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Story time! Nags spends an hour alone inside a Satanic ritual (HIGHLY NSFW)

Started by alan nagsworth, June 30, 2019, 01:08:07 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Cerys

QuoteWho has the theme from Jaws as their ringtone?! Vicious bastards, that's who. That's not the ringtone of a balanced individual.

The theme from Jaws might only have been the ringtone for when a particular person called him.  His mother-in-law, maybe, or the Inland Revenue.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: alan nagsworth on July 01, 2019, 11:59:54 AM
Yes, the spooky door, the poo house and the Classic Rock magazine hoarding flat were three separate properties.

My mistake.

holyzombiejesus

Nags, when you cooked the risotto or used the spices, did you not feel a bit dodgy? What's the best thing you've taken from a house?

checkoutgirl

Quote from: alan nagsworth on July 01, 2019, 12:37:17 PM
Another story:

I remember having one job where I was warned beforehand by our operations manager that the landlord was a "bully" and that I wasn't to be intimidated by them whatsoever, and was free to leave at any time if I felt like it was getting too much. In my personal life, I'm very prone to offence due to social anxiety in any of its guises forcing my brain one way or the other, but professionally, when it comes to being put upon by total strangers, I don't take any shit. I can hold my ground well and, since my job is from an objective third party stance, I've never not come out on top. So I wasn't worried.

When I arrived at the job, the landlord hadn't yet arrived, but the tenant was there. I took the opportunity to ask her about the landlord, and she started going into a small rant about how he was a deceptive, manipulative bully who had been chipping away at her ever since she moved in through one issue or another. As she did so, her voice started trembling, and she honestly started crying. It was too overwhelming for her to even talk about.

Around this moment, we heard the landlord's key in the door, and the tenant quickly began to dry her eyes and compose herself, telling me to "just watch him, that's all I'll say". It was like I'd stepped into investigating a domestic abuse case.

The landlord himself was immediately a quiet, composed man in his late 60s. He stayed for the full inspection (the tenant made an excuse to leave right away, but not before shooting me a "look after yourself" glance over his shoulder), and not once did he present himself as anything but a well-mannered and patient individual. But there was something there. Much like my ghost tale, something didn't feel right and it made me uneasy. Like being told there's a poisonous snake somewhere in your kitchen and you can't take your eyes off the quaint little tea cosy.

Anyway the job goes without a hitch and before I leave I head downstairs to give him a brief rundown of any major issues. As I'm doing so, his phone rings. What ringtone does he have? Is it the shite iPhone xylophone one? Is it some groovy little MIDI salsa tune? No. It's the fucking theme from Jaws. Who has the theme from Jaws as their ringtone?! Vicious bastards, that's who. That's not the ringtone of a balanced individual. All of a sudden right then it made sense. I was glad I got out of there alive.

I know you've got better stories than that.

St_Eddie

Quote from: holyzombiejesus on July 01, 2019, 01:06:56 PM
Nags, when you cooked the risotto or used the spices, did you not feel a bit dodgy? What's the best thing you've taken from a house?

It is pretty dodgy to take that stuff, I agree.  I know that no-one was going to make use of it but still...

If nothing else, given the state of the toilet belonging to the previous owner of the risotto and spices, I wouldn't want to touch anything that had been handled by them, much less cook and consume it.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: St_Eddie on July 01, 2019, 01:52:32 PM
It is pretty dodgy to take that stuff, I agree.  I know that no-one was going to make use of it but still...

If nothing else, given the state of the toilet belonging to the previous owner of the risotto and spices, I wouldn't want to touch anything that had been handled by them, much less cook and consume it.

Also, remember he was now possessed by Baal.

holyzombiejesus

Quote from: St_Eddie on July 01, 2019, 01:52:32 PM
It is pretty dodgy to take that stuff, I agree.  I know that no-one was going to make use of it but still...

If nothing else, given the state of the toilet belonging to the previous owner of the risotto and spices, I wouldn't want to touch anything that had been handled by them, much less cook and consume it.

I was amused rather than horrified and definitely don't want to criticise him for doing this but I do enjoy thinking of him telling mates in the pub about the grim houses he's been to and then proudly producing some garam masala and Arborio rice from his bag. In fact, I'm laughing now thinking of him treating himself to a chocolate or two.

Space ghost

Tampering with sweets and adulterating treats then leaving them laying around in order to tempt the unsuspecting is exactly the sort of thing a satanist would do.

holyzombiejesus

The chocolates weren't in the satanist's house. Stop conflating!

pancreas

I would like more stories about where there was shit everywhere. I like imagining the smell of loads of shit.

alan nagsworth

Nah I don't give even the remotest of shits about half inching things from vacant properties. If you were walking through the jungle and you found a dead monkey with a sacred amulet in its gob would you balk at the idea of taking it? The same applies to some dead fuck and her bowl of chocolates. I spend most of my day on my feet, I walk 8-10 miles a day and sometimes I find myself needing a sugar lift. I don't care if the poor crone was sat right there dead as Dillinger with the half unwrapped treat gnarled up in her stiff little fingers, I'd have still eaten the fucker. The chocolate, I mean.

I once did a favour to a friend of letting in an inventory clerk to their house as I had the spare keys. He used a voice recorder and did a constant running commentary on the condition of the property.
"Light switch, brass, small scratches to right hand side. Some grease marks from finger contact on wall surrounding switch." Etc.
Do you do the same thing?
"Hallway. Two detached light fittings in ceiling above top of stairs. Loose BT type telephone connector to left of stairs. Spindles painted and in serviceable condition. Handrail has lost area of gloss paint by upper newel post.  Walls painted white or cream. Generally serviceable.  Undulating eleven foot smear of human faeces visible to left hand wall, originally runny, now set hard. Large Pentagram to left hand wall, crudely painted (red).  Small Christmas tree mounted on lower newel post (removable)."

St_Eddie

Quote from: alan nagsworth on July 01, 2019, 02:39:05 PM
If you were walking through the jungle and you found a dead monkey with a sacred amulet in its gob would you balk at the idea of taking it?

I'd likely be consumed by ponderous thoughts as to what life decisions I've made that have led me to a point where I now find myself standing in a jungle, staring at a dead monkey laying at my feet with a sacred amulet in its gob.  The thought of prying said amulet from betwixt the dead monkey's fangs would likely be the last thing on my mind.  I'd just want to go back to Blighty and have a nice cup of tea, quite frankly.

Also, for that comparison to work, you'd have to be nicking gold teeth out of the mouths of dead residents.  I certainly hope that you're not doing that.

alan nagsworth

Quote from: sick as a pike on July 01, 2019, 02:58:53 PM
Do you do the same thing?

Heh, no, but I used to. My old job was dictaphone based and we outsourced the audio to typists in Bangladesh. These days I use a comprehensive app on an iPad, and I only dictate (the text to speech is pretty good) if no one else is in the property. Otherwise I type it all by hand. I'm very close guarded about what I'm writing because I don't want anyone poking their nose in trying to amend my already faultless and immaculate observations.

Inspector Norse

Quote from: Cerys on July 01, 2019, 12:57:17 PM
The theme from Jaws might only have been the ringtone for when a particular person called him.  His mother-in-law, maybe, or the Inland Revenue.

Or perhaps the landlord was in fact popular soundtrack and score composer John Williams and had chosen some of his own favourite work as a proud reminder.

alan nagsworth

Oh and the best things I've found are copious amounts of booze, a 64gb iPad which unfortunately I was unable to jailbreak, and a basketball vest covered in pictures of Roger Rabbit. I've still got that.

Found a dildo in a washing machine once as well. There's a funny story behind that which I'll come back to in a bit.

NoSleep

Quote from: sick as a pike on July 01, 2019, 02:58:53 PM
I once did a favour to a friend of letting in an inventory clerk to their house as I had the spare keys. He used a voice recorder and did a constant running commentary on the condition of the property.
"Light switch, brass, small scratches to right hand side. Some grease marks from finger contact on wall surrounding switch." Etc.
Do you do the same thing?
"Hallway. Two detached light fittings in ceiling above top of stairs. Loose BT type telephone connector to left of stairs. Spindles painted and in serviceable condition. Handrail has lost area of gloss paint by upper newel post.  Walls painted white or cream. Generally serviceable.  Undulating eleven foot smear of human faeces visible to left hand wall, originally runny, now set hard. Large Pentagram to left hand wall, crudely painted (red).  Small Christmas tree mounted on lower newel post (removable)."

"Shit, everywhere."

St_Eddie



Quote from: alan nagsworth on July 01, 2019, 02:39:05 PM
I spend most of my day on my feet, I walk 8-10 miles a day and sometimes I find myself needing a sugar lift, a 64gb iPad, or a basketball vest covered in pictures of Roger Rabbit.

Sebastian Cobb

What happens when a flat is that unsanitary? Does someone have to get the hazmat cleaning team in, or does the agent just give the keys back to the landlord and say 'unlucky mate'.

The latter was what happened one of the times my mate let out his flat when he went travelling and the people renting it ended up housing a load of people in there. There wasn't any proper vandalism, more that lots of people and no use of heating meant the whole place got fucked with damp.

Twed


I was talking to the ex-chef of our local pub who's now working at a different pub. I asked how it was going and he said that they'd had a guest die in one of the rooms. "A lot of blood and a lot of damage from what the ambulance people had to do to get her out. She was a VERY large lady."
So I asked what they did, assuming hazmat specialists came in, but no, the normal pub cleaner had to do it herself, and they had the room ready for the next day's guests.  I don't think they mentioned it to them.

SteveDave

Quote from: grassbath on June 30, 2019, 11:00:58 PM
Nagsworth, I read your OP sitting in an otherwise empty pub this evening while listening to the new Thom Yorke album and it scared the cunting piss out of me.

It's that bad huh?

pancreas

Quote from: sick as a pike on July 01, 2019, 04:24:25 PM
I was talking to the ex-chef of our local pub who's now working at a different pub. I asked how it was going and he said that they'd had a guest die in one of the rooms. "A lot of blood and a lot of damage from what the ambulance people had to do to get her out. She was a VERY large lady."
So I asked what they did, assuming hazmat specialists came in, but no, the normal pub cleaner had to do it herself, and they had the room ready for the next day's guests.  I don't think they mentioned it to them.

Not bad, but there's not enough shit in that story for my taste.

alan nagsworth

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on July 01, 2019, 04:06:57 PM
What happens when a flat is that unsanitary? Does someone have to get the hazmat cleaning team in, or does the agent just give the keys back to the landlord and say 'unlucky mate'.

The latter was what happened one of the times my mate let out his flat when he went travelling and the people renting it ended up housing a load of people in there. There wasn't any proper vandalism, more that lots of people and no use of heating meant the whole place got fucked with damp.

Yeah, all of these issues boil down to who's liable. Damp is probably the most common issue, but it's often quite easy to locate the cause. It's either rising damp/ceiling damp (caused by improperly insulated roofing), which is out of the hands of the tenant, or the tenant has failed to correctly ventilate the property, like not opening windows if you dry your clothes indoors, or not having the extractor switched on when you use the bathroom.

Ultimately if there's foundational issues and you want to get your deposit back with as little qualms as possible, note any damages or issues immediately to the relevant parties via email (if they aren't listed on the inventory, but even so it's good to keep your own track of any progressive damages). At least that way the DPA can clearly see you've documented the issues thoroughly which helps a lot.

Twed



Twed

You're not really committed to your job if you don't taste test the plumbing. Remember: to some people the dishwasher is a second bathroom.

Sebastian Cobb


Twed

It should be basic operating procedure for nags to have to drink the shower trap, surely.

alan nagsworth

Regarding tenant issues, as I hinted at previously, it should come as no surprise to many, but letting agents can be terribly uncaring. Aforementioned damp/mould issues are very prevalent and literally never get fixed. Even when a tenant vacates the property the agent will just get a decorator in and paint over the mould. I inspected a place recently and the tenant pointed out that the mould problem was so bad in her infant child's bedroom that the kid can't sleep in there any more as it's giving him respiratory issues. It's totally fucked.

One time I was doing an end of tenancy report and the tenant told me their 7ft balcony door was dropped on the big fuckoff hinge mechanism when they first moved in which meant it wouldn't fully close, leaving about a six inch gap, and the agent did nowt for the nine months of their tenancy, most of which was right through the winter. It was a first floor flat overlooking a busy road in a less than glamorous part of east London as well, not the most challenging place to break into.