Author Topic: Story time! Nags spends an hour alone inside a Satanic ritual (HIGHLY NSFW)  (Read 4236 times)

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
This happened some months ago, and those of you who knew me on Facebook before I deleted my account will probably have seen this stuff already, but hey, it's Sunday and I feel like telling a story.

First, a bit of context: I'm an inventory clerk. That means I spend most of my working day compiling full condition reports of London's rented properties. I've been doing this for over five years and I have thoroughly inspected literally thousands of homes throughout the city. I've had a shit in many of them, and I've napped in a few of them. I've had a few unconventional experiences, like the one in an old Kensington mansion block where I was convinced a ghost was following me about, or the one in Wimbledon where the tenant, a trans woman who suffered numerous physical and mental issues and had hoarded fucking tons of newspapers and literally torn her own bathroom ceiling down, had been evicted and for all I knew was probably now homeless. That one really fucking bummed me out. I saw stuff in there that will stick with me forever. There's also the flat in east central where the tenant had got pissed, walked out the door, and immediately fallen to her death on the stairway. There was wine splattered all over the walls. It was a little unsettling.

I've got a strong stomach, though; I can shrug this stuff off and I never take it home with me. But I've never been inside a vessel for a Satanic ritual before, effectively cursed for life if you believe in that sort of thing, and I've certainly never had to spend an hour in one, giving explicit details on the atrocities surrounding me. All that changed in January this year.

Here's the basic back story for you: A landlord decided to rent out her six bedroom Victorian house through a letting agency. That agency hires us for the inventory works. They also let the property out to one person, who then in turn sublet the place out to any number of rotating student/young people over the course of three years. In that three-year period, everything's relatively hunky dory. However, the landlord decided to terminate the lease and move back in with her elderly mother to take care of her, and that's where the trouble starts. The one person subletting the place, instead of handing the keys back at the end of the tenancy when everyone has vacated, decided to illegally occupy this fucking massive empty house on his own for three months until the bailiffs came and booted the door in. And that's where little old me comes into the equation.

On the booking email for this job, the landlord had given us a simple forewarning: "it's bad". I scoffed. I didn't know what I was walking into. When I arrived, the landlord's associate greeted me and handed me a breathing mask and a pair of latex gloves. "Is it really that bad?" I asked. He told me to prepare myself. As he opened the front door, he said that what I would immediately see on entry is spread through every single room. This is what I saw:



I didn't even notice the fucking tiny Christmas tree until I was leaving, but the brown stuff? Yeah, that's shit. It's human shit. And the chap wasn't exaggerating: it was smeared on every single wall of the house. Six bedrooms, two bathrooms, all caked in shit. There was also all manner of gratuitous ephemera scrawled about the place. Fucking massive cartoon dicks. Pentagrams. Words like "kill", "help" and "fuck". Here's one of the bedrooms:


(click for full size)

As well as that, in many of the rooms on the floors and windowsills were fish heads/tails and huge clumps of shit. I won't post those photos directly, but for the curious, you can see them here, here and here. Understandably the landlord's pal wanted fuck all to do with the place, so he sat outside in his car the whole time, so I had to spend an hour wandering about this place on my own. Many of the lights didn't work. There were tealights strewn about the rooms. A vivid picture of a person overcome by malicious ritualistic urges spending their nights in a dimly-lit house caked in shit and fish guts began to form in my mind. The longer I spent there documenting it all, the more disturbed and upset I became. It was honestly, truly horrible.

The point at which I decided I'd seen enough and had to leave was when I opened the door to one of the top floor bedrooms and saw this:



I remember just standing in the doorway, staring at this garish drawing, aghast, mortified, deeply desolate and dispirited. To you, the reader, it looks goofy. Sure, it's pretty funny, even. Baphomet there with a great honking pair of tits. And who's this? He's got a couple of mates there with him. Is that a demonic interpretation of Muttley on the right there, sniggering away at me? But in the context of the situation, it was terribly disturbing. I went in, opened the wardrobe doors and on the inside were scribbled the phrases "mental health", "never loved" and "kill me". That was enough for me! I think it's probably safe to say this tenant isn't getting their deposit back! Arrivederci, poo house.

I went home, the images and the sheer fucking stench of fish and shit seared into my eyes, my nostrils, my mind. I put every item of clothing on a hot wash, had a long shower, then sat on my bed with a spliff and a bottle of wine and listened to Stereolab's Mars Audiac Quintet to completely disengage.

After doing some research, I learned that people using a space for a Satanic ritual are advised to defile the property as much as possible. So the dicks and the almost clichéd nastiness scrawled on the walls might look like some sort of childish dirty protest, but that stuff's textbook. So are the fish heads. A number of friends speculated that this was just a sort of prank or the result of a dispute with the agent or landlord, but the sheer scale of of this stuff goes way beyond that. I've seen tenants do that sort of thing, and this wasn't it. This was fucking beyond. To quote David Owen as paraphrased on The Day Today, "I don't think I've ever seen such... anything so totally wanton and ghastly. A mess, terrible."

I'll leave you with this drawing on the wall above the top floor landing, which even right there in that situation was objectively fucking hilarious to me:



I will never not find that image funny.

I'll take all questions you may have, and I'll probably squirt out some other mental property inspection stories if I can be arsed, but for now, I hope you've enjoyed this one.

imitationleather

  • "The French... are famous... for their kissing"
    • http://last.fm/user/ImiLeathr
Oh come on. We've all raved in worse.

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
At least the rat drawings on the walls of your old gaff were more light-hearted.

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
When can i move in?

imitationleather

  • "The French... are famous... for their kissing"
    • http://last.fm/user/ImiLeathr
At least the rat drawings on the walls of your old gaff were more light-hearted.

That was free community art. >:(

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
When can i move in?

Some mental new age synth/prog stuff would soundtrack this place really well, to be fair.

NoSleep

  • feat. Keith Jarrett and his singing parrot
    • Space Is The Place
Fry's tiny toilet is more satanic.

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
Yeah but only when Fry's in it

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
It's worth noting that I've no fuckin idea where this lunatic tenant went after this. He wasn't in when the bailiffs turned up. Also, he wasn't using it as a living space. He lives somewhere else and he didn't "move in" here. There was no sign of habitation like no toiletries or food in the cupboards or any evidence like that. For whatever reason, I can only deduce that once his sublet tenants vacated, he walked into the place and though "fuck me! This house would be GREAT for that ritual I've been meaning to crack on with!"

He must have done so much pooing, the amount of it on the walls, it was insane. The downstairs toilet (which had been smashed in half) was piled up a few inches above the non-existent waterline with the stuff. Lord only knows what the bastard's diet was like.

NoSleep

  • feat. Keith Jarrett and his singing parrot
    • Space Is The Place
Sounds more like the toilet broke and one of the sub-tenants complained to him, didn't get an answer, so spread the fruits of his non-response all over the place.

Fuck, that’s disgusting. You did work for a landlord?  Not surprised you’d need a shower afterwards.

non capisco

  • A+ in arson class
I thought this before when you first showed me this delightful scene, how long into a Satanic ritual is it that you dejectedly look at all the dicks and goblins you've drawn on the walls and all the shit you've painstakingly smeared all over the shop and think "*sigh* He's not going to turn up, is he? I feel like such a fool."

Didn't you say there were locked rooms at the top of the house that you never looked in? FUUUCK THAT.


Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Are we human? Or are we toilet
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Your video about the landlord who fitted a shit lock on a window is a glorious piece of comedy, you should share that one too.


pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Bodog was getting into this stuff before he left us.

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
I thought this before when you first showed me this delightful scene, how long into a Satanic ritual is it that you dejectedly look at all the dicks and goblins you've drawn on the walls and all the shit you've painstakingly smeared all over the shop and think "*sigh* He's not going to turn up, is he? I feel like such a fool."

Didn't you say there were locked rooms at the top of the house that you never looked in? FUUUCK THAT.



It doesn't matter what walk of life you're from: if you spend three months making shit and fish canapés and the guest of honour doesn't turn up, you're going to be a bit upset.

And yeah, basically every room had a lock on it, since each one was individually let to different people. So having locks in the first place isn't uncommon or strange, but it is strange that it seems this chap, like Graham Linehan does with his Twitter account, guardedly locked each bedroom every evening after clocking off from another session of incantations and rampant shitting, because when the bailiff turned up he had to boot in every individual door. He would've been the first person to see all of this, the poor sod.

It's my guessing that he got most of the way through the house and thought, "you know what? Fuck this", made his excuses and left, and so the top two bedroom doors remained locked, the landing light not working and serving to shroud this last portion of the house in unseen dread. I'd imagine the interiors were probably much the same as the rest of the property, but the mind certainly wanders in these situations, and I couldn't help thinking there would be some sort of child sacrifice or something in there. Or the tenant himself, just waiting, brooding away in silence like a mad cunt. Brrr.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

  • It rubs the lotion on its skin
They could probably still get away with renting it out in that condition for £800 pcm in that fancy London.

What was the book in the bath in the fish-head pictures?

I work with a woman who lives next door to an African man who conducts exorcisms in his house and she regularly has to call the police due to the screams she hears from children who have been brought to see him.


alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
Your video about the landlord who fitted a shit lock on a window is a glorious piece of comedy, you should share that one too.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/KohBuvLZx5fuJ5s96

Let me know if this link works. Hopefully it doesn't give access to the rest of my account.

seepage

  • throwing a dog at some goblins
TENANT RULES:
1. DO NOT SMEAR EXCREMENT ON WALLS
2. NO MORE THAN TWO DEMONS IN ROOM AFTER 6 PM
3. NO CHANTING
etc.

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
What was the book in the bath in the fish-head pictures?

I work with a woman who lives next door to an African man who conducts exorcisms in his house and she regularly has to call the police due to the screams she hears from children who have been brought to see him.



Ah yeah I wish I could remember this. It was some tosh about Shiva, if I recall correctly. Safe to assume he wasn't a big Shiva fan.

It is mental what goes on behind closed doors eh? This house was part of a massive terrace on a nice looking residential street. Imagine finding out this had been going on next door to you for the last three months.

the

         



If you'd posted this earlier in the year, I wouldn't have bothered coming up with a cover for HaHa Tape IV.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/KohBuvLZx5fuJ5s96

Let me know if this link works. Hopefully it doesn't give access to the rest of my account.

That's great! (Can't see anything else on your account.)

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
         



If you'd posted this earlier in the year, I wouldn't have bothered coming up with a cover for HaHa Tape IV.

Isn’t this a picture of Porknell Boswego?

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
TENANT RULES:
1. DO NOT SMEAR EXCREMENT ON WALLS
2. NO MORE THAN TWO DEMONS IN ROOM AFTER 6 PM
3. NO CHANTING
etc.

<note on the fridge door>

Quote
To whoever used my fish heads in an act of ritualistic defilement (you KNOW who you are, and YES I know it was you, Anton!!) those were supposed to go in a stew this weekend and I do NOT appreciate not being asked beforehand if they can be instead used to summon demons or whatever weird shit you get up to in your room!! THANKS


I've had a few unconventional experiences, like the one in an old Kensington mansion block where I was convinced a ghost was following me about

Is there any more to this one? Definitely want to hear more of your tales. Have you ever seen a bare bum?

the

Isn’t this a picture of Porknell Boswego?

No. It's much funnier than that.

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
That's great! (Can't see anything else on your account.)

Cool! I'm also going to share the video I made in this house so you can get a full taste of it. It should be in there now.

alan nagsworth

  • meat suite marathon!
         



If you'd posted this earlier in the year, I wouldn't have bothered coming up with a cover for HaHa Tape IV.

Hahaha, thanks for editing it into this format. Honestly it's so good isn't it?

"Here lads, I've turned meself into a naked hairy ape woman with bollocks and drawn the Star of David on my stomach! Eh! Star of David, that do anything for ya?!"

It's the Dreamworks face that's setting me off.

the

I nearly Photoshopped it onto the cover of Unkle's Psyence Fiction, but I couldn't be fucked.