WE ARE GIVING NEIL SOME MONEY

[pigamus]

Right you soppy lot of bastards. We are giving Neil some money. If you're not totally familiar with this site, and you've ever wondered about "the moderators", "the moderators" do not exist. "The moderators" is a bloke called Neil who lives in Northern Ireland with his cat. And if the idea of that doesn't immediately fill you will paralysing fucking horror, it gets worse – he's currently in hospital. He's not dying, but he could profoundly do without this bullshit, to put it mildly. So here's what we're going to do.

On the front page of this site, just below the link to General Bullshit, there's a link to Donate for the upkeep of the site. If you've not seen it before that's because Neil, for whatever else he is, is not a fucking grifter. The Donate link allows you to give Neil money with all major credit and debit cards and via Paypal. If you have any problems with using this link, I have a TSB account that's verified with Paypal, the Sort Code being 77-85-39 and the account number available via PM.

tl;dr We are are a soppy lot of cunts who couldn't organise a piss up in a bewery, but we are going to give a cunt some money to feed his cat, because this site doesn't run on thin air and neither does anything else. This is Brexit Britain in 2019 and it is a profound fucking bucket of dogshit, but we are going to do something nice for a cunt, and that's just what's going to happen. Give what you can. Any questions PM me. Neil just put your hand back on your cock and lie down. Thank you for your time.

[touchingcloth]

Is there a Kickstarter so I can help Neil and some struggling Silicon Valley entrepreneurs as well?

[Small Man Big Horse]

Fine, but I've only given him a fiver as I'm a cheap bastard, plus you can buy 25 dead mice for that amount of money and what more could a cat want? https://www.kiezebrink.co.uk/product/183-mouse-pinks

[bgmnts]

I'm unemployed and owe Natwest 2 grand plus interest, I literally cannot give him something right now. Def will at some point.

[Blumf]

Frankly, the cat has done nothing for this site, so I want it known that my donation should in no way go to benefit the lazy fecker.

In fact, Neil should use the money to get a big spliff and smoke it in front of the cat, let it know what it's missing.

[mothman]

What sort of amounts are we talking? Twenty? Fifty?

[Mr_Simnock]

I thought Neil was doing better now we quite a few paid members?

[Danger Man]

What sort of amounts are we talking? Twenty? Fifty?

21 And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, 2 and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites.[a] 3 So He said, "Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; 4 for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had."

[Janie Jones]

Ok, done.

I'm unemployed and owe Natwest 2 grand plus interest, I literally cannot give him something right now. Def will at some point.

I've also bunged a fiver in for you, bitchtits.

[a duncandisorderly]

done.
is this his sneaky way of getting all our real email addresses?

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

I donated £7.63. I felt that £7.62 was being a cheapskate but £7.64 was an extravagance possibly fuelling a flamboyant lifestyle.

[mrfridge]

Twenty quid spaffed in Neil's general direction. I've been lingering on the outskirts of the place for the best part of two decades now so it's the least I can do. Get better soon boss.

[batwings]

donated.

By the way, I stubbed my toe earlier today if anyone's feeling generous.
cunt@cashchum.ru

[studpuppet]

If he's in hospital, shouldn't we be waiting for the smoke to change colour and then donating to his successor?

[Captain Z]

What sort of amounts are we talking? Twenty? Fifty?

Ohh alright, a pound!

[Danger Man]

I'll donate but only if all the money goes to his cat.

If any of the money goes to watching Contrapoint videos or playing some Nintendo game in a park then I'll want the money back.

[mothman]

Ohh alright, a pound!

Oof, outbid by fifty or eighty pence! Oh, alright, one pound, three shillings and sixpence.

[pancreas]

I'll donate but only if all the money goes to his cat.

If any of the money goes to watching Contrapoint videos or playing some Nintendo game in a park then I'll want the money back.

I actually agree with this.

[Danger Man]

I actually agree with this.

Wuv yoo

[Cerys]

The clumsy Irish knobhead already gets eight quid a month out of me, so you can fuck right off.  I'm not that nice.

[St_Eddie]

The clumsy Irish knobhead already gets eight quid a month out of me, so you can fuck right off.  I'm not that nice.

Aye, I'm always glad to see people contributing towards the upkeep of the site but seeming as I already donate a monthly fee, I won't be chipping in extra for this.  However, I do consider this is a great opportunity for other people to consider becoming members too.  A few quid a month seems to be the least long time users could give, considering how much of a timesink this site is for the majority.  So yeah, think on, other people, think on...

[Ferris]

Ohh alright, a pound!

I've used this gag myself to raucous laughter, safe in the knowledge that nobody in Toronto has any chance of watching the League of Gentlemen long enough to rumble me. Been getting away with it for years.

Sent my donation over. Conversion rate is shit as always. This is money that is now not going towards the upkeep of my infant son, so I hope Neil is happy with it.

...we're forcing him to get something good wth it, right? New computer or something? If he's going to fritter it away on kebabs and pornography then Ferris Jr will be going hungry for NOTHING.

I consider this is a great opportunity for other people to consider becoming members too.  A few quid a month seems to be the least long time users could give, considering how much of a timesink this site is for the majority.  So yeah, think on, other people, think on...

This is a great point. I send Netflix and co $9 a month, and most of their content is complete shit. Most of CaB's content is merely a bit shit, which is a huge upgrade for the mere $7.50 a month I kick in.

[imitationleather]

The amount of absolute gold I've given away on this site for free over the years could have made at least one middling show at Edinburgh. If anything you should all be paying me.

[Jasha]

The amount of absolute gold I've given away on this site for free over the years could have made at least one middling©Richard Ayoade show at Edinburgh. If anything you should all be paying me.

Left hand pays in
Right hand pays out

[Blumf]

Okay, we've all chucked in a quid, has he been rebuilt yet?

[Barry Admin]

Thanks so much, I'm a bit embarrassed. 

Just to explain also what has kept me from really engaging with the place and this thread today: I woke up in screaming agony at 5am, got a painkiller, then couldn't get back to sleep. Nurse came to get me out of bed around 8, and I burst into tears because of the pain, just trying to move about 4 foot from my bed to the chair. Had to cheat and hop in the end. Then the doctors come in and I'm still sniffly and just burst out burning again, yikes. This after two hours of misery and sobbing yesterday afternoon.

I go to them, wtf? Why am I in this much pain today? Did I overdo it yesterday? I had pushed it to do quite a lot of physio exercises, managed to actually lift my foot off the floor, got out of my room on the zimmer and made it right to the room opposite, then came back and got in the far side of the bed. Also got into the bathroom for the first time, sat down on the raised loo seat thing they got me to rehearse it, got up and came back to bed. Sweat pouring off me, haven't been able to lift much more than a litre of milk for the last couple of years, and now I'm having to partially weight near a 6 foot 6 shit brick house.

Anyway yeah, today, total shitshow by contrast. Get more pain relief and eventually get stuff done. Have my first shit in an entire week. Ask to use the shower, so finally get to wash my hair, then get left sitting in the roasting shower for ages because no one answered the alarm. Physio tell me they're gonna do stairs with me as expected, but have decided to only do one step because of the earlier pain, and because they don't want me to get stuck - my big feet overlap the steps so it's gonna be hard to change course and get down again. Manage to eventually drag myself up to the part where the stairs turn, and down again, fucking smashed it, to everyones surprise.

Anyway, then I lie down for a nap about an hour or two ago as I'm exhausted, but my knee starts to burn like fuck again, so I ask the nurse what's going on, why am I in so much more pain today? He sends the doctor in and it turns out I was taken off the long term release morphine last night to see if that would open my bowels. I just wish they'd told me, the short term morphine on its own is obviously not enough, and I felt so fucking disappointed with how little I could do today.

Anyway yeah, that's just to explain what's been going on since 5am today, and why I'm so lethargic and stuff. I'll follow up in another post now.

[Twed]

If this helps you feel better about yourself Neil, I have twice been to a trampoline park to impress a girl in her 20s and have hurt my back each time. Just from regular bouncing around on soft things designed for children. And then tried to explain the situation in ways that mask my mid-30s nature, such as "I really need to work on my core before I do stuff like this".

So if you're ever feeling wretched, please just remember that I, a twat, exist.

[Barry Admin]

Yeah so anyway, thanks so much, I'm very appreciative of the donations that have been made, and thank you to pigamus for the thought. Like I say, I'm a bit embarrassed, but can definitely use the money, so this is what I'm going to do with it:

Firstly I'm finally getting a refurbished laptop. I've been trying to save for a Lenovo Thinkpad for years now so I can get back to soon stuff on CaB. My only interaction with the net for years has been via an old 5s, and it really limits what I can actually do. I told my sister recently that I was determined to finally get a refurbished Thinkpad, and for my birthday she opened a savings account and bunged some money in it. I was gonna fire in a tenner every now and again and get it bought. So I can do that now. Having a computer again for the first time in years is gonna be exciting, it's gonna open up so many other opportunities for me.

I'm gonna buy new shoes, my Karrimorrs are now coated in yellow ooze from one of the wounds. It pisses out, it's disgusting.

And finally I think I'm gonna be able to afford a high bed frame of some description!

A major concern with getting out of here is that I have a knackered old sofa and a busted bed box spring. They're very low, and this makes them difficult to get out of already - when you're tall and sitting on normal stuff, your knees are much higher up than they should be, so it's a big extra effort to get up. This has been a problem for the last few years now with my hernia, and with my hernia repair last month. The bed also slopes down to one side, which put extra pressure on my wound, and made things tougher and more painful than they should have been over the last month.

I'm already really nervous about getting back to my wee flat, and worrying about how I'll cope, and being able to lie down, sit down and get up has been a major concern.

Today I also talked to occupational health, they're getting me a raised toilet seat, and also came back and said they would deliver me a chair! So I'll have the lend of those two things for recovery at home, and now I'll also be able to get a fucking tall comfortable bed :-D I'm welling up a bit lol, a mess the last two days, but it really is amazing to know that I'm not going to have to just make do for a change. Some comfort while I recover, absolute luxury, thank you so much!

There's my dinner.

[Ambient Sheep]

Thanks so much, I'm a bit embarrassed.

Wait 'til you see he posted it in every single sub-forum. :-)

And please don't feel you need to justify your absence!  Just look after yourself and get well soon.

And finally I think I'm gonna be able to afford a high bed frame of some description!

Don't buy anything until I've sent you a link (need to find it first).  I got a reinforced high bed frame a year or two ago and it's been fabulous.  Lifetime guarantee.  Now it's just the mattress that's giving way...

[hedgehog90]

Just a thought, would it be better to post details of your savings account so peeps can wire money directly to you or is PayPal more convenient?