Unused plotlines from ‘Allo ‘Allo

[Ferris]

1 - the Germans misunderstand a broadcast of War of the Worlds and mistake it for the real thing. The Fourth Reich surrender en masse, and nobody tells them until after they've signed all the paperwork. With hilarious consequences!

2 - Compo is discovered as a double agent but escapes from the pesky Nazis in a bathtub down a hill, at high speed. With hilarious consequences!
Guest starring Jeremy Brett as Schutzstaffel Obergruppenführer Klaus Böttöm

3 - Renee and the camp German one move in together and learn to love their "Odd Couple" dynamic. With hilarious consequences!

[bgmnts]

1. Officer Crabtree is caught literally pissing by the door after a day on the drink whilst on duty, gets suspended and misses a meeting with Fairfax. Hilarity ensues.

Ricky Gervais makes a cameo.

[Glebe]

They go on a holiday break to Bognor Regis.

[Alberon]

In a special live episode featuring just one set and two actors Gestapo leader Herr Flick brutally tortures Rene relentlessly for the location of the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.

[non capisco]

Rene's Scottish cousin McRene comes to stay.

[Alberon]

Rene finds a time portal that leads to 1970s surburbia and Terry and June's cupboard under the stairs. Convincing Terry to swap places with him, Rene shacks up with June who barely notices as she's totally off her tits constantly with her latest batch of home grown weed. Thanks to Terry cocking up the timeline WWII ends up lasting ten years and is finally won by Iceland on penalties.

[non capisco]

Herr Flick's Irish cousin Herr O'Flick comes to stay.

[Ferris]

Rene's Scottish cousin McRene comes to stay.

Laughed

[Glebe]

Rene and friends slide down a hill in a bathtub.

[Ferris]

Herr Flick Falls through the bar

[dr_christian_troy]

Rene becomes a rapper.

[dr_christian_troy]

During World War II, Rene is stationed in Tunisia where he comes to terms with the possible outcome of Germany under Hitler's tyranny and grows concerned of the welfare of his troops in North Africa who have very little supplies to reach their destination in Sidi Mansour. Rene seeks to persuade a General to rejoin with another battalion stationed in North Africa due to having meager supplies to reach Sidi Mansour. The battalion comes under attack by P-40 fighter-bombers of the No. 3 Squadron RAAF, Desert Air Force. Rene is severely injured in the air raid and is evacuated home to Nazi Germany. He is recruited by Lieutenant Hubert Gruber into the German Resistance, which includes Colonel Kurt von Strohm and Captain Hans Geering.

Rene proposes using Operation The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies, which involves the deployment of the Reserve Army in a national emergency. The plotters redraft the plan's orders to dismantle the Nazi régime after assassinating Hitler. Realizing that only Lieutenant Hubert Gruber, the head of the Reserve Army, can initiate Valkyrie, they offer him a position as head of the Wehrmacht, but Gruber declines to be directly involved. Gruber's influence allows Rene direct access to Hitler, who approves the redrafted plan without fully examining the modifications.

Rene is ordered to assassinate both Hitler and Himmler at the Wolf's Lair. He persuades Herr Otto Flick to cut off communications after the attempt. On July 15, 1944, Rene attends a strategy meeting at Wolf's Lair with a bomb, but does not receive permission to proceed as Himmler is absent. Meanwhile, the Reserve Army is mobilized by Private Helga Geerhart. Rene leaves with the bomb and the Reserve Army is ordered to stand down. Gruber threatens Flick and Rene that he will arrest them if they try to control the Reserve Army again; Rene berates the plotters for their indecisiveness and condemns Officer Crabtree. When Crabtree demands that Rene be relieved, Flick informs him that the SS has issued a warrant for his arrest, and that he must leave the country immediately.

On July 20, 1944, Rene and his adjutant Michelle Dubois return to the Wolf's Lair. Due to the warm weather, the conference is being held in an open-window summer barrack, minimizing their bomb's effectiveness. Rene places the briefcase containing the bomb close to Hitler before leaving. An officer moves the case behind a table leg, inadvertently shielding Hitler. When the bomb explodes, Rene is certain that Hitler is dead and flees. Before shutting down communications, Major-General Erich von Klinkerhoffen calls Colonel Kurt von Strohm about the explosion but cannot confirm Hitler's death. Just before severing communications, von Klinkerhoffen sees that Hitler has survived.

Rene returns to Berlin. Gruber refuses to mobilize the Reserve Army without confirmation that Hitler is dead — Colonel Kurt von Strohm forges his signature and issues the orders. With Valkyrie underway, the plotters order the arrest of Nazi party leaders and SS officers, convincing lower officers that the Party and the SS are staging a coup, and soldiers begin to take control of the ministries. Rumors surface that Hitler survived the blast, but Rene dismisses them as SS propaganda. Gruber learns from Captain Alberto Bertorelli that Hitler is still alive. The General refuses to join the plotters, resulting in them detaining him.

Mimi Labonq of the Reserve Army prepares to arrest Goebbels, but is stopped when Goebbels connects her by phone to Hitler. Recognizing the voice on the other end, Labonq realizes that the Reserve Army has been duped. SS officers are released and the plotters are besieged inside the Bendlerblock. The headquarters staff flees, but the resistance leaders are arrested. Attempting to save himself, Gruber convenes an impromptu court martial, places Flick under arrest, and sentences von Strohm, Geering, Crabtree, and Rene to death. Flick commits suicide and the ringleaders are executed by firing squad — Rene's last act is to cry "You stupid woman!"

A postscript informs us that Edith asphyxiated Madame Fanny La Fan with a pillow.

With music by Croft and Moore.

[Shit Good Nose]

Rene, the French cafe patrons and the entire resistance succumb to sepsis after inserting rotten blue cheese into their ears, leaving Officer Crabtree and the two RAF airmen to single-handedly take on the might of the nazis.

YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING...

[dr_christian_troy]

Gary Sparrow goes on a trip to France and has an absinthe with Rene, who gives him some top tips about having affairs and being abusive to a wife and having no moral code or giving a shit about his loved ones. Gary wakes up hungover with a knockwurst rammed hard up his arsehole. In 1984.

[dr_christian_troy]

Tom Waits turns up at the cafe as an old man selling shoes stolen from bombsites. Mimi buys a pair of shoes and everyone mocks her for being the shape and size of a small child. Tom Waits ends the episode singing about cigarette butts being his only friends or something, so that no one can hear Rene shouting abuse at his wife in the back room.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Rene admits he was shagging the waitresses and Michelle all along but Edith simply shrugs, sending Rene into a deep depression from which he never recovers.

Rene finds a stray dog and trains it to carry secrets for the resistance, but accidentally also trains it to sniff Gruber's crotch, which he quite enjoys because he's a poofter.

Crabtree calls Rene "Ronno" which reminds Gruber of the gay Jewish lover he left to die in Germany, triggering a nervous breakdown.

Crabtree calls Rene "Renault" which reminds Gruber of the Renault Juvaquatre parked outside in the square but it's broken down which makes him nervous.

Rene, Del Boy and Ma Boswell unite against the Nazis, the Inland Revenue and Lilo-Lil in a BBC Comedy universe crossover event.

[dr_christian_troy]

Captain Mainwaring is drugged by Yvette while Rene goes through his pockets, only to find matted pubic hair and some superglue. He wakes up to find the war is over and his tank has been sold on eBay.

[dr_christian_troy]

Rene goes to Paris on a mission for the Resistance, only to then visit a brothel and smoke opium. He later realises that the cafe was bombed years ago and he's in a makeshift hospital being operated on and that this is his mind telling him that he's already dead like in that film.

[dr_christian_troy]

After the war, Herr Flick and Helga decide to set up a business where they pretend to be Nazis at racist parties in the 21st Century like it's totally normal and fine.

[DrGreggles]

Rene goes for a drive in a gale-force storm and gets attacked by a tree.

[Glebe]

I was just watching a bit of one on Drama with exploding chickens (really).

[Huxleys Babkins]

Rene tries to smuggle the airmen out of the sewer using an ice cream van with an idle so strong it makes the waitresses tits jiggle all about in Monsieur Alfonse's face. Meanwhile, some ducks run about for some reason.

Wait, that's series 7, episode 9.

[DistressedArea]

Reboot set on the eastern front.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Rene's grandson, Rene Jr. sets up an artisan French cafe-bar in Brighton with his boyfriend Edith Jr.

[Glebe]

Sir Dennis comes round for dinner then realises he's still a young man in the war.

[Ferris]

'Allo Sweetheart and Horses

Gary Sparrow finds a time portal which he uses to sell hooky modern-day sausages to a distraught Rene. Much to their surprise, Herr Flick professes his love for the cheap east London bangers and Gary and Rene team up for one last score - but they might need some help from a familiar face to seal the deal! Featuring Ed Sheehan as "Young Uncle Albert".

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Rene gets tortured by Herr Flick at the local Gestapo, with the laughs becoming more and more strained till he dies.  The punchline is that Flick dreamt it all, then resigns in horror when he wakes up.

[Glebe]

A visiting American airman asks Rene to make a Waldorf salad.

[Ferris]

Dad's Army crossover episode.

[willpurry]

Gruber asks Rene to hide his nude photo of Hitler.