Can I have a glass of water?

[Unnecessary Biscuits]

Totally unnecessary. I'm not even on Prozac and I've just woken up from a horrible dream - can I go in your bed till the morning? A man, though half the time he is supposed to be me except he looks like a version of me the local women might mistake for a solvent and capable man, has killed this other man seemingly in an alcoholic blackout. I think I woke up briefly and then went back to sleep again because then this bloke, or me - "everyone in your dream is you", apparently - gets excited that he's found this person dead sitting on a toilet, the man he's killed, so he runs at the wall and crashes straight through it - a solid wall with tiles on. ("Laaadiessss!!") And the man's friend comes through and confirms that it is who they think it is, but he's in a right state, the dead fella, half the back of him is missing, half his head is gone, and the man who confirms that it is who they think it is reaches out and pulls a bit of spine off as if it is in the way of what he's trying to look at, or maybe he just wants to get in there and have a tiny piece of the violence. But I can remember thinking as if a third party that the man or me, if it's me, has forgotten that he did the killing because of the booze.

I think the dead bloke is this man who goes in the cafe where I go, who has given me the baboon eye a couple of times. I think he's narked because he saw the waitress, who he fancies, give me a birthday card and a peck on the cheek. He's giving me the baboon eye in there, a cafe, a place where families go and not a pub in the East End three hundred years ago - why would you do that? I think he went on the steroids and joined a gym but found he was the least impressive bloke there and nothing can be done about it so there's that and the card and the peck - it's all too much for him. I've been quite worried it might kick off in there - in a cafe! - and have had these flash-frame images of me doing him feral damage with a fork - the knives are too blunt, you can barely cut a fuckin' egg with them - pardon my French but they are crap knives - and stamping on his head till he's dead, which would take a while at the minute because I'm in sandals till October. Mix that in with my ongoing blackouts which have turned a bit dark this year when I've been filled in, and you have this dream I suppose. I've sometimes said to people that after a blackout I always check my fridge for human heads, first thing - it is a worry, that - but really you wouldn't get a head in there, not even if you lie it down face up. The compartments are too small. I think if I tried to push a head in there in a blackout I'd lose my temper cramming it in and the neurological activity of that would make me exit the blackout.

I don't even watch films that are graphic like that because of the gore and violence so I am annoyed to be lumbered with a dream of this type. Why haven't we got another faculty alongside the unconscious, to repress inconvenient dreams? I see mine is quite happy to keep sex out of it, and to make me wake up if anything good is happening, in the dream, so there is something there, a sort of superego/unconscious mutant conjoined twin faculty, but it's not working in my best interests - it's asleep on the job, as it were.

And now that pigeon's started up, with it's bullshit about Sha-niiii-a Twain, Sha-niii-a Twain, Sha-niii-a Twain. Ah well, at least I'm not in Syria. Got to be grateful haven't you. But I bet that pigeon is a right car-crash. People who get stuck on one artist long after their hayday tend to be a nightmare, don't they, but imagine a pigeon with that mentality.

[BlodwynPig]

Am i in a dream?

[a duncandisorderly]

what is 'the baboon eye'?

[The Boston Crab]

Dekionplexis leaves thread shaken to his very core

[Replies From View]

what is 'the baboon eye'?

You know what eyes are, I presume?

[Buelligan]

To the right?

[Unnecessary Biscuits]

what is 'the baboon eye'?

You have these fellas looking at you in a simian manner. This fella I'm talking about, sitting at a table with three others of the same ilk, actually turned to look at me as I entered the cafe and fixed on me, continuing to as I sat down. I've felt an increase in this in the last couple of years especially in line with the gym/ steroid abuse trend. I've got long hair and no tattoos/ muscles, so I stand out a bit in a way that a regular Joe doesn't. I offend these men, I'm sure.

[a duncandisorderly]

You have these fellas looking at you in a simian manner. This fella I'm talking about, sitting at a table with three others of the same ilk, actually turned to look at me as I entered the cafe and fixed on me, continuing to as I sat down. I've felt an increase in this in the last couple of years especially in line with the gym/ steroid abuse trend. I've got long hair and no tattoos/ muscles, so I stand out a bit in a way that a regular Joe doesn't. I offend these men, I'm sure.

ah.

[Buelligan]

You have these fellas looking at you in a simian manner. This fella I'm talking about, sitting at a table with three others of the same ilk, actually turned to look at me as I entered the cafe and fixed on me, continuing to as I sat down. I've felt an increase in this in the last couple of years especially in line with the gym/ steroid abuse trend. I've got long hair and no tattoos/ muscles, so I stand out a bit in a way that a regular Joe doesn't. I offend these men, I'm sure.

Don't worry about their eyes.  It's when they stand up and turn around.

That is the time for concern in a cafe or other public space.

[Replies From View]

ah.

And by the way the eyes are the two dots in the front of your head, above the nose.

Very glad to have been of help today as well, you are welcome.

[BlodwynPig]

Please wake me from my unquiet slumber

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I've never heard a pigeon say Shania Twain. They just make an annoying "coo coo coo, coo coo" sound. I fear you may be deranged.

[QDRPHNC]

Rick, I don't think you're an aeroplane.

[Shit Good Nose]

At some point Biscuits is bound to post a simple thread where he just says his bollocks ache or summat.  Literally just two words - "Bollocks ache."  Maybe a ", mate." as well.

[Buelligan]

I've never heard a pigeon say Shania Twain. They just make an annoying "coo coo coo, coo coo" sound. I fear you may be deranged.

When I was a baby, pigeons were the one thing that scared the shit out of me.  I still remember being put in my cot for a rest in the sultry equatorial pms.  I'd lie there, wakeful, not tired (the mother was tired), in the green gloom and listen to the sounds outside the open window. 

Bell birds calling for rain, rain birds tolling the hour, rustling in the papery bougainvillea that languished enormous and magenta from the weeping pepper trees. 

And then the hateful noise would start.  That song of sorrow and the woman-faced birds would claw creeping upwards, their feathery needle-nails, up that old warm wall towards the ledge, crying for the wickedness they'd do.  So I'd scream until someone came and picked me up.

[Twed]

They just make an annoying "coo coo coo, coo coo" sound.

Ah, so it's actually Buddy Holly.

[Dex Sawash]

sultry equatorial pms. 

<checks private messages>

[steve98]

Ah, so it's actually Buddy Holly.

Or Alvin Stardust (kind of)

[Cerys]

I've never heard a pigeon say Shania Twain. They just make an annoying "coo coo coo, coo coo" sound. I fear you may be deranged.

I can hear it.  'Coo-coo-coo coo'.  Sha-ni-a Twain.  And now I am doomed never to unhear it.  Wherever there are randy pigeons.  Sha-ni-a Twain.  Forever.

[Unnecessary Biscuits]

One time I was out on my balcony for a period, hanging out washing, and the coos stopped. I went to the shops then and when I got back, the bird - it probably wasn't a pigeon; one of the others - was calling, "Nooo-mi Ra-pace, Nooo-mi Rapaaace, Nooo-mi Ra-paaace." I think the bird - whether it was an owl or a crow or a pigeon - felt admonished by my appearance on the balcony, when I had only been innocently attending to chores. I think the eagle or genetically re-animated ornithomimus or whatever it was was trying to be more 'with-it'. It's Noomi Rapace this, Noomi Rapace that, wherever you go nowadays. But it's like with people who were still dressing like Gary Numan in the late 80s but then started to grow out of it. A second wind came and then next day it was back to the Shania Twain. I just let my clothes dry indoors now, I don't want to be in that pigeon's face.

Last night this man was in my dream, I recognise him from town, he's one of the many Mark Knopfler lookalikes we have here***. But his face was like very dark leather, very dark suede I should say. If you had a tweed jacket with one of the patches missing, just slice one of his cheeks off and you'd be good to go. At about 4 I got up for a leak and when I nodded off again he was still there. I think he'd been sitting on the benches outside the Civic Centre waiting for me to fall back asleep again. Really dark leather it was - he made David Dickinson look like a goth.

***We have the highest concentration of Mark Knopfler lookalikes in Western Europe in my home town. We have three Bee Gees also, but they're all Barry. You'd think they'd bus two of the Barrys out and get us a Maurice and a Robin but the Council do nothing. Nothing. £120,000 a year that Director's on, it makes you sick it does. Can't even unhomogenise the local Bee Gee-alike presence.

[Unnecessary Biscuits]

When I was a baby, pigeons were the one thing that scared the shit out of me.  I still remember being put in my cot for a rest in the sultry equatorial pms.  I'd lie there, wakeful, not tired (the mother was tired), in the green gloom and listen to the sounds outside the open window. 

Bell birds calling for rain, rain birds tolling the hour, rustling in the papery bougainvillea that languished enormous and magenta from the weeping pepper trees. 

And then the hateful noise would start.  That song of sorrow and the woman-faced birds would claw creeping upwards, their feathery needle-nails, up that old warm wall towards the ledge, crying for the wickedness they'd do.  So I'd scream until someone came and picked me up.

Though it was a little bit dark I thought that was quite a lovely little passage, Miss or Sir. Cheers.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

ESKEEWD BEEF! HAVE ANYBODY GOT ANY GLASSA WATER PLEEBE?

[Buelligan]

Kewl.

Though it was a little bit dark I thought that was quite a lovely little passage, Miss or Sir. Cheers.

Thank you, you're very kind.

[chveik]

Generous Seagull leaves thread disappointed