Feeling like an absolute piece of shit.

[Buelligan]

What, the sort of people who get worked up about which device you play games on and which OS you're running? Safely ignored IMO

Absolutely true.  In fact, reading this post is the closest I've been to not ignoring them in my life.  I say that as a genuinely happy person.  Is there a connection?  I'm just giving you the facts.

[Blue Jam]

I've noticed with a few people, myself included, that getting a physical illness often seems to put one in reverse. My theory is that because it brings tiredness, it does what tiredness usually does, i.e. gives the irrational bit of one's brain a free run because the rational bit that knows you are an alright person can't summon the energy to boss it around and counter its ridiculous ideas. Similar to being half awake at 3 a.m. when a lot of us do our worst thinking

I think physical illness can also set one's thinking back into a default pattern that's not helpful and it can be important to keep an eye out for that when getting over an illness

I am sending you all the most positive feelings I can through a wall of snot xx

Sending you some positive feelings back through my own wall of snot... thanks for posting that, it all makes total sense. The week before I got ill I was starting to feel happier, not feeling like drinking at all, motivated to do loads of exercise and eat well, and I was having a really productive time at work... and then I felt knocked for six and spent a week wanting to do nothing but sleep and ingest nothing but microwave mashed potato and Lucozade. It's taking me a while to get back on track and it's really frustrating.

My nose and sinuses are still really bunged up, and today I have an earache because my ear needs to pop and it won't. I want to get back into the yoga but doing yoga when you can't breathe properly is a fucking nightmare. Been doing a bit of walking at lunchtimes and hoping I'll be feeling fully human again soon.

[The Boston Crab]

Better to be hated than simply ignored.

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,73759.0.html

The cruellest act is to deny the existence of the other.

No replies.

[Unnecessary Biscuits]

If Tookish is still reading - is there a reason why you had a blip with the medication? Is that a recurrent thing? (Maybe a silly question.) I had a very late diagnosis of EUPD about eighteen months ago but at that point had reached decisively giving up on pills. I was always drifiting away from them because of an unsatisfactory feeling of being only boosted in a superficial way coupled with too many grim and sometimes dangerous side effects.

I do understand that some conditions require medication and wouldn't want to imply that going pill-free is the path to be on, but I am at a point where I am making some late progress that I strongly doubt I could have approached on medication. I have spent a very long time wading through very unhealthy friendships of a kind I'm only just weaning myself off and seeing for what they are. I feel provoked by my personal life in this way and provoked by social and national political situations. I have started to find a bit of fire in my belly that is making me feel stronger, and seeing how appallingly others behave has tapered off my own self-loathing. Last summer also I had an intense experience of what feels inadequate to briefly label boundlessness that I wouldn't have been receptive to if I had spent all this time on pillls. It wasn't anything cheap and trip-like and has bled into all my experience since. I needed to be overcome by aspects of my instability to be able to grapple with that and make it into something. I could be described as per my diagnosis as 'unstable' but I am managing my thoughts better because I'm neither artificially subdued nor so distortedly upbeat that I can't smell the roses. I am no stranger to feeling like shit, and a few relapsed instances of binge-drinking and its consequences have been quite hairy to get through. But when optimumly managed I think my 'instability' will instead be a rare freedom, as it has been for briefly glimpsed periods over the last thirty years.

I was clumsy with how I weaned myself off my various medications, sometimes as a result of failing to get the prescription in time to avoid a break, but I think at those times I was always itching to work with my own thoughts and emotions unaltered, to be able to better identify what to fight.

None of this has come at all easily and none of this is said lightly. I've missed out on a lot and am unlikely to come by many experiences that are taken for granted by most. I still feel lucky to have arrived where it seems I have, and am aware that approaching this state is for some not practical or feasible, is to some metaphysically suspect or worse, and is culturally unaccommodated. I might die unfulfilled and solitary but I wouldn't swap my life for any other.