Fawlty Towers but No-one Remembers One Foot in the Grave

[DangledTeeth]

Int. Reception Hall. Afternoon

Two guests are at reception

Basil: Hyere are your keys to Room 12. Our assistant Manuel will show you to your room

Manuel: Que?

Basil: The bags, Manuel. El guestos.

Manuel: Ah! Si-si-si. (To guests) This way, pleeze.

Manuel gently leaves with the luggage as the guests respectfully follow from behind

Basil: I don't belieeeeve it!

Sybil: What was that, Basil?

Basil: Oh nothing, dear. Manuel's head was in the clouds, yet again.

Sybil: No, I mean that thing you just said in a particular tone of voice.

Basil: It's Victor Meldrew's classic catchphrase.

Sybil: Victor Meldrew?!

Basil: Mhmm.

Sybil: Who is that?

Basil frowns

Basil: He's a character from the series called One Foot in the Grave, dear.

Sybil (On phone, disinterested): Oh, is he?

Basil: Yes! Erm... Mrs Tibbs, you've heard of One Foot in the Grave.

Mrs Tibbs: I'm sorry to say I haven't, Mr Fawlty.

Polly passes by

Basil: Polly! Polly! You've heard of Victor Meldrew, haven't you? Erm... with Margaret, Mrs Warboys et cetera.

Polly: No, Mr Fawlty. I've never heard of them.

Manuel descends the stairs and appears mildly concerned

Manuel: Meester Faawlty! Meester Faawlty!

Basil: Ah, Manuel, have you heard o-

Manuel: I make big mistake. I leave guest to enter room.

Basil: Spiffing! Listen, I need to ask y-

Manuel: I hurry along. Then I kick new fire extinguisher across floor...

Basil: Yes-yes, fine, have you ever s-

Manuel: It break. And now it all stain on carpet.

Basil: Look, would you just shut the fuck up for a second, I'll clean it up in a minute. Have you heard of Victor Meldrew?

Manuel: Veecta Melllldrew?! (Manuel's eyes dart left to right) Why?! He bad guest because of noise?

Basil: No, no. I don't mean heard with your ears. Not literally.

Manuel: Lit-ter-ra-leeee?

Basil: Forget it.

Manuel: I have ears!

Basil: Yes, you have. God knows when they'll function properly.

Manuel: I have them since I was born in Barcelona.

Basil: Wonderful, yes. I mean do you remember Victor Meldrew on TV?

Manuel: What's Tee Vee?

Basil: Television.

Manuel: Que?

Basil: Erm... Tellioz. El motion picqueras.

Manuel: Ah, Telly Savalas, that Kojak.

Basil: No. I mean... telly. You surely understand.

Basil waves his fingers to form a square

Manuel: Ohhhhh, watch people on the screen?

Basil: Yes. That kind of telly.

Manuel: Ah, si, si. But who Victor Meldrew on telly?

Basil: He was in One Foot in the Grave.

Manuel: He have foot in gravy?! But why? He must be crrrrazih

Basil: No, it's not... the thing is... ohhhh! Go away.

Basil slaps Manuel across the back of his head

Manuel: WAAH!

The Major totters in and has a Telegraph tucked under his arm

Major: Afternoon, Fawlty!

Basil (Mumbles): There's no use asking you.

Major: Ask me what, old boy?

Basil: Erm, a television programme, Major. It's called One Foot in the Grave.

Major: Documentary, is it?

Basil: No, it's a comedy. A sitcom.

Major: A comedy?! Oh dear. That title doesn't sound very amusing to me.

Basil: I guess it's meant to sound ironically hopeless. The scriptwriter probably drew inspiration from Sybil.

Major: Who's in it?

Basil: Richard Wilson.

Major smiles and waves a finger with conviction

Major: Yes! I have heard of this Richard Meldrew.

Basil: You have?!

Major: Of course. I saw him on the television a week ago.

Basil: Yes, go on...

Major: He was that chap who sat on a cunted-out settee and was trying not to laugh.

Basil appears deflated

Major exits to the bar

Sybil puts the phone down

Sybil: Will you stop going on about that stupid programme of yours!

Basil: I would if some imbecile remembered the thing exists.

Sybil: Basil...

Basil: Yes, dear?

Sybil: It is 1975. One Foot in the Grave first airs in 1990 - it doesn't exist right now. That's why no one remembers it.

Basil: You mean...

Basil appears confounded then elated

Suddenly, a man wearing a raincoat enters quite calmly

Richard Wilson: John Cleese! I doh-wun't belieeeeeve eht.

Basil shakes his head tautly and briefly presses his index finger against his lips

Sybil: Basil! Bahzowl! BAHZAOWL!

Int. Bedroom

Basil opens his eyes and gasps

Basil: Oh!

Basil turns his head and sees Sybil in her bed

Basil (Dreamily): Hmm.

Basil turns over with his eyes closed. He opens them upon hearing light snoring and sees Major lying alongside him with a string of saliva hanging from the corner of his mouth

Basil: AAAAAAAGH!

[Ferris]

This is very good

[Glebe]

Sybil: Basil! Bahzowl! BAHZAOWL!

Heh!

INT.FAWLTY.DAY

BASIL: Why doesn't anyone remember Victor Meldrew?

TERRY THE CHEF: Cos it want be on telly f'anover eleven years, Mr. Fawlty.