Author Topic: What is your greatest invention?  (Read 2615 times)

FerriswheelBueller

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What is your greatest invention?
« on: July 05, 2019, 04:11:21 PM »
It’s 32c and I have to run errands but I don’t have any shorts.

...but I do have some knackered old Levi’s and a pair of scissors!

10 minutes later, I’m the owner of the freshest new cutoffs on the block. So proud. May post photos later if there is enough interest.

What moments of creativity have you come up with recently? Share here, and let us marvel!

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2019, 04:14:54 PM »
Connected battery drill to hand-cranked coffee grinder.

seepage

  • throwing a dog at some goblins
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2019, 04:22:51 PM »
.

icehaven

  • I will be in the bar, with my head on the bar
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2019, 04:44:27 PM »
I have a tendency to forget shopping/carrier bags and leave them on buses etc.(inconvenient enough on it's own even before the bomb squad are summoned), so I put a long elastic band through the handles then round my wrist so I literally can't walk off without them.

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2019, 04:48:27 PM »
I have a tendency to forget shopping/carrier bags and leave them on buses etc.(inconvenient enough on it's own even before the bomb squad are summoned), so I put a long elastic band through the handles then round my wrist so I literally can't walk off without them.

My solution to this was to buy some baggu foldable bags off ebay for a couple of quid and keep them in me jacket.



kittens

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2019, 04:48:34 PM »
invented cut off jeans did we mate. when i get home i'm going to invent having dinner then invent watching the tennis while enjoying another of my inventions, getting pissed. i am so proud of my inventions.

alan nagsworth

  • life's too short to be a dope!!
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2019, 04:49:25 PM »
I invented lying and the music of The Beatles. Both stories were famously made into fucking piss awful films.

alan nagsworth

  • life's too short to be a dope!!
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2019, 04:50:07 PM »
I also invented doors

shiftwork2

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2019, 04:52:19 PM »
Cut-off jeans were invented in 1985.  Back in the days of the Safeguarding Concern that was the Radio 1 Roadshow, Gary Davies* used to send Smiley Miley out with a pair of scissors to cut the trouser legs off those squares who hadn't attended wearing shorts.  Common assault of the summer trouser wearer.  Proud to say I would have lamped him.

* Davies of course was only implicated in wearing satin bomber jackets

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

  • It rubs the lotion on its skin
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2019, 04:52:47 PM »
The pussy magnet.

alan nagsworth

  • life's too short to be a dope!!
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #10 on: July 05, 2019, 04:58:31 PM »


An actual thing I invented last summer was this amazingly shit and impractical beer holder. The chair was found in the street. The flexible holder guy was previously holding the microphone we use for kitchen karaoke. The bangle on the can, which we named Can Bangle because it fit the can perfectly, was from my friend’s wrist.

Our garden is not as desolate now as it appeared to have been then by the way. Not that I give a single fuck what you might think of it.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #11 on: July 05, 2019, 05:10:24 PM »
These are all very good, except for kittens

kittens

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #12 on: July 05, 2019, 05:15:04 PM »
i have just invented using the block script on ferris

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #13 on: July 05, 2019, 05:24:46 PM »
I invented wanking.

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2019, 05:26:04 PM »

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #15 on: July 05, 2019, 05:27:40 PM »
An adult website which features performers exclusively from the town of Banbury, North Oxfordshire named rideacockwhores.com. I've even come up with a catchy variation on the nursery rhyme to preface each video:

Quote
Ride a cock whores from Banbury Town
If you think they look odd, you should see them get down
With rings on their fingers and bells round their necks
They're commuter belt queens of perfunctory sex.

I think it's a winner, but the NatWest business advisor called it "a tad niche".

icehaven

  • I will be in the bar, with my head on the bar
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #16 on: July 05, 2019, 05:28:12 PM »
My solution to this was to buy some baggu foldable bags off ebay for a couple of quid and keep them in me jacket.

No I meant when they're full. Yes I am that stupid.

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #17 on: July 05, 2019, 05:39:27 PM »
No I meant when they're full. Yes I am that stupid.

Oh. I do this in the pub when I nip to an off-licence to get afters before they shut (10pm in Scotland).

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #18 on: July 05, 2019, 05:44:11 PM »
I became concerned that waitresses were losing a lot of time, when you add it all up, saying 'enjoy' when putting the plate in front of you. So I write 'ENJOY' on my right hand every time I go out for a bit of caffing, and I write 'LOOK AT OTHER HAND' on my left hand just in case I look at the wrong hand.

The first time I explained my system and how it meant that she would no longer have to remind me to enjoy my breakfast, the waitress got a bit arsey with me and said that she could have handed out three more breakfasts in the time it took me to explain my system. I started to explain that the initial explanation was a case of calibratiing the machinery, actually a one-off investment, but she just gave me the bird and went out for a fag. This despite the fact that after she had kept forgetting her glasses I showed her my other invention, where you fix a lens from broken spectacles between the prongs of a fork, creating a handheld monocle. Just leave the lens by the side of the till for if you forget the glasses again, I said to her, and forks will always be within in reach. Face like thunder.

If you invent something you best keep shtumm about it, people would obviously rather struggle.

Apart from that, a couple of makeshift Sin of Onan equipment items that I'm still in talks on re: marketing and suchlike - and you'll be wanting one of them in particular, believe me - and a mnemonic designed to help you remember all of the other mnemonics.

RTMFTTYWOFRTFTPYKADTSOTBWTDMATBISAIDHWIDUHN

(Remember The Mnemonics For The Things You Would Otherwise Forget, Rather Than Forgetting Them. PS, Your Keys Are Down The Side Of The Bed With The Dessicated Maggots And Tony Blackburn Is Still Alive, It's David Hamilton Who Is Dead, Unless He's Not.)

I will admit, this has never worked for me, but I've got poor recall of most things, I'm the wrong person to test such a thing. I would think for anyone with decent recall it's spot-on.

batwings

  • Timewaster seeks same. No timewasters please.
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #19 on: July 05, 2019, 06:02:39 PM »
I invented a wanking machine out of some plastic piping and washing up gloves attached to a plotter controlled with a set of custom macros. God, I hope that office didn’t have cctv.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #20 on: July 05, 2019, 06:18:50 PM »
Lots of great inventions here.

Just back from errands - got Ferris Jr a new hat with anchors on it (he had grown out of the one with pineapples on it). Cutoffs were a complete success. Easily my greatest invention, and possibly the greatest invention by anybody, ever.

Lordofthefiles

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #21 on: July 05, 2019, 06:30:52 PM »
Lots of great inventions here.

Just back from errands - got Ferris Jr a new hat with anchors on it (he had grown out of the one with pineapples on it). Cutoffs were a complete success. Easily my greatest invention, and possibly the greatest invention by anybody, ever.

All well and good, but now YOU ABSOLUTELY HONK OF ERRANDS MATE.


Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #22 on: July 05, 2019, 06:33:12 PM »

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #23 on: July 05, 2019, 06:58:36 PM »

NoSleep

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #24 on: July 05, 2019, 07:01:46 PM »
I also invented doors

That's another awful film.

Rizla

  • That's not another knife - THIS is another knife!
Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #25 on: July 05, 2019, 07:11:23 PM »
Cadburys Hard Boiled Creme Egg, the inside is like turkish delight but yellow and white. Maybe also do a CCE Omelette, or fritatta that has bits of i dunno skittles in.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2019, 07:13:41 PM »
Cadburys Hard Boiled Creme Egg, the inside is like turkish delight but yellow and white. Maybe also do a CCE Omelette, or fritatta that has bits of i dunno skittles in.

Sounds like you need to go back to the drawing board on this one.

Only successful inventions in here please.

Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #27 on: July 05, 2019, 07:19:47 PM »
Creme de violette milkshake.

Spoon of Ploff

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #28 on: July 05, 2019, 08:06:19 PM »
These are the instructions to recreating my greatest invention: string in ice

1. find piece of string
2. place ends of string in two different cubes of an ice cube tray
3. fill tray with water
4. place in freezer - make ice cubes as normal
5. carefully remove ice cubes with the bits of string now frozen into place
6. dangle over ear - the ice cubes will cool the side of your face and neck. very useful on hot days





touchingcloth

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Re: What is your greatest invention?
« Reply #29 on: July 05, 2019, 09:26:11 PM »
You know how it’s a pain in the arse to put masking tape round sockets and skirting and whatnot before painting a room? Well my invention is masking sheets.

Imagine you have a room where you’re painting a wall with ten inch skirting, 9 foot high ceilings and 15 foot wide, there’s a light switch and a door, a single power outlet and a double one.

You go to B&Q, and leaf through the Masking Sheets until you find one with your size wall with doors and sockets in the right place, then when you get it home you just hold it up against the wall and you’ve masked it in seconds rather than minutes.

Repeat once per wall per room you’re painting.

You know how on Dragons’ Den they love things like printers because they’re loss leaders with the real moolah coming from ink refills? Well I’ve done one better cos the upsell comes from the new vehicle you’ll need big enough to get the Masking Sheets TM back home.