Author Topic: Story time! Nags spends an hour alone inside a Satanic ritual (HIGHLY NSFW)  (Read 5028 times)

Twed

  • What, prick? That's my child. My Johnson's child
I'm sure there's a reason why people who aren't multi-millionaires live in central London but I can't figure out what that might be.

"Ooh it's vitally important that I can get to <xyz> on a 25 minute tube journey instead of from a commuter train that takes 40 minutes".

Small Man Big Horse

  • Member
  • **
  • Writers wanted for comedy website, pls click below
I'm sure there's a reason why people who aren't multi-millionaires live in central London but I can't figure out what that might be.

"Ooh it's vitally important that I can get to <xyz> on a 25 minute tube journey instead of from a commuter train that takes 40 minutes".

It tends to be expensive to live near a station though, so you have to get a bus / taxi on top of that, and combined with however long you have to wait for the train to get to London in the first place can easily add an extra hour on to your journey each way.

grassbath

  • Crocker was too green to see it
It's that bad huh?

It's ok. Not as good as The Eraser, but light years ahead of anything he's done on his own since. One track is very good indeed. Regardless of quality I can testify that it fosters a general atmosphere of dread and unease and does not gel with abandoned suburban houses with evidence of extreme mental illness and negative vibes inside.

alan nagsworth

  • feel it in the belly like a yellow worm with teeth
Off the top of my head, the only other properly notable stories I have (and by "notable", I mean more severe than just being really really messy or bailiffs having booted in and changed the locks the day prior or tenants/landlords generally being cunts getting in the way of my work and me telling them to sod off) are:

1. Once got booked by a letting agent who are supreme cunts of the highest order - not naming names but if you know London you'll know the company - to do an inventory for a place which they'd told us was big but cheekily not told us how big. This was back when I used to work Sundays, and I just had this one job that day. I got there and it was a fucking disused care home for the elderly. Four storeys, three kitchens, twelve bedrooms each with its own ensuite, fully furnished and with its own functioning elevator. The place was bastard MASSIVE and it took me about six hours to do the lot.

Needless to say, you spend that long in an empty old folks home completely on your own and you start getting really weirded out after a bit. Mostly it was just extremely tedious and exhaustive but the basement boiler room in particular was a bit eerie. In one of the bedrooms, there were claw marks that had chipped the paint off alongside the bed. Outside another, there was a crucifix that had been drawn above the door with a dirty finger. Hated that place.

I found out afterwards that it was just being used for some community outreach project or something and the place was literally only to be occupied for a fucking month. A full scale inventory of the whole place, for a cunting month of occupancy. Needless to say when the works order came in the next month for me to do the check out I told them to absolutely get fucked.

2. An expensive riverfront apartment overlooking the Royal Victoria Dock, a stones throw away from the Emirates Air Line cable car. When I arrived, the landlord and agent were both there, the former in a bit of a state. All they told me that the tenant had been "the brother of a famous footballer", and in what he'd presumably considered to be an act of wild rebellion, he'd completely annihilated the place. Poured bleach over all the upholstered furniture and slashed it all to ribbons, smashed all the hard furniture to bits, and thrown all manner of foodstuffs including ice cream, cooking oil, salt and sugar all over the kitchen. The landlord felt so bad for me having to inspect it (even though it was really easy because everything was just "heavily damaged" or "heavily soiled/stained"), she went out and bought me lunch afterwards.

3. A lavish garden flat in Kensington where the tenants, in part of a much larger scheme, had used the place as an Airbnb. It was a decent enough size for a 2-bedroom place, but they'd been listing it on the site as sleeping twelve people. Fucking twelve! In addition to this, they'd completely removed all of the landlord's tasteful and expensive furniture and replaced it with cheap shit. They'd crammed four extra beds in - including one in the spacious hallway - and peppered the walls with those black and white canvas photo prints of London where the bus and phone box are still red.

This one really sucked. When I arrived the landlord said she only found out when she popped round herself to see why the tenants hadn't even been paying the rent for three months, because the letting agent in charge had done fuck all about it, and was greeted by some American chap she'd never met. On top of this, she now had no idea where any of her furniture had disappeared to, and she was only renting the place out to begin with because she'd moved in with her dad to care for him whilst he fought a losing battle with cancer. Utter bleakness. I felt terrible for her.

4. Did the inventory for Des'ree's flat after she'd moved out. Acoustics were fucking mad in there. That's nowt, though: my mate's done the inventory of Robbie Williams' old gaff and told me it was a serious exercise in poor taste.

And the dildo in the washing machine?

buzby

  • Member
  • **
Missed this thread yesterday  the yideo on Phil's CaBTV stream last night makes sense now. It remined me a bit of the state of my alcoholic auntie's house when we found her after she had died.

alan nagsworth

  • feel it in the belly like a yellow worm with teeth
Haha, did Phil play the video?

And the dildo in the washing machine?

Oops, knew I forgot one!

Yes, at a checkout inspection I found a six inch rubber dildo with a nice blue/purple gradient inside the inner door seal of a washing machine. I can only assume it was either hidden there by the tenant and forgotten about, or ... or, you know, they'd washed it in there. As someone with a base sense of humour and love of physical comedy, the thought of a lone dildo thumping about inside the metal drum of a washing machine is a thing of joy to me. Anyway, I went back to the agent after, told them, we all had a good laugh, it's forgotten about.

About three months later, I get booked to do a fresh inventory at this place, as renovation works had taken place and a new tenant was moving in. I only remembered the place when I walked in, and thought, "wouldn't it be hilarious if that dildo was in the washing machine?!"

Of course, you know damn well that dildo was still in the washing machine.

When the new tenants arrived - two female friends - I told them about it and we all had a crude chuckle about it, even with them remarking about how they'd end up fighting over it. Aah, good times.

king_tubby

  • [melancholy ambient music playing]
Landlords though, eh? Scum.

Sub-human scum.

St_Eddie

  • LIKES: Deviled eggs DISLIKES: The Devil & bad eggs
    • St_Eddie's YouTube Channel
Haha, did Phil play the video?

Only a bit of it.  I think that buzby was the only one who hadn't seen it before.

alan nagsworth

  • feel it in the belly like a yellow worm with teeth
I want that video played at my funeral.

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
Which video is this?

St_Eddie

  • LIKES: Deviled eggs DISLIKES: The Devil & bad eggs
    • St_Eddie's YouTube Channel
Which video is this?

The satanic flat (the second video here).

buzby

  • Member
  • **
Only a bit of it.  I think that buzby was the only one who hadn't seen it before.
Yeah, I was on family duty yesterday so was out of the loop when that video popped up on Phil's stream.

Based on his videos I think Nags has got a future career as a Roger Cook-style doorstepping investigative journalist though - "More of this...bullshit". The broken window video is like a live action version of one of Vices's London Rental Opportunity Of The Week columns.

The "More of this...bullshit" line was my favourite bit. Chuckling again now thinking about it.

alan nagsworth

  • feel it in the belly like a yellow worm with teeth
Based on the few videos I've made in the last couple years, a number of friends have told me I should start some sort of youtube channel for it. The trouble is that the mental stuff is so few and far between that it wouldn't really be worth it. I'd have to start getting far more imaginative with my commentary of more mundane things which I sadly don't think I've got in me.

At the advice of one friend, I did get in touch with Vice about publishing the Satan poo house story, but I had no response. I might fire another email over now actually, I guess it can't hurt to be persistent.

Thanks for the kind words. :)

Watching the video the thing that would have totally freaked me out was if one of the room was immaculate. Felt kind of reassured that they were all shitty messes.

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
Based on the few videos I've made in the last couple years, a number of friends have told me I should start some sort of youtube channel for it. The trouble is that the mental stuff is so few and far between that it wouldn't really be worth it. I'd have to start getting far more imaginative with my commentary of more mundane things which I sadly don't think I've got in me.

At the advice of one friend, I did get in touch with Vice about publishing the Satan poo house story, but I had no response. I might fire another email over now actually, I guess it can't hurt to be persistent.

Thanks for the kind words. :)

Would love you to host a show called

Inventories of the Devil

Or

The Devil in the Dishwasher

gib

  • weak and wobbly
Yeah, I was on family duty yesterday so was out of the loop when that video popped up on Phil's stream.

Based on his videos I think Nags has got a future career as a Roger Cook-style doorstepping investigative journalist though - "More of this...bullshit". The broken window video is like a live action version of one of Vices's London Rental Opportunity Of The Week columns.

I think so too. At first i was worried he'd have one of those soft poshboy southern accents that most Cabbers seem to have before you turn off in disgust, christ if i could win a fight with them where's the respect supposed to come from. But he was ok. Needs video/pics though otherwise it doesn't work.

Hope you enjoyed my review.

alan nagsworth

  • feel it in the belly like a yellow worm with teeth
I think so too. At first i was worried he'd have one of those soft poshboy southern accents that most Cabbers seem to have before you turn off in disgust, christ if i could win a fight with them where's the respect supposed to come from. But he was ok. Needs video/pics though otherwise it doesn't work.

Hope you enjoyed my review.

It's a shame really because I used to have much more of a noticeable West Midlands accent but seven years in London has sadly bleached it all away like so much poo on a wall. I'm almost at the point of pronouncing it "glarse" instead of "glass", that's the final straw for me. Then I get issued one of them Stephen Hawking things.

Based on the few videos I've made in the last couple years, a number of friends have told me I should start some sort of youtube channel for it. The trouble is that the mental stuff is so few and far between that it wouldn't really be worth it. I'd have to start getting far more imaginative with my commentary of more mundane things which I sadly don't think I've got in me.

At the advice of one friend, I did get in touch with Vice about publishing the Satan poo house story, but I had no response. I might fire another email over now actually, I guess it can't hurt to be persistent.

Thanks for the kind words. :)

I know someone who got one of those london rental things in Vice just by tweeting Joel Golby the listing.

alan nagsworth

  • feel it in the belly like a yellow worm with teeth
Ah yes, of course that’s the way Vice get their pitches. Well I’ll probably have a stab at that then!

touchingcloth

  • Member
  • **
  • She is hot in the arse.
Was the deposit registered in a TDP?

Based on the few videos I've made in the last couple years, a number of friends have told me I should start some sort of youtube channel for it. The trouble is that the mental stuff is so few and far between that it wouldn't really be worth it. I'd have to start getting far more imaginative with my commentary of more mundane things which I sadly don't think I've got in me.

At the advice of one friend, I did get in touch with Vice about publishing the Satan poo house story, but I had no response. I might fire another email over now actually, I guess it can't hurt to be persistent.

Thanks for the kind words. :)

Are you not breaching any kind of confidentiality law by filming it in the first place and to an even greater degree if you were putting up vids on youtube? Dont mean that in a confrontational way just curious...like would your work be angry if they knew you were sharing videos or would they not be arsed?

The Lurker

  • Your whole life has led up to you reading this
This thread is absolute gold and I finally found out what on earth alan nagsworth's avatar is all about, so it's all good.

4. Did the inventory for Des'ree's flat after she'd moved out. Acoustics were fucking mad in there. That's nowt, though: my mate's done the inventory of Robbie Williams' old gaff and told me it was a serious exercise in poor taste.

Presumably she spent her time there just eating toast and watching the evening news?

Mad good acoustics or mad bad, is what I wanted clarifying... :-)

And yeah, I couldn't believe how much nagsworth's accent has shifted since I first heard him on CaB Radio over ten years ago now.

zomgmouse

  • I love carrots
    • BEN VOLCHOK DOT COM
Why am I only just seeing this?

Someone make a film out of this.

The Clerk
starring Alan Nagsworth

a duncandisorderly

  • the rough and tumble of the internet
mate of mine runs a firm of contractors largely engaged in landscape gardening projects for supermarket car-parks & the like, but with a side-line in "clean-up" operations. he once sent me a load of pics of exactly the sort of thing nags has been describing, toliets overflowing with shite & stuff like that. on a slightly grimmer note, he & his lads got the gig of cleaning up after the tube bombing in 2005.

we meet up every now & then to go see hawkwind.

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
On gore accumulator

mate of mine runs a firm of contractors largely engaged in landscape gardening projects for supermarket car-parks & the like, but with a side-line in "clean-up" operations. he once sent me a load of pics of exactly the sort of thing nags has been describing, toliets overflowing with shite & stuff like that. on a slightly grimmer note, he & his lads got the gig of cleaning up after the tube bombing in 2005.

we meet up every now & then to go see hawkwind.

There's a netflix/canal+ comedy drama about this, some french cleaner ends up doing work for a really stereotypical Britsh mobster. Eeally on the nose stuff, mobster puts an lp on his beomaster and exclaims 'this is an excellent piece of music' as Charles Bradley's the world is going up in flames and we cut to the lads cleaning up after a murder.

Denis Ménochet is probably the best thing about it.

a duncandisorderly

  • the rough and tumble of the internet
There's a netflix/canal+ comedy drama about this, some french cleaner ends up doing work for a really stereotypical Britsh mobster. Eeally on the nose stuff, mobster puts an lp on his beomaster and exclaims 'this is an excellent piece of music' as Charles Bradley's the world is going up in flames and we cut to the lads cleaning up after a murder.

Denis Ménochet is probably the best thing about it.

'spotless' would appeal to my mate, if he could sit still for long enough. he has a number of brothers who are all wrong 'uns of one sort or another, at least one dead & at least one in the big house.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's tucked away in the credits as some sort of consultant.