Never Getting Married

[Cerys]

I'm happily married - deliriously so - and have been for fourteen years.  On the other hand, I'm happily married to Still Not George, so YMMV.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

SNG hasn't been on 'ere for ages, has he? Miserable git.

[Cerys]

I'd say it's because he thinks you all smell - but he's anosmic, so your olfactory state remains a mystery to him.

[a duncandisorderly]

No-one has asked to marry me, not even the most vulnerable in society. It is the least they could do for me, and an insult. You bruise my ego, I bruise your face, capiche!?

We must all be married, I say, a heaving sticky web, pulsating and shrieking, together forever.

that's the spirit.

me & the missus did it for the paperwork benefits, no other reason. we seem to be bonded on a far deeper level. not much pulsating or shrieking, but that's because most of the time we live apart.

[Unnecessary Biscuits]

I've proposed twice. The first time I had just let myself into my then-girlfriend's flat not long after exiting a rum blackout*** and entered her bedroom in a sartorially null condition. The reply was eff off, though I was allowed to stay in the room. The second time I was wandering about in the Cursed Earth and saw a dot moving on the horizon. I shouted my proposal, as loudly as I could, and then the dot was no longer on the horizon. It may have been a coincidence. My voice doesn't carry well.

I've been engaged twice. The first time the woman I was with found the ring in the Argos catalogue. Fifteen quid. Fine I thought. The next week she brings the catalogue over and she's found a different ring. Thirty quid. I thought, This is all spiralling out of control now. In the end though we abandoned the project because she was far too kinky for me. I mean, really, it wasn't funny. Everything. The second engagement, for visa purposes in retrospect - the visa purposes were announced at the outset but I blanked them out and told myself she had used the visa purpose as a ruse, due to shyness - ended because this woman was nowhere near kinky enough. That dial has to be just-so, doesn't it, when you're young, when you're more or less still young.

I think I will marry in a few years' time, to someone who will 'more than do', having belatedly acknowledged while watching the film Ex Machina that my conception of love is high-minded but faulty and dysfunctional. The marriage will end as a result of my death from a heart attack or a stabbing. Either is fine if the assailant has a fine aim.

***a blackout caused by the drink named rum, not a blackout that I had found to be 'rum', as I have been unable to obtain any relevant CCTV footage

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I seriously asked someone to marry me last year. It did not end well.

[Cerys]

Did you get your willy out during the proposal?  If not, there's your problem right there.  Always get your willy out when proposing.  Even if you don't have one, by reason of being deficient in the willy department.  Even then.

[Danger Man]

I seriously asked someone to marry me last year. It did not end well.

They married you?  HAHAHAHAHAHA ZING

[Unnecessary Biscuits]

I seriously asked someone to marry me last year. It did not end well.

Have you considered asking them again, and then again and several more times - escalate the situation like this? Some people just need a sign of commitment, and passion. I think this would still work on me for the time being anyway.

You need to write this person some letters as well. You need to show integrity, even in the eyes of an imagined God. Do you know when his or her birthday is? Spend till then writing a suite of poems for them, or a play, exploring - gently - why they need you, how errant their life's path is.

None of this will work, but it needs to be done I think.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

They married you?  HAHAHAHAHAHA ZING

I laughed.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Did you get your willy out during the proposal?  If not, there's your problem right there.  Always get your willy out when proposing.  Even if you don't have one, by reason of being deficient in the willy department.  Even then.

I laughed again.
( SO DID SHE WHEN I GOT MY WILLY OUT, WA-HEY!)

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Have you considered asking them again, and then again and several more times - escalate the situation like this? Some people just need a sign of commitment, and passion. I think this would still work on me for the time being anyway.

You need to write this person some letters as well. You need to show integrity, even in the eyes of an imagined God. Do you know when his or her birthday is? Spend till then writing a suite of poems for them, or a play, exploring - gently - why they need you, how errant their life's path is.

None of this will work, but it needs to be done I think.

I didn't laugh at this one, though, but had a bit of a smile, and thought it was actually quite well-written, and actually semi-serious in intent.
I quite like this new(?) poster, but there's something of the 'try-hard' aspect about 'em, like they've diligently studied the posts of Doomy Dwyer and Castro Diaz, and have decided that's the CaB 'IN-HOUSE' STYLE WHAT SHOULD BE ADHERED TO (I actually forgot to take the caps lock button from offa the letter "B" from 'CaB' before ending that sentence, but have not corrected my error, as I quite like the idea of suddenly deciding to impersonate a dalek at the end of my statement ).

[Dannyhood91]

A woman at work asked me when I'm getting engaged to my girlfriend. I wish I'd told her never and that it's none of her fucking business.

[Icehaven]

Either I'm too romantic or too cynical but I don't understand the notion of ''getting engaged''. Either you're not engaged - neither has asked the other, you've maybe discussed that marriage might happen one day but there's nothing definite yet - or you are engaged - you have between you decided you will be married, either by one of you proposing or just mutually deciding you're going to do it. Saying you're going to get engaged is effectively saying you're intending to intend to do something, as if you need yet another level added between now and married, in which case are you quite sure it's what you want?

[bgmnts]

I seriously asked someone to marry me last year. It did not end well.

Next try asking humorously.

[Unnecessary Biscuits]

Either I'm too romantic or too cynical but I don't understand the notion of ''getting engaged''. Either you're not engaged - neither has asked the other, you've maybe discussed that marriage might happen one day but there's nothing definite yet - or you are engaged - you have between you decided you will be married, either by one of you proposing or just mutually deciding you're going to do it. Saying you're going to get engaged is effectively saying you're intending to intend to do something, as if you need yet another level added between now and married, in which case are you quite sure it's what you want?

My first relationship was at 32 and I'd scarcely had reason to dwell on the... procedures. It was novel to have asked my first girlfriend to marry me, four months in, and I kind of went along with the apparent next step. The second time there was an agreement to marry but no ring stuff, and I backed out after a couple of months. It's dressed up, but I suppose the engagement phase is like a warning that you're not pissing about, or even a slightly solipsistic message to oneself - are you pissing about? In that first engagement though I was having all sorts of deep feeling I couldn't shake off a feeling of playing mummies and daddies. Despite being the son of a three times married man and without responsibility myself in middle age I don't think I'm feckless, in fact probably getting engaged forced me to see that my non-fecklessness, my still untested serious attitude to love, was why I shouldn't be going further with someone who transpired to be unsuitable.

I don't see any reason to get engaged again unless maybe I meet someone so late, in my 60s, who has lived a frugal, marginal life like my own and who would like to have a taste of what our peers often had half a lifetime before. That is kind of why I still want to have the chance to be married, even if it might be doomed - to put this prized but tainted thing to the test, to see if it can be done away from the noise of youth.

[Sherringford Hovis]

I seriously asked someone to marry me last year. It did not end well.

No marriages end well. You either get divorced and hate your assumed soulmate, or one of you gets to watch helplessly as your other half degenerates into a pain-ridden agonisingly spiteful shadow of their former self whose death you wish for as a blessed release for both them and you.

The answer to Alice Deejay's rhetorical question is an unambiguous "Yes."

[TrenterPercenter]

Either I'm too romantic or too cynical but I don't understand the notion of ''getting engaged''. Either you're not engaged - neither has asked the other, you've maybe discussed that marriage might happen one day but there's nothing definite yet - or you are engaged - you have between you decided you will be married, either by one of you proposing or just mutually deciding you're going to do it. Saying you're going to get engaged is effectively saying you're intending to intend to do something, as if you need yet another level added between now and married, in which case are you quite sure it's what you want?

Well it is all shit for cunts obviously but the reason for this is that peasantry in the past had to ask permission from the authorities and church before they could get married which would allow them to fuck without going to hell.  So it you were engaged until this was sorted.

But yeah marriage is great and has a lovely rich history of state sanctioned procreation.  Obviously this doesn't apply today but as mentioned shit for cunts.

[Johnny Yesno]

I quite like this new(?) poster, but there's something of the 'try-hard' aspect about 'em

Mate.

[mothman]

You are on record as not finding Her Who Plays Villanelle attractive, so I'm afraid this invalidates any views you may have on anything whatsoever.

It's possible that one or more of my posts are satirical in nature. Except the one where you're dead inside, that's quite earnest.

[Dex Sawash]

[ tag.] Eliza Doolittle's dad decides not to get to church on time in depressing remake [/tag ]

[Icehaven]

Well it is all shit for cunts obviously but the reason for this is that peasantry in the past had to ask permission from the authorities and church before they could get married which would allow them to fuck without going to hell.  So it you were engaged until this was sorted.

Oh no I understand being engaged, you have to have time to plan the wedding and all that, what I mean is when people say things like "we''re getting engaged later this year", as in planning to get engaged. Surely that means you're already engaged?
Not everyone does this of course, in fact for most I think the process is; not engaged-engaged-married, it's just some throw in an extra imo uneccessary stage and make it; not engaged-getting engaged-engaged-married.

[TrenterPercenter]

OK marriage rant incoming...

There are simple too many problems with marriage in order for me to ever consider it for any romantic reason. legal i.e. a bringing a child into the world perhaps has some merit (though this really is a separate issue between citizens and state)

I have no problems whatsoever with people getting married, for the lolz, however I do have problems with people that are "pro-marriage".  You know, the type of people that actively look down of others and seemingly enjoy buying into what is actually quite a horrid a institution when you think about it logically.  Of course saying that upsets people as they think because marriage is riddled with oppressive and illogical aspects  that somehow this means their marriage is bad; It's a bit like arguing with a born again christian telling you "but god IS love" when you don't recognise that god exists in the first place, yes i'm sure your "marriage" is great.

Of course mainly it is highly oppressive to women, although as with a lot of coercive institutions based on social manipulation it is the oppressed group that often become the biggest advocates for their continued oppression.  I mean it's an incredibly harmful and disgusting trope that an unmarried women is a failure (much more than men) which glides effortlessly from shit media and out of the mouths of people that would consider themselves "nice" people.  Why are they a failure? Oh because they haven't been selected by a man silly, because men are still tasked with choosing proposing to women.  In reality this socio-cultural norm actually impacts women's mental health and is a fucking disgrace.

Ah but women can keep their surnames and not have announce to everyone how you are going to obey your new fella, so it is all fine, now wrap yourself up in virginal whites an get given away by another man.  Of course this is changing too I love the little adaptations people make in order to make it less of complete moral dumpster fire "we decided I wasn't going to wear white" or "I decided I was going to, you know, speak at my own wedding".  So radical, yet so ultimately compliant and revisionist. 

It's a bit like getting your firing squad to wear boutonneires or interior decorating Auschwitz rather than simply remembering the atrocities that occurred there, all cosmetic bullshittery.

Added to its horrendous historical and contingent misogyny it is also an affront to all logic; So marriage good right? So how about I just get married to 10 people then, 10x the marriage goodness? Oh that is not good? I should only marry one person you say, as it is meant to just be one person that you will be with forever, and I need to make that decision now, and tell everyone so that it is official, oh and there will be consequences socially, financially and legally if you want to not be married anymore. 

Fucking stupid.  Of course it isn't stupid if you were a local parish tasked with the social control of your peasants or a rich person trading wives for access to finance and commerce but from a "love" perspective it is completely fucking bonkers, on the spiritual and biological level.  If you are the type of person that welcomes the need for the scorn of a fake god, the worry of disapproval from family and friends and a financial penalty; in order for you either not be cunt, stop someone leaving you because you are a cunt or worse stay with a cunt yourself then you might consider that this relationship wasn't the best idea in the first place..."but I didn't realise I was a cunt/they were cunt at that point.....yes Sherlock that is the point people aren't cars you don't have to organise a down payment and buy them contractually in order to be with them (not anymore!), in fact dare I go so far to say that you shouldn't.

From the aliens view it would seem as if humans can't be trusted to be with someone and not be a cunt so they came up with a solution with all the security-rigour of a government internet porn filter.  I suppose in the tradition of smitey gods marriage can pave the way for vengeance "Love is.....knowing that if your partner shags your sister/brother you can take half his/her shit and fuck them up".  Thankfully in a world where women are rapidly gaining more and more autonomy and equality we can hope they won't turn to trashy prenups themselves but realise the stupidity of it all.

Anyway it is stupid, it doesn't make you happier, better citizens (unless you enjoy forelock tugging to the state) or anything more secure/real - i'll give you the day out and photos, but it is cheaper to go somewhere amazing on holiday (and they'll likely be a shit disco there too so don't worry!)

This might seem overly harsh but as someone that has been happily in a relationship for 14 years, one that has long lasted many others marriage and for all intents and purposes is at least as happy and fulfilling as anyone I know.  It is just you get tired of having to remind people that how you choose to live your life is the square root of fuck all to do with them and their batty ideas about paying a modern day wizard to sell you something you already have

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

^ Blimey. That's a bit heavy. I only started this thread in acknowledgement of the fact that I'm an ugly cunt with a crap personality, no money in the bank, no drive, no ambition, no talent, massively prone to depression, and no woman in their right mind would ever marry me.

[steve98]

Mate.

Indeed.

[Danger Man]

^ Blimey. That's a bit heavy. I only started this thread in acknowledgement of the fact that I'm an ugly cunt with a crap personality, no money in the bank, no drive, no ambition, no talent, massively prone to depression, and no woman in their right mind would ever marry me.

Just like me. Apart from the money, ambition, talent, depression and woman bits.

[mrpupkin]

interior decorating Auschwitz rather than simply remembering the atrocities that occurred there

This is going on the balloons

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Just like me. Apart from the money, ambition, talent, depression and woman bits.

Do you really feel this is representative of your best work?

[Danger Man]

No

[chveik]

OK marriage rant incoming...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtsT55Gj6gY