Shit trespass

[olliebean]

I just looked out of my window and saw a man taking a shit at the bottom of my garden. Bad enough if he'd been caught short, but he'd brought toilet paper with him, suggesting it was premeditated. He'd gone by the time I got to the door.

I can't even bring myself to be angry about it. Just a mild sense of resignation, a sort of - oh right, this is the way things are now. Brexit, MPs being praised for unprovoked violent attacks on women, rain leaking through my roof, and men shitting in my garden.

[BlodwynPig]

Will you clear it up?

[olliebean]

Don't think I can be arsed, I never go down that end of the garden anyway and there's a storm due tomorrow. Hopefully it'll get washed away along with all the fox poo.

[Dr Rock]

Perhaps he was doing it to win a bet with a sexy lady. Not such a bad fella now is he?

[a duncandisorderly]

compost. maybe his own compost heap was full. or busy. perhaps his wife or a surly teenaged offspring was on it & told him to fuck off next door.

get an air-rifle if it's likely to happen again. sting the cheeky bastard on his arse.

[Cerys]

Make a time lapse video of it diminishing away to nothing but soggy dust and egg-casts, captioned with backstory, titled 'This Is Britain', and posted on its own website.  You'll be lauded as a genius of artistic social commentary.

[Dr Rock]

I bet you don't have a problem if a cat does it you fucking racist.

[olliebean]

I bet you don't have a problem if a cat does it you fucking racist.

If a cat showed up with its own roll of toilet paper to do a premeditated poo in my garden, I'd be having a word with its owners.

[alan nagsworth]

Trying to imagine what I'd do in this situation. I reckon I'd shout "OI!!" but then what if it didn't scare him off? You can hardly just stop mid-shit and run away can you? Although that's probably not a concern for the type of person who goes about pinching loaves out in other peoples private property. Doing a runner and having a bit of shit flecking the back of your calves is probably part of the thrill. Trying to yank your kegs up as you run off, stumbling through the azaleas, startling the fish pond. Bet it makes the cunt hard as a rock. Bet he shuffles home and wanks himself senseless as the spattering of cack solidifies on his tensed leg muscles.

Anyway what if I shouted "OI!!" and he just turned and looked at me and carried on? I couldn't just walk away. That means he wins. I'd have to stand there and lock eye contact until he finished up. At the very least I'd have to have the minor victory of asking him where he's gonna wash his hands now. Yeah, that'll do.

[Cerys]

Invest in one of these.  Whether you fill it with water, urine or ink is up to you.

[a duncandisorderly]

Invest in one of these.  Whether you fill it with water, urine or ink is up to you.

a job well done.

[Buelligan]

David Walliams, again, of course.  Like fucking clockwork.  You should report it.  Since the referendum there's been a huge rise in sightings.  This needs to be entered into the figures for the sake of completeness if nothing else.

Bag up the shit and take it to the police station for analysis.

[a duncandisorderly]

David Walliams, again, of course.  Like fucking clockwork.  You should report it.  Since the referendum there's been a huge rise in sightings.  This needs to be entered into the figures for the sake of completeness if nothing else.

Bag up the shit and take it to the police station for analysis.

didn't he say he'd took a dump while swimming the channel? or ate one.... I forget which. dirty bastard either way.

[Buelligan]

It's the teeth.  Can't help it, poor thing.

[St_Eddie]

I just looked out of my window and saw a man taking a shit at the bottom of my garden. Bad enough if he'd been caught short, but he'd brought toilet paper with him, suggesting it was premeditated. He'd gone by the time I got to the door.

Did the phantom pooer have a bag with him?  It is possible that he was caught short and just happened to have some toilet roll upon his person at the time.

[BlodwynPig]

I admit I can fly

[pancreas]

An eye for an eye, and a shit for a shit. Fuck someone else's garden up. Eventually it will become a spate, or even epidemic. Children will eat the shit, probably go blind or whatever, and then the police will be forced to do something about it.

[Sebastian Cobb]

One of my mates was having a shit in a park and a dog run up and he had to shoo it before the owner followed it.

He also once slept in the long grass of said park, and scared the living shit out of a woman sat on a bench reading her book by sitting bolt upright.

[olliebean]

Did the phantom pooer have a bag with him?  It is possible that he was caught short and just happened to have some toilet roll upon his person at the time.

No bag, just the toilet roll.

There's a house up the road that seems to be empty with a load of building supplies out front, my housemate reckons it might be a builder who, lacking access to a working toilet on site, popped up the back alley to relieve himself, probably thinking that as my garden is very overgrown he wouldn't be spotted. Looked more like one of those young people you get these days to me.

[H-O-W-L]

I think I'd have thrown a javelin at the cunt.

[alan nagsworth]

Overgrown garden? Your property deserves to be shat on you unkempt fuck

[olliebean]

Overgrown garden? Your property deserves to be shat on you unkempt fuck

Fuck you, it's a nature reserve. I'm saving the planet.

[Blinder Data]

How big's your garden? It must be massive for him to think he could get away with shitting at the bottom of it. Share your oversized garden with the people, you capitalist pig

[olliebean]

It's an average sized garden. He probably thought the house was empty, because it's so overgrown and the back looks a bit dilapidated.

[alan nagsworth]

Dilapidated? Mate you are doing yourself no favours in here

[a duncandisorderly]

Dilapidated? Mate you are doing yourself no favours in here

no, he means the bloke's back looks dilapidated. he's been baking it for too long. probably threatened by RFV.