Best blasphemes

[Pingers]

My top 3:

Jesus Fuck
Shitting Jesus
Christ in a fucking bucket

But dissent away, motherfuckers.

[king_tubby]

Porco dio!

[a duncandisorderly]

shitting fuck

shitting bloody arse-fuck

buggering bloody arse-fuck, with broken glass & shite & that. (inspired by david beckham, maybe)

christ twat

shit the fucking pipe

shit the fucking bed

arse baskets (that's the polite one)

[Anagram of a Shit Name]

Mother fucker!

or,


Jesus Christ on a (twatting*) bike!

*Depending on situation

[Pingers]

shitting fuck

shitting bloody arse-fuck

buggering bloody arse-fuck, with broken glass & shite & that. (inspired by david beckham, maybe)

christ twat

shit the fucking pipe

shit the fucking bed

arse baskets (that's the polite one)

Only one of these is a blaspheme, you amateur!

[a duncandisorderly]

Only one of these is a blaspheme, you amateur!

that depends who or what you worship, motherfucker. I happen to worship mr hanky, the christ-mas poo.

[Cold Meat Platter]

Billy Connolly recalled one someone shouted after hurting themselves,

"JESUS SUFFERING FUCK!"

[Lordofthefiles]

My PS4 Tourette's goes in the following order (and I offer no explaination or apology, I have no control over it see):

"Jesus Fuck"
"Fucksakes"
"Y'Fucka"
"Fuckadick"
"Fuckingfuck"
"Fuck me black"(!)
"Fuckit"
"Cuntingfuck"
"Shitcock cunt"(!)
"Shaggin'ell"

[Flouncer]

I have no idea what the origin of this phrase is, but if my grandad gets really exasperated, he sometimes says, "Jesus Christ in shitty napkins!" He's an athiest so the blasphemy doesn't trouble him.

[Sebastian Cobb]

'sweet baby jesus and the orphans!'

[Icehaven]

Christ on a bike.
Jesus Mary and Joseph.
God in hell.
Creepin' Jesus.
Jesus in a Johnny.

[rasta-spouse]

not just a spoken bit of blasphemy when mentioning the title, but also a nice ungodly visual: Andres Serrano's Piss Christ

[mothman]

Jesus cocksucking Christ on a motherfucking crutch!

[Shit Good Nose]

Dead Irish footballer drunkenly says "jay-zuss aytch chroist".

[Pauline Walnuts]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toGIthcYXCc

Last line of the vocals that start at 3:27

[hamfist]

Christ's fat cock

[jobotic]

My friend uses

Jesus Bennett

Jesus, Peters and Lee

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

Jesus cocksucking Christ on a motherfucking crutch!

The main parts of this were used to great effect in the Viz strip "Bob Hope's Dissapointing Last Words" to wit:


"Jesus cocksucking Christ, I've fallen out of the motherfucking window!"

[mothman]

I'm not aware of that, definitely came up with it on my own.

[hummingofevil]

I always liked " Jesus H Corbett" from The Young Ones.

[Lord Mandrake]

Jesus Harold Christ

[rasta-spouse]

I think it was Richard Herring who used the phrase "to touch the cock of God" when talking about making an extraordinary achievement. Which I liked very much.

Always wondered if it was a desecration of an already existing line.

[I.D. Smith]

This outtake from I'm Alan Partridge:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7lTnKElLBw

[I.D. Smith]

Or Angry Billy Joel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jl3E-cwA6y8&feature=youtu.be&t=10

[chveik]

oh my gosh
jeez louise

[Chollis]

jesus tittyfucking christ

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

Billy Connolly recalled one someone shouted after hurting themselves,

"JESUS SUFFERING FUCK!"

His follow-up line is funny too: "There's a lot going on in there, isn't there?"

[poo]

Christing fuck
Christing cunt

[seepage]

I liked madhair60's non-Christian one in HS Art.

[mojo filters]

Is Christ on a bike actually blasphemous?

Surely it's just our Lord and saviour availing himself of a modest contemporary transportation convenience? Is there some New Testament verse I missed foreshadowing a firey descent into hell for those who travel on only two wheels?