The ballad of my poor anus

[alan nagsworth]

Oh, my poor anus!

Nearly three years ago, on Halloween, as many of my friends can vouch, my anus was stolen. Stolen by a ghost. My anus was stolen by a ghost on Halloween three years ago. The ghost accosted me in my own home of all places where I felt I could be safe, and it took control of my body and it removed the anus.

Since then, I have not been able to shit. Nearly three years and all the waste that exits my body has to come from my pores, my wendle, my eyes or my mouth. All poo has to be broken down and reconstructed and redirected to the other exits. It's fucking horrible and it hurts and it takes ages. Days, sometimes. Three years of that. In that time, no sight nor sound of that marauding ghoul nor the anus it so dreadfully rid me of.

Until about a week ago.

The ghost came back to me. It said it had enjoyed watching me suffer and now it was time to return the anus. I was enraged and overwhelmed and I tried to punch the ghost but no such luck: ghost, mate. Made of nothing. But my anus was back!

Oh, how I relished the thought of doing shits again, shits from the proper exit. Shits from the bung, as Cypress Hill might joke. But the joy of shitting was not one I would come to enjoy once more, for the ghost had cursed the anus. CURSED THE ANUS! How do I know this? Well, after my first shit with the newly returned anus, I grabbed the toilet paper and there was this message:



I don't know what kind of cheap chicanery the ghost used but the anus is cursed and now I cannot shit in happiness. Whenever I shit, I'm seeing blood. It's on the back of the toilet bowl and it's on the toilet paper. Blood in my stools lads. That's the kind of stuff they warn you about innit. "Blood in your stool mate? Best get that looked at, could be bad."

So yesterday at the insistence of my girlfriend I went to the hospital. Mercifully the wait was short. During this time, they took some blood, they took some piss, and finally, they lay me in the foetal position on the bed and shoved a finger into the anus.

The results? Nothing. Normal blood. Normal piss. Normal anus to the physical touch. Now it was not my desire to tell this man that a ghost had stolen and subsequently returned this anus with a curse and that was perhaps why there was no medical issue identifiable, mostly because the ghost told me if I told anyone about this it would be coming back, so I kept quiet.

The possible outcomes according to them are thus:

95% chance of small internal haemorrhoids.
5% chance of small stomach ulcer.
0% of ghost curse (I estimated this part myself using maths).

So now, the doctor has written to my GP asking them to schedule a hospital appointment for me to have a colonoscopy and maybe even a fucking endoscopy. Two camera tubes in my body probing for an invisible curse. And every time I sit on the toilet a mean-spirited cackle howls up from the U-bend, mocking me. That fucking ghost.

Oh, my poor anus!

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

I FUCKING TOLD YOU! Haemorrrrrrhoids. Now get in with your photoshoppin'.

[alan nagsworth]

I'm doing it, fuck you. Sympathise my anus while I do

[Cerys]

Get a bionic one.  You'll never have another poor anus day again.

[Lordofthefiles]

*Salutes your poor anus*

[Sebastian Cobb]

Germoloids are (is?) superior to Anusol and that's all I have to say on the matter.

[madhair60]

RIP H.S. ART

[Pingers]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your anus. I think you should consider basing a speaking tour on it, also the Satan house, which I also enjoyed very much. "The Devil and the Anus" or some such.

[jobotic]

RIP HIS ARSE


Is this the ghost?

[alan nagsworth]

RIP H.S. ART

this isn't a joke i really do have loads of blood in my poo

also really did have anus stolen by ghost

[Inspector Norse]

this isn't a joke i really do have loads of blood in my poo

Stop drinking blood and see if it clears up.

[madhair60]

this isn't a joke i really do have loads of blood in my poo

Oh I had that for a few years. Just ignored it mate. Went away.

[DrGreggles]

my poor anus

She peaked as Hannah Montana IMHO.

[Glebe]

Lot of arses going missing lately, mind.

[hummingofevil]

I went to the doctor's once as I was having a dozen shits a day and six before break time (I was having to run out of class - as a teacher - fucking desperate). Took tests and said probably a bit food poisoning. A couple of weeks later it got me thinking so I went back and questioned whether my usual routine of one before breakfast, one after, one on arrival at school after regularly nearly shitting myself and about another 3 during the day might suggest I have a more chronic problem.

"No it's normal." he said.

"Normal?" I asked

"Well, normal for you."

I think that last comment pretty much sums up my entire existance. Should have it on my headstone.

[Dex Sawash]

Looking forward to Angrew doing Ballad of my poor anus

[zomgmouse]

Do you think when they do your colonoscopy they might say "these aren't the rrhoids we're looking for"?

Or do you think they're medical professionals who aren't fucking twats who come up with abysmal puns

[popcorn]

You can never really get rid of a bumghast.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Shouldn't this all be the in the 'Arseholes getting what they deserve' thread?