Never Getting Married

[Buelligan]

Yes but think of the canapés

Here, canapés are sofas.  I couldn't manage one myself.  Don't think I'd even want to if I'm honest.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

If I were to get married, I'd be expecting Elder Sumo Prophecy to be my Best Man. He'd give a right good speech, interspersed with gifs of Her Who Plays Villanelle ,which he'd skilfully display with the click of a hand-held mouse.
Everyone from Cab would be invited, too (apart from Small Man Big Horse and madhair60, orbviously, as they're a pair of cunts). The band hired for the reception would play cover versions of songs by The Fall, Half Man Half Biscuit and Kunt and the Gang.

It would be a lovely day, wouldn't it?

_{I am a tragic individual}

[BlodwynPig]

If I were to get married, I'd be expecting Elder Sumo Prophecy to be my Best Man. He'd give a right good speech, interspersed with gifs of Her Who Plays Villanelle ,which he'd skilfully display with the click of a hand-held mouse.
Everyone from Cab would be invited, too (apart from Small Man Big Horse and madhair60, orbviously, as they're a pair of cunts). The band hired for the reception would play cover versions of songs by The Fall, Half Man Half Biscuit and Kunt and the Gang.

It would be a lovely day, wouldn't it?

_{I am a tragic individual}

Rictus smiles all day long.

[Twit 2]

If I were to get married, I'd be expecting Elder Sumo Prophecy to be my Best Man. He'd give a right good speech, interspersed with gifs of Her Who Plays Villanelle ,which he'd skilfully display with the click of a hand-held mouse.
Everyone from Cab would be invited, too (apart from Small Man Big Horse and madhair60, orbviously, as they're a pair of cunts). The band hired for the reception would play cover versions of songs by The Fall, Half Man Half Biscuit and Kunt and the Gang.

It would be a lovely day, wouldn't it?

_{I am a tragic individual}

No it would be a NAPALM of a wedding, only more toxic.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

My name is Elderly Sumo Prophecy, not Elder, but you may address me as either Sir or Colonel.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

No it would be a NAPALM of a wedding, only more toxic.

Right, you're not getting an invite either.
Honestly, is there any need for this sort of thing?

[Danger Man]

If I were to get married, I'd be expecting Elder Sumo Prophecy to be my Best Man.

Can I be the worst man?

[Johnny Yesno]

I'm married and so is my wife.

Well, I'm not married and neither is my wife.

No-one has asked to marry me, not even the most vulnerable in society. It is the least they could do for me, and an insult. You bruise my ego, I bruise your face, capiche!?

We must all be married, I say, a heaving sticky web, pulsating and shrieking, together forever.

You sure know how to sweet talk a guy. The answer is yes!

Unless your willing to worship me like a god, I will not put a ring on your finger.

Same, although the conditions are more to do with personal hygiene when it comes to whether I'll put my finger in someone else's ring.

Can I be the worst man?

You already are, ahahaha! (you set 'em up, etc.)

[Alberon]

My sister and her partner have been together longer than I've known my wife. They have a kid but have no intention of getting married (to each other, not the kid (that would be illegal)).

I've no idea if they have any legal documents in place in case they break up or one of them dies.

[Small Man Big Horse]

If I were to get married, I'd be expecting Elder Sumo Prophecy to be my Best Man. He'd give a right good speech, interspersed with gifs of Her Who Plays Villanelle ,which he'd skilfully display with the click of a hand-held mouse.
Everyone from Cab would be invited, too (apart from Small Man Big Horse and madhair60, orbviously, as they're a pair of cunts). The band hired for the reception would play cover versions of songs by The Fall, Half Man Half Biscuit and Kunt and the Gang.

It would be a lovely day, wouldn't it?

_{I am a tragic individual}

I'd gatecrash the wedding and fuck the bride_groom.

[Ambient Sheep]

In a shocking twist, my wife is real but I'M PRETEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what you're telling us is that you are actually your wife?

[Alberon]

Don't tell Graham Linehan.

[Ambient Sheep]

Yes, that would be Dangerous indeed.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Yes, that would be Dangerous indeed.

Oh, Man, you're right there !
(Pretty weak stuff,  I agree. Was going to write a response involving that Welsh Prog-Rock group from the 1970s, but in the end simply couldn't be fucked. )

[Danger Man]

I don't get it.

[Konki]

If I were to get married, I'd be expecting Elder Sumo Prophecy to be my Best Man. He'd give a right good speech, interspersed with gifs of Her Who Plays Villanelle ,which he'd skilfully display with the click of a hand-held mouse.
Everyone from Cab would be invited, too (apart from Small Man Big Horse and madhair60, orbviously, as they're a pair of cunts). The band hired for the reception would play cover versions of songs by The Fall, Half Man Half Biscuit and Kunt and the Gang.

It would be a lovely day, wouldn't it?

_{I am a tragic individual}

I'm only coming if you can guarantee strong-armed men with filthy, hairy arseholes. Will you be providing wedding lube?

[Janie Jones]

I don't get it.

Ah, so you really ARE married!

[Lordofthefiles]

Me and my missus had been bumbling along together for 15 year then one Valentine's Day (we don't DO Valentine's Day) I came home from work and there were candles and stuff everywhere, she handed me a glass of champagne with a strawberry in it (no idea!) and led me into the living room whereupon she proposed to me (apparently wimmin can do that on a Valentine's Day when it's a leap year - who knew?!).
Anyways, I said "yes" (at that point I had already considered myself married for some time, all be it without a metal ring on me trotter).

So we planned a wedding, she did most of the work but I chipped in and did my bit.

The day came, glorious sunshine all day, all of our family and friends, and work people, and everyone else we liked was there, my dad was my best man (cos he really is the best man I've ever met), we spent a fortune on the meal and booze and generally making sure everyone have a good time.
...And do you know what, because neither of us wear different masks in the different departments of our lives, there was no Fawlty Towers style farce keeping people apart or putting on any performances, and everyone that was there got on like they'd known each other all their lives.
Love, dancing and laughter from beginning to end.

It truly was the best day of my life.
It was like a living manifestation of the Talking Heads song "Heaven" but with all of the sarcasm drained out of it - fucking brill it was.





Unfortunately for this cynical thread, and despite "Life", we're still happy and bumbling along.


Just thought I'd add a bit of balance for LisaJMC.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

[Lordofthefiles]

I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

Just a bit?

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Alright, there's spew everywhere.

[Danger Man]

I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

I just threw up in my wife's mouth but that's ok because she's a bit kinky that way and doesn't exist.

[mothman]

That's lovely, Lotf. Ignore that mean Lisa J&MC. He's just dead inside, is all.

[The Boston Crab]

If I'd never got married I would have got up to all kinds of stupid shit and probably be in prison now for doing something really bad. When or if my wife dies first, I won't hold back. I can't die slowly clinging to life. I'll seize my death freedom but do some really bad stuff first.

[alan nagsworth]

This is my current wife ha ha

Yeah we get it, you're married to the sea.

[Buelligan]

...It truly was the best day of my life...

That's beautiful, man, very, very, happy for you.

[Danger Man]

When or if my wife dies first, I won't hold back. I can't die slowly clinging to life. I'll seize my death freedom but do some really bad stuff first.

You're talking rapes, aren't you?

[Twed]

Fucking stew on it.

You should make this your catchphrase and get it printed on a shirt like Disco Stu. Point at your back with your thumbs when challenged.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

That's lovely, Lotf. Ignore that mean Lisa J&MC. He's just dead inside, is all.

You are on record as not finding Her Who Plays Villanelle attractive, so I'm afraid this invalidates any views you may have on anything whatsoever.

[imitationleather]

If I'd never got married I would have got up to all kinds of stupid shit and probably be in prison now for doing something really bad. When or if my wife dies first, I won't hold back. I can't die slowly clinging to life. I'll seize my death freedom but do some really bad stuff first.