of a selfish cunt  and you’ve never been one for gestures, of any sort at all, but the more your health deteriorates the more real the prospect of you leaving us is becoming and it’s horrible. So try and hang around a little bit longer please.

Love you

Dex Sawash

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #18 on: June 11, 2019, 11:55:42 AM »
Please stay dead, Dad.
Don't make it awkward.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #19 on: June 11, 2019, 04:16:53 PM »
Dear Dad

Could you stop whistling all the time please? It really gets on my tits, especially when it's Living Doll by Cliff Richard, which is about 75% of the time.

dr_christian_troy

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #20 on: June 11, 2019, 04:29:37 PM »
Dear Dad,

Do you remember that time I was concerned you had Alzheimer's?

Oh.





True story: I was genuinely concerned at one point because he didn't remember anything I had spoken to him about for some time, and he is in his 70s. When I got upset and spoke to him about it, his response was "It's not that I don't remember what you say, it's just that I don't listen to you."

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #21 on: June 11, 2019, 04:35:27 PM »
Dear biological father,

I have never met you and nor do I wish to. Get cancer soon.

Cheers,
bastard forgotten offspring

shiftwork2

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #22 on: June 11, 2019, 04:49:31 PM »
Mine carked it 32 years ago and not a single day goes by when I don’t think of the saved fivers.

Twit 2

  • Cyclone par l'immobile habité
Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #23 on: June 11, 2019, 05:01:12 PM »
Dear dad dear.


Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #24 on: June 11, 2019, 05:49:34 PM »
Dear Dad

Remember that time me and my brother were watching NIghtmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors and he wouldn't stop eating pistacchio nuts so I punched him in the neck and then his forehead swelled up from lack of oxygen like a Star Treck alien, but you covered for me at the hospital so I wouldn't be sent down to the bitch house.
Thanks. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry you lost custody.

dr_christian_troy

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #25 on: June 11, 2019, 05:56:08 PM »
Dear Dad,

Do you remember laughing when I used to get upset?

Thanks.

Blue Jam

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Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #26 on: June 11, 2019, 05:58:42 PM »
Dear Dad,

Two pints of semi-skimmed and one of gold top for next week please.

Blue Jam

  • Ennui Deluxe
Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #27 on: June 11, 2019, 06:00:13 PM »
Dear Dad,

So sorry to hear about your dog.

All my love,

Ken xxx

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #28 on: June 11, 2019, 06:08:58 PM »
Dear Dad,

So sorry to hear about your dog.

All my love,

Ken xxx

Bravo!

Re: Honest Father's Day cards
« Reply #29 on: June 11, 2019, 06:11:55 PM »
Dear dad

Thanks for the shit genes. Now I look like a twat. THANKS.