'Yesterday' but Nobody Remembers EastEnders

[DangledTeeth]

Jack: Do you remember when I was on telly?

Ed Sheeran: Erm...

Woman: No.

Bloke: Sorry, no.

Jack: I played Tamwar Masood. EastEnders.

Bloke: EastEnders?! What is that?

Jack: Y-you've never seen it?

Sheeran: I've not seen it, either. Is it a quiz show?

Jack: NO. It's been on for thirty-four years. I was in it.

Woman: But you're not thirty-four years old.

Jack: Not from the beginning, obviously!

Sheeran, Bloke and Woman shake their heads in unison

Jack: It's on BBC1. It has dramatic storylines and people regularly argue.

Sheeran's mouth slowly opens as he raises a pointed index finger

Sheeran: Oh, I know wh- no, that's Question Time I'm thinking of. I do apologise.

Jack: You must have heard of the Carry On films at least?

Woman: Yes. It had Bernard Coleslaw and Barbara Windsock.

Jack: It's Bresslaw and Windsor. She played Peggy Mitchell in the soap.

Bloke taps away on his phone

Bloke: No. Nothing about EastEnders on Babs' IMdb page.

Jack: Check Wiki.

Bloke: Nah, nothing here about EastEnders.

Jack appears bewildered

Jack: I just don't... Ah! *Smirking* Erm... *Rolls wrist* how's Carly Rae Jepsen doing in the charts these days? I expect no one remembers her.

Sheeran: Oh, Carly! I love her, mate.

Woman: Amazing songwriter with a half-arsed Disney voice. Ahh, she's so dope.

Bloke: Gather round my phone, everyone. Let's bask in the warm glow of a miming Tom Hanks.

Sheeran: Don't forget the first-person romantic video.

Woman: And the more recent one with the weird-looking cats and product placement.

Jack: Oh, for fuck's sake! *To lens* Yes, swearing. This is rated 15+, mate.


Int. Front Room

Jack is gliding his fingers across a piano


Yesterdaaaay... Mark Fowler announced heee haaaas Aiiiiids.
Now it looks as though its here to staaaaay.
Oh, I believe in yes-ter-daaaay.

Suddenly, Barry was shoved off a cliff after 2003.
And Janine drank a cup of tea.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why did Ricky have to go?
I don't know, he wouldn't say.
I said something wrong.
Now I long for yesterdaaaay.

Yesterday... the Cafe's arcade cabinet was an easy game to plaaay.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why did Big Mo go?
I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong.
Now I long for yesterday.


Meera: That's a belter of song.

Sanjeev: Yes. Got any more?


I'M BACK IN THE QUEEN VIC, I'M BACK IN THE QUEEN VIC, BACK IN THE QUEEN VIC-TOR-REE-AAH.
PHIL MITCHELL PUNCHES IAN BEALE AT THE BAAAAR.
Erm...
UUU-WoOoOO-OooOo-OooOoh!


Sheeran: Stop there, that's a bit violent.

Jack: Well, I've got one more.


Picture yourself in a boat on the Thames river
With a tangerine cafe and Phil Mitchell skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
Pat Butcher with kaleidoscope eyes

Cellophane market fruit of yellow and green
Towering over your head
Look for that other blonde girl with the sun in her eyes
And she's gone

DOOVF-DOOVF-DOOVF

Lucy (Beale) is in the sky 'cause she died, man.
Lucy is in the sky 'cause she died, man.
Lucy is in the sky 'cause she died, man.

Follow a three-headed Ethel down to Bridge street near a market
Where rocking horse people drink Mick Carter pii-iints
Everyone smiles as you drift past Dirty Den
His ears grow so incredibly hiiiiiigh

Dot Cotton appears on the shore
Waiting to spout a verse from the Bible
Climb into her arse with your head in a trifle
But where is that extra called Ron?


DOOVF-DOOVF-DOOVF

Lucy is in the sky 'cause she died, man.
Lucy is in the sky 'cause she died, man.
Lucy is in the sky 'cause she died, man.
Ahh

Picture yourself in a jelly car with no space to park it
With plasticine extras with binocular pies
Suddenly, someone is there at the market
Pat Butcher with kaleeeiiidoscope eyyyeeeees

DOOVF-DOOVF-DOOVF

Lucy is in the sky 'cause she died, man.
Lucy is in the sky 'cause she died, man.
Lucy is in the sky 'cause she died, man.
Ahhhhhh


Sheeran: Record the first song and put it on Youtube.

6,433,2545 views later...

Record Executive: You're a viral hit on the YouTubed. Wan' a recording contract, lad?

Jack: Yes.

Woman: I love you, Jack.

Jack: I love you too... but they're not as great as The Beatles.

All: HA-HA-HA-HA!

THE END

[Replies From View]

I've never watched Eastenders before, but one side effect of Eastenders never existing might be Doctor Who surviving beyond 1989.

[Glebe]

JACK: 'Oi goh naffink left!' I love that meme!

SHEERAN: We don't have the EastEnders in this movie.