Guardian decides it is good

[BlodwynPig]

Ay caramba!

A letter to... a very special au pair

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jul/13/a-letter-to-a-very-special-au-pair?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

No No No No NO NOOOO NOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Ferris]

Ay caramba!

A letter to... a very special au pair

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jul/13/a-letter-to-a-very-special-au-pair?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

This 9 year old child is in line for a #canceling

[Inspector Norse]

Ay caramba!

A letter to... a very special au pair

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jul/13/a-letter-to-a-very-special-au-pair?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

though I don't know your name, or where you were from

Yes, clearly very special.

[Dr Rock]

It's good because it tells adults that tiny children may fancy them.

[pancreas]

Dickensian.

[Johnny Yesno]

A letter to... a very special au pair

'Dark brown eyes and brown-black hair... you stole a little nine-year-old boy's heart': the letter you always wanted to write

There were many au pairs through my pre-teen life – but then you arrived. Dark brown eyes. Brown‑black hair, naturally wavy. A skin colour I hadn't seen up close before: delicately tanned, even though it was winter. You wore stone-washed slim jeans, and you stole a little nine-year-old boy's heart.

Mum would work night shifts as a nurse; Dad would be out convincing people to buy his wares. We remained with you in the evenings. I remember watching you in the kitchen. You wore brightly coloured gloves when washing-up: something Mum never did. I was happy to watch and be near you. Then I would go to my room, put on my Transformers pyjamas, and wait for you. You attended my younger brother first and my older brother last, so I knew that every moment of our time together was precious.

You would tuck me in and read a very short story. I'd look at you while you were reading, noticing the simple delicate earrings, your eyebrows, your hair, your eyes, your neck. I was immensely happy for those few moments: a precious relief from the chaos, the drinking, the smoking, the violence, the noise of our household. I suppose I was infatuated. I didn't know why; I just knew what I felt.

One evening you arrived as usual but seemed to have forgotten something. I watched as you walked back to a waiting car: a green VW hatchback. You stayed in the car for a little while, and you kissed the man inside before returning to me and our house. I had thought you had eyes and kisses only for me.

Not long afterwards, my parents divorced and we went to live with our mum in a new house. You were there, once or twice, but Mum couldn't afford to keep you on her salary. The last time I saw you, you said night-night to me and gave me a kiss. I like to think that you stayed for a few seconds more than you normally would have done, smiling, cherishing the final moments. You did seem upset, though I now wonder whether I imagined that. I was 11 years old. I never saw you again.

Every now and again, I wonder whether you ever think of me and of us. I sometimes think of searching for you, though I don't know your name, or where you were from. And it turns out that every woman I've ever had a significant relationship with has looked rather like you.

though I don't know your name, or where you were from

Yes, clearly very special.

Sounds like bullshit to me. Or did they only ever refer to her as The Au Pair?

'Hello, The Au Pair. Do come in, The Au Pair. The kids are this way, The Au Pair.'

'Be good for The Au Pair, kids.'

'Will you read me as story, The Au Pair?'

'You know what, Husband, I think Middle Son might fancy The Au Pair the au pair.'

[DistressedArea]

Someone got £25 quid for that. Might do one.

[BlodwynPig]

Someone got £25 quid for that. Might do one.

A letter to...CookdandBombd

[Sin Agog]

Not knowing what an au pair was, I skim-read that thinking it was an article about someone who wanted to shag their brown-eyed mum.

[Danger Man]

Someone got £25 quid for that. Might do one.

A letter to all the people I upset on here when I was pissed.

Not arsed.

Thanks, ta.


You can send the £25 to Neil via the paypal link.

[BlodwynPig]

And it turns out that every woman I've ever had a significant relationship with has looked rather like you.

[jobotic]

Someone got £25 quid for that. Might do one.

Doubt it. It's probably an intern writes them every week.

[BlodwynPig]

Doubt it. It's probably an internBarbara Cartland writes them every week.

[Jockice]

Someone got £25 quid for that. Might do one.

I've written and had published two anonymous things in the Guardian's lifestyle pages in the last five or so years. I didn't get a penny, I just did them off my own bat and sent them in.

With the first one I thought 'people I know might realise it's me' and  although nobody said anything I disguised my identity a bit more for the second, which was for a semi-regular column. Which as far as I know never appeared again. I'd like to think one of the bosses thought 'well, we can't possibly top that' but it's more likely that it just ran out of steam and nobody could be arsed writing stuff for it.

[Jockice]

Pamela Stephenson was right though. It is too small to satisfy any woman.

[DistressedArea]

A letter to ...
We will pay £25 for every Letter to we publish. Email family@theguardian.com or write to Family, Weekend magazine, the Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Please include your address and phone number. We are able only to reply to those whose contributions we are going to use.

Is this another media lie?

[BlodwynPig]

Is this another media lie?

This bit certainly is

We are able only to reply to those whose contributions we are going to use.

Lazy, cocaine snorting cunts.

[Absorb the anus burn]

COMPLAINTS LINKS FOR PRESS AND TV:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/faqs/complaints_process

https://www.theguardian.com/info/complaints-and-corrections

https://www.ipso.co.uk/complain/

I've just complained about *this* article:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jul/14/observer-view-antisemitism-in-labour-jeremy-corbyn

The Guardian is a piece of shit.

[BlodwynPig]

COMPLAINTS LINKS FOR PRESS AND TV:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/faqs/complaints_process

https://www.theguardian.com/info/complaints-and-corrections

https://www.ipso.co.uk/complain/

I've just complained about *this* article:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jul/14/observer-view-antisemitism-in-labour-jeremy-corbyn

The Guardian is a piece of shit.

‏

@simonmaginn
Mar 3
More
10. Swamp. The party will have some kind of complaints procedure. This must immediately be incapacitated by sheer volume. Complaints need not have any substance, it's the volume that matters.

[Danger Man]

I've written and had published two anonymous things in the Guardian's lifestyle pages in the last five or so years. I didn't get a penny, I just did them off my own bat and sent them in.

That Blind Date in an East End curry house was one I've never forgotten.

[José]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEX5OGmXLz4

[Doomy Dwyer]

Someone got £25 quid for that. Might do one.

A pony for some pony.

'Interestingly', just a couple of months previously there was an 'A letter to..." from an au pair.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/11/letter-to-child-for-whom-i-was-au-pair

Could this be the same au pair who is the sultry heartbreaker of this weeks lovelorn 'letter to...'? Not all the details correlate exactly, but I'm putting that down to the Rashomon Effect and/or the passage of time. The lonely broken hearted and betrayed little boy of this weeks 'letter to...' is depicted as a barely tolerated snaggle toothed adhd shithouse nightmare in the May reminiscence, but they could easily be one and the same boy/man. Of course, we can't rule out the possibility that both narrators are the work of a third, unseen narrator and this bourgeoise 'A letter to...' bullshit is, in fact, a fragmented multi-viewpoint narrative revealing itself gradually in seemingly unrelated weekly increments by some daringly original experimental genius prankster satirist. But then we must take into account the fact that it is published in The Guardian and conclude that it definitely isn't. 

[Ferris]

A pony for some pony.

"A pony for some bull" would have been a better line.

[Doomy Dwyer]

Horses for courses.

[Dr Rock]

A Letter To... Jonathan Freedland

CUNT

yours, anon.

[Ferris]

Horses for courses.

Sorry that came across as shitty - I didn't mean that. Very tired. My apologies.

[NoSleep]

Horses for courses.

Why are you bringing race into this?

[Doomy Dwyer]

Sorry that came across as shitty - I didn't mean that. Very tired. My apologies.

I didn't see it as remotely shitty, Ferris, don't you worry.

Why are you bringing race into this?

It was a jockey horse race reference.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

Horses for courses.

Horses fuck horses?

[Ferris]

Horses fuck horses?

Yes. The ones that were caught with ponies in the '70s were scooped up in Operation Aintree.